Inertia (self-perception)

I don’t like to consider myself an angry person. Anger was an emotion that only my father was allowed to feel, back in my childhood home. I didn’t like what anger did to him, and I did my best throughout my life not to be angry. And if I was angry, I didn’t show it, sometimes not even to myself. But I do get angry, both legitimately and illegitimately. But what does that mean? Who gets to decide legitimate anger? My definition of legitimate anger has expanded quite a bit throughout time. I’ll save that for another post. But still, I don’t like to think of myself as an angry person.

I used to think of myself as someone who could handle anything, someone very much “go with the flow”. What that translated into was “doormat”. I’m working on that one, but I still like to feel that I am an open-minded person with few prejudices. Uh huh. I have prejudices. I don’t like being reminded of them, though.

Journaling is something that’s been suggested to me by professionals, either through mindfulness classes or support groups or books, but it’s not something I keep going for any length of time. I pick it up now and again, but I drop it readily now. Back when I was still fooling myself about how I felt and what I thought, I wrote in my journal on a much more regular basis. But now that I know myself better, now that I’m no longer lying to myself about what does or doesn’t hurt, about whether or not I feel anger, about whether or not something upsets me, I don’t journal very much any more. If I’m going to lie, I may as well write fiction. If I’m going to talk about someone else, I may as well blog. To journal honestly, I’m going to have to take a look at myself, and my self perception might not match with reality.

That’s another of inertia’s weapons – self perception, closely tied into pride. There are dark spots in everyone’s souls that they just don’t want to peer into very closely. For me, journaling shines a light into those spots. For others, it may be something else. Someone might not exercise because doing so would remind him that he isn’t young any more, that he doesn’t have a 20-year-old’s body any longer. Someone might not try out a sculpting or acting class, because she’s brilliant in her own head and doesn’t want the possibility of seeing something else when doing these things in real life. For others, starting something isn’t the problem. Ending something is. If she stops all her volunteer work, she’ll have to stay home more often with her husband, and she doesn’t want to see that that’s not something she wants to do. Inertia works both ways – it’s the continuation of your level of motion, whether that be not at all or way too much.

Inertia (pride and difficulty)

I like to write. I’ve written quite a bit. No, I’ve never been published, but that’s not the point of my writing. I write things I enjoy reading and things I enjoy writing. Some people don’t see the point of that. Why write if you’re not going to get published? Not every hobby has to make money. Some hobbies are their own rewards.

So, why don’t I write more often? It’s not as easy as a computer game. While exercising has an emotional investment, writing involves two other of inertia’s weapons – pride and difficulty. I write in phases. It used to be poems, then it was short stories, now it’s novellas. I’m going to use novellas (mini-novels) as the example, but it works with any kind of writing.

Writing a good novella is not easy. Writing any novella is, but my pride would prefer that I write a good one. It’s simple to do – you put words onto paper. But, doing it well is not that easy. And I want to do it well. One of the reasons I write is so I can go back and reread it later, and who wants to read something that’s written poorly? Especially if it’s something I’ve written myself. I take pride in my ability to write. I’ve been doing it for decades. It’s something I think I’ve gotten pretty good at. I have a large vocabulary. I have a decent knowledge of grammar. (Yes, I know that two sentences ago I ended a sentence with a preposition.) I can construct an okay plot and somewhat realistic characters. But it’s taken a lot of time and practice to get to this point, and my pride insists that I keep getting better. Getting better is difficult. Writing at this level of proficiency would not be hard. Rewriting the sort of things that I’ve already written would not be hard. But, there are new stories to tell, new plots to make, new characters to describe, and new pieces of fiction to complete. And my pride wants me to do it all well, but it’s not an easy thing to do.

Computer games or movies, on the other hand, are easy things to do, and I have little to no investment of my pride in them. That’s why they win too often. I’ve had more experience combating emotional investment and inertia than I have pride. This is a lesson I’m learning again right now.

Inertia (emotional investment)

It takes time and energy to start a new computer game. New rules to learn, time taken to play it, at least a little bit of concentration (at least for the games I enjoy). Some computer games eat up hours a day. So why don’t I take some time out to exercise or write or post on time or whatever?

