Prayer indeed is good, but while calling on the gods a man should himself lend a hand. – Hippocrates
This goes along with the saying “God helps those who helps themselves”. Prayer, hoping, wishing, planning, and preparing all are good things, but without action, it doesn’t do a bit of good. It may make you feel better, it may bring you more opportunities, it may do something, but it will not make the changes that need to be made.
Let’s say you’re looking for a new job. You pray, you prepare your resume, and you plan exactly what kind of job you’re going to take. If you don’t send out your resume or agree to the job, you won’t get the job.
Let’s say you’re on a diet. You choose to use one of the many methods that requires you to buy special foods. You chose; that’s an action. However, you also need to buy the foods, prepare the foods, and eat the foods. If you don’t take that action, it’s not going to help. Likewise, you can pray or wish all you want for weight loss, but unless you take the action of changing your eating habits or activity choices, you aren’t going to see a difference.
I have nothing against prayer. I pray. I pray for guidance and opportunity, for peace and serenity. But I know that unless I take the opportunity, unless I follow through on the guidance, unless I make room in my life for the peace and serenity, even if I get what I pray for, I won’t keep it.
Prayer is an excellent tool, but do not let it be your only tool. The Future needs action to be born. Pray for what you need, then use what your Higher Power gives you to take the actions necessary to create your Future.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
What are you afraid of?
Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. - Bertrand Russell
The defeat of cruelty and the enhancement of wisdom – two things that I would love to have in the Future. To gain that, we need to reduce fear. So, how do we do that?
First, you have to know when you’re afraid. You have to be willing to admit to yourself that you feel fear and to recognize it later when you do feel it. Sometimes, when you are constantly afraid, fear can feel normal. It’s not feeling fear that is weird to you, that creeps you out. Like living next to an airport or highway that suddenly goes quiet. The quiet seems unnatural to you. To reduce fear, you have to admit it is there.
Once you know that you feel fear, you have to figure out what you fear. That’s not always easy. If you have someone with a gun in your face – it’s easy. If you’re two seconds away from crashing into a wall at a hundred miles an hour – it’s easy. If you’re sitting in a diner or a park and suddenly you feel afraid, it’s not so easy.
It may have been something you heard. Things that are a threat to you, like a car crash or a gun shot, can be identified as fearful things. It may be something else that your fear noticed, even if your conscious didn’t. If something has made you afraid in the past, especially if you refused to admit you were afraid and buried that fear under denial, then something that reminds you of that time could trigger the buried fear. A laugh, joyous now but menacing then. A scream, as part of child’s game now but in terror then. The sound of someone falling to the cement, a mere trip now but part of something much worse then. You hear everything that goes on around you. You just don’t pay attention to it, for the most part. But your fear may pay attention to more than you think. Sight, touch, taste, smell – all of these may also hold triggers to the past.
You have two choices in this case. You can figure out what’s causing this from the past and unbury that fear so that it leaves. Or you can force the fear farther down, lock it, so that it can never trigger you again. Whatever works for you, though I don’t have quite the control for the second one.
You know you feel fear. You know why you feel fear. Then you can change the way you feel about that situation. Behavioral modification works, whether it’s by a trained psychotherapist or a person who just knows that when you fall off that horse, you got to get right back in the saddle. Same thing, essentially. You turn a fearful situation into something less fearful through pleasure, triumph, or survival. Or a combination of all three.
You can reduce the fear in your life and enhance your Future with your efforts.
The defeat of cruelty and the enhancement of wisdom – two things that I would love to have in the Future. To gain that, we need to reduce fear. So, how do we do that?
First, you have to know when you’re afraid. You have to be willing to admit to yourself that you feel fear and to recognize it later when you do feel it. Sometimes, when you are constantly afraid, fear can feel normal. It’s not feeling fear that is weird to you, that creeps you out. Like living next to an airport or highway that suddenly goes quiet. The quiet seems unnatural to you. To reduce fear, you have to admit it is there.
Once you know that you feel fear, you have to figure out what you fear. That’s not always easy. If you have someone with a gun in your face – it’s easy. If you’re two seconds away from crashing into a wall at a hundred miles an hour – it’s easy. If you’re sitting in a diner or a park and suddenly you feel afraid, it’s not so easy.
It may have been something you heard. Things that are a threat to you, like a car crash or a gun shot, can be identified as fearful things. It may be something else that your fear noticed, even if your conscious didn’t. If something has made you afraid in the past, especially if you refused to admit you were afraid and buried that fear under denial, then something that reminds you of that time could trigger the buried fear. A laugh, joyous now but menacing then. A scream, as part of child’s game now but in terror then. The sound of someone falling to the cement, a mere trip now but part of something much worse then. You hear everything that goes on around you. You just don’t pay attention to it, for the most part. But your fear may pay attention to more than you think. Sight, touch, taste, smell – all of these may also hold triggers to the past.
You have two choices in this case. You can figure out what’s causing this from the past and unbury that fear so that it leaves. Or you can force the fear farther down, lock it, so that it can never trigger you again. Whatever works for you, though I don’t have quite the control for the second one.
You know you feel fear. You know why you feel fear. Then you can change the way you feel about that situation. Behavioral modification works, whether it’s by a trained psychotherapist or a person who just knows that when you fall off that horse, you got to get right back in the saddle. Same thing, essentially. You turn a fearful situation into something less fearful through pleasure, triumph, or survival. Or a combination of all three.
You can reduce the fear in your life and enhance your Future with your efforts.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Perceptions and Attitude
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven. – Milton
You ever know anyone who seemed bound and determined to be miserable? It’s a beautiful day out, and they’ll talk about how much it’s going to rain that night. They get a raise at work, and they complain about how much more in taxes they’re going to have to pay. They could have a great day, except for the papercut, and that’s the part they’ll talk about. They prefer being miserable, no matter how good or lousy their lives are.
Then, there are their counterparts, their opposites. They’re the ones who will tell you that the rain is good weather for ducks or the lawns really needed it. If they get in a car accident and break a leg, they’ll thank god that no one else was hurt or that at least they’re alive. They see the silver lining in everything, or at the very least see a way to turn even the worst of times into an advantage.
Some people are born like this. Some people become this from a lifetime of habit. Some people choose to be like this. Your life is as good or as lousy as you want it to be, not just because of the way it really is but also because of the way you perceive it. If you want more heaven in your life, put it there. You can do it.
You ever know anyone who seemed bound and determined to be miserable? It’s a beautiful day out, and they’ll talk about how much it’s going to rain that night. They get a raise at work, and they complain about how much more in taxes they’re going to have to pay. They could have a great day, except for the papercut, and that’s the part they’ll talk about. They prefer being miserable, no matter how good or lousy their lives are.
Then, there are their counterparts, their opposites. They’re the ones who will tell you that the rain is good weather for ducks or the lawns really needed it. If they get in a car accident and break a leg, they’ll thank god that no one else was hurt or that at least they’re alive. They see the silver lining in everything, or at the very least see a way to turn even the worst of times into an advantage.
Some people are born like this. Some people become this from a lifetime of habit. Some people choose to be like this. Your life is as good or as lousy as you want it to be, not just because of the way it really is but also because of the way you perceive it. If you want more heaven in your life, put it there. You can do it.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Worrying (2)
We are, perhaps, uniquely among the earth's creatures, the worrying animal. We worry away our lives, fearing the future, discontent with the present, unable to take in the idea of dying, unable to sit still. - Lewis Thomas
Worry can be useful, if it prompts you into action. Worry as an action by itself is useless. Though the phrase “don’t worry” is common, it’s all but impossible to obey without action. You cannot will away worry. You must act or distract.
Take action against that which you are worrying. If you are worrying that your car will not make the long trip, have it checked by a mechanic. Get the oil changed before you go. Wash all the windows, headlights, and taillights so that nothing will impede your sight or others’ sight of you. Make certain that the air pressure in the tires is correct. Get rid of all the garbage or extra weight (unless you’re headed into snow or ice country, in which case extra weight may be exactly what you need). Take action to make the likelihood of what you fear as small as possible. That’s really what worry is – fear.
If you have taken all the action that you can, and you still worry, then do something else to distract yourself. Or, if you cannot distract yourself, find something you can do on autopilot. Dishes, sewing, weeding, vacuuming – none of these things really take any of brain power. If you do them while you’re worrying, you still worry, but your house is cleaner.
Animals live too much in the present to worry. We, as humans, are the ones who have part of ourselves in the past and part in the future. When those parts are in conflict or fear, then we worry.
Do you fear the Future? Why? Either you can change it – in which case take action – or you cannot – in which case turn to distraction. Worry is common in situations like getting a test back, sitting in for a performance review, or speaking in public. But, these things cannot be changed in the present time. You’ve already taken the test. You’ve already done your work for the past month, six months, year, however long since your last review. You cannot change these things. You have already practiced your speech, though some people worry about screwing up when they get on stage. That is in the future, and you really can’t do a whole lot about it, other than practice more (act) or calm yourself down so that you can do your best (distract).
Are you discontent with the present? Act. Don’t distract. Too many people distract themselves with TV, food, an affair, sports, and many other things. The funny things about the present, though, is that the problems in it follow you into the future. If you’re discontent about your small house, and you distract yourself instead of taking action to change it, you will still have a small house in the future. If you’re in a lousy marriage, same problem. There are times when these things will change for you. Your house may burn down or your spouse may leave you, but in most cases, what you have now is what you’ll have in the future, unless you act. Worry because you’re discontented with the present is like complaining about the weather – pointless. Act, or at the very least stop complaining so you stop annoying the rest of us.
Are you unable to take the idea of dying? Don’t blame you. Most people can’t. Most humans like to have a certain amount of control over their lives, and dying is a huge uncontrollable thing. Not even suicide is completely controllable. While you may think you have a foolproof plan to kill yourself, so did thousands and thousands of others throughout time who tried and failed. You may just end up even worse off than you are now. (Yes, that is possible.) You can’t know when or how you’re going to die, and unless you have unshakable faith, you don’t know what’s going to happen afterwards. It’s a scary thing. But you have no control over it, so it’s not something you should worry over. Fear it, sure, if you want. But put your fear on a shelf at the back of your brain or heart, because it’s not going to do you any good.
Are you unable to sit still? Act or distract until you’re in control of yourself again. What do I mean “in control”? You’re not out of control, are you? If you are unable to sit still, even when you try to sit still, then you are out of control. You cannot control yourself enough to force your body to sit still for an amount of time you determine. Act or distract until you can do what you want.
The Future will unfold in its time, no matter how much you worry. But, you can shape it, if you act. Don’t let worry prevent you from birthing your Future. Let it only guide you away from incorrect actions or towards correct ones.
Worry can be useful, if it prompts you into action. Worry as an action by itself is useless. Though the phrase “don’t worry” is common, it’s all but impossible to obey without action. You cannot will away worry. You must act or distract.
Take action against that which you are worrying. If you are worrying that your car will not make the long trip, have it checked by a mechanic. Get the oil changed before you go. Wash all the windows, headlights, and taillights so that nothing will impede your sight or others’ sight of you. Make certain that the air pressure in the tires is correct. Get rid of all the garbage or extra weight (unless you’re headed into snow or ice country, in which case extra weight may be exactly what you need). Take action to make the likelihood of what you fear as small as possible. That’s really what worry is – fear.
If you have taken all the action that you can, and you still worry, then do something else to distract yourself. Or, if you cannot distract yourself, find something you can do on autopilot. Dishes, sewing, weeding, vacuuming – none of these things really take any of brain power. If you do them while you’re worrying, you still worry, but your house is cleaner.
Animals live too much in the present to worry. We, as humans, are the ones who have part of ourselves in the past and part in the future. When those parts are in conflict or fear, then we worry.
Do you fear the Future? Why? Either you can change it – in which case take action – or you cannot – in which case turn to distraction. Worry is common in situations like getting a test back, sitting in for a performance review, or speaking in public. But, these things cannot be changed in the present time. You’ve already taken the test. You’ve already done your work for the past month, six months, year, however long since your last review. You cannot change these things. You have already practiced your speech, though some people worry about screwing up when they get on stage. That is in the future, and you really can’t do a whole lot about it, other than practice more (act) or calm yourself down so that you can do your best (distract).
Are you discontent with the present? Act. Don’t distract. Too many people distract themselves with TV, food, an affair, sports, and many other things. The funny things about the present, though, is that the problems in it follow you into the future. If you’re discontent about your small house, and you distract yourself instead of taking action to change it, you will still have a small house in the future. If you’re in a lousy marriage, same problem. There are times when these things will change for you. Your house may burn down or your spouse may leave you, but in most cases, what you have now is what you’ll have in the future, unless you act. Worry because you’re discontented with the present is like complaining about the weather – pointless. Act, or at the very least stop complaining so you stop annoying the rest of us.
Are you unable to take the idea of dying? Don’t blame you. Most people can’t. Most humans like to have a certain amount of control over their lives, and dying is a huge uncontrollable thing. Not even suicide is completely controllable. While you may think you have a foolproof plan to kill yourself, so did thousands and thousands of others throughout time who tried and failed. You may just end up even worse off than you are now. (Yes, that is possible.) You can’t know when or how you’re going to die, and unless you have unshakable faith, you don’t know what’s going to happen afterwards. It’s a scary thing. But you have no control over it, so it’s not something you should worry over. Fear it, sure, if you want. But put your fear on a shelf at the back of your brain or heart, because it’s not going to do you any good.
Are you unable to sit still? Act or distract until you’re in control of yourself again. What do I mean “in control”? You’re not out of control, are you? If you are unable to sit still, even when you try to sit still, then you are out of control. You cannot control yourself enough to force your body to sit still for an amount of time you determine. Act or distract until you can do what you want.
The Future will unfold in its time, no matter how much you worry. But, you can shape it, if you act. Don’t let worry prevent you from birthing your Future. Let it only guide you away from incorrect actions or towards correct ones.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Courage
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. - Anais Nin
Again, it’s about your comfort zone. There are people who never leave more than two miles around their parents’ home. They know their neighborhood, and they don’t need to leave it to find what they want. Or so they think. It’s hard to know what you want if you know very little. It’s like asking a paint store for blue paint. If they give you royal blue, then you’re happy. Unless, of course, you know of and perhaps wanted periwinkle, cornflower, baby blue, or aqua.
For others it’s not a matter of physical limitations. The limitations are mental or social. Some people know only accountants or people in their company or people in their club. They have a small group of people and situations they encounter, all very similar to one another. There’s not a whole lot of adventure in jetting off to Europe if you always go to the same hotel with your friends from back home.
What’s wrong with doing things you’re comfortable with? What’s wrong with staying in your comfort zone? Everything, if the Future you want is outside of it. If you want to be a world traveler, but you refuse to take a trip out of state, then there’s a problem. If you want to have a wide variety of friends with whom you can discuss all sorts of political and international issues, yet you won’t join any groups that have different people, not even a newsletter, then there’s a problem. If your Future is within your current comfort zone, congratulations and well done! But if it’s not…
Courage will expand your life. Even if you fail at first, try again and fail better. Or perhaps even succeed. If something is too scary for you, break it down into smaller pieces. Each piece you accomplish is another step towards your Future. Courage is doing what you don’t want to do, because you want what’s on the other side of it.
Two main ways of making things less scary and thus bumping up your courage to actually do them – breaking them down and familiarization. I’ve discussed breaking them down in other posts, so let’s take a look at familiarization.
Do you want to travel the world? Read a book – preferably a picture book – about the countries you want to see. Learn their languages. Get a pen pal from that country. In time, the country will seem more familiar to you, less scary, and you will be able to take that next step of a trip to one foreign country.
Do you want to be more assertive? Start saying hi to people you know but don’t normally say hi to. Join a discussion group (in real life or on line) and participate. Even a book club would work well. Write complaint letters to companies that give you bad service. Eventually, you’ll be able to tell the manager in person about the bad service rather than take it for now and vent later.
Do you want a new job? Audit a course (check with your university or college to see if they allow this) in the profession. Sign up for the newsletter of one of the profession’s organizations (most professions have one or more). Start talking to other people and see if anyone knows someone who is in that field. See if there are any library books about it or websites.
Learn more about what you want so that it becomes familiar to you. The familiar is less scary than the strange. Courage, and you will achieve your Future.
Again, it’s about your comfort zone. There are people who never leave more than two miles around their parents’ home. They know their neighborhood, and they don’t need to leave it to find what they want. Or so they think. It’s hard to know what you want if you know very little. It’s like asking a paint store for blue paint. If they give you royal blue, then you’re happy. Unless, of course, you know of and perhaps wanted periwinkle, cornflower, baby blue, or aqua.
For others it’s not a matter of physical limitations. The limitations are mental or social. Some people know only accountants or people in their company or people in their club. They have a small group of people and situations they encounter, all very similar to one another. There’s not a whole lot of adventure in jetting off to Europe if you always go to the same hotel with your friends from back home.
