You may just not want to give up all of your bad habits. One of the reasons that we keep bad habits around is because they comfort us. Not all of them do, of course, but some of them had a very good reason for being started. A cigarette so you have a good excuse to get out of the madhouse. A bowl of ice cream on those lonely nights. A racist joke that gets you attention and sometimes laughs. Most bad habits were started for a reason, whether you knew it or not, and to deprive you of them would be cruel…to a degree.
What’s the true cruelty is depriving you of what the bad habit gives you – a reprieve from the family, a reprieve from thinking about your loneliness, attention that you just can’t seem to get somehow else. If only there was some way you could get the benefit without the cost – damage to your health or reputation. There may be. In most people’s lives there is. Not for everyone, but for most. In those cases, what do you do?
First and foremost, you try everything you can in order to get the benefit without the cost. You find a different reason to step out of the house (lawn work, taking out the garbage, walking the dog), or a different way to ease the loneliness (volunteering, reading, church group, on-line chat rooms (this is assuming that if you could just join some interesting social group, you would have already)), or a different way to get attention (excellence of work, jokes that aren’t offensive, tidbits of news or bizarre facts). And if you can’t for whatever reason (trust me, we can play “what if” forever), then you reduce the bad habit as much as you can.
Find the longest lasting cigarette you can and smoke only one of them when you go out. Eat fat free ice cream or only half a bowl instead of a full bowl (or leave off the sprinkles). Tell only one racist joke as you talk and only if you have nothing else to say rather than letting it be everything you say. Get what you need, but do the least amount of damage to yourself as you can, and always keep searching for something else that can give you what you need in a healthier fashion than what you’ve currently got.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Bad Habits and Cold Turkey
Some people swear by going cold turkey. They believe that the best and perhaps only way to kick a bad habit is to stop it dead in its tracks and just never do it again. That’s great for them, but it doesn’t work for most people, at least not right away. If you’re one of the people who can just stop smoking with no side effects and no substitutions, that’s great. For the rest of us, here’s another idea.
Last post suggested that you substitute a good habit in place of your bad habit in order to get rid of it, not leave a void. The next suggestion is to reduce the void so that when you do quit “cold turkey”, you don’t have quite as much of a void to avoid as before.
To continue our example of the two donuts, to gradually kick the habit, you can go down to one donut or a donut and a half. Bakeries probably won’t sell you half a donut, but you can buy it and not eat half or save half for dessert after lunch. In an office setting, as long as you cut the donut with a knife and touch only the half you’re taking, you should be fine (unless it’s a filled donut, that gets messy).
Once you are okay with a donut and a half, you can drop yourself down to one donut. If the leap from one donut to no donuts is too large, then you can switch to a muffin or a bagel instead. Or you can buy a bag of mini donuts and eat just one of those and give the rest away before they get too stale. You’ll also get a reputation as generous in the bargain.
The trick is to get your habit so small that it’ll be easy to go from it to nothing. That’s where the cold turkey part comes in. If you don’t want to substitute, make your habit small enough you can quit it cold turkey.
Last post suggested that you substitute a good habit in place of your bad habit in order to get rid of it, not leave a void. The next suggestion is to reduce the void so that when you do quit “cold turkey”, you don’t have quite as much of a void to avoid as before.
To continue our example of the two donuts, to gradually kick the habit, you can go down to one donut or a donut and a half. Bakeries probably won’t sell you half a donut, but you can buy it and not eat half or save half for dessert after lunch. In an office setting, as long as you cut the donut with a knife and touch only the half you’re taking, you should be fine (unless it’s a filled donut, that gets messy).
Once you are okay with a donut and a half, you can drop yourself down to one donut. If the leap from one donut to no donuts is too large, then you can switch to a muffin or a bagel instead. Or you can buy a bag of mini donuts and eat just one of those and give the rest away before they get too stale. You’ll also get a reputation as generous in the bargain.
The trick is to get your habit so small that it’ll be easy to go from it to nothing. That’s where the cold turkey part comes in. If you don’t want to substitute, make your habit small enough you can quit it cold turkey.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Bad Habits and Addictions
Habits you can’t control are addictions. Smoking is a great example. If you always light up after a meal (or sex), and you get anxious if you can’t, that’s an addiction. Even if you’ve had a cigarette just before you ate and still have plenty of nicotine in your system, if you need another cigarette after the meal simply because it is after the meal, then you have an addiction. And addictions, my friend, will control your Future whether you want them to or not.
