Let it go

How do you let it go when someone has hurt you? How do you let it go when there is a pain in your heart that no amount of crying lessens, that no amount of time seems to dull? How do you let go of something that keeps popping into your head, no matter what else you try to think of?

Or, how do you make the choice to let it go? Some people are not plagued by old wounds and remembered slights. Instead, they relish them, relive them, recount them to others and themselves over and over. They enjoy the pain, though they claim to be plagued by it. They play the martyr. These are not people interested in the Future. They are mired in the past, dragging it with them wherever they go. First thing you have to do to build the Future? Prepare for it in the Present, and you can’t do that if you’re living in the past.

Those of you who read this blog are the ones who want to create the Future and are willing to let go of at least some of the past hurts and pains. So, we’ll just continue on as if you aren’t one of the people in the second paragraph (or at least aren’t that way about everything), and we’ll go back to the first. How do you let go?

A lot of the self-help books tell you to forgive, but I’m not sure that’s right. I was taught that you forgive someone when they’ve made amends for something, or when you’re willing to say that it’s no longer a bad thing. There are just some things that I can’t do that for. There are people who’ll say that “to forgive” means to let go of the hurt whether or not someone’s made amends or if it’s something that can ever be okay. That’s not what I was taught. Instead, if you can’t forgive the sin and if you can’t forgive the sinner, then let it go.

After all, if that’s what “forgive” means to some people, then we are in agreement. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the pain, and leave the past in the past.

What does this not mean? This doesn’t mean you haven’t changed. This doesn’t mean that you haven’t gone through something horrible. This doesn’t mean that you say it wasn’t that big of a deal or that it was okay or that you are willing to see that person again or treat them well or even wish them well (that’s a little more than I can do for some people, though it does feel really good when you can expend positive energy, even against those who have wronged you).

What does this mean? It means that you take what you can from the experience, use it to grow, learn, strengthen, and change, and leave the rest in the past. You let go of anything that’s not of use to you. You let go of the pain when it no longer serves a purpose. You keep the good, and you let go of the bad.

How? You focus. You focus on the positive aspects, when you have to think about it at all. You focus on the positive in your life, on building your Future. You give yourself something else to think about, so that you don’t dwell on it in the dark of the night or any other time. You find a mantra, an affirmation, a prayer, a koan, or anything else that you can use to fill your head with something positive and building, rather than mulling over something destructive and painful.

Is it really that simple? Yes. But it’s not easy. By all that exists in this universe, it ain’t easy. If it was, you would have done it long ago. But it can be done. Persist, build, and focus. In that way, you let go of the past, clear out your Present, and make room for your Future.