What’s wrong with doing things you’re comfortable with? What’s wrong with staying in your comfort zone? Everything, if the Future you want is outside of it. If you want to be a world traveler, but you refuse to take a trip out of state, then there’s a problem. If you want to have a wide variety of friends with whom you can discuss all sorts of political and international issues, yet you won’t join any groups that have different people, not even a newsletter, then there’s a problem. If your Future is within your current comfort zone, congratulations and well done! But if it’s not…
Courage will expand your life. Even if you fail at first, try again and fail better. Or perhaps even succeed. If something is too scary for you, break it down into smaller pieces. Each piece you accomplish is another step towards your Future. Courage is doing what you don’t want to do, because you want what’s on the other side of it.
Two main ways of making things less scary and thus bumping up your courage to actually do them – breaking them down and familiarization. I’ve discussed breaking them down in other posts, so let’s take a look at familiarization.
Do you want to travel the world? Read a book – preferably a picture book – about the countries you want to see. Learn their languages. Get a pen pal from that country. In time, the country will seem more familiar to you, less scary, and you will be able to take that next step of a trip to one foreign country.
Do you want to be more assertive? Start saying hi to people you know but don’t normally say hi to. Join a discussion group (in real life or on line) and participate. Even a book club would work well. Write complaint letters to companies that give you bad service. Eventually, you’ll be able to tell the manager in person about the bad service rather than take it for now and vent later.
Do you want a new job? Audit a course (check with your university or college to see if they allow this) in the profession. Sign up for the newsletter of one of the profession’s organizations (most professions have one or more). Start talking to other people and see if anyone knows someone who is in that field. See if there are any library books about it or websites.
Learn more about what you want so that it becomes familiar to you. The familiar is less scary than the strange. Courage, and you will achieve your Future.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Unexpected Success
I learned this at least by my experiment that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
Have you ever had something go incredibly well? Better than you expected? Better than you even thought it might? Or have you ever had a great idea or a sudden need and discovered yourself right outside the correct store or a coworker whose brother was an expert in whatever you needed? There are all kinds of ways that the universe will give you what you want and what you need when you go after the life you want.
If you don’t believe in a Higher Power or if you believe that a coincidence is just a coincidence, then read this paragraph and no further. It’s a similar situation as when you (or someone you know) get pregnant, and you see all around you advertisements for baby clothes, pregnant women, or shelf upon shelf of baby food in the grocery store. Those things have always been there. You just didn’t notice them. But now that your life is affected by babies, the baby-related items stick out in your memory. Life and success can be a lot like that. You may never know that your coworker has a brother who owns an art gallery until you start to work at your dream of painting and casually mention it at work. If you hadn’t started up your dream, if you hadn’t been confident enough in your abilities, then you wouldn’t have mentioned it. So you wouldn’t have known. There are a lot of different connections that people have. A person’s life is varied and rich. But you might not know that until you say something. And you might not say something until you start creating your Future, working on your dream, living your Life. And thus, in the “common hours” before your created, worked, and lived, you didn’t know just how much help was only a person or two away. Your success would be “unexpected”.
Me, I believe in a Higher Power. I believe that this Higher Power helps those who help themselves. I believe everything I wrote in the previous paragraph, but I also believe that the Higher Power will help you out. This help may take the form of gifts, loans, contacts, opportunities, or troubles. Even your troubles may be a good thing. They might slow you down if you’re not ready, test your resolve until you are certain that this is what you want no matter what, discourage you from a bad opportunity that looks really good, or strengthen you by forcing you to learn skills that you just didn’t want to learn before. You can get something out of adversity, if you look hard enough (and if you’re willing to get something out of it).
Your Future most likely will be even more wonderful that you had imagined, but only if you advance in the direction of your dreams and keep confidence in yourself and your goals.
Have you ever had something go incredibly well? Better than you expected? Better than you even thought it might? Or have you ever had a great idea or a sudden need and discovered yourself right outside the correct store or a coworker whose brother was an expert in whatever you needed? There are all kinds of ways that the universe will give you what you want and what you need when you go after the life you want.
If you don’t believe in a Higher Power or if you believe that a coincidence is just a coincidence, then read this paragraph and no further. It’s a similar situation as when you (or someone you know) get pregnant, and you see all around you advertisements for baby clothes, pregnant women, or shelf upon shelf of baby food in the grocery store. Those things have always been there. You just didn’t notice them. But now that your life is affected by babies, the baby-related items stick out in your memory. Life and success can be a lot like that. You may never know that your coworker has a brother who owns an art gallery until you start to work at your dream of painting and casually mention it at work. If you hadn’t started up your dream, if you hadn’t been confident enough in your abilities, then you wouldn’t have mentioned it. So you wouldn’t have known. There are a lot of different connections that people have. A person’s life is varied and rich. But you might not know that until you say something. And you might not say something until you start creating your Future, working on your dream, living your Life. And thus, in the “common hours” before your created, worked, and lived, you didn’t know just how much help was only a person or two away. Your success would be “unexpected”.
Me, I believe in a Higher Power. I believe that this Higher Power helps those who help themselves. I believe everything I wrote in the previous paragraph, but I also believe that the Higher Power will help you out. This help may take the form of gifts, loans, contacts, opportunities, or troubles. Even your troubles may be a good thing. They might slow you down if you’re not ready, test your resolve until you are certain that this is what you want no matter what, discourage you from a bad opportunity that looks really good, or strengthen you by forcing you to learn skills that you just didn’t want to learn before. You can get something out of adversity, if you look hard enough (and if you’re willing to get something out of it).
Your Future most likely will be even more wonderful that you had imagined, but only if you advance in the direction of your dreams and keep confidence in yourself and your goals.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Affecting Others
I realize that making myself a better, strong, more aware person will affect those around me and perhaps others through them. - Rebecca Latimer
This is why we concentrate so much on ourselves, because it is through example that we best get others to change. It is by being loving that we encourage others to love. It is by being generous that we encourage others to give. We have all known people whose motto is “Do as I say, not as I do”. How effective is that? Did you really do what they said for longer than you were forced to?
I want the Future to be more loving, more creative, more giving, more peaceful, and I can do that by starting with me. I be more loving, more creative, more giving, and more peaceful, and I bring a little more of each into the world. I make that change, and even if no one else follows my example, at least that little bit is still in this world.
You never know who’s watching you, who is inspired by you, who may hear of your deeds or kindness or words and decide to make changes as well. You don’t know all of the effect you will have on the world, so be what you want to see, and others will follow your example.
This is why we concentrate so much on ourselves, because it is through example that we best get others to change. It is by being loving that we encourage others to love. It is by being generous that we encourage others to give. We have all known people whose motto is “Do as I say, not as I do”. How effective is that? Did you really do what they said for longer than you were forced to?
I want the Future to be more loving, more creative, more giving, more peaceful, and I can do that by starting with me. I be more loving, more creative, more giving, and more peaceful, and I bring a little more of each into the world. I make that change, and even if no one else follows my example, at least that little bit is still in this world.
You never know who’s watching you, who is inspired by you, who may hear of your deeds or kindness or words and decide to make changes as well. You don’t know all of the effect you will have on the world, so be what you want to see, and others will follow your example.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Results
It does not matter if today's results do not show. They will in time. - Tracy from Flylady
Everything is very rushed, according to the media. Everything is “buy now” and “for a limited time only” and “only two weeks to a new you”. It leaves us with the impression that unless something happens right now, it’s not going to happen. That’s not true. Unless you give up, of course. If you allow your impatience to convince you to give up, then what you’ve been working on, working towards, may never come to be.
I won’t go into how the Grand Canyon took eons to make. It took eons. We, as humans, don’t have eons. We have years, decades. But not eons. So, let’s go with some things that took less than a lifetime to create. Humans, first of all. A human takes nine months, roughly, from conception to birth in order to be created. Each day seems very much like the previous during this time, especially during the first 3 months, before the mother begins to show. However, this is when some of the quickest changes are taking place. They’re just small, compared to what we can see.
A beautiful building can take years to complete, especially if you have to get rid of the old building that was on the site before it. Again, each day doesn’t look a whole lot different from the day before, but it is. The small changes keep piling up and making a noticeable difference between then and now.
The last Harry Potter book was published two years after book number 6. It took some hard core fans less than a day to read it. But it took two years to write. I’m fairly confident that J.K. Rowling did not wait for 1 year and 11 months and then write her book in 30 days or less. In this case, the minor results show – another page written, one more piece of editing done, an entire chapter complete, but the whole and complete package took time.
If there is something you want, be prepared for it to take some time. Maybe this time is mental preparation. Perhaps there’s something you need to “psyche yourself up for”, and that can take weeks. These weeks are not wasted, because they were needed to get you ready for what you need to do.
Maybe this is physical preparation. Maybe you want to get a sculpted body with well defined muscles. Depending on where you start, you could have a long way to go before you get there. And if you’re very much overweight, it could be quite some time before you can see the results with your eyes. But the results are there, buried beneath your skin. Slowly, your body loses its layers of fat and your muscles grow a little bit more, until one day you can see the muscle definition when you flex. This is a great day, and if you keep at it through those times of “no results”, you will get there.
It could be spiritual preparation, something you have to pray over, discuss with your spiritual advisor, or reconcile ethically. You may have been brought up one way but now believe another (especially true if your parents were abusers of any kind), and you have a difficult time to align your actions with your new beliefs. Be kind to yourself and keep taking steps to the goal.
It could be emotional preparation. Perhaps the “psyching yourself up for it” isn’t just a mental process, but an emotional one. Do you need to tell someone you love them? Do you need to leave someone? Either one of those things can be emotionally difficult, and you could need some time to get yourself prepared. Just make certain you’re not using “preparation” when what you’re really doing is “procrastinating”.
Not every wonderful thing that will happen to you or because of you will be instantaneous. Not everything will happen right away or when you expect or as soon as you expect. But the small results will happen, and they will build up over time, and eventually, what you build will come true. You can birth the Future one step at a time.
Everything is very rushed, according to the media. Everything is “buy now” and “for a limited time only” and “only two weeks to a new you”. It leaves us with the impression that unless something happens right now, it’s not going to happen. That’s not true. Unless you give up, of course. If you allow your impatience to convince you to give up, then what you’ve been working on, working towards, may never come to be.
I won’t go into how the Grand Canyon took eons to make. It took eons. We, as humans, don’t have eons. We have years, decades. But not eons. So, let’s go with some things that took less than a lifetime to create. Humans, first of all. A human takes nine months, roughly, from conception to birth in order to be created. Each day seems very much like the previous during this time, especially during the first 3 months, before the mother begins to show. However, this is when some of the quickest changes are taking place. They’re just small, compared to what we can see.
A beautiful building can take years to complete, especially if you have to get rid of the old building that was on the site before it. Again, each day doesn’t look a whole lot different from the day before, but it is. The small changes keep piling up and making a noticeable difference between then and now.
The last Harry Potter book was published two years after book number 6. It took some hard core fans less than a day to read it. But it took two years to write. I’m fairly confident that J.K. Rowling did not wait for 1 year and 11 months and then write her book in 30 days or less. In this case, the minor results show – another page written, one more piece of editing done, an entire chapter complete, but the whole and complete package took time.
If there is something you want, be prepared for it to take some time. Maybe this time is mental preparation. Perhaps there’s something you need to “psyche yourself up for”, and that can take weeks. These weeks are not wasted, because they were needed to get you ready for what you need to do.
Maybe this is physical preparation. Maybe you want to get a sculpted body with well defined muscles. Depending on where you start, you could have a long way to go before you get there. And if you’re very much overweight, it could be quite some time before you can see the results with your eyes. But the results are there, buried beneath your skin. Slowly, your body loses its layers of fat and your muscles grow a little bit more, until one day you can see the muscle definition when you flex. This is a great day, and if you keep at it through those times of “no results”, you will get there.
It could be spiritual preparation, something you have to pray over, discuss with your spiritual advisor, or reconcile ethically. You may have been brought up one way but now believe another (especially true if your parents were abusers of any kind), and you have a difficult time to align your actions with your new beliefs. Be kind to yourself and keep taking steps to the goal.
It could be emotional preparation. Perhaps the “psyching yourself up for it” isn’t just a mental process, but an emotional one. Do you need to tell someone you love them? Do you need to leave someone? Either one of those things can be emotionally difficult, and you could need some time to get yourself prepared. Just make certain you’re not using “preparation” when what you’re really doing is “procrastinating”.
Not every wonderful thing that will happen to you or because of you will be instantaneous. Not everything will happen right away or when you expect or as soon as you expect. But the small results will happen, and they will build up over time, and eventually, what you build will come true. You can birth the Future one step at a time.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Anniversaries and Kindness
It’s been just over a year since I found out I had to have surgery. It seems both a lot longer and a lot shorter than that. That’s the way with a lot of “first-after”s in our life, a good number of them sad. The first Christmas after a loved one dies. The first spring after being forced to move. The first work day after you were fired from your last job. Life is full of “first-after”s, but they pass. And the “second-after” isn’t as hard. “This too shall pass” is an ancient saying, but it is still true. If you allow yourself to grieve and do not hold on to the pain but let it flow from you, the pain will pass with time. Will you ever be “all better”, “as good as new”, “just like before”. Probably not. Hopefully not. Because if you don’t change, then there was no reason for you to have gone through it. The Future is shaped by change and by inertia. The Future is created by change alone. Create your Future, and be kind to yourself during your “first-after”s.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Deepest Treasure
Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure. - Rainer Maria Rilke
Some of the most wondrous things and times in our lives have come immediately after facing our fears and not backing away. Fear is what makes up the boundaries of our comfort zones. It’s like the maps of old where along the edges they would write “Here be dragons”, to let sailors know that no one knew what lay beyond the borders of the map. But the borders of the map blocked off the New World. The borders of your comfort zone can block off a New Life.
A lot of people live on the surface of life. They don’t bother with things that make them uncomfortable. They work at their safe jobs, drive home, turn on the distraction, and fall asleep mentally and emotionally long before their bodies do. And in the mornings, they do it all again. They back away from adversity or new things or change. Why? They think they have it all. And yet, these are the same people who are constantly trying to keep up with the Joneses. Why? Because the Joneses have more than they do. It’s amazing how a person can “have it all”, until their neighbor gets a new car. And then they want a new car. A new car is their dream. Or a new TV or lawn mower or whatever.
Even their dreams are small.
Their comfort zones are small, and their dreams are small. If they’re going to spend enough money to get a new car, why not go to France instead? They obviously have a perfectly good (if a few years old) car in their own garage. Why keep following in the footsteps of their neighbors? Why not live a little differently? Or if not France, what about dance lessons or music lessons or saving the money and joining a public speaking group? They want to be noticed and different and admired, but only in exactly the same way that they notice and admire other people. Different really doesn’t quite make it from their claims to their true wishes.
What about you?
Are your dreams small? Is your comfort zone small? Do you want them to be small? Are they are large as you want? Is fear stopping you? Fear is only an emotion, and not always a rational one at that. Fear has its place, but not as a dream stopper. Fear of black ice so you drive carefully, that’s a good fear. Fear of the snarling dog foaming at the mouth coming towards you, that’s a good fear. Fear of taking dance lessons? Not really a good fear. Fear of going to France? Not really a good fear. Could something awful happen in a foreign land where you don’t know anyone and you don’t speak the language? Why, yes, bad things could happen, including things that wouldn’t happen in your native country. But, you can take precautions against those bad things, just like you take precautions against black ice and rabid dogs. Don’t let it stop you from going to France or joining a choir or finishing your degree.
Small dreams come true. But, you know what? So do big dreams. And if your dreams are going to come true, which would you rather have? Face your fears, slay your dragons, find your treasure, build your Future. You can do this.
Some of the most wondrous things and times in our lives have come immediately after facing our fears and not backing away. Fear is what makes up the boundaries of our comfort zones. It’s like the maps of old where along the edges they would write “Here be dragons”, to let sailors know that no one knew what lay beyond the borders of the map. But the borders of the map blocked off the New World. The borders of your comfort zone can block off a New Life.
A lot of people live on the surface of life. They don’t bother with things that make them uncomfortable. They work at their safe jobs, drive home, turn on the distraction, and fall asleep mentally and emotionally long before their bodies do. And in the mornings, they do it all again. They back away from adversity or new things or change. Why? They think they have it all. And yet, these are the same people who are constantly trying to keep up with the Joneses. Why? Because the Joneses have more than they do. It’s amazing how a person can “have it all”, until their neighbor gets a new car. And then they want a new car. A new car is their dream. Or a new TV or lawn mower or whatever.
Even their dreams are small.