It’s because of the emotional investment and the immediate gratification in return. I have no emotional investment in a new computer game or a murder mystery or a movie (usually). All I have to give it is time and attention. That’s not that difficult. On top of which, it immediately rewards me with fun and distraction, often laughter. It’s cotton candy, not nutritious, but sweet to eat. Exercise doesn’t give me an immediate rush. It’s work. And my mind is still free to think while I do it. And what does it think about? Well, I’m exercising, which means I’m trying to reshape my body and work off calories, which means my body isn’t right the way it is, which means my body is wrong, which reminds me of all the people who have told me I’m ugly or unattractive or plain just too fat, and why do I want to do something that’s constantly reminding me I’m fat, even if it is something that will cause me to become less fat, more shapely, and healthier? I’ve been on an exercise regimen that I’ve been following very faithfully for the past few years, despite those thoughts (except for the past horrific month). I keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to be “mindful” of my exercising some days, day dreaming about my favorite TV shows others. I still beat myself up on occasion about exercising – I should do it more often, I should use heavier weights, I should, I should, I should, I should, but really, those are mostly voices from my past, from others, and are judging and/or condemning, and I’ve been working for over a decade to disentangle myself from those kinds of voices, and I’m doing pretty well at it. So I do exercise, because the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term negatives, and because I’ve been doing it long enough that I see some results.

Now, I’ve done this in the past. There have been other exercise regimens that I’ve picked up and laid down, usually after a long period of time. So I have personal knowledge that if I keep going with my exercise routine, I would see results. But I had to try and “fail” time and again in order to get that knowledge, in order to have enough of a reason to fight the inertia that would keep me sleeping a little later rather than working out.

Right now, I’m going on about 4 weeks since I last exercised consistently. Tube feeding my cat was much more important than exercising. Taking care of my mourning and (as it turned out) dying second cat was much more important than exercising. Taking time for my own mourning for my two cats was more important, and right now, exercising while I have a bad cold would just exhaust me too much to go to work, which is more important than exercising. But I see the signs that if I don’t start back up again, inertia may decide that I won’t start up again, so it will be soon. While I’m sick, I’ll do just a little, but enough to keep me in the habit of doing something. And then I’ll add it back in slowly but surely. I was able to pick it back up after a long time off after my surgery two years ago. I can pick it back up after a mere month.

Inertia (prelude)

Perhaps I’ve written about this before, perhaps not. But, even if I have, it’s come up again my in own life, one of those lessons you have to learn and learn and learn until you learn it all. I’m not going to say “until you get it right”, because there really is no such thing. I did get it right. I got it right the first time I learned it, right enough to be able to get past the lesson and onto something else. I got it right the second time I learned it. And the third, and the fourth, and the fifth, throughout my life. It’s like math. You learn counting. Then addition. Then subtraction. Then multiplication. And so on and so on. Some people learn calculus. Some don’t. Some people learn quantum physics. Some don’t. I learned my lesson about inertia, and the later I had a new lesson about inertia to learn. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get it right. I do lapse. I do slide backwards, and on occasion I may need a refresher course, but I’m never in the same place as I was back when I got my first lesson. You never really start over. I know I’ve said that before, so I won’t go into that again.

Inertia, the tendency to stay in motion if you are in motion, or to stay still if you are still. It’s also the biggest reason why people stay on their duffs on the couch instead of doing something new that’s good for them. I could fill up a blog, much less a blog post, about all the things I know would be good for me to do but I just ain’t doing them. I’m there right now. I’ve been there for quite a while, but the recent deaths and now this cold I’ve got have put it into perspective for me. Illness has a tendency to do that for me, because I don’t feel like doing any of my normal distractions – going out with friends, computer games, reading. Because I’m not as distracted, my mind actually has time to bring forth those thoughts that have been sitting patiently in the back of my head, and a lot of them are about what I could do that would make my life a greater pleasure to live. It’s time again to take a few out from the “back room” of my mind, dust them off, and add them to my life. Each time I do, they stick for a while. Some stay for a very long time. It makes my life better when I do, but inertia causes me to stay put. Why? Well, let me think…
(to be continued)

Crisis and the Meaning of Life

I said in “Define Living” that a crisis is a lousy time to start thinking about the meaning of life. It’s a great time to think about the meaning of life, but a lousy time to start thinking about it.

A crisis is almost defined by having a good reason to panic. If there is not a good reason to panic, then it isn’t much of a crisis. Not to say that you would panic. After all, that wouldn’t do you any good. But since there is a reason to panic, you will probably be mentally distracted. Not to mention that you still have to deal with whatever caused the crisis in the first place. In short, you have a lot going on and a lot to think about.

