Change Can Be Scary

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. - Anatole France

We are constantly changing people, mostly. There are some people who have stubbornly insisted on remaining the same day after day, year after year. But most of us grow and change. We aren’t the same people we were a decade ago, and acknowledging that can be a scary thing. One of the worst accusations a friend can make is “You’re changed”. You may try to deny it, but it’s probably true, even without you thinking about it.

It’s the unconscious changes that are the scariest, in my opinion, once you realize them, that is. So long they remain unknown, then how can you be scared? But once you’ve woken up to the fact that your life and your actions are now what you would have expected from who you were “back then”, the change is scary. “How did this happen?” “When did this happen?” “Why did this happen?” Why? Because you weren’t changing intentionally, so you changed as life wanted to shape you.

You’re going to change. It’s inevitable. You can spend a ton of time and energy in never changing, and that’s you’re choice, but things will just change around you instead. The question is, are you going to direct your change, manage it, make certain that you come out on the other side where you want to be? Or are you just going to let the winds of fate take you?

The second choice isn’t so bad, so long as you have enough inner strength to withstand the bad times, but most people who resign themselves to fate do so because they lack the inner strength to bother taking control of their own lives. Either option can be taken to extremes, of course. But are you now where you want to be? And if not, what are you going to do about it?

What’s scarier to you – the effort of making a change where you don’t know the outcome, or the thought of you being exactly like you are 5 or 10 years from now? Change can be scary, but being out of control of yourself can be scarier still.

The Point

I would rather work with five people who really believe in what they are doing rather than five hundred who can't see the point. - Patrick Dixon in Building a Better Business

Ability, efficiency, and passion. Those three things can make something work. It’s tough to get by with only two of them, but of the three, passion may be the most important. When you’re missing passion, no amount of ability or efficiency will get you it. If you’ve got passion, though, you’ll get the ability and efficiency, if you have to, because it’s important to you to do so. This is true in many, many places. Who’s going to practice football plays for hours on end? The one with the ability or the one with the passion? Who’s going to spend their nights learning and relearning business strategies? The one who’s efficient or the one who’s passionate? Ability can be learned. Innate talent cannot, but ability can be. Efficiency can be learned, usually at a high cost if you’re not careful, but it can be learned. Passion cannot be learned.

If you can’t see the point in what you’re doing, do something else. In my opinion, a Future without passion about something, isn’t worth living.

Starting Place

To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are. - Eric Hoffer

When someone asks you for directions, what’s the first thing you need to know? Where they are. Unless you know where they are, how can you tell them how to get someplace else? You can do vague things like “take this highway south”, but if you don’t know if they’re anywhere near the highway, that doesn’t help. If they’re in Alaska, and you’re in New York, you’re going to tell them different things than if they were in Florida. You need a starting point.

And when you create your Future, you need a starting point, too. If you want to build your Future on today, which is the only way you can build something lasting, you have to know what kind of foundation you’ve got. The way to do that is to know about your life and about yourself. Do you really want X, or is that something you’re going for to please someone else? How important is money to you, really? Any answer is acceptable, so long as it’s the truth. If money is very important to you, then don’t take a job that pays you very little. If money is not important to you, then don’t take the good-paying job that sucks your soul out of your body 60 hours a week. How healthy are you? Can you handle a high stress job? Do you need to move somewhere for your health, or will you in a few years? If you’re going to need to move, starting a business in your current location isn’t such a good idea. Then there’s the people aspect. If you can’t stand Dave, don’t go into business with him, no matter what kind of excellent ideas he has. And definitely don’t date him, even if he “looks good on paper”. Do you dream of going to Tibet for a year? What are you doing about it now? What can you do about it now? How are you arranging your life so that you can accomplish it? You can’t rearrange your life until you know all the pieces, or at the very least some of the pieces, and yet people do it constantly. They want something different, but they don’t realize what they’ve already got.

Before you go changing, find out what is true about you and your Life right now. It’s the best way to create your Future.

Birds of a Feather

Odd, I know, a Wiccan quoting the bible, but I’m not as rabidly anti-Christian as some of my other pagan friends are. Besides, there’s some good advice in there. It’s really the poor way a lot of people interpret things that make live such an “adventure”.