Their comfort zones are small, and their dreams are small. If they’re going to spend enough money to get a new car, why not go to France instead? They obviously have a perfectly good (if a few years old) car in their own garage. Why keep following in the footsteps of their neighbors? Why not live a little differently? Or if not France, what about dance lessons or music lessons or saving the money and joining a public speaking group? They want to be noticed and different and admired, but only in exactly the same way that they notice and admire other people. Different really doesn’t quite make it from their claims to their true wishes.
What about you?
Are your dreams small? Is your comfort zone small? Do you want them to be small? Are they are large as you want? Is fear stopping you? Fear is only an emotion, and not always a rational one at that. Fear has its place, but not as a dream stopper. Fear of black ice so you drive carefully, that’s a good fear. Fear of the snarling dog foaming at the mouth coming towards you, that’s a good fear. Fear of taking dance lessons? Not really a good fear. Fear of going to France? Not really a good fear. Could something awful happen in a foreign land where you don’t know anyone and you don’t speak the language? Why, yes, bad things could happen, including things that wouldn’t happen in your native country. But, you can take precautions against those bad things, just like you take precautions against black ice and rabid dogs. Don’t let it stop you from going to France or joining a choir or finishing your degree.
Small dreams come true. But, you know what? So do big dreams. And if your dreams are going to come true, which would you rather have? Face your fears, slay your dragons, find your treasure, build your Future. You can do this.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Life Or Nothing
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. - Helen Keller
You have a choice. You constantly have choices. You may not think you do. You may have so many restrictions upon you that your only choice is your attitude. But you always have a choice. At least one. How will you see today? As a day of drudgery or one of adventure? Will you dare to live or will you merely exist? Will you choose to be defeated, or will you hold on?
You have a choice. And the most insidious, the sneakiest, the most wonderful thing about this is that you don’t have to change your life in order to make a different choice. You just have to change your living. And this choice is the most important choice, one that feeds or hinders all others. It is the one of attitude.
And if you play it right, if you do nothing differently except think, if you show outwardly nothing of the change of choice you’ve made inside yourself, then no one will know. Except you. They may suspect. But since you’re doing the same things as you did yesterday, how would they know? If you’re truly in so bad a situation (and some of you are) that you dare now smile if you’re not allowed, dare not frown when sad, dare not shed any tears or express an opinion, then keep it all inside you. Make your choice of attitude and realization, and change the way you live your life, even if you don’t change your life.
The realization is that you have a choice. Once you realize that, things get both a lot tougher and a lot easier. It’s tougher because now the control is in your hands, and you can’t blame someone else for it. It’s easier because now that you realize you have the control, you can make that choice. Do you look at life as a victim or a survivor? Do you see yourself as imprisoned, or merely biding your time here until you have somewhere else to go, someplace better? Do you see yourself as powerless or powerful? Are you the central character of your life, or have you given that role over to someone else?
And make no mistake, you are the one who makes that choice. Do your parents think the world of your little sister and nothing of you? So what? That’s their choice. Do not make their choice the center of your world. First, see yourself as wonderful and then find other people who share that opinion. Your parents can keep their opinion. You don’t have to agree or fight. Are you in an abusive relationship where the other person insists that you wait on them hand and foot, always taking them into consideration no matter what you do? You can still make the choice about how you think and whether or not you leave, and if so how. Suicide is unfortunately the choice that some abuse victims make, whether it be by knife, car accident, starvation, or refusing to see a doctor until they are too sick to be cured. Abuse survivors, on the other hand, do not choose suicide as how they will leave, if they choose to leave. They figure out a way to make it out with their bodies and more importantly their spirits intact.
Any other scenarios where you are not the central character of your life can pretty much be referred to those two cases. Annoying coworker who seems to get promotions and raises more often than you? See the first case. Annoying boss who thinks that work should be your life rather than your job? See the second case.
Realize you have the choice to make your life what you want, and then choose your attitude. With your attitude in place and consciously chosen, you can then create your life more easily, more readily, and more happily. Realize, choose, and give birth to your Future.
You have a choice. You constantly have choices. You may not think you do. You may have so many restrictions upon you that your only choice is your attitude. But you always have a choice. At least one. How will you see today? As a day of drudgery or one of adventure? Will you dare to live or will you merely exist? Will you choose to be defeated, or will you hold on?
You have a choice. And the most insidious, the sneakiest, the most wonderful thing about this is that you don’t have to change your life in order to make a different choice. You just have to change your living. And this choice is the most important choice, one that feeds or hinders all others. It is the one of attitude.
And if you play it right, if you do nothing differently except think, if you show outwardly nothing of the change of choice you’ve made inside yourself, then no one will know. Except you. They may suspect. But since you’re doing the same things as you did yesterday, how would they know? If you’re truly in so bad a situation (and some of you are) that you dare now smile if you’re not allowed, dare not frown when sad, dare not shed any tears or express an opinion, then keep it all inside you. Make your choice of attitude and realization, and change the way you live your life, even if you don’t change your life.
The realization is that you have a choice. Once you realize that, things get both a lot tougher and a lot easier. It’s tougher because now the control is in your hands, and you can’t blame someone else for it. It’s easier because now that you realize you have the control, you can make that choice. Do you look at life as a victim or a survivor? Do you see yourself as imprisoned, or merely biding your time here until you have somewhere else to go, someplace better? Do you see yourself as powerless or powerful? Are you the central character of your life, or have you given that role over to someone else?
And make no mistake, you are the one who makes that choice. Do your parents think the world of your little sister and nothing of you? So what? That’s their choice. Do not make their choice the center of your world. First, see yourself as wonderful and then find other people who share that opinion. Your parents can keep their opinion. You don’t have to agree or fight. Are you in an abusive relationship where the other person insists that you wait on them hand and foot, always taking them into consideration no matter what you do? You can still make the choice about how you think and whether or not you leave, and if so how. Suicide is unfortunately the choice that some abuse victims make, whether it be by knife, car accident, starvation, or refusing to see a doctor until they are too sick to be cured. Abuse survivors, on the other hand, do not choose suicide as how they will leave, if they choose to leave. They figure out a way to make it out with their bodies and more importantly their spirits intact.
Any other scenarios where you are not the central character of your life can pretty much be referred to those two cases. Annoying coworker who seems to get promotions and raises more often than you? See the first case. Annoying boss who thinks that work should be your life rather than your job? See the second case.
Realize you have the choice to make your life what you want, and then choose your attitude. With your attitude in place and consciously chosen, you can then create your life more easily, more readily, and more happily. Realize, choose, and give birth to your Future.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Next Step
Writing is like driving at night. You cannot see beyond your headlights…but you can make the whole trip that way. - E.L. Doctorow
Sometimes, you can see your goal and everything between here and there. You can see where the path twists and turns. You can see the roadblocks ahead and prepare for them. You can slow down at the bumpy parts and speed up on the straight areas.
And then night falls.
Night can be exhaustion (and is usually accompanied by exhaustion). It can be a more urgent priority (sick kid, sick parent, sick yourself, car accident, house fire, etc.). It can be an unexpected obstacle (the local college doesn’t offer that degree, you get fired, the program you’d signed up for gets cancelled, something goes out of business, etc.). It can be confusion (I thought I’d know what to do once I got to this point).
Night is the time when you know what your Future looks like, but you just can’t see how to get there from here.
But night doesn’t last, unless you sit on your butt and give up. If you choose to stay in the night, then night will stay with you. But if you continue on, the dawn will come, and things will be clear again.
Take care of the emergency (just be sure to set boundaries and take care of yourself at the same time!). Figure out another way around the obstacle. Do some more research, if you’re confused. Keep alert to possibilities and options. They’re all around us. Read the newspapers and the signs at the library. Check out the books on your subject; perhaps they’ll have an idea you hadn’t thought of before. Talk to supportive people about your dream (and keep it defended against negative people); they may know someone or something you don’t. Night time is when our bodies rest and prepare themselves for the coming day. Use your night to figure out the next step and prepare to take it once you can.
Sometimes, you can see your goal and everything between here and there. You can see where the path twists and turns. You can see the roadblocks ahead and prepare for them. You can slow down at the bumpy parts and speed up on the straight areas.
And then night falls.
Night can be exhaustion (and is usually accompanied by exhaustion). It can be a more urgent priority (sick kid, sick parent, sick yourself, car accident, house fire, etc.). It can be an unexpected obstacle (the local college doesn’t offer that degree, you get fired, the program you’d signed up for gets cancelled, something goes out of business, etc.). It can be confusion (I thought I’d know what to do once I got to this point).
Night is the time when you know what your Future looks like, but you just can’t see how to get there from here.
But night doesn’t last, unless you sit on your butt and give up. If you choose to stay in the night, then night will stay with you. But if you continue on, the dawn will come, and things will be clear again.
Take care of the emergency (just be sure to set boundaries and take care of yourself at the same time!). Figure out another way around the obstacle. Do some more research, if you’re confused. Keep alert to possibilities and options. They’re all around us. Read the newspapers and the signs at the library. Check out the books on your subject; perhaps they’ll have an idea you hadn’t thought of before. Talk to supportive people about your dream (and keep it defended against negative people); they may know someone or something you don’t. Night time is when our bodies rest and prepare themselves for the coming day. Use your night to figure out the next step and prepare to take it once you can.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Energy
Sometimes the only thing we do to avoid success is refuse to be energetic on our own behalf. - Barbara Sher
Have you ever been to a football game? If you’re tuned into other people’s energy levels or in least bit empathic, it can be quite a heady experience. The energy everyone expends at a good football game is immense. The players play hard, the coaches coach, the cheerleaders cheer, and the fans go wild, and everyone spends a whole lot of energy doing it. It’s what they want to do, for entertainment, for a job, or for their passion. At least, for some people it’s their passion. Some people want to be football players, coaches, cheerleaders, or fans, and if their Future contains that, that’s great by them. But for others, it’s just entertainment. It’s just a way to socialize and unwind from a long day or a long week. Or it’s just a job that they have right now until something else comes along. The game serves its purpose, but not the person’s purpose in life.
You see those people, and then you step back and take a look at the rest of their life. Where else do they spend as much energy as they do at that football game? With their buddies at the bar? In bed? Ranting and complaining? Are any of those their purpose in life? The basis on which they will build their Future? Probably not. They are energetic, and they are passionate, but not about themselves or their lives.
What about you? Where do you spend your time and energy? On entertainment? On a job that’s “just a job”? Or on your passion, your purpose, your Future? Give it some thought.
Have you ever been to a football game? If you’re tuned into other people’s energy levels or in least bit empathic, it can be quite a heady experience. The energy everyone expends at a good football game is immense. The players play hard, the coaches coach, the cheerleaders cheer, and the fans go wild, and everyone spends a whole lot of energy doing it. It’s what they want to do, for entertainment, for a job, or for their passion. At least, for some people it’s their passion. Some people want to be football players, coaches, cheerleaders, or fans, and if their Future contains that, that’s great by them. But for others, it’s just entertainment. It’s just a way to socialize and unwind from a long day or a long week. Or it’s just a job that they have right now until something else comes along. The game serves its purpose, but not the person’s purpose in life.
You see those people, and then you step back and take a look at the rest of their life. Where else do they spend as much energy as they do at that football game? With their buddies at the bar? In bed? Ranting and complaining? Are any of those their purpose in life? The basis on which they will build their Future? Probably not. They are energetic, and they are passionate, but not about themselves or their lives.
What about you? Where do you spend your time and energy? On entertainment? On a job that’s “just a job”? Or on your passion, your purpose, your Future? Give it some thought.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Bored in the Face of Shoulds
Are you ever bored? It’s actually rather easy to become bored. Most people do it at least once in their lives, some as often as several times a week. Being bored does not mean that you have nothing to do. Usually, it’s the opposite. You have things to do, but they’re not the things you want to do. They are the “shoulds”. I should unload the dishwasher. I should review my notes for the test (or meeting) tomorrow. I should take care of the thing I said I’d do today. But I don’t want to. Boredom, at least in this affluent country of the United States of America, comes more often from having something you should do and nothing really want to do. At least, not at this moment.
There are other boredoms, too. There’s the day-in-day-out boredom of being in a job that doesn’t challenge or excite you. There’s the boredom of waiting in line. There’s the boredom of life today being the exact copy of life yesterday and of life tomorrow. These boredoms are easy to take care of, though. For the first, find a new job. For the second, get a walkman or an ipod or hum under your breath. For the last, build and create your Future. When you create your Future, your tomorrow will be different from yesterday.
But back to the original topic – getting bored when there’s plenty to do, but you just don’t feel like doing any of it. It can occur even when there’s fun stuff to do (watch a movie, put together a puzzle, call a friend), but you’re just not in the mood for any of it. What do you do then?
Being bored is a huge time waster. You can sit on your butt and wonder, “What should I do?” Eventually, that will be answered for you, because you’ll have wasted an hour or more just sitting there, and you can no longer avoid all those shoulds that you had been avoiding before. You’ll have to do the laundry, because you have no more clean clothes. You’ll have to unload the dishwasher, because you don’t have any other clean dishes. You’ll have to review your notes, or at the very least it’ll become to late to do anything about it, and that “should” gets taken off your list anyway. So, what do you do?
You do the should. I know, I know. You don’t want to. The good news is, there’s a catch. That wasn’t the complete sentence, but I wanted to make certain you were paying attention. You do the should until you think of something you would actually enjoy doing. In the case of reviewing notes, that can be difficult, because when we are bored, our minds tend to wander, and that makes intellectual activity a problem. However, we are in luck in that there are very few times that any of us is plagued by just one should. Most of us have plenty of shoulds to go around. And if you’re just too bored to do the one that requires thinking, do the one that doesn’t. And if you don’t have one that doesn’t require thinking, I’m impressed. Because at that point, all your dishes are clean and put away, all of your laundry is done and put away, all your floors are swept or vacuumed, the pets and plants have been taken care of, there is no dust in your house, all of your bills have been paid and your checkbooks have been balanced, your toilets are clean as are your shower and tub, all your library books and videos have been returned, the groceries have been bought, your windows are washed, and your bed has been made. I don’t think that I’ve had all of those things happen in my home at the same time ever.
This is where a little planning can come in handy. Your Future is a wondrous place, and I’m certain that there are things that you can do to create it. Big things, little things, and medium-sized things. Make a list of all of the things you need to or want to do in order to create your Future and keep that list handy for when you get bored. Do one of those things, and if they’re all too big to do, use your boring time to make the steps smaller.
Do a should or do a creative step. Even if you are still bored when you’re done, at least you got it finished. Congratulations on that.
There are other boredoms, too. There’s the day-in-day-out boredom of being in a job that doesn’t challenge or excite you. There’s the boredom of waiting in line. There’s the boredom of life today being the exact copy of life yesterday and of life tomorrow. These boredoms are easy to take care of, though. For the first, find a new job. For the second, get a walkman or an ipod or hum under your breath. For the last, build and create your Future. When you create your Future, your tomorrow will be different from yesterday.
But back to the original topic – getting bored when there’s plenty to do, but you just don’t feel like doing any of it. It can occur even when there’s fun stuff to do (watch a movie, put together a puzzle, call a friend), but you’re just not in the mood for any of it. What do you do then?
Being bored is a huge time waster. You can sit on your butt and wonder, “What should I do?” Eventually, that will be answered for you, because you’ll have wasted an hour or more just sitting there, and you can no longer avoid all those shoulds that you had been avoiding before. You’ll have to do the laundry, because you have no more clean clothes. You’ll have to unload the dishwasher, because you don’t have any other clean dishes. You’ll have to review your notes, or at the very least it’ll become to late to do anything about it, and that “should” gets taken off your list anyway. So, what do you do?
You do the should. I know, I know. You don’t want to. The good news is, there’s a catch. That wasn’t the complete sentence, but I wanted to make certain you were paying attention. You do the should until you think of something you would actually enjoy doing. In the case of reviewing notes, that can be difficult, because when we are bored, our minds tend to wander, and that makes intellectual activity a problem. However, we are in luck in that there are very few times that any of us is plagued by just one should. Most of us have plenty of shoulds to go around. And if you’re just too bored to do the one that requires thinking, do the one that doesn’t. And if you don’t have one that doesn’t require thinking, I’m impressed. Because at that point, all your dishes are clean and put away, all of your laundry is done and put away, all your floors are swept or vacuumed, the pets and plants have been taken care of, there is no dust in your house, all of your bills have been paid and your checkbooks have been balanced, your toilets are clean as are your shower and tub, all your library books and videos have been returned, the groceries have been bought, your windows are washed, and your bed has been made. I don’t think that I’ve had all of those things happen in my home at the same time ever.
This is where a little planning can come in handy. Your Future is a wondrous place, and I’m certain that there are things that you can do to create it. Big things, little things, and medium-sized things. Make a list of all of the things you need to or want to do in order to create your Future and keep that list handy for when you get bored. Do one of those things, and if they’re all too big to do, use your boring time to make the steps smaller.
