Surgery

I had surgery a week and a day ago. It was one of the most frightening things in my life. I have cancer, and they may or may not have gotten it all. What was frightening to me, though, wasn’t the thought of cancer. I knew I could beat that. It was still early, the cancer was still small, and if that surgery didn’t get it all, a second one would. What frightened me was the lack of control I felt over the entire thing, particularly when I was in the operating room. I got in, was undressed mostly by another person while there were about seven other people in the room, very few of whom I knew, all of whom had masks. They positioned me above a hole on the operating table, spread out my arms, and strapped me down. They caused me pain – with good intent, but with little regard to the fact that I was in pain. It was “necessary” and thus my discomfort didn’t mean anything to them. I am a spiritual person, and I pray nearly every day, but I doubt I’ve prayed harder than I did that day. Afterwards, I was disoriented, separated from my family, and the doctor was gone. The doctor told my family what happened and how things were, but didn’t stick around to tell me. I heard it second hand from my family, who are not in the medical profession and thus may or may not have gotten it right. I got a phone call from my doctor almost a week later – I didn’t even get to meet with her in person. I will get to meet with her in a few weeks – almost four weeks after the surgery. I know she’s a busy person, but it angers me that I, the patient, am held in so little regard when it comes to my surgery.

I was told by my doctor on that phone call that took place a day after it was supposed to with no apologies for the delay that the type of cancer I have is more caused by lifestyle choices than by genetics or environmental concerns. Other than through smoking, I didn’t know a person could cause their own cancer. I am angry that I didn’t know this. I am angry that my doctor never told me this. I knew that being overweight can cause problems with one’s circulatory system and that one’s diet can cause problems with one’s arteries. I am exercising, and I have changed my diet. What I didn’t know was that I could cause myself cancer. Heart attacks, diabetes, hypertension – these I knew, but I didn’t know that I could cause myself cancer.

But that’s what I apparently did. And I’m angry at myself.

My doctor didn’t tell me during the phone call what I was doing that was causing the cancer, and I didn’t ask. And I’m angry at both of us for that.

My vision of the Future includes my body whole and healthy, not ravaged by either disease or surgery. I choose, today and every day forward, to birth the Future with choices that respect my body, that put my health in the forefront. I won’t have a future if I don’t continue to live, and I won’t have a full range of choices if I don’t have my health. Choices, that is what is important – options. To make the full use of what you have at the time that you have it. Without my full health, I will not have as many options. I will still have options, but not as many. But I have options today, and I make choices today, and today I choose to birth a Future with my body whole and healthy.

May your Future hold you similarly, in whatever form whole and healthy is for you.