It’s better to have some money saved up prior to needing to replace your car. It’s better to have a first aid kit on hand prior to slicing open your finger with a kitchen knife. It’s better to have a spare tire in your trunk prior to getting a flat. And it’s better to think about the meaning of life prior to having your world shaken. Having a definition of living can be a rock for you in times of trouble, even if that definition changes. It’s something you can hang on to for a while, like some people’s faith or friendships or family. It can help you weather the storm. Have just a start so that your mind has a touchstone when it starts wondering “Why me? Why is this happening?” It can help.

Mid Life Crisis

In “Action Verb”, I talked about people hitting a mid life crisis and continuing to be brain dead. Too many people hit a certain age and realize that they aren’t “living” by their definition. The unfortunate thing is that they don’t really have a definition of “living”. They just don’t feel alive. However, they don’t know what their definition of “living” is, and they don’t want to bother with all that introspective crap when they’re in the middle of a crisis. Instead, they go the two major sources of “living” definitions that there are for people like that – the media and their youth.

The media is constantly bombarding us with images and messages saying that if we did this, bought that, used this, we’d have amazing and fun filled lives. If only we had a red convertible, we’d get the gorgeous blond, too. If only we used this deodorant, we’d have people flocking to us in the bars. If only we got a hair cut and manicure and new wardrobe, we’d be married in no time. And we want the excitement of new things and of dreams fulfilled, even if they’re only fantasies and not really plans for our Future. So, we fall into the trap. But it doesn’t work, because it’s still someone else’s definition of living. But, like a drug, people don’t realize that it’s not working. They think they just don’t have enough of it. So they take trips or get a second car or find a hot young lover that is willing to help us throw away our money. The media has a definition of living that works for only some people. If you buy into their definition without seeing if it works for you, you’ll be no better off than you were two years ago.

People also think back to the last time they felt alive, and for many that was in their late teens and early twenties. So, they try to “recapture their youth” without thinking about whether or not that is still appropriate for them at their present place in life. Getting drunk every night or staying out until 6 am may have been a lot of fun for you then, but things are different for you now. You don’t live with six other people in a run down place with the nice drug dealer next door. You don’t have the job in the copier store or the fast food joint where you go into work at 2 in the afternoon. You also don’t have the same metabolism as you used to or as low of a balance on your credit card. Or any other of a dozen differences between your life at 20 and your life at 40. Living is different for a person throughout your life, and while it is a pain in the butt to have to redefine it now and again, repairing the damage done from your midlife crisis will be a bigger pain in the butt if you don’t.

Don’t ruin your Future by insisting on dragging your past with you.

Define Living

How do you define living? Have you ever defined living? A lot of the most radical people have defined it. Some of the most radical people haven’t and are merely reacting. Reacting is an action verb, like living, but it isn’t quite living. So what is living?

You put some people in a 40-hour-a-week desk job, and they will thrive. Some will trudge along sullenly. Some will outright rebel. For some people, that is part of the definition of living. For some it is part of the definition of death. My definition of living includes walks outdoors and reading. And friends. Most definitely friends. Yours may not. But if my definition and your definition are different, then how do you know if you’re living? That’s kinda my point. Or rather, that’s almost exactly my point.

You have to figure out what living means to you, preferably before a crisis, because a crisis is a really lousy time to start thinking about the meaning of life. People can get a little crazy around a crisis, and we shouldn’t all get crazy at the same time. What is necessary for your life? Is it comfort? Creativity? Novelty? Friends? Solitude? Security? Risk? Family? What makes you feel alive inside? What makes your eyes dance and your breathing easy and free? Figure out what makes you alive rather than merely surviving, and bring more of it into your Future. Create a Living Future, for you deserve that.

Another Death

Two weeks after I put down my female cat, I had to put down my male cat. He also had a mass in his abdomen, but one of a different type. Putting him down was both easier and harder than putting down her. It was easier because I had already made the choice once wit a previous pet and because I had heard him screaming in pain, while with her, she was the first pet for whom I’d ever had to make that decision and she sulked a lot and didn’t display her pain as vividly. It was harder because I loved him more. She was my pet, and I loved her, but he was my baby boy and always will be. They’re better off now, and I’m not, but that’s sometimes what you have to do. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself, and sometimes you have to take care of others. As much as I wanted to keep them around, doing so would be cruel.

