Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more commonplace than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent.
- Calvin Coolidge
You may have noticed that I do not post on a regular basis. I want to, and I mean to, but I don’t. Why? Because I do not persist in my posting. I allow things to distract me. I let myself use the excuse “I’m too tired” or “I don’t want to” or a variety of other things. But, like with all other worthy goals, regularly posting to my blog takes persistence. And sometimes, persistence lags.
Nothing gets accomplished if you don’t persist. The Future you want does not get created if you do not continue to do what needs to be done. If you quit part way through the process, it doesn’t get done. The Future you envisioned doesn’t come to pass. You must persist in what you want.
Sometimes, this may take years. There are times when the next step has to take a back seat to more pressing concerns. Sometimes, you can do only bits and pieces for a long period of time. For example, if you are caring for children or parents, their needs cannot be put on hold – but neither can yours! Remember that – take care of yourself so you do not become bitter towards their needs. You may have only a few minutes here and there each day (if that!) to work on your Future, to persist towards your goal. But if you don’t persist, if you allow those minutes to waste away, then your Future not only will be a long time coming – it’ll never arrive. This is not to say that you must spend all of your time working – first for those dependent on you and then on your Future. Part of your Future should be (in my opinion – you’re entitled to disagree – it’s YOUR Future) you, healthy and relaxed as often as possible. Which means that you should take time to relax, recharge your batteries, catch a breath. Just remember what I said earlier about junk food for the soul. When you relax, actually relax. If you’re going to fill your soul with some kind of activity, make it about relaxing rather than your Future. Make it about your Future rather than about junk food. If you’re already relaxed and have taken care of yourself, work on your Future. Persist in it. Give it a couple of minutes each day, or at least a thought if you don’t have a couple of minutes. Not a guilt-ridden thought about how you “should” or “ought to”, but a reminder, both to yourself and to your Future. “I haven’t forgotten. I just don’t have time right now.”
The only way to write a book is to persist in putting words on paper (or at least virtual paper on word processing software). The only way to build muscles is to exercise them a little or a lot over a period of time, consistently. The only way to lose weight is to not eat the extra calories every day, or at least more often than you used to (you are wonderful, and you do deserve cake and/or ice cream every once in a while!). You have to persist in what you want. Or you will get what you persist in.
Your Future can be created. You can give birth to a wondrous Future. Don’t lose hope. Persist.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Routines
Routines mask disaster. You think if you’re getting up in the morning, putting on clean clothes, going to work, eating from time to time, and watching some telly that everything’s under control. – Marian Keyes
Routines are a good way to mask reality. When you are busy with the minutia of life, it’s easy to miss the big stuff. If time slips by you, and just about every night you think to yourself, “It’s that time already?”, then perhaps you are a victim of routines. There are two ways to get yourself out of control of routines in order to help you see reality and base your Future upon it. First, you stop all routines. Second, you make new routines.
You may not think that you have a routine, but you probably do. Do you go to bed the same time every night? Or every work night? You know what a work night is. It’s like a school night, only instead you have work in the morning. You may be thinking, “I try to go to bed by 9 every night, but I never do. Of course I don’t have a routine.” Nope, sorry, but that excuse just isn’t going to cut it this time. You don’t think you have a routine because you aren’t following the routine that you have planned, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing things the same way over and over again. How often do you get take out or delivery because you come home exhausted after work, or you just forgot to defrost something? Not making dinner could be a routine for you. Yes, not doing something can be a routine. Not making that phone call, not getting to bed “on time” (who’s time? What time is it that you’re not getting to bed on?), not eating breakfast because you overslept your alarm. Oversleeping your alarm can be a routine as well.
What do you do about it? First, you can shake up your routines by abandoning them. This does not mean go out and do whatever you like. The dog still needs to be fed, someone has to watch the kids, and you do need to go to work in the morning, so you really ought to get some sleep. But if you always watch TV on Wednesday nights, this Wednesday, don’t. If you usually miss your bus on the way home because you were doing one more thing at work, have it wait until the morning. If you buy canned peas because you believe they’re good for your family, but they say they’ll mutiny if they have canned peas one more time, make something else. Buy something else. There are other things that have nutrition, too. Play a board game in the middle of the week. Go out for a walk before bed time. Do your grocery shopping late at night. Get to work early. Move your alarm clock so that you can’t hit the snooze button any more. Change things up a bit and see what happens.
If your family worries for your mental health, tell them you’re trying a two week (or however long) experiment, and that they can just bear with you for a little while. The laundry will still get done, people will still get to soccer practice, and the groceries will still be bought. Things are just going to happen a little differently for a while.
You may find that you notice different things. Because you aren’t busy with whatever at the usual time, you may see things with new eyes.
The second way to get out from under your routines is to make new ones. Sounds silly, I know, but some of us don’t work so well without routines. Things keep getting done “tomorrow”, but tomorrow never comes. With routines, you choose when those things get done. The trick is to choose your routines, not just let them happen to you. Not making dinner is a routine that a good number of people have. Most of them don’t choose, though. They think it just happens. No, it doesn’t just happen. It’s their routine, even if they didn’t choose it. Choose your routines, the ways that get things done in your time. By choosing your routines, you not only choose the timing of the things you do, but the things you do. Being late is something that you do, not something that happens to you (most of the time). Morning commuting traffic is the same most every morning, so if you’re late every morning “because of traffic”, the truth is that you’re late because you refuse to face the fact that traffic is that bad in the morning and you’re just going to have to leave a little earlier. If you choose to face this fact and choose to leave a little earlier, being late is a routine that you destroy.
