This one’s tougher for me to talk about. While I’ve deal with sex, weight, and abuse, I’ve never really gotten into drugs – not even alcohol or nicotine. It’s easy for me to slip into a platitude about how great life is and how drugs never make anything better, but that’s all bull. Life sometimes sucks, and drugs don’t make anything better but they let you forget for a little while.
The main problem with drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, is that they distract you from the problems in your life. They don’t “take care of” the problems. The problems are still there. You’ve just side stepped them for now. But they’re still waiting and lurking, stalking you. And they seem insurmountable, because the pain that comes with them cripples you. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Truly big problems are tough to handle, so break it down. Break it down from “my life sucks” into “I hate my parents/spouse/etc., my job sucks, I am tired all the time, etc.” Life sucking is too large. Get specific, and then fix what you can. Tired all the time? Go to bed a little earlier. Can’t because you have too much to do? Do what you need to earlier, get some help (which is more important – a few bucks or the extra sleep you get because someone else is taking care of the lawn), refuse to do some things (use paper plates and plastic forks for a while instead of doing the dishes), and get some of those irritations out the door. Or maybe your neighbors are too noisy. Get some ear plugs. Can’t sleep with ear plugs? Learn how. You aren’t getting any sleep now any way, you may as well use that time learning how to sleep with ear plugs.
There are solutions to the smaller problems, and once you get the smaller ones out of the way, you can see the bigger ones – if you’re not high, drunk, or buzzing. The bigger ones can be taken care of, too, once you get your energy back away from all the little ants that were biting you (the irritating smaller troubles). Sometimes you don’t want to see the solution, so you blind yourself intentionally. Sometimes the solution seems to be worse than the problem. If you need drugs to be able to live with your current situation, there has to be something better out there for you.
We live in a time with a lot of resources, particularly in the “larger” nations. Since you have access to the internet (since you’re reading this), find some free advice, a group that’s going through the same things you are, reduced fee or even free professional help.
Get rid of the reason why your life is horrific, and you won’t need the drugs. Good luck.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent (2)
(delayed posting for Monday)
Some people abstain from not just sex, but also all sexual contact. They may do this for religious reasons. I have no issue with that. Others do so because it seems to them that the only other choice would be to become a slut. This I have an issue with.
If you do nothing, you may as well join a convent. If you enjoy some sexual contact but you don’t “go all the way”, then you’re a tease. If you do “go all the way”, then you’re a slut. Some adults actually believe this and live their lives by this. For gods’ sakes, get out of high school already.
This is a tough one for some people, because the place they live or the places they socialize, that’s the “rule”. That’s how people expect others to behave. If that’s where you socialize, find someplace else, someplace that will respect your choices, that will actually give you the option of giving someone a kiss if you feel like it without the need to drop your pants. If that’s where you live, you may want to consider living somewhere else. If not, then you’re going to have to figure something out. I suggest masturbation or a very discrete friend who also doesn’t care for the “rules” laid down by your society.
For others, this isn’t what their social circle dictates; it’s just the way they live. Some feel like their passion is a burning inferno that if they ever let loose, they will become hedonistic rampages of sexual destruction, or at least have a whole lot more sex than they could respect themselves for. I can understand this, because I know there are people who feel the same way about pain, sadness, and anger. They feel like they have to keep a tight, tight lid on their emotions or else it will overwhelm them and everyone around them. You need a healthy outlet for those emotions, because locked away, they breed and fester. Give them a safe and healthy outlet so that if you come across a situation where that lid gets blown, you won’t be overwhelmed by a hurricane of emotion. I suggest you start by yourself – talking to yourself, reading, writing, punching pillows, or whatever physical outlet is appropriate. Give yourself some time alone, without interruptions, and if you cannot manage that, then there is more wrong with your life than this turmoil inside you.
There are a lot of shades of gray in this continuum where slut and convent are the extremes. You don’t have to life an extreme unless you want to. Just make sure it’s something you choose, not something you just accept as “the way things are”.
Some people abstain from not just sex, but also all sexual contact. They may do this for religious reasons. I have no issue with that. Others do so because it seems to them that the only other choice would be to become a slut. This I have an issue with.