Do a should or do a creative step. Even if you are still bored when you’re done, at least you got it finished. Congratulations on that.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Let it go
How do you let it go when someone has hurt you? How do you let it go when there is a pain in your heart that no amount of crying lessens, that no amount of time seems to dull? How do you let go of something that keeps popping into your head, no matter what else you try to think of?
Or, how do you make the choice to let it go? Some people are not plagued by old wounds and remembered slights. Instead, they relish them, relive them, recount them to others and themselves over and over. They enjoy the pain, though they claim to be plagued by it. They play the martyr. These are not people interested in the Future. They are mired in the past, dragging it with them wherever they go. First thing you have to do to build the Future? Prepare for it in the Present, and you can’t do that if you’re living in the past.
Those of you who read this blog are the ones who want to create the Future and are willing to let go of at least some of the past hurts and pains. So, we’ll just continue on as if you aren’t one of the people in the second paragraph (or at least aren’t that way about everything), and we’ll go back to the first. How do you let go?
A lot of the self-help books tell you to forgive, but I’m not sure that’s right. I was taught that you forgive someone when they’ve made amends for something, or when you’re willing to say that it’s no longer a bad thing. There are just some things that I can’t do that for. There are people who’ll say that “to forgive” means to let go of the hurt whether or not someone’s made amends or if it’s something that can ever be okay. That’s not what I was taught. Instead, if you can’t forgive the sin and if you can’t forgive the sinner, then let it go.
After all, if that’s what “forgive” means to some people, then we are in agreement. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain, and leave the past in the past.
What does this not mean? This doesn’t mean you haven’t changed. This doesn’t mean that you haven’t gone through something horrible. This doesn’t mean that you say it wasn’t that big of a deal or that it was okay or that you are willing to see that person again or treat them well or even wish them well (that’s a little more than I can do for some people, though it does feel really good when you can expend positive energy, even against those who have wronged you).
What does this mean? It means that you take what you can from the experience, use it to grow, learn, strengthen, and change, and leave the rest in the past. You let go of anything that’s not of use to you. You let go of the pain when it no longer serves a purpose. You keep the good, and you let go of the bad.
How? You focus. You focus on the positive aspects, when you have to think about it at all. You focus on the positive in your life, on building your Future. You give yourself something else to think about, so that you don’t dwell on it in the dark of the night or any other time. You find a mantra, an affirmation, a prayer, a koan, or anything else that you can use to fill your head with something positive and building, rather than mulling over something destructive and painful.
Is it really that simple? Yes. But it’s not easy. By all that exists in this universe, it ain’t easy. If it was, you would have done it long ago. But it can be done. Persist, build, and focus. In that way, you let go of the past, clear out your Present, and make room for your Future.
Or, how do you make the choice to let it go? Some people are not plagued by old wounds and remembered slights. Instead, they relish them, relive them, recount them to others and themselves over and over. They enjoy the pain, though they claim to be plagued by it. They play the martyr. These are not people interested in the Future. They are mired in the past, dragging it with them wherever they go. First thing you have to do to build the Future? Prepare for it in the Present, and you can’t do that if you’re living in the past.
Those of you who read this blog are the ones who want to create the Future and are willing to let go of at least some of the past hurts and pains. So, we’ll just continue on as if you aren’t one of the people in the second paragraph (or at least aren’t that way about everything), and we’ll go back to the first. How do you let go?
A lot of the self-help books tell you to forgive, but I’m not sure that’s right. I was taught that you forgive someone when they’ve made amends for something, or when you’re willing to say that it’s no longer a bad thing. There are just some things that I can’t do that for. There are people who’ll say that “to forgive” means to let go of the hurt whether or not someone’s made amends or if it’s something that can ever be okay. That’s not what I was taught. Instead, if you can’t forgive the sin and if you can’t forgive the sinner, then let it go.
After all, if that’s what “forgive” means to some people, then we are in agreement. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain, and leave the past in the past.
What does this not mean? This doesn’t mean you haven’t changed. This doesn’t mean that you haven’t gone through something horrible. This doesn’t mean that you say it wasn’t that big of a deal or that it was okay or that you are willing to see that person again or treat them well or even wish them well (that’s a little more than I can do for some people, though it does feel really good when you can expend positive energy, even against those who have wronged you).
What does this mean? It means that you take what you can from the experience, use it to grow, learn, strengthen, and change, and leave the rest in the past. You let go of anything that’s not of use to you. You let go of the pain when it no longer serves a purpose. You keep the good, and you let go of the bad.
How? You focus. You focus on the positive aspects, when you have to think about it at all. You focus on the positive in your life, on building your Future. You give yourself something else to think about, so that you don’t dwell on it in the dark of the night or any other time. You find a mantra, an affirmation, a prayer, a koan, or anything else that you can use to fill your head with something positive and building, rather than mulling over something destructive and painful.
Is it really that simple? Yes. But it’s not easy. By all that exists in this universe, it ain’t easy. If it was, you would have done it long ago. But it can be done. Persist, build, and focus. In that way, you let go of the past, clear out your Present, and make room for your Future.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
All or nothing? Why?
Why does it have to be all or nothing with some people? For some people, it’s a way of life. For most, it’s an occasional thing. But, just about everyone, at some point or another, will insist that some event or some characteristic or some something be all or nothing. But it doesn’t have to be.
There are a few situations in which all or nothing makes sense. Drug use, for example, and other addictions where a single slip can start a dangerous cycle. Fidelity in a relationship, if that is something you agree upon (there are some who are in a polygamous relationship). Honesty, for some (though others will allow white lies and times of privacy to intrude on the honesty between two people). Allergies, especially the more lethal ones. But all or nothing doesn’t belong in a lot of areas of life.
Diets, for example. To tell yourself that you are never allowed to have a cookie or an ice cream cone is ridiculous. To tell yourself that because you had one cookie, you may as well have a dozen is also ridiculous. Moderation in your diet will work better both for your metabolism and your will power. If you get a cookie now and again, it won’t hold so much power over you.
Anything that you are trying to control in your life, make it easier on yourself, if you can. Don’t have “just one drink”, especially not with that cute guy from accounting that you “haven’t really” been flirting with. Those are a couple of areas that you should keep as all or nothing. But there are plenty of other areas where you can lose the “all or nothing” mentality.
One big area that this affects is changes that you’d like to make in your life. A lot of people crash and burn because they try to make too many changes at once, or they make one change, but it’s radically different from their life as it was. Need to change your social life? Make one change until it sticks. Join one group? Go to one night out? Try one different place to go? Pick one thing and try it. If it’s good, keep it. If it’s not, get rid of it. It’s easier to figure out what isn’t working and what is when there’s only one difference you need to keep track of.
Need to change your diet? Go one dish at a time, one snack at a time, one food at a time. Need to change your job? Go in small changes – scout out the jab market and brush up on your resume. Increase your contacts within the field you choose. Do you want to change fields? Take one course, start reading one journal, attend one seminar. Make one change and stick with it.
If you feel like your entire life needs an overhaul, you still need to go slow. If you change your diet along with your job and your relationships, and suddenly you have headaches and you feel unsettled and unsure of yourself, how will you know what change is affecting you?
Very few people have a perfect life. Most people need or at least want some change. But you don’t have to make all of the changes at the same time. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You are allowed to change slowly and create the Future you want and need.
There are a few situations in which all or nothing makes sense. Drug use, for example, and other addictions where a single slip can start a dangerous cycle. Fidelity in a relationship, if that is something you agree upon (there are some who are in a polygamous relationship). Honesty, for some (though others will allow white lies and times of privacy to intrude on the honesty between two people). Allergies, especially the more lethal ones. But all or nothing doesn’t belong in a lot of areas of life.
Diets, for example. To tell yourself that you are never allowed to have a cookie or an ice cream cone is ridiculous. To tell yourself that because you had one cookie, you may as well have a dozen is also ridiculous. Moderation in your diet will work better both for your metabolism and your will power. If you get a cookie now and again, it won’t hold so much power over you.
Anything that you are trying to control in your life, make it easier on yourself, if you can. Don’t have “just one drink”, especially not with that cute guy from accounting that you “haven’t really” been flirting with. Those are a couple of areas that you should keep as all or nothing. But there are plenty of other areas where you can lose the “all or nothing” mentality.
One big area that this affects is changes that you’d like to make in your life. A lot of people crash and burn because they try to make too many changes at once, or they make one change, but it’s radically different from their life as it was. Need to change your social life? Make one change until it sticks. Join one group? Go to one night out? Try one different place to go? Pick one thing and try it. If it’s good, keep it. If it’s not, get rid of it. It’s easier to figure out what isn’t working and what is when there’s only one difference you need to keep track of.
Need to change your diet? Go one dish at a time, one snack at a time, one food at a time. Need to change your job? Go in small changes – scout out the jab market and brush up on your resume. Increase your contacts within the field you choose. Do you want to change fields? Take one course, start reading one journal, attend one seminar. Make one change and stick with it.
If you feel like your entire life needs an overhaul, you still need to go slow. If you change your diet along with your job and your relationships, and suddenly you have headaches and you feel unsettled and unsure of yourself, how will you know what change is affecting you?
Very few people have a perfect life. Most people need or at least want some change. But you don’t have to make all of the changes at the same time. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You are allowed to change slowly and create the Future you want and need.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Persistence
Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more commonplace than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent.
- Calvin Coolidge
You may have noticed that I do not post on a regular basis. I want to, and I mean to, but I don’t. Why? Because I do not persist in my posting. I allow things to distract me. I let myself use the excuse “I’m too tired” or “I don’t want to” or a variety of other things. But, like with all other worthy goals, regularly posting to my blog takes persistence. And sometimes, persistence lags.
Nothing gets accomplished if you don’t persist. The Future you want does not get created if you do not continue to do what needs to be done. If you quit part way through the process, it doesn’t get done. The Future you envisioned doesn’t come to pass. You must persist in what you want.
Sometimes, this may take years. There are times when the next step has to take a back seat to more pressing concerns. Sometimes, you can do only bits and pieces for a long period of time. For example, if you are caring for children or parents, their needs cannot be put on hold – but neither can yours! Remember that – take care of yourself so you do not become bitter towards their needs. You may have only a few minutes here and there each day (if that!) to work on your Future, to persist towards your goal. But if you don’t persist, if you allow those minutes to waste away, then your Future not only will be a long time coming – it’ll never arrive. This is not to say that you must spend all of your time working – first for those dependent on you and then on your Future. Part of your Future should be (in my opinion – you’re entitled to disagree – it’s YOUR Future) you, healthy and relaxed as often as possible. Which means that you should take time to relax, recharge your batteries, catch a breath. Just remember what I said earlier about junk food for the soul. When you relax, actually relax. If you’re going to fill your soul with some kind of activity, make it about relaxing rather than your Future. Make it about your Future rather than about junk food. If you’re already relaxed and have taken care of yourself, work on your Future. Persist in it. Give it a couple of minutes each day, or at least a thought if you don’t have a couple of minutes. Not a guilt-ridden thought about how you “should” or “ought to”, but a reminder, both to yourself and to your Future. “I haven’t forgotten. I just don’t have time right now.”
The only way to write a book is to persist in putting words on paper (or at least virtual paper on word processing software). The only way to build muscles is to exercise them a little or a lot over a period of time, consistently. The only way to lose weight is to not eat the extra calories every day, or at least more often than you used to (you are wonderful, and you do deserve cake and/or ice cream every once in a while!). You have to persist in what you want. Or you will get what you persist in.
Your Future can be created. You can give birth to a wondrous Future. Don’t lose hope. Persist.
Talent will not; nothing is more commonplace than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent.
- Calvin Coolidge
You may have noticed that I do not post on a regular basis. I want to, and I mean to, but I don’t. Why? Because I do not persist in my posting. I allow things to distract me. I let myself use the excuse “I’m too tired” or “I don’t want to” or a variety of other things. But, like with all other worthy goals, regularly posting to my blog takes persistence. And sometimes, persistence lags.
Nothing gets accomplished if you don’t persist. The Future you want does not get created if you do not continue to do what needs to be done. If you quit part way through the process, it doesn’t get done. The Future you envisioned doesn’t come to pass. You must persist in what you want.
Sometimes, this may take years. There are times when the next step has to take a back seat to more pressing concerns. Sometimes, you can do only bits and pieces for a long period of time. For example, if you are caring for children or parents, their needs cannot be put on hold – but neither can yours! Remember that – take care of yourself so you do not become bitter towards their needs. You may have only a few minutes here and there each day (if that!) to work on your Future, to persist towards your goal. But if you don’t persist, if you allow those minutes to waste away, then your Future not only will be a long time coming – it’ll never arrive. This is not to say that you must spend all of your time working – first for those dependent on you and then on your Future. Part of your Future should be (in my opinion – you’re entitled to disagree – it’s YOUR Future) you, healthy and relaxed as often as possible. Which means that you should take time to relax, recharge your batteries, catch a breath. Just remember what I said earlier about junk food for the soul. When you relax, actually relax. If you’re going to fill your soul with some kind of activity, make it about relaxing rather than your Future. Make it about your Future rather than about junk food. If you’re already relaxed and have taken care of yourself, work on your Future. Persist in it. Give it a couple of minutes each day, or at least a thought if you don’t have a couple of minutes. Not a guilt-ridden thought about how you “should” or “ought to”, but a reminder, both to yourself and to your Future. “I haven’t forgotten. I just don’t have time right now.”
The only way to write a book is to persist in putting words on paper (or at least virtual paper on word processing software). The only way to build muscles is to exercise them a little or a lot over a period of time, consistently. The only way to lose weight is to not eat the extra calories every day, or at least more often than you used to (you are wonderful, and you do deserve cake and/or ice cream every once in a while!). You have to persist in what you want. Or you will get what you persist in.
Your Future can be created. You can give birth to a wondrous Future. Don’t lose hope. Persist.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Routines
Routines mask disaster. You think if you’re getting up in the morning, putting on clean clothes, going to work, eating from time to time, and watching some telly that everything’s under control. – Marian Keyes
Routines are a good way to mask reality. When you are busy with the minutia of life, it’s easy to miss the big stuff. If time slips by you, and just about every night you think to yourself, “It’s that time already?”, then perhaps you are a victim of routines. There are two ways to get yourself out of control of routines in order to help you see reality and base your Future upon it. First, you stop all routines. Second, you make new routines.
You may not think that you have a routine, but you probably do. Do you go to bed the same time every night? Or every work night? You know what a work night is. It’s like a school night, only instead you have work in the morning. You may be thinking, “I try to go to bed by 9 every night, but I never do. Of course I don’t have a routine.” Nope, sorry, but that excuse just isn’t going to cut it this time. You don’t think you have a routine because you aren’t following the routine that you have planned, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing things the same way over and over again. How often do you get take out or delivery because you come home exhausted after work, or you just forgot to defrost something? Not making dinner could be a routine for you. Yes, not doing something can be a routine. Not making that phone call, not getting to bed “on time” (who’s time? What time is it that you’re not getting to bed on?), not eating breakfast because you overslept your alarm. Oversleeping your alarm can be a routine as well.
What do you do about it? First, you can shake up your routines by abandoning them. This does not mean go out and do whatever you like. The dog still needs to be fed, someone has to watch the kids, and you do need to go to work in the morning, so you really ought to get some sleep. But if you always watch TV on Wednesday nights, this Wednesday, don’t. If you usually miss your bus on the way home because you were doing one more thing at work, have it wait until the morning. If you buy canned peas because you believe they’re good for your family, but they say they’ll mutiny if they have canned peas one more time, make something else. Buy something else. There are other things that have nutrition, too. Play a board game in the middle of the week. Go out for a walk before bed time. Do your grocery shopping late at night. Get to work early. Move your alarm clock so that you can’t hit the snooze button any more. Change things up a bit and see what happens.
If your family worries for your mental health, tell them you’re trying a two week (or however long) experiment, and that they can just bear with you for a little while. The laundry will still get done, people will still get to soccer practice, and the groceries will still be bought. Things are just going to happen a little differently for a while.
You may find that you notice different things. Because you aren’t busy with whatever at the usual time, you may see things with new eyes.
The second way to get out from under your routines is to make new ones. Sounds silly, I know, but some of us don’t work so well without routines. Things keep getting done “tomorrow”, but tomorrow never comes. With routines, you choose when those things get done. The trick is to choose your routines, not just let them happen to you. Not making dinner is a routine that a good number of people have. Most of them don’t choose, though. They think it just happens. No, it doesn’t just happen. It’s their routine, even if they didn’t choose it. Choose your routines, the ways that get things done in your time. By choosing your routines, you not only choose the timing of the things you do, but the things you do. Being late is something that you do, not something that happens to you (most of the time). Morning commuting traffic is the same most every morning, so if you’re late every morning “because of traffic”, the truth is that you’re late because you refuse to face the fact that traffic is that bad in the morning and you’re just going to have to leave a little earlier. If you choose to face this fact and choose to leave a little earlier, being late is a routine that you destroy.