Go easy, and add a little bit to your routine at a time. Getting a good night’s sleep is a good place to start. If you hit the snooze button all the time, change your alarm to the later time you really get up. That way you won’t be woken up every ten minutes during the last bit of sleep and can get more rest. If there is something that you always forget in the mornings, take care of it in the evenings, so you don’t have to worry about it as you go to sleep. If there’s a chore or a task that you typically do just before going to bed and it always delays you, do it earlier. If you can’t do it earlier, do the rest of the evening earlier and move up your “just before going to bed” time. There are many things you can do to change how well you sleep, when you go to bed, and when you get up. But do it slowly, and don’t worry if you backslide now and again. It happens. Just pick yourself up and do it again. Fail better, as a previous post said.
If your new routines don’t work out for you or if your life changes in such a way that they become strangling rather than freeing, change them. You are entitled to change your life in the way that makes it easier for you to live, provided you hurt no one else.
Don’t let your life become routine. People controlled by routines, especially ones they don’t even know they have, do not Create the Future. They let it happen to them. Be a Creator.
Routines are a good way to mask reality. When you are busy with the minutia of life, it’s easy to miss the big stuff. If time slips by you, and just about every night you think to yourself, “It’s that time already?”, then perhaps you are a victim of routines. There are two ways to get yourself out of control of routines in order to help you see reality and base your Future upon it. First, you stop all routines. Second, you make new routines.
You may not think that you have a routine, but you probably do. Do you go to bed the same time every night? Or every work night? You know what a work night is. It’s like a school night, only instead you have work in the morning. You may be thinking, “I try to go to bed by 9 every night, but I never do. Of course I don’t have a routine.” Nope, sorry, but that excuse just isn’t going to cut it this time. You don’t think you have a routine because you aren’t following the routine that you have planned, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing things the same way over and over again. How often do you get take out or delivery because you come home exhausted after work, or you just forgot to defrost something? Not making dinner could be a routine for you. Yes, not doing something can be a routine. Not making that phone call, not getting to bed “on time” (who’s time? What time is it that you’re not getting to bed on?), not eating breakfast because you overslept your alarm. Oversleeping your alarm can be a routine as well.
What do you do about it? First, you can shake up your routines by abandoning them. This does not mean go out and do whatever you like. The dog still needs to be fed, someone has to watch the kids, and you do need to go to work in the morning, so you really ought to get some sleep. But if you always watch TV on Wednesday nights, this Wednesday, don’t. If you usually miss your bus on the way home because you were doing one more thing at work, have it wait until the morning. If you buy canned peas because you believe they’re good for your family, but they say they’ll mutiny if they have canned peas one more time, make something else. Buy something else. There are other things that have nutrition, too. Play a board game in the middle of the week. Go out for a walk before bed time. Do your grocery shopping late at night. Get to work early. Move your alarm clock so that you can’t hit the snooze button any more. Change things up a bit and see what happens.
If your family worries for your mental health, tell them you’re trying a two week (or however long) experiment, and that they can just bear with you for a little while. The laundry will still get done, people will still get to soccer practice, and the groceries will still be bought. Things are just going to happen a little differently for a while.
You may find that you notice different things. Because you aren’t busy with whatever at the usual time, you may see things with new eyes.
The second way to get out from under your routines is to make new ones. Sounds silly, I know, but some of us don’t work so well without routines. Things keep getting done “tomorrow”, but tomorrow never comes. With routines, you choose when those things get done. The trick is to choose your routines, not just let them happen to you. Not making dinner is a routine that a good number of people have. Most of them don’t choose, though. They think it just happens. No, it doesn’t just happen. It’s their routine, even if they didn’t choose it. Choose your routines, the ways that get things done in your time. By choosing your routines, you not only choose the timing of the things you do, but the things you do. Being late is something that you do, not something that happens to you (most of the time). Morning commuting traffic is the same most every morning, so if you’re late every morning “because of traffic”, the truth is that you’re late because you refuse to face the fact that traffic is that bad in the morning and you’re just going to have to leave a little earlier. If you choose to face this fact and choose to leave a little earlier, being late is a routine that you destroy.
Go easy, and add a little bit to your routine at a time. Getting a good night’s sleep is a good place to start. If you hit the snooze button all the time, change your alarm to the later time you really get up. That way you won’t be woken up every ten minutes during the last bit of sleep and can get more rest. If there is something that you always forget in the mornings, take care of it in the evenings, so you don’t have to worry about it as you go to sleep. If there’s a chore or a task that you typically do just before going to bed and it always delays you, do it earlier. If you can’t do it earlier, do the rest of the evening earlier and move up your “just before going to bed” time. There are many things you can do to change how well you sleep, when you go to bed, and when you get up. But do it slowly, and don’t worry if you backslide now and again. It happens. Just pick yourself up and do it again. Fail better, as a previous post said.
If your new routines don’t work out for you or if your life changes in such a way that they become strangling rather than freeing, change them. You are entitled to change your life in the way that makes it easier for you to live, provided you hurt no one else.
Don’t let your life become routine. People controlled by routines, especially ones they don’t even know they have, do not Create the Future. They let it happen to them. Be a Creator.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Listen to your body, see reality
When you were a kid, you had to learn how to walk. You had to learn how it felt to balance your weight on two feet in order to stand and then how to balance your weight on just one foot as you took a step. You had to be very aware of your body and what you were doing in order to learn this. Similarly, you had to learn how to use the toilet rather than a diaper, which involved listening to your body in a whole different way. When I had surgery this past January, my abdominal muscles were cut, which altered the way my abdomen felt, including my bladder. I had to relearn what it felt like to have a full bladder so I knew when to use the rest room. I had to relearn what it felt like to have an empty bladder so I knew when I was done. I had to listen to my body and become aware of it in a way I wasn’t used to before. This wasn’t the first time in my adult life that I had to learn something new about my body.