Who you spend your time with says not only a lot about who you are, but also a lot about who you will be. The people we’re around have a lot more influence on us than most people want to believe. Even if you don’t start taking on some of their traits, fighting against following the herd can be exhausting. Also, if you hang around fools, you don’t learn nearly as much as you can from wise people or even mediocre people. Except perhaps negative examples, but you can get enough of those from the media.

You don’t have to hang around smart people in order to be smart, but it can help. You don’t have to hang around wise people in order to be wise, but it can help. Wise people can act foolish at times or at least play the fool when they want, but it’s harder to for a fool to pretend to be wise. Wise people and smart people do not have to be stuffy, and if you’re hanging around stuffy people, perhaps you should find some other wise and smart people to be around.

A lot of life is trial and error. A lot of life is learned by example. Your friends will provide you with examples and with opportunities for trial and error. Choose your friends so what you get is what you want out of life and your Future.

What Are You Made Of?

When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of. - H. Jackson Brown Jr

There is a thick veneer or layer of polite/acceptable society that covers the majority of Americans’ personalities. Do you really tell your boss what you think? Do you go up to the woman with three pounds of make up and let her know that it doesn’t make her look alluring, just cheap? Do you fart loudly in a restaurant just because you can? For a lot of you, the answer is no for all of those. But how many of you would like to?

When you’re drunk, tired, angry, or frustrated, the layer of “nice nice” gets thinner to non existent. I don’t drink, but I do stay up way too late, and when I do I get very, very honest. Plenty of my friends get the same way when they are drunk or angry or frustrated. That’s one of the reasons why it’s not “nice” to be drunk, angry, or frustrated.

Sometimes, though, it’s the only way to figure out what you’re really thinking. Societal brainwashing can run deep, and sometimes even you don’t know what you’re really thinking because it’s just rude to think that way, so you refuse to acknowledge it. But, you have to do this with some care.

Don’t get drunk and drive, obviously. Don’t get drunk and start calling your exes, either. That’s just begging for trouble. Don’t take your anger out on your boss or your pets or whatever. Yell, scream, etc., but remember that once you calm down, you’re going to have to deal with the consequences of what you said and did.

I am a big fan of journaling, but doing that when drunk or angry doesn’t work very well, so try a recorder, whether you use a tape recorder or your computer or whatever, you’ll be more able to talk than write when you’re upset or drunk enough to cut through the veneer. It’s enlightening, and I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to see a little bit deeper into their own souls.

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession by Jane R Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter is a good book. These women have worked for years with women who were obsessed with food, their weight, their size, and have figured out a way to help women get past that. Their system is straight forward, though of course not easy. If it was easy, you wouldn’t need a book to do it. The women they quote in their book believe it to be well worth their while. That’s one of the things I like best about the book is the large number of personal examples that they cite. Too many books about women and food and weight are psychoanalytical, dry, and sometimes pompous. This one talks about women on their own level and lets the women’s words speak for themselves.

What You’re Owed

The American dream is, in part, responsible for a great deal of crime and violence because people feel that the country owes them not only a living but a good living. - psychoanalyst David Abrahansen, San Francisco Examiner and Chronicle, November 18, 1975

What are you owed, really, by America? Not a thing, other than what’s dictated by law. You are owed the right to remain silent if you’re arrested. You’re owed freedom of religion. You’re owed the ability to cross a street in a cross walk with the light without getting run over. Other than that, what are you owed?

Are you owed a living? No. Are you owed happiness? Sorry, again no. You’re offered life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but not happiness itself. And you have life, since you’re reading this, unless you’re dead and reading this, in which case contact me, I’d like to talk to you. And if you don’t have liberty, then either the system screwed up or you did. But you’re not owed a living. You’re not owed a great job. You’re not owed the right to do whatever you want at the expense of other people.

And the sooner you realize this, the happier you’ll be. Or, if you refuse to realize it, then work on making the changes necessary so that you are owed it, because it isn’t true now.

Inertia (epilogue)

For me, those are the four main weapons that inertia has in my life – emotional investment, pride, difficulty, and self perception. Inertia may have other weapons in your life, other things that it holds over you as it shapes your life and your Future. You are stronger than inertia and all of its weapons. You don’t have to tackle the biggest beast on the first go. If you want, you can make little changes, combat inertia on the small scale, before going on to the more important issues. What is important, though, is that the choices you make are because you want to make those choices, not because they’re easy, and inertia can make some otherwise-ugly choices look pretty appealing. You deserve the very best you can give yourself, and the very best Future.