Go easy, and add a little bit to your routine at a time. Getting a good night’s sleep is a good place to start. If you hit the snooze button all the time, change your alarm to the later time you really get up. That way you won’t be woken up every ten minutes during the last bit of sleep and can get more rest. If there is something that you always forget in the mornings, take care of it in the evenings, so you don’t have to worry about it as you go to sleep. If there’s a chore or a task that you typically do just before going to bed and it always delays you, do it earlier. If you can’t do it earlier, do the rest of the evening earlier and move up your “just before going to bed” time. There are many things you can do to change how well you sleep, when you go to bed, and when you get up. But do it slowly, and don’t worry if you backslide now and again. It happens. Just pick yourself up and do it again. Fail better, as a previous post said.
If your new routines don’t work out for you or if your life changes in such a way that they become strangling rather than freeing, change them. You are entitled to change your life in the way that makes it easier for you to live, provided you hurt no one else.
Don’t let your life become routine. People controlled by routines, especially ones they don’t even know they have, do not Create the Future. They let it happen to them. Be a Creator.
Routines are a good way to mask reality. When you are busy with the minutia of life, it’s easy to miss the big stuff. If time slips by you, and just about every night you think to yourself, “It’s that time already?”, then perhaps you are a victim of routines. There are two ways to get yourself out of control of routines in order to help you see reality and base your Future upon it. First, you stop all routines. Second, you make new routines.
You may not think that you have a routine, but you probably do. Do you go to bed the same time every night? Or every work night? You know what a work night is. It’s like a school night, only instead you have work in the morning. You may be thinking, “I try to go to bed by 9 every night, but I never do. Of course I don’t have a routine.” Nope, sorry, but that excuse just isn’t going to cut it this time. You don’t think you have a routine because you aren’t following the routine that you have planned, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing things the same way over and over again. How often do you get take out or delivery because you come home exhausted after work, or you just forgot to defrost something? Not making dinner could be a routine for you. Yes, not doing something can be a routine. Not making that phone call, not getting to bed “on time” (who’s time? What time is it that you’re not getting to bed on?), not eating breakfast because you overslept your alarm. Oversleeping your alarm can be a routine as well.
What do you do about it? First, you can shake up your routines by abandoning them. This does not mean go out and do whatever you like. The dog still needs to be fed, someone has to watch the kids, and you do need to go to work in the morning, so you really ought to get some sleep. But if you always watch TV on Wednesday nights, this Wednesday, don’t. If you usually miss your bus on the way home because you were doing one more thing at work, have it wait until the morning. If you buy canned peas because you believe they’re good for your family, but they say they’ll mutiny if they have canned peas one more time, make something else. Buy something else. There are other things that have nutrition, too. Play a board game in the middle of the week. Go out for a walk before bed time. Do your grocery shopping late at night. Get to work early. Move your alarm clock so that you can’t hit the snooze button any more. Change things up a bit and see what happens.
If your family worries for your mental health, tell them you’re trying a two week (or however long) experiment, and that they can just bear with you for a little while. The laundry will still get done, people will still get to soccer practice, and the groceries will still be bought. Things are just going to happen a little differently for a while.
You may find that you notice different things. Because you aren’t busy with whatever at the usual time, you may see things with new eyes.
The second way to get out from under your routines is to make new ones. Sounds silly, I know, but some of us don’t work so well without routines. Things keep getting done “tomorrow”, but tomorrow never comes. With routines, you choose when those things get done. The trick is to choose your routines, not just let them happen to you. Not making dinner is a routine that a good number of people have. Most of them don’t choose, though. They think it just happens. No, it doesn’t just happen. It’s their routine, even if they didn’t choose it. Choose your routines, the ways that get things done in your time. By choosing your routines, you not only choose the timing of the things you do, but the things you do. Being late is something that you do, not something that happens to you (most of the time). Morning commuting traffic is the same most every morning, so if you’re late every morning “because of traffic”, the truth is that you’re late because you refuse to face the fact that traffic is that bad in the morning and you’re just going to have to leave a little earlier. If you choose to face this fact and choose to leave a little earlier, being late is a routine that you destroy.
Go easy, and add a little bit to your routine at a time. Getting a good night’s sleep is a good place to start. If you hit the snooze button all the time, change your alarm to the later time you really get up. That way you won’t be woken up every ten minutes during the last bit of sleep and can get more rest. If there is something that you always forget in the mornings, take care of it in the evenings, so you don’t have to worry about it as you go to sleep. If there’s a chore or a task that you typically do just before going to bed and it always delays you, do it earlier. If you can’t do it earlier, do the rest of the evening earlier and move up your “just before going to bed” time. There are many things you can do to change how well you sleep, when you go to bed, and when you get up. But do it slowly, and don’t worry if you backslide now and again. It happens. Just pick yourself up and do it again. Fail better, as a previous post said.
If your new routines don’t work out for you or if your life changes in such a way that they become strangling rather than freeing, change them. You are entitled to change your life in the way that makes it easier for you to live, provided you hurt no one else.
Don’t let your life become routine. People controlled by routines, especially ones they don’t even know they have, do not Create the Future. They let it happen to them. Be a Creator.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Listen to your body, see reality
When you were a kid, you had to learn how to walk. You had to learn how it felt to balance your weight on two feet in order to stand and then how to balance your weight on just one foot as you took a step. You had to be very aware of your body and what you were doing in order to learn this. Similarly, you had to learn how to use the toilet rather than a diaper, which involved listening to your body in a whole different way. When I had surgery this past January, my abdominal muscles were cut, which altered the way my abdomen felt, including my bladder. I had to relearn what it felt like to have a full bladder so I knew when to use the rest room. I had to relearn what it felt like to have an empty bladder so I knew when I was done. I had to listen to my body and become aware of it in a way I wasn’t used to before. This wasn’t the first time in my adult life that I had to learn something new about my body.
I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry.
My family rarely wanted for food. There was usually enough, more than enough, really, for had we eaten only when we were hungry, our refrigerator and pantry would have been more full than they were. We ate, often. We all repressed our emotions and ate in order to keep them down. We ate snacks between meals and after meals. We ate plenty at the meals, too. As soon as I was uncomfortable, I ate, whether that uncomfortable feeling was due to the emotional turmoil, actual hunger, or whatever else was going on in my life. When I was 6, I weighed 60 pounds, and I gained 10 pounds a year after that, until I was 16. I weighed 160 pounds, and I didn’t want to keep gaining weight like that. I would have weighed 200 when I was 20, 220 when I was 22, and I didn’t want my life to be like that. So, I had to eat less and increase my activity. I still gained weight, because I was still eating more than I needed. I was still eating even when I wasn’t hungry.
It wasn’t until I started to learn what it felt like to be hungry that I was able to take real control of my weight, though I admit that I am still learning. I still eat more than my hunger needs, though I am working on eating only when I am hungry.
What does your body tell you? Do you listen to it? Do you rest when you need to rest? Do you drink when you are thirsty? Do you eat what your body craves? Some (and I have been guilty of this often) will eat something sweet when they are craving salty, and keep eating, wondering why their craving won’t subside. Do you stretch and move your body to keep out the kinks and the stiffened joints? Listen to your body.
Is this another one of those “be the change you want to see in the world” things? Is this just another one of the “improve yourself first” things? No! This is vital. For you to create the Future, you must build upon the present. You cannot make changes in the future. It hasn’t happened yet. Everything you do must be done in the present. In order for it to be effective, in order for it to truly create the Future, it must be built upon reality. And to build upon reality, you must see reality.
Reality can be tough to see. You don’t want to see the cheating spouse, the extra thirty pounds, the abusive sibling, the dead end job. It’s so much nicer to make believe that these things are better than they are, or worse than they are so that you get sympathy and can concentrate on them instead of the rest of your life. But, to change the way things are into the way things can be, you must first see things the way they are. Your body is a good place to start.
Don’t believe me? Let’s say you have a friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. Just about every American has at least one friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. What does your friend do first? She weighs herself. Why? So she knows where she starts. It wouldn’t make sense to try to lose 20 pounds without knowing when “20 pounds less” is. In order to find out where your target, your goal, your Future is, you need to know where you are starting.
Do you want there to be less racism in the world? How will you accomplish that? How will you know what methods are effective? If you don’t know how much racism there is in the world currently, how will you know when you have less?
Do you want there to be more peace? Same questions. Do you want there to be more or less of anything? You need to know when you have accomplished your goal, and for that, you need a starting point. You need to know the present, the reality in your life, in order for you to make effective changes.
You can make changes without seeing reality. We’ve all had friends who have made the same mistakes over and over, thinking that they were doing something different. They date what is in truth the same person over and over, because the outer trappings are different. They go from one dead end job to another, thinking that because the situation is different that there is a real difference between this job and the previous one. They aren’t seeing reality. They’re seeing what they want to see. And they make changes to change what they see, but it doesn’t change reality.
See reality to create the Future. Listen to your body to see reality.
I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry.
My family rarely wanted for food. There was usually enough, more than enough, really, for had we eaten only when we were hungry, our refrigerator and pantry would have been more full than they were. We ate, often. We all repressed our emotions and ate in order to keep them down. We ate snacks between meals and after meals. We ate plenty at the meals, too. As soon as I was uncomfortable, I ate, whether that uncomfortable feeling was due to the emotional turmoil, actual hunger, or whatever else was going on in my life. When I was 6, I weighed 60 pounds, and I gained 10 pounds a year after that, until I was 16. I weighed 160 pounds, and I didn’t want to keep gaining weight like that. I would have weighed 200 when I was 20, 220 when I was 22, and I didn’t want my life to be like that. So, I had to eat less and increase my activity. I still gained weight, because I was still eating more than I needed. I was still eating even when I wasn’t hungry.
It wasn’t until I started to learn what it felt like to be hungry that I was able to take real control of my weight, though I admit that I am still learning. I still eat more than my hunger needs, though I am working on eating only when I am hungry.
What does your body tell you? Do you listen to it? Do you rest when you need to rest? Do you drink when you are thirsty? Do you eat what your body craves? Some (and I have been guilty of this often) will eat something sweet when they are craving salty, and keep eating, wondering why their craving won’t subside. Do you stretch and move your body to keep out the kinks and the stiffened joints? Listen to your body.
Is this another one of those “be the change you want to see in the world” things? Is this just another one of the “improve yourself first” things? No! This is vital. For you to create the Future, you must build upon the present. You cannot make changes in the future. It hasn’t happened yet. Everything you do must be done in the present. In order for it to be effective, in order for it to truly create the Future, it must be built upon reality. And to build upon reality, you must see reality.
Reality can be tough to see. You don’t want to see the cheating spouse, the extra thirty pounds, the abusive sibling, the dead end job. It’s so much nicer to make believe that these things are better than they are, or worse than they are so that you get sympathy and can concentrate on them instead of the rest of your life. But, to change the way things are into the way things can be, you must first see things the way they are. Your body is a good place to start.
Don’t believe me? Let’s say you have a friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. Just about every American has at least one friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. What does your friend do first? She weighs herself. Why? So she knows where she starts. It wouldn’t make sense to try to lose 20 pounds without knowing when “20 pounds less” is. In order to find out where your target, your goal, your Future is, you need to know where you are starting.
Do you want there to be less racism in the world? How will you accomplish that? How will you know what methods are effective? If you don’t know how much racism there is in the world currently, how will you know when you have less?
Do you want there to be more peace? Same questions. Do you want there to be more or less of anything? You need to know when you have accomplished your goal, and for that, you need a starting point. You need to know the present, the reality in your life, in order for you to make effective changes.
You can make changes without seeing reality. We’ve all had friends who have made the same mistakes over and over, thinking that they were doing something different. They date what is in truth the same person over and over, because the outer trappings are different. They go from one dead end job to another, thinking that because the situation is different that there is a real difference between this job and the previous one. They aren’t seeing reality. They’re seeing what they want to see. And they make changes to change what they see, but it doesn’t change reality.
See reality to create the Future. Listen to your body to see reality.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Faith and your comfort zone
When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things: There will be earth to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly. – Unknown
Eventually, you will reach the end of your comfort zone. You will try something new or be about to try something new, and perhaps you’ll want to draw back, to retreat back into the known. But if you want the Future to be different from the present, you can’t do that. Mother Theresa is the only person I know who managed to do a whole lot of good by doing the same thing over and over again. Ghandi had to change what he did and even what country he worked in. Martin Luther King, Jr., had speeches and marches and television appearances and many other things that he did. And for both of these men, there was a first time for these things. Even for Mother Theresa, there was a first beggar, a first clinic, a first leper. If these people had not done these first-time things, the world would be a worse place.
You may be afraid that you won’t be successful in what you want to do. That thought has kept me from so many different experiences and possibilities that it makes me very sad if I think about it too long. Instead, I use those thoughts and memories to inspire me to try new things now. I don’t bother with “if only”, but I do my best not to add any more to my life. You may be afraid that you will be successful, and then people will expect more and more from you, and you’re not sure you can handle that. I’ve had that thought, too, and that still scares me, but I refuse to let it rule me any longer.
Your comfort zone is a nice place. It’s comfortable, hence the name. It’s predictable. You know how to react to whatever happens. You know how others will react to what you do. But your comfort zone is not always a safe place, nor is it always where you want to be. But getting beyond your comfort zone is not always easy.
When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, the family reacts, whether they realize it or not. Living with a drinking alcoholic was what they knew. They knew that when the alcoholic looked like this or said that, that they should respond in this particular way to manipulate the drunk or to avoid getting hit or to spark or avoid an argument. But, when the drinking alcoholic becomes a recovering alcoholic, that person’s reactions change. People don’t know what to do any more. Plus, now that the drinking is no longer the big problem in the house, other problems start jostling for the spot light, problems that were easily ignored before now. Living with a drinking alcoholic was not safe, was not healthy, was not pleasant, but it was what the family knew. It was their comfort zone, whether they knew it or not.
You may also have an unsafe or unhealthy or unpleasant comfort zone, or a portion of one. That one friend who always starts a fight when you go out to drink. The boss who always yells at you for any reason she can think of. The cheating spouse. The home town that has gotten too small for your dreams. You may have a pretty good life – except for that. But to change that would be to leave your comfort zone, and like with the alcoholic’s family, it may bring about unexpected results. The family all wanted the alcoholic to stop drinking, thinking that it would make everything better, but “everything better” required more work than they expected.
There is only one reason why you wouldn’t need to leave your comfort zone – you are already living your ideal life. You are already creating the Future you want by your current actions. There is no more for you to do other than continue on the paths you have already begun. Are you there? I’m not. I don’t know anyone who is. So what do you do?
You do the thing that scares you. You make the phone call, you leave the abuser, you quit the job, you take the class, you take the job in the other town. You do what you need to do to create the life you want, even though it isn’t something you’re afraid to do. You take the chance, you make the decision. You don’t put it off! As the band Rush says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” If you delay your decision, you are making the choice to stick with your comfort zone for now. That isn’t always a bad thing, but always doing it is a bad thing. Soar, create, be do. Live.
I can hear some of you saying, “But I wasn’t meant for that big a life?” Says who? And if you’re truly terrified by that big of a life, of being that great, then make yourself only a little greater. Change something small. Cultivate one new friend who supports you. Look into new jobs, even if you aren’t going to go on interviews yet. Brush up your resume. Dust off that old novel. Go to the museum once. Plan a trip to the Bahamas, even if you don’t go yet. Take a little sip from the ocean of Possibilities. It takes a lot of sips to make a full gallon, but if you keep taking those sips, you will get where you want to go. Expand and stretch your comfort zone, and then breathe. Like your new comfort zone and refuse to allow it to retract and confine you again. Then expand it again. Do it slowly so you don’t frighten yourself or others who may wonder who you are and what you’ve done with who you were.
Or, perhaps you’re so confined and restricted that it’ll take a major effort to get you out of your comfort zone. Then you prepare the best you can and do it. Blow a hole in the wall that’s encircling you and step out into the Future. Breathe deep and watch the walls of your old prison crumble beneath your gaze. You are powerful and mighty. You can do it.
Comfort zones are good starting places, but don’t let it be your final resting place. Be.
Eventually, you will reach the end of your comfort zone. You will try something new or be about to try something new, and perhaps you’ll want to draw back, to retreat back into the known. But if you want the Future to be different from the present, you can’t do that. Mother Theresa is the only person I know who managed to do a whole lot of good by doing the same thing over and over again. Ghandi had to change what he did and even what country he worked in. Martin Luther King, Jr., had speeches and marches and television appearances and many other things that he did. And for both of these men, there was a first time for these things. Even for Mother Theresa, there was a first beggar, a first clinic, a first leper. If these people had not done these first-time things, the world would be a worse place.