I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry.
My family rarely wanted for food. There was usually enough, more than enough, really, for had we eaten only when we were hungry, our refrigerator and pantry would have been more full than they were. We ate, often. We all repressed our emotions and ate in order to keep them down. We ate snacks between meals and after meals. We ate plenty at the meals, too. As soon as I was uncomfortable, I ate, whether that uncomfortable feeling was due to the emotional turmoil, actual hunger, or whatever else was going on in my life. When I was 6, I weighed 60 pounds, and I gained 10 pounds a year after that, until I was 16. I weighed 160 pounds, and I didn’t want to keep gaining weight like that. I would have weighed 200 when I was 20, 220 when I was 22, and I didn’t want my life to be like that. So, I had to eat less and increase my activity. I still gained weight, because I was still eating more than I needed. I was still eating even when I wasn’t hungry.
It wasn’t until I started to learn what it felt like to be hungry that I was able to take real control of my weight, though I admit that I am still learning. I still eat more than my hunger needs, though I am working on eating only when I am hungry.
What does your body tell you? Do you listen to it? Do you rest when you need to rest? Do you drink when you are thirsty? Do you eat what your body craves? Some (and I have been guilty of this often) will eat something sweet when they are craving salty, and keep eating, wondering why their craving won’t subside. Do you stretch and move your body to keep out the kinks and the stiffened joints? Listen to your body.
Is this another one of those “be the change you want to see in the world” things? Is this just another one of the “improve yourself first” things? No! This is vital. For you to create the Future, you must build upon the present. You cannot make changes in the future. It hasn’t happened yet. Everything you do must be done in the present. In order for it to be effective, in order for it to truly create the Future, it must be built upon reality. And to build upon reality, you must see reality.
Reality can be tough to see. You don’t want to see the cheating spouse, the extra thirty pounds, the abusive sibling, the dead end job. It’s so much nicer to make believe that these things are better than they are, or worse than they are so that you get sympathy and can concentrate on them instead of the rest of your life. But, to change the way things are into the way things can be, you must first see things the way they are. Your body is a good place to start.
Don’t believe me? Let’s say you have a friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. Just about every American has at least one friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. What does your friend do first? She weighs herself. Why? So she knows where she starts. It wouldn’t make sense to try to lose 20 pounds without knowing when “20 pounds less” is. In order to find out where your target, your goal, your Future is, you need to know where you are starting.
Do you want there to be less racism in the world? How will you accomplish that? How will you know what methods are effective? If you don’t know how much racism there is in the world currently, how will you know when you have less?
Do you want there to be more peace? Same questions. Do you want there to be more or less of anything? You need to know when you have accomplished your goal, and for that, you need a starting point. You need to know the present, the reality in your life, in order for you to make effective changes.
You can make changes without seeing reality. We’ve all had friends who have made the same mistakes over and over, thinking that they were doing something different. They date what is in truth the same person over and over, because the outer trappings are different. They go from one dead end job to another, thinking that because the situation is different that there is a real difference between this job and the previous one. They aren’t seeing reality. They’re seeing what they want to see. And they make changes to change what they see, but it doesn’t change reality.
See reality to create the Future. Listen to your body to see reality.
I had to learn what it felt like to be hungry.
My family rarely wanted for food. There was usually enough, more than enough, really, for had we eaten only when we were hungry, our refrigerator and pantry would have been more full than they were. We ate, often. We all repressed our emotions and ate in order to keep them down. We ate snacks between meals and after meals. We ate plenty at the meals, too. As soon as I was uncomfortable, I ate, whether that uncomfortable feeling was due to the emotional turmoil, actual hunger, or whatever else was going on in my life. When I was 6, I weighed 60 pounds, and I gained 10 pounds a year after that, until I was 16. I weighed 160 pounds, and I didn’t want to keep gaining weight like that. I would have weighed 200 when I was 20, 220 when I was 22, and I didn’t want my life to be like that. So, I had to eat less and increase my activity. I still gained weight, because I was still eating more than I needed. I was still eating even when I wasn’t hungry.
It wasn’t until I started to learn what it felt like to be hungry that I was able to take real control of my weight, though I admit that I am still learning. I still eat more than my hunger needs, though I am working on eating only when I am hungry.
What does your body tell you? Do you listen to it? Do you rest when you need to rest? Do you drink when you are thirsty? Do you eat what your body craves? Some (and I have been guilty of this often) will eat something sweet when they are craving salty, and keep eating, wondering why their craving won’t subside. Do you stretch and move your body to keep out the kinks and the stiffened joints? Listen to your body.
Is this another one of those “be the change you want to see in the world” things? Is this just another one of the “improve yourself first” things? No! This is vital. For you to create the Future, you must build upon the present. You cannot make changes in the future. It hasn’t happened yet. Everything you do must be done in the present. In order for it to be effective, in order for it to truly create the Future, it must be built upon reality. And to build upon reality, you must see reality.
Reality can be tough to see. You don’t want to see the cheating spouse, the extra thirty pounds, the abusive sibling, the dead end job. It’s so much nicer to make believe that these things are better than they are, or worse than they are so that you get sympathy and can concentrate on them instead of the rest of your life. But, to change the way things are into the way things can be, you must first see things the way they are. Your body is a good place to start.
Don’t believe me? Let’s say you have a friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. Just about every American has at least one friend who wants to lose 20 pounds. What does your friend do first? She weighs herself. Why? So she knows where she starts. It wouldn’t make sense to try to lose 20 pounds without knowing when “20 pounds less” is. In order to find out where your target, your goal, your Future is, you need to know where you are starting.
