Forget the Past?

Ever have someone say to you, "Don't think about that. It's all in the past. It doesn't matter any more."? The past becomes and stays the past when you're done with it and not before. If you're still angry over something from 5 years ago, then that part is not the past. Your anger is in the present, and thus the event is in some way in the present, too. That's a good thing when you're keeping someone "alive" through memories, but it's a bad thing when you have problems from childhood that you don't even realize you have.

Do you dislike bald men? Or maybe you don't think it has anything to do with them being bald, it just so happens in your life that a lot of bald people are jerks. Uh huh. Or maybe a bald person was very cruel to you long ago and you're still holding on to resentment about it, but you don't know it, so you're taking it out on people who remind you of that jerk. Which can be completely unfair to some bald men. Some of them can be very nice, but with you, they've already got a strike against them.

Or maybe you hate washing dishes, and whenever your roommate/kids/spouse leaves the dishes for you to do, you get in a really bad mood. To you, the really bad mood is because they're being insensitive jerks who don't understand that you have a life too and why do you have to do the dishes all the time? Perhaps. Do you get that way when they don't vacuum? Or don't shovel the driveway? Or don't take out the garbage? Perhaps you have insensitive jerks in your house, or maybe you have a problem with the dishes.

Sometimes "fixing" this is easy. You realize what's going on, see what triggers it from way back when, and the next time you're about to insult the bald guy or go off about the dishes, stop, think, and figure out how much of it is the situation and how much of it is the past. Sometimes, it takes more than just that, but it's a good start. If you're going to lose it and end up yelling at someone, better that you yell at them for the real reason and not kid yourself about why you're going ballistic.

You want to build the present on the past and the Future on the present, and that's tough to do when the past keeps getting in the way. Lay it to rest in whatever way you need, and fill your life with now.

Finishing What You Start

I've often had a problem finishing what I start. It all sounds so good at the beginning. I have plans, I'm excited about the project, and then somewhere close to the end, things go downhill. My enthusiasm wanes, problems come up, and I just don't want to do it. Looking back over the past, I know that I've had this problem often, and I see that I'm doing it with this blog. 3 posts a week plus an extra every other weekend, but this month has been very difficult for me to do. Last Thursday, I put up Wednesday's post, admitting I made a mistake rather than just glossing over it. Last Friday, I didn't post, nor did I put up a substitute post any time later. Monday, again, I didn't post, but I am putting up a post on Tuesday to make up for it. I am getting better at keeping my commitments.

I don't feel that I have to finish everything I start, though. I've had that problem, too, and they're related. An obligation to continue doing something I don't enjoy bugs me, and when I don't have an "out", I get rebellious and refuse to do it (in a passive aggressive, rather wussy sort of way). I've gotten better about that, too. If I think a book sucks, I stop reading it rather than forcing myself to go to the end just because I started it. If I think a movie sucks, I stop watching it. I have better things to do with my time than read or watch lousy entertainment. I'm also starting to develop enough respect for myself than to force myself into doing what I don't want to and don't need to for my goals. There are commitments I have right now that I really don't feel like keeping, but as part of my goals and plans for my life, I need to keep them, and thus I will. It will take a bunch of pokes and prods to do it, but I'm up for it.

Do you have a problem either with finishing what you start or not respecting yourself to say "enough"? There are a lot of unfinished craft projects lurking in the closets of America because people began them, don't want to finish them, but don't want to not finish them either. Limbo is a lousy place for a goal, and it ties up your energy and time. "If I'm not doing it, how does it tie up my time?" Do you think about it? How much guilt do you have over it? How much time did you spend hiding it in the back of your closet so you wouldn't see it and feel guilty? How often have you thought about cleaning your closet out but decided not to, perhaps because then you'd have to see it again? Stuff likes not just dust but also thoughts, especially unfinished stuff. Finish it or get rid of it, but take care of your commitments.

The Tomorrow Trap

The Tomorrow Trap: Unlocking the Secrets of the Procrastination-Protection Syndrome by Karen E. Peterson allegedly is about procrastination and how to beat it. It has a way of dealing with procrastination that I haven't read before, and I've read a good many self-help books. The theory behind this book is that we all have deep-ingrained shame from our childhoods that is causing us to procrastinate. Whether that shame cuases fear of failure, fear of success, belief we aren't good enough for anything good, perfectionism, or any other of a host of reasons, the true cause of procrastination is shame, and once you realize what is causing your shame, you can stop procrastinating.

This book is really about unearthing the shame from your childhood, and no matter how good a childhood you had, this book assures you that you've got shame. What you do once you unearth this shame is not in the scope of the book, although they do advocate going to therapy. You are apparently supposed to unearth your shame and then get some real help from somewhere outside the book.

This book covers a lot of interesting ground in a different way, and for that reason it was an interesting read. If you like self help books, psychology, or philosophy, this would be an interesting book for you. I want to point out a couple of things right away so that if they're going to turn you off, you can prepare yourself ahead of time.