You may be afraid that you won’t be successful in what you want to do. That thought has kept me from so many different experiences and possibilities that it makes me very sad if I think about it too long. Instead, I use those thoughts and memories to inspire me to try new things now. I don’t bother with “if only”, but I do my best not to add any more to my life. You may be afraid that you will be successful, and then people will expect more and more from you, and you’re not sure you can handle that. I’ve had that thought, too, and that still scares me, but I refuse to let it rule me any longer.
Your comfort zone is a nice place. It’s comfortable, hence the name. It’s predictable. You know how to react to whatever happens. You know how others will react to what you do. But your comfort zone is not always a safe place, nor is it always where you want to be. But getting beyond your comfort zone is not always easy.
When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, the family reacts, whether they realize it or not. Living with a drinking alcoholic was what they knew. They knew that when the alcoholic looked like this or said that, that they should respond in this particular way to manipulate the drunk or to avoid getting hit or to spark or avoid an argument. But, when the drinking alcoholic becomes a recovering alcoholic, that person’s reactions change. People don’t know what to do any more. Plus, now that the drinking is no longer the big problem in the house, other problems start jostling for the spot light, problems that were easily ignored before now. Living with a drinking alcoholic was not safe, was not healthy, was not pleasant, but it was what the family knew. It was their comfort zone, whether they knew it or not.
You may also have an unsafe or unhealthy or unpleasant comfort zone, or a portion of one. That one friend who always starts a fight when you go out to drink. The boss who always yells at you for any reason she can think of. The cheating spouse. The home town that has gotten too small for your dreams. You may have a pretty good life – except for that. But to change that would be to leave your comfort zone, and like with the alcoholic’s family, it may bring about unexpected results. The family all wanted the alcoholic to stop drinking, thinking that it would make everything better, but “everything better” required more work than they expected.
There is only one reason why you wouldn’t need to leave your comfort zone – you are already living your ideal life. You are already creating the Future you want by your current actions. There is no more for you to do other than continue on the paths you have already begun. Are you there? I’m not. I don’t know anyone who is. So what do you do?
You do the thing that scares you. You make the phone call, you leave the abuser, you quit the job, you take the class, you take the job in the other town. You do what you need to do to create the life you want, even though it isn’t something you’re afraid to do. You take the chance, you make the decision. You don’t put it off! As the band Rush says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” If you delay your decision, you are making the choice to stick with your comfort zone for now. That isn’t always a bad thing, but always doing it is a bad thing. Soar, create, be do. Live.
I can hear some of you saying, “But I wasn’t meant for that big a life?” Says who? And if you’re truly terrified by that big of a life, of being that great, then make yourself only a little greater. Change something small. Cultivate one new friend who supports you. Look into new jobs, even if you aren’t going to go on interviews yet. Brush up your resume. Dust off that old novel. Go to the museum once. Plan a trip to the Bahamas, even if you don’t go yet. Take a little sip from the ocean of Possibilities. It takes a lot of sips to make a full gallon, but if you keep taking those sips, you will get where you want to go. Expand and stretch your comfort zone, and then breathe. Like your new comfort zone and refuse to allow it to retract and confine you again. Then expand it again. Do it slowly so you don’t frighten yourself or others who may wonder who you are and what you’ve done with who you were.
Or, perhaps you’re so confined and restricted that it’ll take a major effort to get you out of your comfort zone. Then you prepare the best you can and do it. Blow a hole in the wall that’s encircling you and step out into the Future. Breathe deep and watch the walls of your old prison crumble beneath your gaze. You are powerful and mighty. You can do it.
Comfort zones are good starting places, but don’t let it be your final resting place. Be.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Your family and you
Most people have families that are great. Most people have families that are lousy. This is because most people have families that are both great and lousy, either one after another or at the same time. A lucky few have families that are great all the time (though I am not completely certain of the existence of such, I have never met any). An unfortunate many have families that are lousy all of the time.
How can a family be both? Easily. I have a friend whose family will “circle the wagons” and attack anyone who dares attack one of their family members, whether this attack is physical, mental, financial, or some other means. This is how this family is great. However, when there are no external enemies to attack, the family will attack each other. This is how this family is lousy.
Your family is probably both lousy and great. When the lousy outweighs the great, however, you may have to sever or at least loosen your ties with them. Those of you who most need to hear this advice will right now want to shut your ears and click onto a different webpage. Loosen or sever ties with your family? You can’t. You won’t. It’s unheard of. I don’t know your family. Who am I to suggest such a thing? If you’ve thought (or even said out loud) any of the last five sentences, you need to keep reading, even if you don’t want to.
You know that bossy person in the previous post, the one who runs a charity through manipulation and guilt all under the pretense that it’s for the greater good? That person probably has a family that he or she treats the same way. And there are plenty of others who don’t have a charity as an outlet who unleash the full brunt of their manipulation and guilt onto their families. Are you past the age of 25 and your mother still tells you how long she was in labor with you? Are you expected to take care of your younger siblings, even though they are old enough to vote? Are you punished for being successful by being expected to share the wealth with other family members, no matter what they have or have not done to deserve it? Or perhaps the punishment is for having the audacity for being better at something than your parents were. Or perhaps for not living up to their unrealistic expectations? Or a combination of all of them? And there are plenty of other possibilities, too. Interference in your love life. Dropping over at all hours without calling first. Constantly bragging about one particular sibling. Reminding you that they’re getting older and need your support, even if you’re just starting out and they’re still richer than you are. Many, many other things, as well.
You need to loosen the ties with the people with a stranglehold on you, whether they are bosses, coworkers, charity drivers, or family. Yes, even family. Quite frankly, you don’t owe them anything. Unless they loaned you money that you haven’t yet repaid, you don’t owe them anything. Let’s run down some of the protests to that last statement.
“But they gave birth to me.” And? If they are using that against you, watch “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” with Sidney Poitier, and pay close attention to his speech to his father. They chose not to abort you, and they chose to keep you. They could have put you up for adoption or left you somewhere, but they didn’t. Now, before you claim that to be exactly your point, remember the word “chose”. It was their choice, and they lived with the consequences. Their choice, and you don’t owe them anything for making that choice. If they were unwilling to raise a child, they should not have kept you. If they raised you specifically so you would pay them back, they are manipulators and you should flee them immediately.
“But they adopted me.” Again, that was their choice, and you do not owe them for a choice they made freely.
“They sacrificed so much for me.” Again, their choice.
“They gave so much to me.” Again, their choice.
People may freely choose to give back to their parents out of love and gratitude. I have nothing against that and have done so myself. But if you’re doing it out of guilt and obligation, stop. You are not obligated, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t stepped in/given me the money/allowed me to move back home/etc.” If you want to give back to them, then do so. If they are constantly reminding you of it, expecting repayment, if they sabotage your efforts to become independent enough that you no longer need them, then they are manipulating you and using you. You don’t owe anything to manipulators. Nothing.
But once you decide that you need to loosen or sever the family ties, how do you do it? Perhaps you’ve tried before and failed. That has happened a lot, so don’t feel too bad about having done it yourself. Take things one step at a time, and you’ll do fine. If one step at a time doesn’t work, and you need to take drastic measures (which is needed in some cases), then do it. Here’s how.
First, if you live with your family, start saving up to move out. Do not give them this money, unless you owe them money. If you have to hide the fact that you have money from them, then you definitely need to move out. Hide the money if you have to. Get a bank account in a bank that doesn’t send out statements by mail, so they can’t go through your mail and find out how much money you have. There are banks that are completely on-line. If your family goes through your e-mail, too, get a separate e-mail account (Yahoo, G-mail, or Hotmail all are free), and don’t tell them about it. Don’t access this e-mail account from your home, only public areas like the library and internet cafes. Save up until you have enough to pay first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a security deposit. Then get out fast.
Also, have a means of getting money, whether this be a job or social security or any other way, make certain that you have a way of keeping your new apartment once you move out.
If you don’t live with your family but they have a key to your place, ask for the key back. If you can’t do it, then change the locks. If you’re married, you’re going to have to agree with your spouse on this. It may be your in-laws that have the key, and if you change the locks, your spouse will just give them a new one. You need to talk to your spouse about it. If you can’t agree on this, then your marriage has more problems than just the in-laws, though they are a handy smoke screen to keep you from having to look at the deeper issue.
Screen your phone calls. Do not allow them over unannounced unless you really want to see them. If you are on the phone with them and they insist on talking about things that you don’t want to talk about, hang up. Make up some polite excuse if you have to (there’s someone at the door, my call waiting is beeping, the dog needs to be let out, something on the stove is burning), but don’t let them force you to listen to a topic you don’t want to discuss (ex-boyfriends, how well your sibling is doing, your lack of a love life, how nice it’d be if you’d visit more often, their love life, their success and how much better than you they are doing – whatever their favorite topic is).
When you get together and they try to force you to listen to more about what you don’t want to listen to, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until they get the point. And if they insist, if they ignore you, if they keep talking to each other about you as if you aren’t even there, then leave. Do not get trapped with them. Do not accept a ride over to your parents’ house or your siblings’ or the restaurant or wherever you’re meeting. And don’t offer a ride to someone, and don’t let them manipulate you into giving someone a ride. Be willing and able to walk out if they are unwilling to give you any respect.
If all else fails, cut them out of your life. Drastic, yes, but very necessary in some cases. For some, leaving the family means survival. For some, leaving the family means living. Survival is existence. Living is an existence that’s worth having. You deserve an existence worth having.
The lousy aspects of a family drain your energy and tire you out until you can’t create your Future. Cut out the lousy aspects, keep the great, and rejuvenate yourself and brighten your entire life.
How can a family be both? Easily. I have a friend whose family will “circle the wagons” and attack anyone who dares attack one of their family members, whether this attack is physical, mental, financial, or some other means. This is how this family is great. However, when there are no external enemies to attack, the family will attack each other. This is how this family is lousy.
Your family is probably both lousy and great. When the lousy outweighs the great, however, you may have to sever or at least loosen your ties with them. Those of you who most need to hear this advice will right now want to shut your ears and click onto a different webpage. Loosen or sever ties with your family? You can’t. You won’t. It’s unheard of. I don’t know your family. Who am I to suggest such a thing? If you’ve thought (or even said out loud) any of the last five sentences, you need to keep reading, even if you don’t want to.
You know that bossy person in the previous post, the one who runs a charity through manipulation and guilt all under the pretense that it’s for the greater good? That person probably has a family that he or she treats the same way. And there are plenty of others who don’t have a charity as an outlet who unleash the full brunt of their manipulation and guilt onto their families. Are you past the age of 25 and your mother still tells you how long she was in labor with you? Are you expected to take care of your younger siblings, even though they are old enough to vote? Are you punished for being successful by being expected to share the wealth with other family members, no matter what they have or have not done to deserve it? Or perhaps the punishment is for having the audacity for being better at something than your parents were. Or perhaps for not living up to their unrealistic expectations? Or a combination of all of them? And there are plenty of other possibilities, too. Interference in your love life. Dropping over at all hours without calling first. Constantly bragging about one particular sibling. Reminding you that they’re getting older and need your support, even if you’re just starting out and they’re still richer than you are. Many, many other things, as well.
You need to loosen the ties with the people with a stranglehold on you, whether they are bosses, coworkers, charity drivers, or family. Yes, even family. Quite frankly, you don’t owe them anything. Unless they loaned you money that you haven’t yet repaid, you don’t owe them anything. Let’s run down some of the protests to that last statement.
“But they gave birth to me.” And? If they are using that against you, watch “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” with Sidney Poitier, and pay close attention to his speech to his father. They chose not to abort you, and they chose to keep you. They could have put you up for adoption or left you somewhere, but they didn’t. Now, before you claim that to be exactly your point, remember the word “chose”. It was their choice, and they lived with the consequences. Their choice, and you don’t owe them anything for making that choice. If they were unwilling to raise a child, they should not have kept you. If they raised you specifically so you would pay them back, they are manipulators and you should flee them immediately.
“But they adopted me.” Again, that was their choice, and you do not owe them for a choice they made freely.
“They sacrificed so much for me.” Again, their choice.
“They gave so much to me.” Again, their choice.
People may freely choose to give back to their parents out of love and gratitude. I have nothing against that and have done so myself. But if you’re doing it out of guilt and obligation, stop. You are not obligated, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t stepped in/given me the money/allowed me to move back home/etc.” If you want to give back to them, then do so. If they are constantly reminding you of it, expecting repayment, if they sabotage your efforts to become independent enough that you no longer need them, then they are manipulating you and using you. You don’t owe anything to manipulators. Nothing.
But once you decide that you need to loosen or sever the family ties, how do you do it? Perhaps you’ve tried before and failed. That has happened a lot, so don’t feel too bad about having done it yourself. Take things one step at a time, and you’ll do fine. If one step at a time doesn’t work, and you need to take drastic measures (which is needed in some cases), then do it. Here’s how.
First, if you live with your family, start saving up to move out. Do not give them this money, unless you owe them money. If you have to hide the fact that you have money from them, then you definitely need to move out. Hide the money if you have to. Get a bank account in a bank that doesn’t send out statements by mail, so they can’t go through your mail and find out how much money you have. There are banks that are completely on-line. If your family goes through your e-mail, too, get a separate e-mail account (Yahoo, G-mail, or Hotmail all are free), and don’t tell them about it. Don’t access this e-mail account from your home, only public areas like the library and internet cafes. Save up until you have enough to pay first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a security deposit. Then get out fast.
Also, have a means of getting money, whether this be a job or social security or any other way, make certain that you have a way of keeping your new apartment once you move out.
If you don’t live with your family but they have a key to your place, ask for the key back. If you can’t do it, then change the locks. If you’re married, you’re going to have to agree with your spouse on this. It may be your in-laws that have the key, and if you change the locks, your spouse will just give them a new one. You need to talk to your spouse about it. If you can’t agree on this, then your marriage has more problems than just the in-laws, though they are a handy smoke screen to keep you from having to look at the deeper issue.
Screen your phone calls. Do not allow them over unannounced unless you really want to see them. If you are on the phone with them and they insist on talking about things that you don’t want to talk about, hang up. Make up some polite excuse if you have to (there’s someone at the door, my call waiting is beeping, the dog needs to be let out, something on the stove is burning), but don’t let them force you to listen to a topic you don’t want to discuss (ex-boyfriends, how well your sibling is doing, your lack of a love life, how nice it’d be if you’d visit more often, their love life, their success and how much better than you they are doing – whatever their favorite topic is).
When you get together and they try to force you to listen to more about what you don’t want to listen to, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until they get the point. And if they insist, if they ignore you, if they keep talking to each other about you as if you aren’t even there, then leave. Do not get trapped with them. Do not accept a ride over to your parents’ house or your siblings’ or the restaurant or wherever you’re meeting. And don’t offer a ride to someone, and don’t let them manipulate you into giving someone a ride. Be willing and able to walk out if they are unwilling to give you any respect.
If all else fails, cut them out of your life. Drastic, yes, but very necessary in some cases. For some, leaving the family means survival. For some, leaving the family means living. Survival is existence. Living is an existence that’s worth having. You deserve an existence worth having.
The lousy aspects of a family drain your energy and tire you out until you can’t create your Future. Cut out the lousy aspects, keep the great, and rejuvenate yourself and brighten your entire life.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Charity organizations and you
Volunteering at a charity is a wonderful thing, when you don’t overdo it. Unfortunately, there are some charities and volunteer coordinators who won’t say “that’s enough, you need a break”. You’ll have to do it yourself. And those people may even try to manipulate you into staying longer than you agreed to, longer than you can, on days you had other plans, and so on and so on. They’ll give you more and more to do until you say “enough”, and even then they might not listen.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all or even most charities or volunteer organizations. But it does apply to some. How can you tell? They ask you to stay longer or say that you have to because someone else cancelled. You’re their first and sometimes only call in a crisis. They give you very little notice about something they need. They expect you on certain days, even when you haven’t agreed to it. They demand to know what you’re doing with your time when you’re not there, so that they can judge whether or not that’s a “good enough” reason for you to not be working for them. They try to talk you out of your plans in order to do things for them. They yell at you, argue with you, call you insensitive to the needs of the people their helping, call you selfish. If they do any of these things, they are manipulating you. Guilting, cajoling, coercing, convincing, demanding, call it whatever you want. They are manipulating you. And you don’t have to stand for it.
Is the cause worthwhile? Yes. Does it need volunteers? Yes. Does that volunteer need to be you? NO. And that’s what you need to say to them – no. If they want to know what else you’re doing, don’t tell them. If they try to pressure you, leave or hang up. You don’t deserve this. It’ll be tough. Some of these manipulators are amazingly difficult to say no to. But you’re worth it. You and your Future are worth the time to yourself or doing other things.