Do you want there to be less racism in the world? How will you accomplish that? How will you know what methods are effective? If you don’t know how much racism there is in the world currently, how will you know when you have less?
Do you want there to be more peace? Same questions. Do you want there to be more or less of anything? You need to know when you have accomplished your goal, and for that, you need a starting point. You need to know the present, the reality in your life, in order for you to make effective changes.
You can make changes without seeing reality. We’ve all had friends who have made the same mistakes over and over, thinking that they were doing something different. They date what is in truth the same person over and over, because the outer trappings are different. They go from one dead end job to another, thinking that because the situation is different that there is a real difference between this job and the previous one. They aren’t seeing reality. They’re seeing what they want to see. And they make changes to change what they see, but it doesn’t change reality.
See reality to create the Future. Listen to your body to see reality.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Faith and your comfort zone
When you come to the edge of all that you know, you must believe one of two things: There will be earth to stand on, or you will be given wings to fly. – Unknown
Eventually, you will reach the end of your comfort zone. You will try something new or be about to try something new, and perhaps you’ll want to draw back, to retreat back into the known. But if you want the Future to be different from the present, you can’t do that. Mother Theresa is the only person I know who managed to do a whole lot of good by doing the same thing over and over again. Ghandi had to change what he did and even what country he worked in. Martin Luther King, Jr., had speeches and marches and television appearances and many other things that he did. And for both of these men, there was a first time for these things. Even for Mother Theresa, there was a first beggar, a first clinic, a first leper. If these people had not done these first-time things, the world would be a worse place.
You may be afraid that you won’t be successful in what you want to do. That thought has kept me from so many different experiences and possibilities that it makes me very sad if I think about it too long. Instead, I use those thoughts and memories to inspire me to try new things now. I don’t bother with “if only”, but I do my best not to add any more to my life. You may be afraid that you will be successful, and then people will expect more and more from you, and you’re not sure you can handle that. I’ve had that thought, too, and that still scares me, but I refuse to let it rule me any longer.
Your comfort zone is a nice place. It’s comfortable, hence the name. It’s predictable. You know how to react to whatever happens. You know how others will react to what you do. But your comfort zone is not always a safe place, nor is it always where you want to be. But getting beyond your comfort zone is not always easy.
When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, the family reacts, whether they realize it or not. Living with a drinking alcoholic was what they knew. They knew that when the alcoholic looked like this or said that, that they should respond in this particular way to manipulate the drunk or to avoid getting hit or to spark or avoid an argument. But, when the drinking alcoholic becomes a recovering alcoholic, that person’s reactions change. People don’t know what to do any more. Plus, now that the drinking is no longer the big problem in the house, other problems start jostling for the spot light, problems that were easily ignored before now. Living with a drinking alcoholic was not safe, was not healthy, was not pleasant, but it was what the family knew. It was their comfort zone, whether they knew it or not.
You may also have an unsafe or unhealthy or unpleasant comfort zone, or a portion of one. That one friend who always starts a fight when you go out to drink. The boss who always yells at you for any reason she can think of. The cheating spouse. The home town that has gotten too small for your dreams. You may have a pretty good life – except for that. But to change that would be to leave your comfort zone, and like with the alcoholic’s family, it may bring about unexpected results. The family all wanted the alcoholic to stop drinking, thinking that it would make everything better, but “everything better” required more work than they expected.
There is only one reason why you wouldn’t need to leave your comfort zone – you are already living your ideal life. You are already creating the Future you want by your current actions. There is no more for you to do other than continue on the paths you have already begun. Are you there? I’m not. I don’t know anyone who is. So what do you do?
You do the thing that scares you. You make the phone call, you leave the abuser, you quit the job, you take the class, you take the job in the other town. You do what you need to do to create the life you want, even though it isn’t something you’re afraid to do. You take the chance, you make the decision. You don’t put it off! As the band Rush says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” If you delay your decision, you are making the choice to stick with your comfort zone for now. That isn’t always a bad thing, but always doing it is a bad thing. Soar, create, be do. Live.
I can hear some of you saying, “But I wasn’t meant for that big a life?” Says who? And if you’re truly terrified by that big of a life, of being that great, then make yourself only a little greater. Change something small. Cultivate one new friend who supports you. Look into new jobs, even if you aren’t going to go on interviews yet. Brush up your resume. Dust off that old novel. Go to the museum once. Plan a trip to the Bahamas, even if you don’t go yet. Take a little sip from the ocean of Possibilities. It takes a lot of sips to make a full gallon, but if you keep taking those sips, you will get where you want to go. Expand and stretch your comfort zone, and then breathe. Like your new comfort zone and refuse to allow it to retract and confine you again. Then expand it again. Do it slowly so you don’t frighten yourself or others who may wonder who you are and what you’ve done with who you were.
Or, perhaps you’re so confined and restricted that it’ll take a major effort to get you out of your comfort zone. Then you prepare the best you can and do it. Blow a hole in the wall that’s encircling you and step out into the Future. Breathe deep and watch the walls of your old prison crumble beneath your gaze. You are powerful and mighty. You can do it.
Comfort zones are good starting places, but don’t let it be your final resting place. Be.
Eventually, you will reach the end of your comfort zone. You will try something new or be about to try something new, and perhaps you’ll want to draw back, to retreat back into the known. But if you want the Future to be different from the present, you can’t do that. Mother Theresa is the only person I know who managed to do a whole lot of good by doing the same thing over and over again. Ghandi had to change what he did and even what country he worked in. Martin Luther King, Jr., had speeches and marches and television appearances and many other things that he did. And for both of these men, there was a first time for these things. Even for Mother Theresa, there was a first beggar, a first clinic, a first leper. If these people had not done these first-time things, the world would be a worse place.