Because addictions insist on being a part of your Future, no matter what else is there. They will crowd out other things and take their “rightful” place in your Future unless you kick them out of your life. If you want to create your Future, then do so. Be forewarned that your addictions are creating parts of it, too.
How do you get rid of a bad habit or an addiction? The same way you got into it – you create a habit. If your addiction is partially physical, such as with the nicotine in tobacco, or with alcohol, or with other drugs, then you may need to get some physical help. Get that help while at the same time you create your habit of not doing whatever it is you’re kicking out of your life.
If your habit is to eat two donuts every morning, give yourself something else to do. Do not try to just stop and not fill the void. A void is a powerful thing, and it will call to you, beckoning to you to refill it with your old habit because that’s what you’ve done in the past. You have to fill that void with something else, create a new habit. For some, you could jog instead. The endorphins released by jogging may give you a sufficient boost you don’t need the sugar from the donuts. Or you could eat something else, something satisfying in a different way. I do not suggest carrot or celery sticks unless you really, really love them. Try fruit or yogurt or toast with jelly, something that will give your sweet tooth a bit of a taste yet still be better for you than the donuts.
It could be that you get the donuts for some other reason than a sugar high or a sweet tooth. Maybe you eat two donuts every morning because you stop off at the bakery or diner each morning, and that’s what you order. Change your order. Find something else that they sell that you like. Or, if you really want to get nuts, don’t go there. That could be really tough, because you may have friends there that you chat with, or the smells are so good as you walk past it. It’ll get easier, though, every time you do this new thing, the new habit instead of the old. Each time you make the change, you reinforce the habit, just like you did every time you ate the donuts. And you know how strong habits can be. Make them work for you instead of against you.
Because addictions insist on being a part of your Future, no matter what else is there. They will crowd out other things and take their “rightful” place in your Future unless you kick them out of your life. If you want to create your Future, then do so. Be forewarned that your addictions are creating parts of it, too.
How do you get rid of a bad habit or an addiction? The same way you got into it – you create a habit. If your addiction is partially physical, such as with the nicotine in tobacco, or with alcohol, or with other drugs, then you may need to get some physical help. Get that help while at the same time you create your habit of not doing whatever it is you’re kicking out of your life.
If your habit is to eat two donuts every morning, give yourself something else to do. Do not try to just stop and not fill the void. A void is a powerful thing, and it will call to you, beckoning to you to refill it with your old habit because that’s what you’ve done in the past. You have to fill that void with something else, create a new habit. For some, you could jog instead. The endorphins released by jogging may give you a sufficient boost you don’t need the sugar from the donuts. Or you could eat something else, something satisfying in a different way. I do not suggest carrot or celery sticks unless you really, really love them. Try fruit or yogurt or toast with jelly, something that will give your sweet tooth a bit of a taste yet still be better for you than the donuts.
It could be that you get the donuts for some other reason than a sugar high or a sweet tooth. Maybe you eat two donuts every morning because you stop off at the bakery or diner each morning, and that’s what you order. Change your order. Find something else that they sell that you like. Or, if you really want to get nuts, don’t go there. That could be really tough, because you may have friends there that you chat with, or the smells are so good as you walk past it. It’ll get easier, though, every time you do this new thing, the new habit instead of the old. Each time you make the change, you reinforce the habit, just like you did every time you ate the donuts. And you know how strong habits can be. Make them work for you instead of against you.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sink Reflections
Sink Reflections by Marla Cilley contains pretty much what's on the site flylady.net but in a format that's easier to read for people who don't like the internet. I recommend a read through. She advocates a "use what you want, leave the rest" philosophy to the book and to her website/group. There's a lot of useful information in that book, and you probably will find something of use to you, even if you don't use everything.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Habits, Part 1
Habits are tools and sometimes straightjackets. There are good habits, bad habits, inoffensive habits, obnoxious habits. Everyone has habits. A life without habits would be too difficult in the current world / society. I’m talking about more than just the skills you learn like walking and driving. These things take a lot of practice in order to do them on autopilot, just like habits, but skills are tools you can pick up and put down as you need them. Habits are more than that.