If you do nothing, you may as well join a convent. If you enjoy some sexual contact but you don’t “go all the way”, then you’re a tease. If you do “go all the way”, then you’re a slut. Some adults actually believe this and live their lives by this. For gods’ sakes, get out of high school already.
This is a tough one for some people, because the place they live or the places they socialize, that’s the “rule”. That’s how people expect others to behave. If that’s where you socialize, find someplace else, someplace that will respect your choices, that will actually give you the option of giving someone a kiss if you feel like it without the need to drop your pants. If that’s where you live, you may want to consider living somewhere else. If not, then you’re going to have to figure something out. I suggest masturbation or a very discrete friend who also doesn’t care for the “rules” laid down by your society.
For others, this isn’t what their social circle dictates; it’s just the way they live. Some feel like their passion is a burning inferno that if they ever let loose, they will become hedonistic rampages of sexual destruction, or at least have a whole lot more sex than they could respect themselves for. I can understand this, because I know there are people who feel the same way about pain, sadness, and anger. They feel like they have to keep a tight, tight lid on their emotions or else it will overwhelm them and everyone around them. You need a healthy outlet for those emotions, because locked away, they breed and fester. Give them a safe and healthy outlet so that if you come across a situation where that lid gets blown, you won’t be overwhelmed by a hurricane of emotion. I suggest you start by yourself – talking to yourself, reading, writing, punching pillows, or whatever physical outlet is appropriate. Give yourself some time alone, without interruptions, and if you cannot manage that, then there is more wrong with your life than this turmoil inside you.
There are a lot of shades of gray in this continuum where slut and convent are the extremes. You don’t have to life an extreme unless you want to. Just make sure it’s something you choose, not something you just accept as “the way things are”.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Refuse to Choose (2)
Okay, I have finished reading “Refuse to Choose! A revolutionary program for doing everything that you love” by Barbara Sher. This is a great, great book, and I am so glad I read it. I recognized myself in many of the chapters and came away with wonderful ideas about how to arrange my life so I am happier and can do all the things I want to do without the guilt for no longer doing things that I no longer love.
This book is for Scanners. A Scanner is someone who is “smart, curious, devouring every new project or experience – and unable to decide, once and for all, on a single direction for their lives”. You probably know one – someone who just can’t settle down into one job or keeps going back to school for a new degree or loves ballet and astrophysics and ancient Hungarian folk lore and a thousand other things. You may even be one of them. Whoever the Scanner is in your life, recommend this book to them. It can make a world of difference.
As for me, I’m heading over to the discussion boards that Barbara Sher has put up for Scanners and see what’s there.
This book is for Scanners. A Scanner is someone who is “smart, curious, devouring every new project or experience – and unable to decide, once and for all, on a single direction for their lives”. You probably know one – someone who just can’t settle down into one job or keeps going back to school for a new degree or loves ballet and astrophysics and ancient Hungarian folk lore and a thousand other things. You may even be one of them. Whoever the Scanner is in your life, recommend this book to them. It can make a world of difference.
As for me, I’m heading over to the discussion boards that Barbara Sher has put up for Scanners and see what’s there.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent
In my previous post “You Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Want”, I talked about four different extremes that people frequently believe are the only choices in these subjects. I’d like to go into those today and over the next three posts.
Bar slut or convent. You don’t have to have sex with every available man, and you don’t have to abstain from sex. You can be picky about who you have sex with and still get to have sex.
Some people believe that if they don’t take this guy home, then no one else will come along that night. Or at least no one better. That just might be true. But you don’t have to go home with someone tonight. Life can get very lonely late at night when you’re all alone. Having someone there to help distract you from … well, everything quite frankly, can be very comforting. But it’s not the only way to distract yourself. If you need a warm body in your bed, get a dog. If you need orgasms, get a vibrator. If you need someone to talk to, get a roommate or a great internet connection. If you need something to fill up your time until you’re so tired, you’ll fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, clean, sew, knit, bake, watch old movies, watch new movies, watch reruns of TV shows on TV or on the internet, find an online game that people half-way around the world are playing when you ought to be sleeping and kick their pansy butts at it. It doesn’t have to be sex.