If you’re caught in that trap, take a look at what’s going on. How are you being manipulated? If they’re calling you at the last minute, screen your phone calls. Get caller ID or an answering machine and don’t answer if it’s them. If when you get there they ask you to stay late, have someone else pick you up, and tell the charity coordinator that you can’t stay because your ride is here. Or stop going to the charity and just do things at special events or from afar. If they keep giving you things to do, say no. If you’ve said no in the past and they’ve ignored it, ignore their ignoring it. You’ve said no, and if they don’t want to believe it, that’s tough. It is their responsibility, not yours once you’ve said no. What if they walk away before you get a chance to say no? Or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. Leave it on the desk with a note saying “I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I can’t do this right now.” That’s all the explanation you need to give. Leave a message on their voicemail, too, and perhaps their e-mail, to make certain they get that note in time.
There are thousands of worthy causes out there, if not hundreds of thousands, and you cannot help them all. Worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot set boundaries with someone at that charity, leave. There are other worthy causes, other charities, other committees. Give your time to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you. There are even ways to volunteer vitually, for an organization tens or hundreds of miles away. Some of you are in small towns or small communities where all of the worthy causes are presided over by one or two very bossy people, and to give your time at all is to subject yourself to one of them. Don’t do it. While the causes are worthwhile, so are you.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. You need the time as well as the charity. You might not know why you are on this earth or what you are capable of if you gave it a shot. You may write the world’s most inspirational novel or raise the next Martin Luther King, Jr., or start a ripple effect of peace and harmony starting with you, your home, your neighborhood, and beyond. You need some time to find out what is your best purpose, the best way you can create the Future you want. You need to go where your heart and soul pull you, not where someone else pushes you.
Give of yourself, but don’t give away yourself, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably in the latter. You are meant for great things, to create a wondrous Future. Don’t give that away, no matter how good the cause.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all or even most charities or volunteer organizations. But it does apply to some. How can you tell? They ask you to stay longer or say that you have to because someone else cancelled. You’re their first and sometimes only call in a crisis. They give you very little notice about something they need. They expect you on certain days, even when you haven’t agreed to it. They demand to know what you’re doing with your time when you’re not there, so that they can judge whether or not that’s a “good enough” reason for you to not be working for them. They try to talk you out of your plans in order to do things for them. They yell at you, argue with you, call you insensitive to the needs of the people their helping, call you selfish. If they do any of these things, they are manipulating you. Guilting, cajoling, coercing, convincing, demanding, call it whatever you want. They are manipulating you. And you don’t have to stand for it.
Is the cause worthwhile? Yes. Does it need volunteers? Yes. Does that volunteer need to be you? NO. And that’s what you need to say to them – no. If they want to know what else you’re doing, don’t tell them. If they try to pressure you, leave or hang up. You don’t deserve this. It’ll be tough. Some of these manipulators are amazingly difficult to say no to. But you’re worth it. You and your Future are worth the time to yourself or doing other things.
If you’re caught in that trap, take a look at what’s going on. How are you being manipulated? If they’re calling you at the last minute, screen your phone calls. Get caller ID or an answering machine and don’t answer if it’s them. If when you get there they ask you to stay late, have someone else pick you up, and tell the charity coordinator that you can’t stay because your ride is here. Or stop going to the charity and just do things at special events or from afar. If they keep giving you things to do, say no. If you’ve said no in the past and they’ve ignored it, ignore their ignoring it. You’ve said no, and if they don’t want to believe it, that’s tough. It is their responsibility, not yours once you’ve said no. What if they walk away before you get a chance to say no? Or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. Leave it on the desk with a note saying “I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I can’t do this right now.” That’s all the explanation you need to give. Leave a message on their voicemail, too, and perhaps their e-mail, to make certain they get that note in time.
There are thousands of worthy causes out there, if not hundreds of thousands, and you cannot help them all. Worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot set boundaries with someone at that charity, leave. There are other worthy causes, other charities, other committees. Give your time to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you. There are even ways to volunteer vitually, for an organization tens or hundreds of miles away. Some of you are in small towns or small communities where all of the worthy causes are presided over by one or two very bossy people, and to give your time at all is to subject yourself to one of them. Don’t do it. While the causes are worthwhile, so are you.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. You need the time as well as the charity. You might not know why you are on this earth or what you are capable of if you gave it a shot. You may write the world’s most inspirational novel or raise the next Martin Luther King, Jr., or start a ripple effect of peace and harmony starting with you, your home, your neighborhood, and beyond. You need some time to find out what is your best purpose, the best way you can create the Future you want. You need to go where your heart and soul pull you, not where someone else pushes you.
Give of yourself, but don’t give away yourself, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably in the latter. You are meant for great things, to create a wondrous Future. Don’t give that away, no matter how good the cause.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Spiritual Rejuvenation
Because there are so many different religions and spiritual practices, spiritual rejuvenation is a difficult thing to generalize. So below are some suggestions. Take what works for you, ignore the rest.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Emotional Rejuvenation
I’ve been avoiding this post for a while. It’s a tough one for me to do. When I was a kid, my emotions got froze. I was allowed to be happy, but that was pretty much it. Sad was not allowed in our house, and only one person was allowed to be angry. The other emotions weren’t dealt with much at all. It’s taken a lot of work on my part to unfreeze myself, to allow myself to feel emotions without fear of retribution of vulnerability. Not that I wouldn’t be vulnerable, but not to fear that, to allow others in. So, talking about rejuvenating our emotions hits a sore spot for me. I still have a long way to go before I feel freely and allow myself to get hurt, because only by being that open can I allow myself to be loved and truly happy.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What do you do with a woman/man/child/person with cancer?
What do you do with a woman with cancer? I am a cancer survivor, and I am a woman. Those are not all that I am, though. I am many, many other things. I am a blogger, a novelist, a wife, a college graduate. I am also fortunate that most of the people I know don’t see me as a woman with cancer or a cancer survivor. They see me as me and that’s all, but not all women are as lucky. If you are one of those people who looks at a woman in your life and sees a cancer victim/survivor/patient first, then this is what you should do.
You love her. Someone once said – I don’t remember who, but obviously he was very wise – that love is a verb. That love is an action word and that you don’t just feel love but you act it out. And that is what you must do with this woman with cancer. You verb her.
You treat her in a loving way. You do loving things for her. You demonstrate your love for her through your words and actions. Another good verb – respect. Respect is also an attitude, but it is a verb first. You respect that woman. You treat her with respect; you hold a respectful attitude towards her. You verb her, and that verb is respect.
What other verbs do you do? You give. You laugh with her. You help her. You allow her to help you. You listen to her. You leave her alone when she wants to be alone. You be with her when she wants company. (You do not become a slave to her or her whims. You have a life, too, but when you are helping her, when you are giving to her, this is what you do.) You go shopping with her. You plan for the future together. If she is willing and you are willing, you have sex with her and all the wonderful verbs that go along with it. You anticipate, enjoy, swim, and most importantly live with her.
You do not put her in her grave before she is ready. You do not treat her like a delicate porcelain doll that must be put on a shelf and not touched. You do not treat her like she’s in the hospital with an IV and oxygen tube, not on her good days when she’s walking down the street with a bounce in her step and a twinkle in her eye. Save those “treat her like an invalid” days for when she really is one.
Instead, you verb her. You verb her and verb her and verb her some more. And the most important of those verbs is LIVE. You live with her, and you let her live, too. As a woman, not just as a host for cancer.
What do you do with a man with cancer? Same thing. What do you do with a child with cancer? Same thing (minus the sex). What do you do with a person with cancer? Same thing. Love, respect, live, verb.
You love her. Someone once said – I don’t remember who, but obviously he was very wise – that love is a verb. That love is an action word and that you don’t just feel love but you act it out. And that is what you must do with this woman with cancer. You verb her.
You treat her in a loving way. You do loving things for her. You demonstrate your love for her through your words and actions. Another good verb – respect. Respect is also an attitude, but it is a verb first. You respect that woman. You treat her with respect; you hold a respectful attitude towards her. You verb her, and that verb is respect.
What other verbs do you do? You give. You laugh with her. You help her. You allow her to help you. You listen to her. You leave her alone when she wants to be alone. You be with her when she wants company. (You do not become a slave to her or her whims. You have a life, too, but when you are helping her, when you are giving to her, this is what you do.) You go shopping with her. You plan for the future together. If she is willing and you are willing, you have sex with her and all the wonderful verbs that go along with it. You anticipate, enjoy, swim, and most importantly live with her.
You do not put her in her grave before she is ready. You do not treat her like a delicate porcelain doll that must be put on a shelf and not touched. You do not treat her like she’s in the hospital with an IV and oxygen tube, not on her good days when she’s walking down the street with a bounce in her step and a twinkle in her eye. Save those “treat her like an invalid” days for when she really is one.
Instead, you verb her. You verb her and verb her and verb her some more. And the most important of those verbs is LIVE. You live with her, and you let her live, too. As a woman, not just as a host for cancer.
What do you do with a man with cancer? Same thing. What do you do with a child with cancer? Same thing (minus the sex). What do you do with a person with cancer? Same thing. Love, respect, live, verb.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Living
“I believe in Dead and in Living. I don’t believe in Dying.” – Terri
I have paraphrased that quote. I’m not entirely certain if that is the exact wording, but it’s the jist of what she meant. Until you are dead, you are still alive. There is no in-between state “dying”. And if you are living as though you are “dying”, then you are doing a pretty poor job of living. For as long as you are still alive, there is still something for you to do or to be, because you don’t have to do all the time. Sometimes, you need to be without doing. Call it meditation, letting go, letting be, or simply enjoying the day on a lazy summer hammock, there is importance in being. So, even if you are confined to bed, can’t move your arms, get too tired to stand for more than a minute, you can still Live. You can still Be, which is an important part of Living.
When you are Dying, you are focusing not on your life but on your death. Well, there’s not a whole lot you can do about your death. You can do your best to prevent it in certain situations like fighting back against an attacker or driving carefully on a slick road or simply not drinking the poison beneath the kitchen sink. You can do your best to promote it in other situations like taking a gun and shooting your head or driving drunk during a blizzard or smoking when you’re on an oxygen tank. But in each of these situations, you have control only over part of your death, not all of it. There are no actions you can take or not take to guarantee that you will die or not die. If you fight back when someone is attacking you, you increase the odds that you will live, but never to 100%. If you shoot yourself in the head, you will increase the odds that you will die, but never to 100%. There are people who have been shot in the head and still lived. A good number ended up in a coma, but they lived. No matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally when and how you will Die. And no matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally how you will Live. But the choices you make will affect the odds.
Live and Die soon, but first Dying. When you are Dying, you are focusing on your impending Death more so than everyone else around you. They, too, will die, but that’s not the focus of their lives, hence they are not Dying. But you, you would rather pay attention to your Death than to your Life. Why? Why would you do this? Make the funeral arrangements, prepare a will, give away those things that you want others to have, and do whatever else that needs to be done, but then stop! Prepare, and then stop. You do not have to focus your entire Life, however much of it remains, on your Death. There is too much else to do. Too much Dying is whining and complaining. Yes, you hurt, but do you also love? Do you state, “I love you” as often as you state, “I hurt so much”? Or are your words focused on the pain you have? Do you focus on what you won’t get to do rather than reminisce about what you have done? Do you lament and cry about how you won’t see certain people any more rather than enjoy them while they are still there? If you don’t enjoy them when they visit you, then why complain about not being able to see them again? You’re like the miser who buried his gold in the garden and went out every night to look at it. Thieves took it, and he cried and lamented, but a wise man passing by said, “Take a rock and bury it there. It will do you as much good as the gold did.” What he meant was use what time, energy, and resources you have rather than hoarding them or squandering them. If you don’t use your time to Live, then what’s the point? Why are you Dying, when there is still Life to be had?
Death is a mystery because we don’t know what’s on the other side. There are those who have come back from being brain dead for a short period of time, and they have interesting stories, but were they truly at final Death? And what was beyond what they said, if anything? And what about the other people who were brain dead for a short period of time, also lived, and yet didn’t have a “near-death” experience? Or at least one they can remember? Perhaps the blankness that they have in their memories is what will happen to them when they die – oblivion. Not a cheery thought, eh? But there are very few people on this earth who are certain about what happens after they die. If you believe there will be a judgment, then conduct your life in such a way as it turns out how you want. Otherwise, there’s not a whole lot you can do about Death and what comes after it. Let’s move on to something that we can do and be something about.
Life and Living are about two things – doing and being. There’s a t-shirt saying about two philosophers and Frank Sinatra. One philosopher said, “To do is to be.” Another philosopher said, “To be is to do.” Frank Sinatra said, “Do be do be do.” In my opinion, Sinatra got it right, even if that isn’t what he meant. Sometimes we try to outrun the way things are, the way we feel, what we think by doing. We try to use physical action to overcome emotional or mental activity. We distract ourselves with doing. But the way things are, the way we feel, and the things we think don’t go away. To get them to go away, you must first face them and acknowledge them. You must think the thoughts and feel the emotions and face the reality of what is. You don’t have to obsess over them, but you don’t get to hide from them. It’s like a really dusty closet, and doing is the door. As long as you do, you keep the door closed, and you don’t have to face the closet. This does not get the closet cleaned, however, nor does it make the closet not exist. You have to open the door (by no longer doing) and clean out the closet (by feeling, thinking, facing). But, don’t obsess. Just give it a good dusting and sweep the floor. Don’t paint it and haul out the shelf paper and buy all new padded hangars or a new shelving unit. Clean out the closet and stop. Feel, think, face, and stop. Will you have to feel, think, face these same things again? Probably. I have regrets from eighth grade that still blindside me every once in a while (thus proving that it is a whole lot easier for me to write this than to follow my own advice, but believe me, I have been feeling/thinking/facing a whole lot more lately than in the previous portion of my life, and things are working a whole lot better now). Your closet will get dusty again (as will mine). At that point, feel, think, and face. Don’t distract. And then move on. Go back to what you were doing before or something else if you have a different preference. Be fully with what you feel, think, and are, and let it be.
Being, however, does not encompass the entirety of life. There are things that need to be done. Sometimes, there are parts of your reality that you want to or need to change. First, be enough to face the portion of reality that you don’t like. Then, do enough to alter the reality into what you want it to be. Sometimes, what you want isn’t what’s best for you, and once you’ve done your way into a new reality, you may have to face it that you’ll need to figure out something else to do. In that case, try being with your reality and your wants and needs for a little longer than you were the previous time and see what truly appeals to you. This works with mundane things, too. You can accept the reality that your spouse or children did not do the dishes, but until you do something about that reality, the dishes won’t get done. Be, so you can see what needs to be done, then do to create a reality you truly want. In this way, you can give birth to a Future that is of your conscious choice, that truly reflects you.
I have paraphrased that quote. I’m not entirely certain if that is the exact wording, but it’s the jist of what she meant. Until you are dead, you are still alive. There is no in-between state “dying”. And if you are living as though you are “dying”, then you are doing a pretty poor job of living. For as long as you are still alive, there is still something for you to do or to be, because you don’t have to do all the time. Sometimes, you need to be without doing. Call it meditation, letting go, letting be, or simply enjoying the day on a lazy summer hammock, there is importance in being. So, even if you are confined to bed, can’t move your arms, get too tired to stand for more than a minute, you can still Live. You can still Be, which is an important part of Living.
When you are Dying, you are focusing not on your life but on your death. Well, there’s not a whole lot you can do about your death. You can do your best to prevent it in certain situations like fighting back against an attacker or driving carefully on a slick road or simply not drinking the poison beneath the kitchen sink. You can do your best to promote it in other situations like taking a gun and shooting your head or driving drunk during a blizzard or smoking when you’re on an oxygen tank. But in each of these situations, you have control only over part of your death, not all of it. There are no actions you can take or not take to guarantee that you will die or not die. If you fight back when someone is attacking you, you increase the odds that you will live, but never to 100%. If you shoot yourself in the head, you will increase the odds that you will die, but never to 100%. There are people who have been shot in the head and still lived. A good number ended up in a coma, but they lived. No matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally when and how you will Die. And no matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally how you will Live. But the choices you make will affect the odds.
Live and Die soon, but first Dying. When you are Dying, you are focusing on your impending Death more so than everyone else around you. They, too, will die, but that’s not the focus of their lives, hence they are not Dying. But you, you would rather pay attention to your Death than to your Life. Why? Why would you do this? Make the funeral arrangements, prepare a will, give away those things that you want others to have, and do whatever else that needs to be done, but then stop! Prepare, and then stop. You do not have to focus your entire Life, however much of it remains, on your Death. There is too much else to do. Too much Dying is whining and complaining. Yes, you hurt, but do you also love? Do you state, “I love you” as often as you state, “I hurt so much”? Or are your words focused on the pain you have? Do you focus on what you won’t get to do rather than reminisce about what you have done? Do you lament and cry about how you won’t see certain people any more rather than enjoy them while they are still there? If you don’t enjoy them when they visit you, then why complain about not being able to see them again? You’re like the miser who buried his gold in the garden and went out every night to look at it. Thieves took it, and he cried and lamented, but a wise man passing by said, “Take a rock and bury it there. It will do you as much good as the gold did.” What he meant was use what time, energy, and resources you have rather than hoarding them or squandering them. If you don’t use your time to Live, then what’s the point? Why are you Dying, when there is still Life to be had?