Habits start out either intentionally or unintentionally. By that, I mean that either you intend for them to be a habit or you don’t. And the lines of good versus bad habits aren’t the same as intentional versus unintentional, though intentional and good overlap by a great deal, as do bad and unintentional. Hmm, maybe I can clarify that a bit.
Most intentional habits are good habits to have – studying every Wednesday at 8, jogging in the mornings, bringing a bag lunch to work rather than ordering pizza. Most good habits were started because people wanted to start them. “I really should exercise more.” “I should eat better and lose some of this weight the doctor’s been on me about.” “I really want to do well in this class. I’d bet study.”
Likewise, most unintentional habits are bad, and many bad habits aren’t started intentionally. You just don’t realize they’re a habit until you try to stop. Smoking, eating while watching TV, gossiping are all examples.
But, you also have the unintentional good habits - brushing your teeth, wearing your seatbelt, things you learned as a kid without really thinking about them.
Unfortunately, some people also have intentional bad habits. Fortunately, I don’t know a whole lot of “bad” people, so examples aren’t popping into my head. But, I have great respect for the vastness of human creativity. I’m sure there are some people out there who have intentionally started a habit that hurts themselves or others.
But what does that have to do with creating your Future? Everything! In coming posts, I’ll explain.
Habits start out either intentionally or unintentionally. By that, I mean that either you intend for them to be a habit or you don’t. And the lines of good versus bad habits aren’t the same as intentional versus unintentional, though intentional and good overlap by a great deal, as do bad and unintentional. Hmm, maybe I can clarify that a bit.
Most intentional habits are good habits to have – studying every Wednesday at 8, jogging in the mornings, bringing a bag lunch to work rather than ordering pizza. Most good habits were started because people wanted to start them. “I really should exercise more.” “I should eat better and lose some of this weight the doctor’s been on me about.” “I really want to do well in this class. I’d bet study.”
Likewise, most unintentional habits are bad, and many bad habits aren’t started intentionally. You just don’t realize they’re a habit until you try to stop. Smoking, eating while watching TV, gossiping are all examples.
But, you also have the unintentional good habits - brushing your teeth, wearing your seatbelt, things you learned as a kid without really thinking about them.
Unfortunately, some people also have intentional bad habits. Fortunately, I don’t know a whole lot of “bad” people, so examples aren’t popping into my head. But, I have great respect for the vastness of human creativity. I’m sure there are some people out there who have intentionally started a habit that hurts themselves or others.
But what does that have to do with creating your Future? Everything! In coming posts, I’ll explain.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Commitment
There are a lot of people and businesses that clamor for your commitment - cell phone plans, employers, parents who think it's about time you chose a spouse and settled down, just to name a few. In my opinion, though, there's only one commitment you need to make in this life, and life is pretty useless without it. You need to commit to you.
If you're the martyr type, fine, put other people first on your list, so long as you are on that list. If you lie to everyone else, that's your choice, but don't lie to yourself. Don't give up on yourself. Don't try to be good to yourself and then declare it too hard and stop. Commit to being kind and loving to yourself, to making your life better. Commit to yourself, because until you do that, you don't have anything to commit to anyone else.
If you're the martyr type, fine, put other people first on your list, so long as you are on that list. If you lie to everyone else, that's your choice, but don't lie to yourself. Don't give up on yourself. Don't try to be good to yourself and then declare it too hard and stop. Commit to being kind and loving to yourself, to making your life better. Commit to yourself, because until you do that, you don't have anything to commit to anyone else.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Appreciation Day - June
For this month's appreciation day, I told the women's cancer support group how much they mean to me. It's wonderful to be able to go somewhere where people really "get it". My family has supported me and loved me very much, but for some things, you really need someone who's walked in your shoes.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
I Could Do Anything
I Could do Anything...if I Only Knew What It Was: How to discover what you really want and how to get it by Barbara Sher. This is a worthwhile book to read, and it will be very helpful to any of you who don't know what you want in your Future. It's more difficult to create a Future if you don't know what you want it to look like. This is the second time I've read it, and it's still of interest to me. The later chapters are each devoted to a different kind of "stuck", but it's worthwhile to read the entire book. Even if you're mainly a chapter 10, there could be bits of you in chapters 5 or 13 or any of the others. Or you may find someone you know and it could help you with dealing with them (and if you don't know a "rager", congratulations, that must be nice). One of the things I like about this book over the last one I reviewed is that this one contains exercises that help you discover what you really want as well as exercises to help you get over the block. The Tomorrow Trap only told you how to figure out what's blocking you. I Could Do Anything also tells you what to do about it. The only frustrating part about it is that the Success Teams discussed sound great, but there are none in my area, and I'm still a little too shy to create one of my own.