Some people believe that they won’t be able to find their soul mate unless they have sex with people, because no one’s going to find them interesting without sex. You are an incredible person. You don’t need some hound in heat slavering at your crotch in order to find someone to spend your life with. If they aren’t willing to wait until they’ve known a full and entire 24 hours before getting into your pants, they probably aren’t worth your time. Better you figure that out now rather than 4 years from now when you’ll get stuck with the kids because your partner’s too busy boinking someone else to bother taking custody. Go ahead and have sex, wonderful sex, mind (and other body part) blowing sex. Just don’t expect more than that from someone about whom you know next to nothing. So, how do you find your soulmate if not through sex? Want ads, internet dating services, friends of friends, blind dates, social circles, volunteer groups, special interest groups (clubs, organizations, etc.). And since you’re getting your sex on the side, you don’t have to worry about seeming desperate.
We’ll look at the flip side next.
Bar slut or convent. You don’t have to have sex with every available man, and you don’t have to abstain from sex. You can be picky about who you have sex with and still get to have sex.
Some people believe that if they don’t take this guy home, then no one else will come along that night. Or at least no one better. That just might be true. But you don’t have to go home with someone tonight. Life can get very lonely late at night when you’re all alone. Having someone there to help distract you from … well, everything quite frankly, can be very comforting. But it’s not the only way to distract yourself. If you need a warm body in your bed, get a dog. If you need orgasms, get a vibrator. If you need someone to talk to, get a roommate or a great internet connection. If you need something to fill up your time until you’re so tired, you’ll fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, clean, sew, knit, bake, watch old movies, watch new movies, watch reruns of TV shows on TV or on the internet, find an online game that people half-way around the world are playing when you ought to be sleeping and kick their pansy butts at it. It doesn’t have to be sex.
Some people believe that they won’t be able to find their soul mate unless they have sex with people, because no one’s going to find them interesting without sex. You are an incredible person. You don’t need some hound in heat slavering at your crotch in order to find someone to spend your life with. If they aren’t willing to wait until they’ve known a full and entire 24 hours before getting into your pants, they probably aren’t worth your time. Better you figure that out now rather than 4 years from now when you’ll get stuck with the kids because your partner’s too busy boinking someone else to bother taking custody. Go ahead and have sex, wonderful sex, mind (and other body part) blowing sex. Just don’t expect more than that from someone about whom you know next to nothing. So, how do you find your soulmate if not through sex? Want ads, internet dating services, friends of friends, blind dates, social circles, volunteer groups, special interest groups (clubs, organizations, etc.). And since you’re getting your sex on the side, you don’t have to worry about seeming desperate.
We’ll look at the flip side next.
Monday, July 14, 2008
What You Want
Sometimes life is funny in a sarcastic, prankster sort of way. It'll give you what you said you wanted but it turns out you didn't, or what you think you want, but it turns out you don't. And sometimes, it gives you want you want, but you just can't seem to get off your duff to take it from the serving platter.
So, what do you do? Do you be kind to yourself and rest, letting the opportunity wait and perhaps slip by? Do you push yourself and take the opportunity but burn out sooner than anyone would want you to? It's a tough decision. I'll let you know when I figure it out for myself. Good luck in figuring it out for you.
So, what do you do? Do you be kind to yourself and rest, letting the opportunity wait and perhaps slip by? Do you push yourself and take the opportunity but burn out sooner than anyone would want you to? It's a tough decision. I'll let you know when I figure it out for myself. Good luck in figuring it out for you.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Distraction
When life isn’t working for you, you need to figure out what you want. The problem is distraction. Whatever isn’t working for you must have some kind of allure, or else you wouldn’t be doing it. Some of these things can be very seductive, and you think “Oh, this isn’t that bad.” But it is, because it isn’t what you want. But because of the wonderful distraction, you don’t even notice.
We all need distractions now and again, but it’s a problem when it becomes a way of life. Just one more TV show, just one night out with the guys, just one more novel…typical distractions. One more fight, one more cigarette, one more meaningless one night stand…some less typical but still pretty common distractions.
When you’re so wrapped up in something other than your life, you can’t figure out what you want to do with your life. This goes directly against the “back off and gain some perspective” advice, but in that case, you’re too immersed in your life, not fleeing from it. And that’s what a distraction does – makes you run away from your life.