You may be afraid that you won’t be successful in what you want to do. That thought has kept me from so many different experiences and possibilities that it makes me very sad if I think about it too long. Instead, I use those thoughts and memories to inspire me to try new things now. I don’t bother with “if only”, but I do my best not to add any more to my life. You may be afraid that you will be successful, and then people will expect more and more from you, and you’re not sure you can handle that. I’ve had that thought, too, and that still scares me, but I refuse to let it rule me any longer.
Your comfort zone is a nice place. It’s comfortable, hence the name. It’s predictable. You know how to react to whatever happens. You know how others will react to what you do. But your comfort zone is not always a safe place, nor is it always where you want to be. But getting beyond your comfort zone is not always easy.
When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, the family reacts, whether they realize it or not. Living with a drinking alcoholic was what they knew. They knew that when the alcoholic looked like this or said that, that they should respond in this particular way to manipulate the drunk or to avoid getting hit or to spark or avoid an argument. But, when the drinking alcoholic becomes a recovering alcoholic, that person’s reactions change. People don’t know what to do any more. Plus, now that the drinking is no longer the big problem in the house, other problems start jostling for the spot light, problems that were easily ignored before now. Living with a drinking alcoholic was not safe, was not healthy, was not pleasant, but it was what the family knew. It was their comfort zone, whether they knew it or not.
You may also have an unsafe or unhealthy or unpleasant comfort zone, or a portion of one. That one friend who always starts a fight when you go out to drink. The boss who always yells at you for any reason she can think of. The cheating spouse. The home town that has gotten too small for your dreams. You may have a pretty good life – except for that. But to change that would be to leave your comfort zone, and like with the alcoholic’s family, it may bring about unexpected results. The family all wanted the alcoholic to stop drinking, thinking that it would make everything better, but “everything better” required more work than they expected.
There is only one reason why you wouldn’t need to leave your comfort zone – you are already living your ideal life. You are already creating the Future you want by your current actions. There is no more for you to do other than continue on the paths you have already begun. Are you there? I’m not. I don’t know anyone who is. So what do you do?
You do the thing that scares you. You make the phone call, you leave the abuser, you quit the job, you take the class, you take the job in the other town. You do what you need to do to create the life you want, even though it isn’t something you’re afraid to do. You take the chance, you make the decision. You don’t put it off! As the band Rush says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” If you delay your decision, you are making the choice to stick with your comfort zone for now. That isn’t always a bad thing, but always doing it is a bad thing. Soar, create, be do. Live.
I can hear some of you saying, “But I wasn’t meant for that big a life?” Says who? And if you’re truly terrified by that big of a life, of being that great, then make yourself only a little greater. Change something small. Cultivate one new friend who supports you. Look into new jobs, even if you aren’t going to go on interviews yet. Brush up your resume. Dust off that old novel. Go to the museum once. Plan a trip to the Bahamas, even if you don’t go yet. Take a little sip from the ocean of Possibilities. It takes a lot of sips to make a full gallon, but if you keep taking those sips, you will get where you want to go. Expand and stretch your comfort zone, and then breathe. Like your new comfort zone and refuse to allow it to retract and confine you again. Then expand it again. Do it slowly so you don’t frighten yourself or others who may wonder who you are and what you’ve done with who you were.
Or, perhaps you’re so confined and restricted that it’ll take a major effort to get you out of your comfort zone. Then you prepare the best you can and do it. Blow a hole in the wall that’s encircling you and step out into the Future. Breathe deep and watch the walls of your old prison crumble beneath your gaze. You are powerful and mighty. You can do it.
Comfort zones are good starting places, but don’t let it be your final resting place. Be.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Your family and you
Most people have families that are great. Most people have families that are lousy. This is because most people have families that are both great and lousy, either one after another or at the same time. A lucky few have families that are great all the time (though I am not completely certain of the existence of such, I have never met any). An unfortunate many have families that are lousy all of the time.
How can a family be both? Easily. I have a friend whose family will “circle the wagons” and attack anyone who dares attack one of their family members, whether this attack is physical, mental, financial, or some other means. This is how this family is great. However, when there are no external enemies to attack, the family will attack each other. This is how this family is lousy.
Your family is probably both lousy and great. When the lousy outweighs the great, however, you may have to sever or at least loosen your ties with them. Those of you who most need to hear this advice will right now want to shut your ears and click onto a different webpage. Loosen or sever ties with your family? You can’t. You won’t. It’s unheard of. I don’t know your family. Who am I to suggest such a thing? If you’ve thought (or even said out loud) any of the last five sentences, you need to keep reading, even if you don’t want to.
You know that bossy person in the previous post, the one who runs a charity through manipulation and guilt all under the pretense that it’s for the greater good? That person probably has a family that he or she treats the same way. And there are plenty of others who don’t have a charity as an outlet who unleash the full brunt of their manipulation and guilt onto their families. Are you past the age of 25 and your mother still tells you how long she was in labor with you? Are you expected to take care of your younger siblings, even though they are old enough to vote? Are you punished for being successful by being expected to share the wealth with other family members, no matter what they have or have not done to deserve it? Or perhaps the punishment is for having the audacity for being better at something than your parents were. Or perhaps for not living up to their unrealistic expectations? Or a combination of all of them? And there are plenty of other possibilities, too. Interference in your love life. Dropping over at all hours without calling first. Constantly bragging about one particular sibling. Reminding you that they’re getting older and need your support, even if you’re just starting out and they’re still richer than you are. Many, many other things, as well.
You need to loosen the ties with the people with a stranglehold on you, whether they are bosses, coworkers, charity drivers, or family. Yes, even family. Quite frankly, you don’t owe them anything. Unless they loaned you money that you haven’t yet repaid, you don’t owe them anything. Let’s run down some of the protests to that last statement.