All in all, a good book.
All in all, a good book.
Friday, June 06, 2008
A Million Things
There are a million things in this universe you can have, and there are a million things you can’t have. It’s no fun facing that, but that’s the way things are – Captain Kirk, “Star Trek”
The glass is both half full and half empty. There are a million good things about this world and a million bad. Where's your head at, though? Seeing just the good but not the bad is looking through rose colored glasses. Seeing just the bad and not the good is pessimism at its worst. You need to see them both but focus on the positive. Why? Because seeing them both and focusing on the negative is a sucky way to live. Now, you're entitled to live your life any way you want, and if you want to throw your energy away into the unending abyss that is the negative portion of the world, that's your business. But if you want to build your Future, you just might want to keep a little bit of that energy for yourself.
Another "count your blessings" lesson? No. That's a great way to get yourself enough energy to begin getting out of the abyss, but it only takes you to the surface. If you want to soar, you've got to do a little bit more.
First, acknowledge that there are good things in the world and bad things. That's a tough lesson for some people. I have attracted some incredibly negative people into my life. I'm not sure how or why. Maybe everyone has them. But, these people believe that life sucks, their life in particular sucks, their past sucks, their present sucks, and everything in their future sucks, too. And don't even bother to try to talk them out of it. They'll just look at you sadly and shake their heads. "Another dupe," they think. They generally don't have good lives, mainly because they refuse to try to have a good life, even when it's within reach. To them, everything's a million to one shot - one million bad things to every one good.
Second, do what you can about the bad things and then let it go. You can't stop your neighbor from gossiping. You can't shorten your commute without changing your job or your home. There's a lot of things you just can't do anything about. And there's a lot of other things you can do some things about, but not enough to change them from bad to good, just from incredibly bad to merely bad.
Third, do what you want and what you can with the good things. Make them your focus. Over the weekend, you need to do the laundry, but that doesn't mean your whole weekend is shot. Yes, the guy in the cubicle next to yours is loud when he's making personal calls, but the rest of your job is great. Don't let laundry ruin your weekend, don't let your coworker ruin your job.
Keep your focus on the million things you can have in your Future, not on the million you can't. You can make a really sweet life with a million things.
The glass is both half full and half empty. There are a million good things about this world and a million bad. Where's your head at, though? Seeing just the good but not the bad is looking through rose colored glasses. Seeing just the bad and not the good is pessimism at its worst. You need to see them both but focus on the positive. Why? Because seeing them both and focusing on the negative is a sucky way to live. Now, you're entitled to live your life any way you want, and if you want to throw your energy away into the unending abyss that is the negative portion of the world, that's your business. But if you want to build your Future, you just might want to keep a little bit of that energy for yourself.
Another "count your blessings" lesson? No. That's a great way to get yourself enough energy to begin getting out of the abyss, but it only takes you to the surface. If you want to soar, you've got to do a little bit more.
First, acknowledge that there are good things in the world and bad things. That's a tough lesson for some people. I have attracted some incredibly negative people into my life. I'm not sure how or why. Maybe everyone has them. But, these people believe that life sucks, their life in particular sucks, their past sucks, their present sucks, and everything in their future sucks, too. And don't even bother to try to talk them out of it. They'll just look at you sadly and shake their heads. "Another dupe," they think. They generally don't have good lives, mainly because they refuse to try to have a good life, even when it's within reach. To them, everything's a million to one shot - one million bad things to every one good.
Second, do what you can about the bad things and then let it go. You can't stop your neighbor from gossiping. You can't shorten your commute without changing your job or your home. There's a lot of things you just can't do anything about. And there's a lot of other things you can do some things about, but not enough to change them from bad to good, just from incredibly bad to merely bad.
Third, do what you want and what you can with the good things. Make them your focus. Over the weekend, you need to do the laundry, but that doesn't mean your whole weekend is shot. Yes, the guy in the cubicle next to yours is loud when he's making personal calls, but the rest of your job is great. Don't let laundry ruin your weekend, don't let your coworker ruin your job.