Death is a mystery because we don’t know what’s on the other side. There are those who have come back from being brain dead for a short period of time, and they have interesting stories, but were they truly at final Death? And what was beyond what they said, if anything? And what about the other people who were brain dead for a short period of time, also lived, and yet didn’t have a “near-death” experience? Or at least one they can remember? Perhaps the blankness that they have in their memories is what will happen to them when they die – oblivion. Not a cheery thought, eh? But there are very few people on this earth who are certain about what happens after they die. If you believe there will be a judgment, then conduct your life in such a way as it turns out how you want. Otherwise, there’s not a whole lot you can do about Death and what comes after it. Let’s move on to something that we can do and be something about.
Life and Living are about two things – doing and being. There’s a t-shirt saying about two philosophers and Frank Sinatra. One philosopher said, “To do is to be.” Another philosopher said, “To be is to do.” Frank Sinatra said, “Do be do be do.” In my opinion, Sinatra got it right, even if that isn’t what he meant. Sometimes we try to outrun the way things are, the way we feel, what we think by doing. We try to use physical action to overcome emotional or mental activity. We distract ourselves with doing. But the way things are, the way we feel, and the things we think don’t go away. To get them to go away, you must first face them and acknowledge them. You must think the thoughts and feel the emotions and face the reality of what is. You don’t have to obsess over them, but you don’t get to hide from them. It’s like a really dusty closet, and doing is the door. As long as you do, you keep the door closed, and you don’t have to face the closet. This does not get the closet cleaned, however, nor does it make the closet not exist. You have to open the door (by no longer doing) and clean out the closet (by feeling, thinking, facing). But, don’t obsess. Just give it a good dusting and sweep the floor. Don’t paint it and haul out the shelf paper and buy all new padded hangars or a new shelving unit. Clean out the closet and stop. Feel, think, face, and stop. Will you have to feel, think, face these same things again? Probably. I have regrets from eighth grade that still blindside me every once in a while (thus proving that it is a whole lot easier for me to write this than to follow my own advice, but believe me, I have been feeling/thinking/facing a whole lot more lately than in the previous portion of my life, and things are working a whole lot better now). Your closet will get dusty again (as will mine). At that point, feel, think, and face. Don’t distract. And then move on. Go back to what you were doing before or something else if you have a different preference. Be fully with what you feel, think, and are, and let it be.
Being, however, does not encompass the entirety of life. There are things that need to be done. Sometimes, there are parts of your reality that you want to or need to change. First, be enough to face the portion of reality that you don’t like. Then, do enough to alter the reality into what you want it to be. Sometimes, what you want isn’t what’s best for you, and once you’ve done your way into a new reality, you may have to face it that you’ll need to figure out something else to do. In that case, try being with your reality and your wants and needs for a little longer than you were the previous time and see what truly appeals to you. This works with mundane things, too. You can accept the reality that your spouse or children did not do the dishes, but until you do something about that reality, the dishes won’t get done. Be, so you can see what needs to be done, then do to create a reality you truly want. In this way, you can give birth to a Future that is of your conscious choice, that truly reflects you.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Mental Rejuvenation
What do you do about mental exhaustion? How do you stop thinking? You’d think that watching some mindless TV would work, but people often end up even more tired after a few hours. Reading? Maybe, but reading the newspaper can increase mental activity, and reading fiction can sidetrack your mental abilities like TV does. It’s really a personal thing.
What you need to do is see what isn’t working for you. If you’re mentally exhausted, then what you’re currently doing is not working. There’s no point in saying “Look at what is working for you”, because if something was working for you, then you wouldn’t be mentally exhausted. So you have to take the back road to it.
What isn’t working? Do you currently spend your evenings watching TV, trying to unwind? Are you still mentally tired? Then watching TV all night doesn’t work for you, and you should do something else. But what?
Here are some things to try. Give each of them a decent try – a week at least. Remember, you have to overcome your previous exhaustion. It isn’t just going to go away as soon as you find something that works. It’ll take a little time. It’s like exercising. You don’t get six-pack abs or a finely sculpted calf after the first exercise session. It takes a little time. So, give each of those things a try. If they work for you, great. If not, try something else.
Watch TV. Be careful what you watch. News or dramas may depress you. Comedies could leave you feeling empty, like cotton candy for lunch. Sports could excite you after an already exciting day. If one doesn’t work, try something else.
Listen to music. Again, be careful what you choose. A lot of music is designed in order to evoke a mood or thought in you, and if you choose incorrectly, the wrong mood or thought could upset your attempts at relaxation.
Read. Again, take care what you read. Something too heavy could tax your mind. Something too light could not get your mind off its troubles.
Meditation.
Walking. Take your mind off everything with a walk, and not on a treadmill, but somewhere that the scenery changes, even if it is at a gym or the mall.
Puzzles or crafts or other hobbies that use your hands but not your mind, or at least not the part of your mind that you use for most of the day.
Creating, especially if your job is not at all creative.
If the main portion of your day is not creative, creativity may be what your mind needs at the end of your day. If the main portion of your day involves the creative portion of your mind, then relaxing that part may be exactly what you need.
You need to relax your mental muscles in order to get them up to full energy. For full energy, you need both times of stimulus and times of relaxation. Give them to yourself.
What you need to do is see what isn’t working for you. If you’re mentally exhausted, then what you’re currently doing is not working. There’s no point in saying “Look at what is working for you”, because if something was working for you, then you wouldn’t be mentally exhausted. So you have to take the back road to it.
What isn’t working? Do you currently spend your evenings watching TV, trying to unwind? Are you still mentally tired? Then watching TV all night doesn’t work for you, and you should do something else. But what?
Here are some things to try. Give each of them a decent try – a week at least. Remember, you have to overcome your previous exhaustion. It isn’t just going to go away as soon as you find something that works. It’ll take a little time. It’s like exercising. You don’t get six-pack abs or a finely sculpted calf after the first exercise session. It takes a little time. So, give each of those things a try. If they work for you, great. If not, try something else.
Watch TV. Be careful what you watch. News or dramas may depress you. Comedies could leave you feeling empty, like cotton candy for lunch. Sports could excite you after an already exciting day. If one doesn’t work, try something else.
Listen to music. Again, be careful what you choose. A lot of music is designed in order to evoke a mood or thought in you, and if you choose incorrectly, the wrong mood or thought could upset your attempts at relaxation.
Read. Again, take care what you read. Something too heavy could tax your mind. Something too light could not get your mind off its troubles.
Meditation.
Walking. Take your mind off everything with a walk, and not on a treadmill, but somewhere that the scenery changes, even if it is at a gym or the mall.
Puzzles or crafts or other hobbies that use your hands but not your mind, or at least not the part of your mind that you use for most of the day.
Creating, especially if your job is not at all creative.
If the main portion of your day is not creative, creativity may be what your mind needs at the end of your day. If the main portion of your day involves the creative portion of your mind, then relaxing that part may be exactly what you need.
You need to relax your mental muscles in order to get them up to full energy. For full energy, you need both times of stimulus and times of relaxation. Give them to yourself.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Physical Rejuvenation
Once you look at what is draining your energy, see how you can build your energy back up. It’s not unlike a boat with a hole in the bottom. Once you fix the hole (stop the energy drain), you can bail out the boat (get your energy levels up).
There are really 4 areas of life. The vast majority of life falls into these four categories. They are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Each of these can be an energy drain, and each of these can be an energy provider.
Physical
Do you get enough sleep? I don’t, but the reason I stay up the extra half hour is worth it to me emotionally and mentally. The reason I get up early is so that I can do what I want to do before my morning commute. I could possibly get another hour of sleep, if I didn’t exercise, eat breakfast, take care of my pets, or shower. Each of those things feeds me in some way, and I do not want to give them up for an extra bit of sleep – at least not most days. There are times that sleep becomes more important, at which point I choose what to eliminate or delay for that morning. Do you get enough sleep? Is what you’re staying up for worth the drain on your energy? Is what’s getting you up early worth the drain on your energy? If it’s a scheduled appointment or a regular meeting (even those with friends), can you reschedule it for a more convenient time? If you just can’t sleep at that time, can you shift the other end of your sleep to compensate? For example, if you just can’t get to bed before midnight, is there a way to adjust when you get up so that you get enough sleep?
There are other things that can affect your sleep. Even if you get eight hours worth of it, you may still not get quality sleep. Are there noises that bother you? Do you get up in the middle of the night? Does the morning sun keep waking you up earlier and earlier every spring? These things can be changed. Eliminate or deaden the noise or learn how to sleep wearing ear plugs. If you get up in the middle of the night, why? Is it to go to the bathroom? If so, stop drinking water or anything else at a set amount of time before you go to bed. If you need water to take pills or other medicine, of course do so, but cut down on the other times you drink. For me, that time is about an hour and a half. And of course, cut down on the caffeine in any form. It may be that you have a high tolerance for caffeine and thus it doesn’t affect you as much as most people, but even with a high tolerance, it can still affect your sleep without you realizing it. Also, you know or can observe after a time what kinds of foods affect your sleep. If you always have stomach problems that wake you up every time you eat a philly cheese steak, then don’t eat one for dinner. If you must have one, eat one for lunch so that it has time to digest more before you go to sleep. If the morning sun is waking you up, can you get curtains? Blinds? A folding screen to put in front of the window? A painting you can hang over the window? One person I know taped butcher paper over her windows to dull the light. You need your sleep. Take care of yourself.
What about what you eat? We’ve already talked about drinking and eating before bed, but what about overall? Alcohol is a depressant. It makes people seem funny because it depresses their inhibitions. Other people, it doesn’t bother with the inhibitions and goes straight to depressing them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes you forget about them for a while. The problems and the pain are still there when you sober up. Your energy would be better spent fixing those problems than delaying the pain. Find out what works for you, and alter what you do until it gives you the most energy. Eating nutritious food is important, too. We all know this. Sometimes, though, the nutrition-free snack just calls to us, especially when we’re depressed, bored, angry, etc. And like with alcohol, the problem is still there when we get off our sugar high or are done eating. They say that you should eat a certain amount of raw vegetables, with the skin on and uncut. Well, that’s very nice for them. I say, even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can do it better. If you don’t eat any fruit right now and you’re not about to start eating a whole apple at a sitting, then get some canned fruit in syrup. If that’s what it takes to get you to eat fruit at this time, then that’s what you should do. In time, change to light syrup, then perhaps to merely cut and skinned fruit, then onwards (maybe) in time to uncut fruit with the skin on. Or not. But if you eat fruit rather than something with no nutritional value – even fruit that has less nutrition than it’s raw counterpart – you’re eating something a little healthier. The same goes for other things. If you want to drink skim milk but are currently drinking whole, don’t jump immediately to skim. Change to 2%, then 1%, then go to skim, changing each time only after you’ve gotten used to the new milk. A friend of mine changed from regular soda to diet soda by going first to a glass of half of each to get himself used to the taste over time. You can do the same thing with whole-wheat bread, if you’re currently eating white. Change to wheat, first. Wheat bread isn’t much more nutritious than white, but it’s a change in taste. After you’ve gotten used to the taste, it’s not as large of a leap to whole-wheat, which is a lot more nutritious than white. You need to eat and drink things that give you energy – not temporary energy like sugar and caffeine, but real energy like complex carbohydrates and vitamins.
In addition to sleeping and eating, there are other things that can affect your physical energy level. Your body needs some exercise, though not too close to going to sleep. Even if you just get up and walk down the hall or stretch, if it’s more than before, then it’s a little bit better. You need to take care of yourself when you’re sick. If you can go to a doctor and need to, then do so. If you can’t go to a doctor, get a good book or a wise friend and find out what you can do to take care of yourself. Adjust your diet, get plenty of water, go easy on the physical activity if that’s what you need. Good hygiene will help with your physical health, as will keeping a clean environment.
Take care of yourself physically so that you can have enough energy to do what you need to birth the Future you want and deserve.
There are really 4 areas of life. The vast majority of life falls into these four categories. They are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Each of these can be an energy drain, and each of these can be an energy provider.
Physical
Do you get enough sleep? I don’t, but the reason I stay up the extra half hour is worth it to me emotionally and mentally. The reason I get up early is so that I can do what I want to do before my morning commute. I could possibly get another hour of sleep, if I didn’t exercise, eat breakfast, take care of my pets, or shower. Each of those things feeds me in some way, and I do not want to give them up for an extra bit of sleep – at least not most days. There are times that sleep becomes more important, at which point I choose what to eliminate or delay for that morning. Do you get enough sleep? Is what you’re staying up for worth the drain on your energy? Is what’s getting you up early worth the drain on your energy? If it’s a scheduled appointment or a regular meeting (even those with friends), can you reschedule it for a more convenient time? If you just can’t sleep at that time, can you shift the other end of your sleep to compensate? For example, if you just can’t get to bed before midnight, is there a way to adjust when you get up so that you get enough sleep?
There are other things that can affect your sleep. Even if you get eight hours worth of it, you may still not get quality sleep. Are there noises that bother you? Do you get up in the middle of the night? Does the morning sun keep waking you up earlier and earlier every spring? These things can be changed. Eliminate or deaden the noise or learn how to sleep wearing ear plugs. If you get up in the middle of the night, why? Is it to go to the bathroom? If so, stop drinking water or anything else at a set amount of time before you go to bed. If you need water to take pills or other medicine, of course do so, but cut down on the other times you drink. For me, that time is about an hour and a half. And of course, cut down on the caffeine in any form. It may be that you have a high tolerance for caffeine and thus it doesn’t affect you as much as most people, but even with a high tolerance, it can still affect your sleep without you realizing it. Also, you know or can observe after a time what kinds of foods affect your sleep. If you always have stomach problems that wake you up every time you eat a philly cheese steak, then don’t eat one for dinner. If you must have one, eat one for lunch so that it has time to digest more before you go to sleep. If the morning sun is waking you up, can you get curtains? Blinds? A folding screen to put in front of the window? A painting you can hang over the window? One person I know taped butcher paper over her windows to dull the light. You need your sleep. Take care of yourself.
What about what you eat? We’ve already talked about drinking and eating before bed, but what about overall? Alcohol is a depressant. It makes people seem funny because it depresses their inhibitions. Other people, it doesn’t bother with the inhibitions and goes straight to depressing them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes you forget about them for a while. The problems and the pain are still there when you sober up. Your energy would be better spent fixing those problems than delaying the pain. Find out what works for you, and alter what you do until it gives you the most energy. Eating nutritious food is important, too. We all know this. Sometimes, though, the nutrition-free snack just calls to us, especially when we’re depressed, bored, angry, etc. And like with alcohol, the problem is still there when we get off our sugar high or are done eating. They say that you should eat a certain amount of raw vegetables, with the skin on and uncut. Well, that’s very nice for them. I say, even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can do it better. If you don’t eat any fruit right now and you’re not about to start eating a whole apple at a sitting, then get some canned fruit in syrup. If that’s what it takes to get you to eat fruit at this time, then that’s what you should do. In time, change to light syrup, then perhaps to merely cut and skinned fruit, then onwards (maybe) in time to uncut fruit with the skin on. Or not. But if you eat fruit rather than something with no nutritional value – even fruit that has less nutrition than it’s raw counterpart – you’re eating something a little healthier. The same goes for other things. If you want to drink skim milk but are currently drinking whole, don’t jump immediately to skim. Change to 2%, then 1%, then go to skim, changing each time only after you’ve gotten used to the new milk. A friend of mine changed from regular soda to diet soda by going first to a glass of half of each to get himself used to the taste over time. You can do the same thing with whole-wheat bread, if you’re currently eating white. Change to wheat, first. Wheat bread isn’t much more nutritious than white, but it’s a change in taste. After you’ve gotten used to the taste, it’s not as large of a leap to whole-wheat, which is a lot more nutritious than white. You need to eat and drink things that give you energy – not temporary energy like sugar and caffeine, but real energy like complex carbohydrates and vitamins.
In addition to sleeping and eating, there are other things that can affect your physical energy level. Your body needs some exercise, though not too close to going to sleep. Even if you just get up and walk down the hall or stretch, if it’s more than before, then it’s a little bit better. You need to take care of yourself when you’re sick. If you can go to a doctor and need to, then do so. If you can’t go to a doctor, get a good book or a wise friend and find out what you can do to take care of yourself. Adjust your diet, get plenty of water, go easy on the physical activity if that’s what you need. Good hygiene will help with your physical health, as will keeping a clean environment.
Take care of yourself physically so that you can have enough energy to do what you need to birth the Future you want and deserve.
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