“But they gave birth to me.” And? If they are using that against you, watch “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” with Sidney Poitier, and pay close attention to his speech to his father. They chose not to abort you, and they chose to keep you. They could have put you up for adoption or left you somewhere, but they didn’t. Now, before you claim that to be exactly your point, remember the word “chose”. It was their choice, and they lived with the consequences. Their choice, and you don’t owe them anything for making that choice. If they were unwilling to raise a child, they should not have kept you. If they raised you specifically so you would pay them back, they are manipulators and you should flee them immediately.
“But they adopted me.” Again, that was their choice, and you do not owe them for a choice they made freely.
“They sacrificed so much for me.” Again, their choice.
“They gave so much to me.” Again, their choice.
People may freely choose to give back to their parents out of love and gratitude. I have nothing against that and have done so myself. But if you’re doing it out of guilt and obligation, stop. You are not obligated, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t stepped in/given me the money/allowed me to move back home/etc.” If you want to give back to them, then do so. If they are constantly reminding you of it, expecting repayment, if they sabotage your efforts to become independent enough that you no longer need them, then they are manipulating you and using you. You don’t owe anything to manipulators. Nothing.
But once you decide that you need to loosen or sever the family ties, how do you do it? Perhaps you’ve tried before and failed. That has happened a lot, so don’t feel too bad about having done it yourself. Take things one step at a time, and you’ll do fine. If one step at a time doesn’t work, and you need to take drastic measures (which is needed in some cases), then do it. Here’s how.
First, if you live with your family, start saving up to move out. Do not give them this money, unless you owe them money. If you have to hide the fact that you have money from them, then you definitely need to move out. Hide the money if you have to. Get a bank account in a bank that doesn’t send out statements by mail, so they can’t go through your mail and find out how much money you have. There are banks that are completely on-line. If your family goes through your e-mail, too, get a separate e-mail account (Yahoo, G-mail, or Hotmail all are free), and don’t tell them about it. Don’t access this e-mail account from your home, only public areas like the library and internet cafes. Save up until you have enough to pay first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a security deposit. Then get out fast.
Also, have a means of getting money, whether this be a job or social security or any other way, make certain that you have a way of keeping your new apartment once you move out.
If you don’t live with your family but they have a key to your place, ask for the key back. If you can’t do it, then change the locks. If you’re married, you’re going to have to agree with your spouse on this. It may be your in-laws that have the key, and if you change the locks, your spouse will just give them a new one. You need to talk to your spouse about it. If you can’t agree on this, then your marriage has more problems than just the in-laws, though they are a handy smoke screen to keep you from having to look at the deeper issue.
Screen your phone calls. Do not allow them over unannounced unless you really want to see them. If you are on the phone with them and they insist on talking about things that you don’t want to talk about, hang up. Make up some polite excuse if you have to (there’s someone at the door, my call waiting is beeping, the dog needs to be let out, something on the stove is burning), but don’t let them force you to listen to a topic you don’t want to discuss (ex-boyfriends, how well your sibling is doing, your lack of a love life, how nice it’d be if you’d visit more often, their love life, their success and how much better than you they are doing – whatever their favorite topic is).
When you get together and they try to force you to listen to more about what you don’t want to listen to, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until they get the point. And if they insist, if they ignore you, if they keep talking to each other about you as if you aren’t even there, then leave. Do not get trapped with them. Do not accept a ride over to your parents’ house or your siblings’ or the restaurant or wherever you’re meeting. And don’t offer a ride to someone, and don’t let them manipulate you into giving someone a ride. Be willing and able to walk out if they are unwilling to give you any respect.
If all else fails, cut them out of your life. Drastic, yes, but very necessary in some cases. For some, leaving the family means survival. For some, leaving the family means living. Survival is existence. Living is an existence that’s worth having. You deserve an existence worth having.
The lousy aspects of a family drain your energy and tire you out until you can’t create your Future. Cut out the lousy aspects, keep the great, and rejuvenate yourself and brighten your entire life.
How can a family be both? Easily. I have a friend whose family will “circle the wagons” and attack anyone who dares attack one of their family members, whether this attack is physical, mental, financial, or some other means. This is how this family is great. However, when there are no external enemies to attack, the family will attack each other. This is how this family is lousy.
Your family is probably both lousy and great. When the lousy outweighs the great, however, you may have to sever or at least loosen your ties with them. Those of you who most need to hear this advice will right now want to shut your ears and click onto a different webpage. Loosen or sever ties with your family? You can’t. You won’t. It’s unheard of. I don’t know your family. Who am I to suggest such a thing? If you’ve thought (or even said out loud) any of the last five sentences, you need to keep reading, even if you don’t want to.
You know that bossy person in the previous post, the one who runs a charity through manipulation and guilt all under the pretense that it’s for the greater good? That person probably has a family that he or she treats the same way. And there are plenty of others who don’t have a charity as an outlet who unleash the full brunt of their manipulation and guilt onto their families. Are you past the age of 25 and your mother still tells you how long she was in labor with you? Are you expected to take care of your younger siblings, even though they are old enough to vote? Are you punished for being successful by being expected to share the wealth with other family members, no matter what they have or have not done to deserve it? Or perhaps the punishment is for having the audacity for being better at something than your parents were. Or perhaps for not living up to their unrealistic expectations? Or a combination of all of them? And there are plenty of other possibilities, too. Interference in your love life. Dropping over at all hours without calling first. Constantly bragging about one particular sibling. Reminding you that they’re getting older and need your support, even if you’re just starting out and they’re still richer than you are. Many, many other things, as well.