Keep your focus on the million things you can have in your Future, not on the million you can't. You can make a really sweet life with a million things.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Options
Thinking things over yourself is a good idea. Relying on your own judgement and your own opinions about your life is important. But, you have to check out what other people think, even if you don't agree, even if you don't follow what they say. Because other people don't think the way you do and don't see a situation the same way you do, which gives you more options than you ever knew you had.
When you have a problem, you can get locked into a set of solutions. Do I go to college or get a job first? Do I quit my job or continue to suffer? Do I go on an extreme diet or get surgery? And you can think that this is good, that you're mulling over your options, that you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself. But, ask another's opinion, too. They may surprise you.
Go to college or get a job? Why not part time at both? How about the military? How about joining the Peace Corps? Perhaps you could backpack across Canada for a year while figuring out what you really want.
Quit your job or continue to suffer? Why is your job causing you so much grief? Why is it that important? Get something else important in your life so that your job becomes more tolerable. Or set a quitting date in the future. It's a lot easier to bear a burden when you know it's going to end at a definite time. Or transfer to somewhere else in your company. Or get yourself fired and collect unemployment (not a great option, but it is most likely an option you haven't thought of).
Extreme diet or surgery? How about you take the money you were going to spend on the surgery and hire a personal trainer instead. Or take the money and buy yourself a fantastic wardrobe that looks great on you at your current size. Or accept that you're not going to get to your target weight in the next year, give yourself an extra year's grace period, and go on a more moderate diet. Or if someone's giving you that ultimatum (someone other than your doctor, that is), dump the bum. Go find yourself someone who appreciates you or go it alone for a while.
There are more options than you might think out there. Your Future has infinite possibilities. Don't limit yourself.
When you have a problem, you can get locked into a set of solutions. Do I go to college or get a job first? Do I quit my job or continue to suffer? Do I go on an extreme diet or get surgery? And you can think that this is good, that you're mulling over your options, that you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself. But, ask another's opinion, too. They may surprise you.
Go to college or get a job? Why not part time at both? How about the military? How about joining the Peace Corps? Perhaps you could backpack across Canada for a year while figuring out what you really want.
Quit your job or continue to suffer? Why is your job causing you so much grief? Why is it that important? Get something else important in your life so that your job becomes more tolerable. Or set a quitting date in the future. It's a lot easier to bear a burden when you know it's going to end at a definite time. Or transfer to somewhere else in your company. Or get yourself fired and collect unemployment (not a great option, but it is most likely an option you haven't thought of).
Extreme diet or surgery? How about you take the money you were going to spend on the surgery and hire a personal trainer instead. Or take the money and buy yourself a fantastic wardrobe that looks great on you at your current size. Or accept that you're not going to get to your target weight in the next year, give yourself an extra year's grace period, and go on a more moderate diet. Or if someone's giving you that ultimatum (someone other than your doctor, that is), dump the bum. Go find yourself someone who appreciates you or go it alone for a while.
There are more options than you might think out there. Your Future has infinite possibilities. Don't limit yourself.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Self Respect
Life is easier if you respect yourself. Creating your Future is easier if you don't have those nagging voices in your head. How do you respect yourself? Two simple (but not easy) steps:
1. See what people do that causes you to respect them.
2. Do those things yourself.
Doing anything other than this is living a double standard. If you respect people who keep their word, then keep your word. If you respect people who are kind to others, be kind to others.
The same goes for the opposites. If you don't respect people who do certain things, then don't do them. Some obvious ones: gossip, lie, beat others or animals.
It's easier to get respect from others if you respect yourself first. A lot easier. And if you have others' respect (as opposed to their fear or their love), then creating your Future is that much easier, too.
1. See what people do that causes you to respect them.
2. Do those things yourself.
Doing anything other than this is living a double standard. If you respect people who keep their word, then keep your word. If you respect people who are kind to others, be kind to others.
The same goes for the opposites. If you don't respect people who do certain things, then don't do them. Some obvious ones: gossip, lie, beat others or animals.
It's easier to get respect from others if you respect yourself first. A lot easier. And if you have others' respect (as opposed to their fear or their love), then creating your Future is that much easier, too.
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