Your family and you

Most people have families that are great. Most people have families that are lousy. This is because most people have families that are both great and lousy, either one after another or at the same time. A lucky few have families that are great all the time (though I am not completely certain of the existence of such, I have never met any). An unfortunate many have families that are lousy all of the time.

How can a family be both? Easily. I have a friend whose family will “circle the wagons” and attack anyone who dares attack one of their family members, whether this attack is physical, mental, financial, or some other means. This is how this family is great. However, when there are no external enemies to attack, the family will attack each other. This is how this family is lousy.

Your family is probably both lousy and great. When the lousy outweighs the great, however, you may have to sever or at least loosen your ties with them. Those of you who most need to hear this advice will right now want to shut your ears and click onto a different webpage. Loosen or sever ties with your family? You can’t. You won’t. It’s unheard of. I don’t know your family. Who am I to suggest such a thing? If you’ve thought (or even said out loud) any of the last five sentences, you need to keep reading, even if you don’t want to.

You know that bossy person in the previous post, the one who runs a charity through manipulation and guilt all under the pretense that it’s for the greater good? That person probably has a family that he or she treats the same way. And there are plenty of others who don’t have a charity as an outlet who unleash the full brunt of their manipulation and guilt onto their families. Are you past the age of 25 and your mother still tells you how long she was in labor with you? Are you expected to take care of your younger siblings, even though they are old enough to vote? Are you punished for being successful by being expected to share the wealth with other family members, no matter what they have or have not done to deserve it? Or perhaps the punishment is for having the audacity for being better at something than your parents were. Or perhaps for not living up to their unrealistic expectations? Or a combination of all of them? And there are plenty of other possibilities, too. Interference in your love life. Dropping over at all hours without calling first. Constantly bragging about one particular sibling. Reminding you that they’re getting older and need your support, even if you’re just starting out and they’re still richer than you are. Many, many other things, as well.

You need to loosen the ties with the people with a stranglehold on you, whether they are bosses, coworkers, charity drivers, or family. Yes, even family. Quite frankly, you don’t owe them anything. Unless they loaned you money that you haven’t yet repaid, you don’t owe them anything. Let’s run down some of the protests to that last statement.

“But they gave birth to me.” And? If they are using that against you, watch “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” with Sidney Poitier, and pay close attention to his speech to his father. They chose not to abort you, and they chose to keep you. They could have put you up for adoption or left you somewhere, but they didn’t. Now, before you claim that to be exactly your point, remember the word “chose”. It was their choice, and they lived with the consequences. Their choice, and you don’t owe them anything for making that choice. If they were unwilling to raise a child, they should not have kept you. If they raised you specifically so you would pay them back, they are manipulators and you should flee them immediately.

“But they adopted me.” Again, that was their choice, and you do not owe them for a choice they made freely.

“They sacrificed so much for me.” Again, their choice.

“They gave so much to me.” Again, their choice.

People may freely choose to give back to their parents out of love and gratitude. I have nothing against that and have done so myself. But if you’re doing it out of guilt and obligation, stop. You are not obligated, and you have no reason to feel guilty.

“I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t stepped in/given me the money/allowed me to move back home/etc.” If you want to give back to them, then do so. If they are constantly reminding you of it, expecting repayment, if they sabotage your efforts to become independent enough that you no longer need them, then they are manipulating you and using you. You don’t owe anything to manipulators. Nothing.

But once you decide that you need to loosen or sever the family ties, how do you do it? Perhaps you’ve tried before and failed. That has happened a lot, so don’t feel too bad about having done it yourself. Take things one step at a time, and you’ll do fine. If one step at a time doesn’t work, and you need to take drastic measures (which is needed in some cases), then do it. Here’s how.

First, if you live with your family, start saving up to move out. Do not give them this money, unless you owe them money. If you have to hide the fact that you have money from them, then you definitely need to move out. Hide the money if you have to. Get a bank account in a bank that doesn’t send out statements by mail, so they can’t go through your mail and find out how much money you have. There are banks that are completely on-line. If your family goes through your e-mail, too, get a separate e-mail account (Yahoo, G-mail, or Hotmail all are free), and don’t tell them about it. Don’t access this e-mail account from your home, only public areas like the library and internet cafes. Save up until you have enough to pay first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and a security deposit. Then get out fast.

Also, have a means of getting money, whether this be a job or social security or any other way, make certain that you have a way of keeping your new apartment once you move out.

If you don’t live with your family but they have a key to your place, ask for the key back. If you can’t do it, then change the locks. If you’re married, you’re going to have to agree with your spouse on this. It may be your in-laws that have the key, and if you change the locks, your spouse will just give them a new one. You need to talk to your spouse about it. If you can’t agree on this, then your marriage has more problems than just the in-laws, though they are a handy smoke screen to keep you from having to look at the deeper issue.

Screen your phone calls. Do not allow them over unannounced unless you really want to see them. If you are on the phone with them and they insist on talking about things that you don’t want to talk about, hang up. Make up some polite excuse if you have to (there’s someone at the door, my call waiting is beeping, the dog needs to be let out, something on the stove is burning), but don’t let them force you to listen to a topic you don’t want to discuss (ex-boyfriends, how well your sibling is doing, your lack of a love life, how nice it’d be if you’d visit more often, their love life, their success and how much better than you they are doing – whatever their favorite topic is).

When you get together and they try to force you to listen to more about what you don’t want to listen to, change the topic. Keep changing the topic until they get the point. And if they insist, if they ignore you, if they keep talking to each other about you as if you aren’t even there, then leave. Do not get trapped with them. Do not accept a ride over to your parents’ house or your siblings’ or the restaurant or wherever you’re meeting. And don’t offer a ride to someone, and don’t let them manipulate you into giving someone a ride. Be willing and able to walk out if they are unwilling to give you any respect.

If all else fails, cut them out of your life. Drastic, yes, but very necessary in some cases. For some, leaving the family means survival. For some, leaving the family means living. Survival is existence. Living is an existence that’s worth having. You deserve an existence worth having.

The lousy aspects of a family drain your energy and tire you out until you can’t create your Future. Cut out the lousy aspects, keep the great, and rejuvenate yourself and brighten your entire life.