You need to loosen the ties with the people with a stranglehold on you, whether they are bosses, coworkers, charity drivers, or family. Yes, even family. Quite frankly, you don’t owe them anything. Unless they loaned you money that you haven’t yet repaid, you don’t owe them anything. Let’s run down some of the protests to that last statement.
“But they gave birth to me.” And? If they are using that against you, watch “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” with Sidney Poitier, and pay close attention to his speech to his father. They chose not to abort you, and they chose to keep you. They could have put you up for adoption or left you somewhere, but they didn’t. Now, before you claim that to be exactly your point, remember the word “chose”. It was their choice, and they lived with the consequences. Their choice, and you don’t owe them anything for making that choice. If they were unwilling to raise a child, they should not have kept you. If they raised you specifically so you would pay them back, they are manipulators and you should flee them immediately.
“But they adopted me.” Again, that was their choice, and you do not owe them for a choice they made freely.
“They sacrificed so much for me.” Again, their choice.
“They gave so much to me.” Again, their choice.
People may freely choose to give back to their parents out of love and gratitude. I have nothing against that and have done so myself. But if you’re doing it out of guilt and obligation, stop. You are not obligated, and you have no reason to feel guilty.
“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t stepped in/given me the money/allowed me to move back home/etc.” If you want to give back to them, then do so. If they are constantly reminding you of it, expecting repayment, if they sabotage your efforts to become independent enough that you no longer need them, then they are manipulating you and using you. You don’t owe anything to manipulators. Nothing.
But once you decide that you need to loosen or sever the family ties, how do you do it? Perhaps you’ve tried before and failed. That has happened a lot, so don’t feel too bad about having done it yourself. Take things one step at a time, and you’ll do fine. If one step at a time doesn’t work, and you need to take drastic measures (which is needed in some cases), then do it. Here’s how.
First, if you live with your family, start saving up to move out. Do not give them this money, unless you owe them money. If you have to hide the fact that you have money from them, then you definitely need to move out. Hide the money if you have to. Get a bank account in a bank that doesn’t send out statements by mail, so they can’t go through your mail and find out how much money you have. There are banks that are completely on-line. If your family goes through your e-mail, too, get a separate e-mail account (Yahoo, G-mail, or Hotmail all are free), and don’t tell them about it. Don’t access this e-mail account from your home, only public areas like the library and internet cafes. Save up until you have enough to pay first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a security deposit. Then get out fast.
Also, have a means of getting money, whether this be a job or social security or any other way, make certain that you have a way of keeping your new apartment once you move out.
If you don’t live with your family but they have a key to your place, ask for the key back. If you can’t do it, then change the locks. If you’re married, you’re going to have to agree with your spouse on this. It may be your in-laws that have the key, and if you change the locks, your spouse will just give them a new one. You need to talk to your spouse about it. If you can’t agree on this, then your marriage has more problems than just the in-laws, though they are a handy smoke screen to keep you from having to look at the deeper issue.
Screen your phone calls. Do not allow them over unannounced unless you really want to see them. If you are on the phone with them and they insist on talking about things that you don’t want to talk about, hang up. Make up some polite excuse if you have to (there’s someone at the door, my call waiting is beeping, the dog needs to be let out, something on the stove is burning), but don’t let them force you to listen to a topic you don’t want to discuss (ex-boyfriends, how well your sibling is doing, your lack of a love life, how nice it’d be if you’d visit more often, their love life, their success and how much better than you they are doing – whatever their favorite topic is).
When you get together and they try to force you to listen to more about what you don’t want to listen to, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until they get the point. And if they insist, if they ignore you, if they keep talking to each other about you as if you aren’t even there, then leave. Do not get trapped with them. Do not accept a ride over to your parents’ house or your siblings’ or the restaurant or wherever you’re meeting. And don’t offer a ride to someone, and don’t let them manipulate you into giving someone a ride. Be willing and able to walk out if they are unwilling to give you any respect.
If all else fails, cut them out of your life. Drastic, yes, but very necessary in some cases. For some, leaving the family means survival. For some, leaving the family means living. Survival is existence. Living is an existence that’s worth having. You deserve an existence worth having.
The lousy aspects of a family drain your energy and tire you out until you can’t create your Future. Cut out the lousy aspects, keep the great, and rejuvenate yourself and brighten your entire life.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Charity organizations and you
Volunteering at a charity is a wonderful thing, when you don’t overdo it. Unfortunately, there are some charities and volunteer coordinators who won’t say “that’s enough, you need a break”. You’ll have to do it yourself. And those people may even try to manipulate you into staying longer than you agreed to, longer than you can, on days you had other plans, and so on and so on. They’ll give you more and more to do until you say “enough”, and even then they might not listen.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all or even most charities or volunteer organizations. But it does apply to some. How can you tell? They ask you to stay longer or say that you have to because someone else cancelled. You’re their first and sometimes only call in a crisis. They give you very little notice about something they need. They expect you on certain days, even when you haven’t agreed to it. They demand to know what you’re doing with your time when you’re not there, so that they can judge whether or not that’s a “good enough” reason for you to not be working for them. They try to talk you out of your plans in order to do things for them. They yell at you, argue with you, call you insensitive to the needs of the people their helping, call you selfish. If they do any of these things, they are manipulating you. Guilting, cajoling, coercing, convincing, demanding, call it whatever you want. They are manipulating you. And you don’t have to stand for it.
Is the cause worthwhile? Yes. Does it need volunteers? Yes. Does that volunteer need to be you? NO. And that’s what you need to say to them – no. If they want to know what else you’re doing, don’t tell them. If they try to pressure you, leave or hang up. You don’t deserve this. It’ll be tough. Some of these manipulators are amazingly difficult to say no to. But you’re worth it. You and your Future are worth the time to yourself or doing other things.