First, the author believes that even infants feel shame, that we're practically born with it. I don't buy it. I can believe a lot of things about infants, but not shame.

Second, the author believes that at that point (1995), we were entering into a golden age of parenting when parents finally know how important it is to foster their kids' self esteem and how to do that all because of self help books like this one. Uh huh. I've seen what parents get when they work harder on the kids' self esteem than on teaching the kid how to be a member of society. It's not a pretty sight.

Other than those two points, this book was pretty neat, but I'm not going to bother with the exercises. If you're interested in them, 1) write with your non dominant hand when you're thinking about your childhood, and 2) go into therapy and ask them about photo history and art therapy. Voila, you're done.

Belated Day

Today I am one day late in putting up a new post. I am also one day late in wishing my sister-in-law a happy birthday. However, despite the embarrassment that I feel about being late in these things, I am putting up a new post, and I have sent her an e-mail. This is true progress over how I used to be. I used to screw up somehow and then retreat within myself, unable to even apologize, much less act in some way to make amends.

I think I'll keep the trend going today. There are a lot of things I've been putting off, but I refuse to overwhelm myself. (When I have a lot to do, I say screw it all and hop online to watch some really bad TV.) Today, I'm going to choose two things I've been putting off and doing them.

One of them is rewriting a plan for my week. I used ot be rather meticulous about getting the house cleaned up at least every other week if not every week, but that's gone quite downhill lately. I'm "going back to basics" in Flylady lingo and giving a couple things of hers a try again. They work, when I do them. The main thing I'm going to be giving a try again is "15 minutes a day, 1 hour a week". 6 days a week, clean for 15 mintes. 1 day a week, clean for 1 hour. As long as you pick up after yourself each day and run the dishwasher when needed, that's all it takes, so long as you do it. So I'm going to give it another try.

The other is to rewrite my values as in the style of the 10 Natural Laws (see a previous book review). I haven't looked them over since I first did them years ago. I am definitely not the same person I was then, though the similarities are there. The first three values are the same - myself, the Deities, and my husband. It's what comes after that that needs a little refreshing.

Whatever you're putting off, I hope you find what you need to get off your duff and do it. If you owe an apology or a letter or a phone call or something larger and scarier like quitting your job or moving, I hope you find it within yourself to do what needs to be done and clear a little space in your life for a better Future.

When Life Changes

It can be difficult when life changes. Sometimes it's very easy, especially when you don't bother changing along with it. That's what happened to me recently. I have a job that used to be very much a "hurry up and wait" job. I'd get through all of my work and send it on it's way and then I would wait for more work to come in. It gave me plenty of time to write, read, and work on my blog. Then one person began preparing to leave and another person's job description altered, and their duties became mine. Now, instead of getting all my work done in less than a morning, I leave at night with work yet undone. There was suddenly a lot less time to read, write, or blog. Yet, I didn't alter what I did in the evenings and weekends, and a lot less important stuff continued to get done like it always did, but other things fell by the wayside. I'm re-rearranging my life to have the good and important as well as the fun.

When life changes, you have to change with it, if you want to continue shaping your Future. Life is more than willing to be the designer, creator, and judge of your Future, if you let it. To create your Future, you're going to have to adapt to your present, because only if you acknowledge what's real in your life can you make conscious changes instead of allowing life to change you.

Regular posting will begin again next Monday.

A Year To Live

A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last by Stephen Levine is an interesting book that I just couldn’t finish. It’s not difficult to read, and I even skipped over all the meditations (and there are a lot of meditations), but despite what I thought when I got it from the library (and what I had hoped it would be when I heard about it), I don’t need yet another book giving me the same advice.

Just so you don’t need to read this book (or several others), here’s the basics:
1. Breathe and be aware of your breath.
2. Meditate daily, starting out with a little bit and increasing to an hour or more a day.
3. Look over your past. Forgive yourself, forgive others, leave nothing out.

That’s as far as I got, which is over two thirds of the way through the book.

I’m the type of person who sometimes needs to hear the same thing over and over again from a variety of sources before it sticks. I’m not sure if there’s a specific source that I need or if I just need to be won over like a river cutting through the bedrock. If you’re that type of person too, this is a good book for you. If you’re already meditating and reviewing your past, then this is not a good book for you. If you think meditation and forgiving others is a bunch of malarky, then this is not a good book for you. I think that this may be a good book for me to read again in a couple of years, if I haven’t started meditating by then.

More Equality

I want people to start out as equals, to be given equal opportunities at the start. Later in life? If I have more training than you and am better suited for this job, then I should get it. But, it should have to do only with what the job needs, not with my gender, height, sexual orientation, religious preference, political views, or marital status.

I want people to be able to get a loan based on their ability to repay, get a job on their ability to do it, vote when they’re an adult, marry who they want (providing it’s mutual), and be treated by the law the same as someone else in their position. That’s what I mean by equality.