Maybe your life is too horrible to face, and maybe making a change is too horrible to face, too. But why worry about that when you’ve got 183 channels to watch, a twelve-pack in the fridge, and/or at least several hundred women in the city you haven’t laid yet?
Because if you don’t worry about it, if you don’t do *something*, then five or ten years from now, your life will still be too horrible to face, and you still won’t want to make a change. Because if you don’t do something, either it won’t change at all, or something will change it for you – probably for the worse. But how could it get worse, you ask? Let’s see, you’re able to read this blog, which means you can see – you could be blinded. And you have access to a computer – that could be taken away. Or maybe someone is reading this to you – so you have a friend. Or if they aren’t a friend, at least you can hear. Both your friend and your hearing could leave. Plus, you comprehend these words, so you aren’t in a coma or in so much pain you wouldn’t be able to make out the words people were telling you anyway. Trust me, your life could get worse. But who cares, as long as there’s beer and sex?
I care, and if you stopped distracting yourself for a little while, you might find out you care, too. Care about your present and your Future, because if you won’t, then most others won’t either.
We all need distractions now and again, but it’s a problem when it becomes a way of life. Just one more TV show, just one night out with the guys, just one more novel…typical distractions. One more fight, one more cigarette, one more meaningless one night stand…some less typical but still pretty common distractions.
When you’re so wrapped up in something other than your life, you can’t figure out what you want to do with your life. This goes directly against the “back off and gain some perspective” advice, but in that case, you’re too immersed in your life, not fleeing from it. And that’s what a distraction does – makes you run away from your life.
Maybe your life is too horrible to face, and maybe making a change is too horrible to face, too. But why worry about that when you’ve got 183 channels to watch, a twelve-pack in the fridge, and/or at least several hundred women in the city you haven’t laid yet?
Because if you don’t worry about it, if you don’t do *something*, then five or ten years from now, your life will still be too horrible to face, and you still won’t want to make a change. Because if you don’t do something, either it won’t change at all, or something will change it for you – probably for the worse. But how could it get worse, you ask? Let’s see, you’re able to read this blog, which means you can see – you could be blinded. And you have access to a computer – that could be taken away. Or maybe someone is reading this to you – so you have a friend. Or if they aren’t a friend, at least you can hear. Both your friend and your hearing could leave. Plus, you comprehend these words, so you aren’t in a coma or in so much pain you wouldn’t be able to make out the words people were telling you anyway. Trust me, your life could get worse. But who cares, as long as there’s beer and sex?
I care, and if you stopped distracting yourself for a little while, you might find out you care, too. Care about your present and your Future, because if you won’t, then most others won’t either.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Appreciation Day
Today, I appreciate you, my readers. Keeping this up is difficult, and knowing that anyone else is reading it helps. Thank you for all your comments.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Refuse To Choose
This book review is delayed because I haven't finished reading it. I have been so busy working through the exercises that I haven't gotten all the way through it yet. The first half is excellent. I recommend it to anyone who's a "scanner". If you don't know what you want to do with your life because you want to do everything (or at least a whole lot of them), this is a good book for you. Or at least half of one. I'll comment on the rest later.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Silk on a Goat
Put silk on a goat, and it is still a goat. – Irish saying
We've been talking about habits. Some people will say, "Sure, I smoke, but at least I don't drink." Or, "Sure I drink, but not during the week." "Sure I cheat, but I don't flaunt it." Or some other thing.
It's a bad habit. It's something you know you shouldn't be doing, or else you wouldn't be making excuses for it. You don't have to make excuses for doing the right thing. Your bad habit may not be the worst thing that you could be doing, but it certainly ain't the best thing.
A goat in silk is still a goat. A bad habit that isn't the worst thing, is still a bad habit. How many goats do you have in your future? Your choice.
We've been talking about habits. Some people will say, "Sure, I smoke, but at least I don't drink." Or, "Sure I drink, but not during the week." "Sure I cheat, but I don't flaunt it." Or some other thing.
It's a bad habit. It's something you know you shouldn't be doing, or else you wouldn't be making excuses for it. You don't have to make excuses for doing the right thing. Your bad habit may not be the worst thing that you could be doing, but it certainly ain't the best thing.