Loving

So, how do you love someone? In that famous poem that a whole lot of high school students know the first and second lines to, and a sprinkling of others know the rest, the poet talked about the expanse of her emotions, but not about what she does that is the verb “love”. Love is a verb as well as an emotion, and it’s the verb I’m talking about today.

I loved my husband when I stayed up late to take him to work, even though I ended up dog tired at my own job the next day. I love my parents when I write them every month, even if I don’t have anything to say, other than “love you”. I love my friends when I invite them over to my place to hang out and play games and talk. I love my cats when I take care of them, feeding them, giving them medicine, doing my damnedest to make her well again, and letting her go when I needed to. I love myself when I set up exercise routines and clean the house so that it’s healthy for me, and when I am very gentle with myself during the rough times and let those things slide for a little while.

I have been loved by my friends who drove me to the vet and stayed with me when my cat died. I have been loved by my brother and sister-in-law when they invited me over for my first Christmas alone. I have been loved by my parents when they told me sincerely that I could always live with them for a while or a long time if that’s what I needed. I have been loved by pets throughout my life, by lovers and a husband, and by many friends both here and gone by their actions and their words and their presence.

Love yourself with your emotions, your thoughts, and most importantly your actions. Practice on others if you have to first. Practice on yourself if you have to first. But create more loving actions in your life, and your Future will be more loving in both feelings and deeds.

This Year You Write Your Novel

This Year You Write Your Novel by Walter Mosley. I have a very good vocabulary, better than most of my friends, as good as the rest. When I hit the third word I didn’t know in the book, I stopped. How good could a book on writing be when the author doesn’t know how to make his own book readable by the majority of his target audience?

Action Verb

Living is an action verb. Pretty much anything that ends in “ing” is an action verb. We are human beings. We are humans who are actualizing the verb “to be”. We are being. Whether or not we are living is up for debate. If we are being, then we are most likely surviving, but surviving is not living. Surviving is a requirement for living, but it is not sufficient. Walking, talking, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching, are all things that enhance living, but none of them are necessarily essential for living. Living as many different definitions, but not as many as there are humans on the earth, which is a sad thing.

A lot of people go through life living without defining what that is for them. They get up, go to work, come home, mow the lawn on Saturdays, do their laundry on Sundays and their shopping on Wednesdays because that’s when the coupons are doubled at the local store. Is that sufficient for them for living? Many people don’t bother looking at it or defining it until they hit 40 or so and we get the almost cliché “mid life crisis”. There is no crisis. You just realized that you hadn’t bothered defining “living” and thus aren’t doing it by your alleged definition. Most “mid life crisis” people borrow their definition of “living” from the media or their early 20s. Yet another brain dead short cut. More on that later.

Loving is another great action verb. “I love him” or “I love her”. What does that mean? For most people, it means that you feel the emotion of love for that person, and that’s it. Love is a verb, and loving is an action verb. “I am loving him” is inaccurate for a lot of relationships, which is why they fail. If you can accurately say, “I am loving my partner” in addition to “I love my partner”, then you’re doing great. More on that later.

Live is meant to be lived using action verbs. Swimming, thinking, contemplating, loving, shopping, reading, meditating, playing, dancing – all these things are actions that can fill your life with living. Pick a few of them, or all of them, and a whole lot more, and fill up your Future.

Death and the Muppets

There’s a song in “Muppets Take Manhattan” (a movie) called “Saying Goodbye”. In it, Scooter says, “Saying goodbye, why is it sad? It makes us remember all the good times we had.”

Someone should drop-kick Scooter. Idiot.

The past is not more important than the present. Having memories of your friends is not as important as being with your friends right now. He’s one of those people who’ll be happiest when he’s 95 years old and sitting in a rocking chair looking at pictures of 70 years ago, enjoying those times more than he had when he was actually living them. Idiot.

Having memories and enjoying past times with your loved ones matter. But don’t forget to enjoy the present, too. Living in the past is as destructive to you as living in the future. You live now. Living is an action verb, like swimming and walking and loving. Live now, because no matter where your head is, now becomes then very quickly.

Dead

A week and two days ago, I put my cat down. She was very, very sick, in a lot of pain, and had about a week to live. It was the most merciful thing I could have done. It was also the hardest. I miss her, and my home seems emptier without her in it. I believe in reincarnation in humans, and I will most likely be on earth again. I hope that in between lives, I’ll be able to spend some time with her.