If you’re caught in that trap, take a look at what’s going on. How are you being manipulated? If they’re calling you at the last minute, screen your phone calls. Get caller ID or an answering machine and don’t answer if it’s them. If when you get there they ask you to stay late, have someone else pick you up, and tell the charity coordinator that you can’t stay because your ride is here. Or stop going to the charity and just do things at special events or from afar. If they keep giving you things to do, say no. If you’ve said no in the past and they’ve ignored it, ignore their ignoring it. You’ve said no, and if they don’t want to believe it, that’s tough. It is their responsibility, not yours once you’ve said no. What if they walk away before you get a chance to say no? Or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. Leave it on the desk with a note saying “I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I can’t do this right now.” That’s all the explanation you need to give. Leave a message on their voicemail, too, and perhaps their e-mail, to make certain they get that note in time.
There are thousands of worthy causes out there, if not hundreds of thousands, and you cannot help them all. Worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot set boundaries with someone at that charity, leave. There are other worthy causes, other charities, other committees. Give your time to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you. There are even ways to volunteer vitually, for an organization tens or hundreds of miles away. Some of you are in small towns or small communities where all of the worthy causes are presided over by one or two very bossy people, and to give your time at all is to subject yourself to one of them. Don’t do it. While the causes are worthwhile, so are you.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. You need the time as well as the charity. You might not know why you are on this earth or what you are capable of if you gave it a shot. You may write the world’s most inspirational novel or raise the next Martin Luther King, Jr., or start a ripple effect of peace and harmony starting with you, your home, your neighborhood, and beyond. You need some time to find out what is your best purpose, the best way you can create the Future you want. You need to go where your heart and soul pull you, not where someone else pushes you.
Give of yourself, but don’t give away yourself, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably in the latter. You are meant for great things, to create a wondrous Future. Don’t give that away, no matter how good the cause.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all or even most charities or volunteer organizations. But it does apply to some. How can you tell? They ask you to stay longer or say that you have to because someone else cancelled. You’re their first and sometimes only call in a crisis. They give you very little notice about something they need. They expect you on certain days, even when you haven’t agreed to it. They demand to know what you’re doing with your time when you’re not there, so that they can judge whether or not that’s a “good enough” reason for you to not be working for them. They try to talk you out of your plans in order to do things for them. They yell at you, argue with you, call you insensitive to the needs of the people their helping, call you selfish. If they do any of these things, they are manipulating you. Guilting, cajoling, coercing, convincing, demanding, call it whatever you want. They are manipulating you. And you don’t have to stand for it.
Is the cause worthwhile? Yes. Does it need volunteers? Yes. Does that volunteer need to be you? NO. And that’s what you need to say to them – no. If they want to know what else you’re doing, don’t tell them. If they try to pressure you, leave or hang up. You don’t deserve this. It’ll be tough. Some of these manipulators are amazingly difficult to say no to. But you’re worth it. You and your Future are worth the time to yourself or doing other things.
If you’re caught in that trap, take a look at what’s going on. How are you being manipulated? If they’re calling you at the last minute, screen your phone calls. Get caller ID or an answering machine and don’t answer if it’s them. If when you get there they ask you to stay late, have someone else pick you up, and tell the charity coordinator that you can’t stay because your ride is here. Or stop going to the charity and just do things at special events or from afar. If they keep giving you things to do, say no. If you’ve said no in the past and they’ve ignored it, ignore their ignoring it. You’ve said no, and if they don’t want to believe it, that’s tough. It is their responsibility, not yours once you’ve said no. What if they walk away before you get a chance to say no? Or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. Leave it on the desk with a note saying “I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I can’t do this right now.” That’s all the explanation you need to give. Leave a message on their voicemail, too, and perhaps their e-mail, to make certain they get that note in time.
There are thousands of worthy causes out there, if not hundreds of thousands, and you cannot help them all. Worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot set boundaries with someone at that charity, leave. There are other worthy causes, other charities, other committees. Give your time to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you. There are even ways to volunteer vitually, for an organization tens or hundreds of miles away. Some of you are in small towns or small communities where all of the worthy causes are presided over by one or two very bossy people, and to give your time at all is to subject yourself to one of them. Don’t do it. While the causes are worthwhile, so are you.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. You need the time as well as the charity. You might not know why you are on this earth or what you are capable of if you gave it a shot. You may write the world’s most inspirational novel or raise the next Martin Luther King, Jr., or start a ripple effect of peace and harmony starting with you, your home, your neighborhood, and beyond. You need some time to find out what is your best purpose, the best way you can create the Future you want. You need to go where your heart and soul pull you, not where someone else pushes you.
Give of yourself, but don’t give away yourself, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably in the latter. You are meant for great things, to create a wondrous Future. Don’t give that away, no matter how good the cause.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Spiritual Rejuvenation
Because there are so many different religions and spiritual practices, spiritual rejuvenation is a difficult thing to generalize. So below are some suggestions. Take what works for you, ignore the rest.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Emotional Rejuvenation
I’ve been avoiding this post for a while. It’s a tough one for me to do. When I was a kid, my emotions got froze. I was allowed to be happy, but that was pretty much it. Sad was not allowed in our house, and only one person was allowed to be angry. The other emotions weren’t dealt with much at all. It’s taken a lot of work on my part to unfreeze myself, to allow myself to feel emotions without fear of retribution of vulnerability. Not that I wouldn’t be vulnerable, but not to fear that, to allow others in. So, talking about rejuvenating our emotions hits a sore spot for me. I still have a long way to go before I feel freely and allow myself to get hurt, because only by being that open can I allow myself to be loved and truly happy.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
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