A goat in silk is still a goat. A bad habit that isn't the worst thing, is still a bad habit. How many goats do you have in your future? Your choice.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
You Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Want
Ever have a craving for something to eat, but you just can’t put your finger on it? This is close, and that’s almost like it, but it’s still not right? What do you do? Most people will eat a little of this and a little of that for as long as it takes for them to find what they want, or eat a whole lot if they never do.
It’s the same way for other things – sex, relationships, drugs. Just like bad habits can give you something you need, you can search for this vague something in all the wrong places and never get it, just get distracted.
One of the definitions of insanity (okay, not an official definition) is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and in the morning go home never to hear from him again. Okay, that guy wasn’t Prince Charming, but Prince Charming must be out there somewhere, right? So, next weekend, you go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and then get surprised when in the morning you go home to never hear from him again. And people will do this not just a few times and then wise up. They’ll repeat this for years.
Drugs work the same way. “Getting drunk yesterday didn’t help my problems, but maybe it’ll work today.” “It’s not that getting high didn’t do me any good. I just wasn’t high for long enough.” Yes, there’s a physical component to the addiction, but that’s getting to be really well known, and there are places you can go for help. But people won’t get help until it’s horribly too late or just plain horrible because they think that they just didn’t quite get it right. No, what you didn’t get right is thinking that doing the same thing would get different results.
So what do you do? Something different. But how? You’re too good looking and too young to be hanging around the church picnics to find a “decent guy” which is just *way* too boring for you. Also, your life is just too hard to face without a little pick me up, a drink, a cigarette, a snort. You can’t go cold turkey.
That’s the trouble with a lot of people who are stuck searching for a beach when they’re in the mountains. They just can’t get it through their minds that there’s something else. It’s one extreme or another. Bar slut or convent. Horrific life or drug-induced haze. Abusive husband or lonely spinster. 60 pounds overweight or eating nothing but tofu again. It’s one or the other. There’s no middle ground. Nothing else exists.
Those extremes don’t work, is the problem. And you keep looking for what you want in places that just don’t have it. If you have a craving for potato chips, all the ice cream in the world isn’t going to help you. If you want a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, all the one-night stands in the world aren’t going to help you. If you want a life that’s worth living, drugs are not going to help you.
If life isn’t working for you, figure out what you want and go for that in some new and different way, because what you’re doing right now isn’t working.
It’s the same way for other things – sex, relationships, drugs. Just like bad habits can give you something you need, you can search for this vague something in all the wrong places and never get it, just get distracted.
One of the definitions of insanity (okay, not an official definition) is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and in the morning go home never to hear from him again. Okay, that guy wasn’t Prince Charming, but Prince Charming must be out there somewhere, right? So, next weekend, you go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and then get surprised when in the morning you go home to never hear from him again. And people will do this not just a few times and then wise up. They’ll repeat this for years.
Drugs work the same way. “Getting drunk yesterday didn’t help my problems, but maybe it’ll work today.” “It’s not that getting high didn’t do me any good. I just wasn’t high for long enough.” Yes, there’s a physical component to the addiction, but that’s getting to be really well known, and there are places you can go for help. But people won’t get help until it’s horribly too late or just plain horrible because they think that they just didn’t quite get it right. No, what you didn’t get right is thinking that doing the same thing would get different results.
So what do you do? Something different. But how? You’re too good looking and too young to be hanging around the church picnics to find a “decent guy” which is just *way* too boring for you. Also, your life is just too hard to face without a little pick me up, a drink, a cigarette, a snort. You can’t go cold turkey.
That’s the trouble with a lot of people who are stuck searching for a beach when they’re in the mountains. They just can’t get it through their minds that there’s something else. It’s one extreme or another. Bar slut or convent. Horrific life or drug-induced haze. Abusive husband or lonely spinster. 60 pounds overweight or eating nothing but tofu again. It’s one or the other. There’s no middle ground. Nothing else exists.
Those extremes don’t work, is the problem. And you keep looking for what you want in places that just don’t have it. If you have a craving for potato chips, all the ice cream in the world isn’t going to help you. If you want a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, all the one-night stands in the world aren’t going to help you. If you want a life that’s worth living, drugs are not going to help you.
If life isn’t working for you, figure out what you want and go for that in some new and different way, because what you’re doing right now isn’t working.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)