Volunteering at a charity is a wonderful thing, when you don’t overdo it. Unfortunately, there are some charities and volunteer coordinators who won’t say “that’s enough, you need a break”. You’ll have to do it yourself. And those people may even try to manipulate you into staying longer than you agreed to, longer than you can, on days you had other plans, and so on and so on. They’ll give you more and more to do until you say “enough”, and even then they might not listen.
Obviously this doesn’t apply to all or even most charities or volunteer organizations. But it does apply to some. How can you tell? They ask you to stay longer or say that you have to because someone else cancelled. You’re their first and sometimes only call in a crisis. They give you very little notice about something they need. They expect you on certain days, even when you haven’t agreed to it. They demand to know what you’re doing with your time when you’re not there, so that they can judge whether or not that’s a “good enough” reason for you to not be working for them. They try to talk you out of your plans in order to do things for them. They yell at you, argue with you, call you insensitive to the needs of the people their helping, call you selfish. If they do any of these things, they are manipulating you. Guilting, cajoling, coercing, convincing, demanding, call it whatever you want. They are manipulating you. And you don’t have to stand for it.
Is the cause worthwhile? Yes. Does it need volunteers? Yes. Does that volunteer need to be you? NO. And that’s what you need to say to them – no. If they want to know what else you’re doing, don’t tell them. If they try to pressure you, leave or hang up. You don’t deserve this. It’ll be tough. Some of these manipulators are amazingly difficult to say no to. But you’re worth it. You and your Future are worth the time to yourself or doing other things.
If you’re caught in that trap, take a look at what’s going on. How are you being manipulated? If they’re calling you at the last minute, screen your phone calls. Get caller ID or an answering machine and don’t answer if it’s them. If when you get there they ask you to stay late, have someone else pick you up, and tell the charity coordinator that you can’t stay because your ride is here. Or stop going to the charity and just do things at special events or from afar. If they keep giving you things to do, say no. If you’ve said no in the past and they’ve ignored it, ignore their ignoring it. You’ve said no, and if they don’t want to believe it, that’s tough. It is their responsibility, not yours once you’ve said no. What if they walk away before you get a chance to say no? Or talk so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise. Leave it on the desk with a note saying “I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you that I can’t do this right now.” That’s all the explanation you need to give. Leave a message on their voicemail, too, and perhaps their e-mail, to make certain they get that note in time.
There are thousands of worthy causes out there, if not hundreds of thousands, and you cannot help them all. Worst case scenario, if you absolutely cannot set boundaries with someone at that charity, leave. There are other worthy causes, other charities, other committees. Give your time to someone who will appreciate it, who will appreciate you. There are even ways to volunteer vitually, for an organization tens or hundreds of miles away. Some of you are in small towns or small communities where all of the worthy causes are presided over by one or two very bossy people, and to give your time at all is to subject yourself to one of them. Don’t do it. While the causes are worthwhile, so are you.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. You need the time as well as the charity. You might not know why you are on this earth or what you are capable of if you gave it a shot. You may write the world’s most inspirational novel or raise the next Martin Luther King, Jr., or start a ripple effect of peace and harmony starting with you, your home, your neighborhood, and beyond. You need some time to find out what is your best purpose, the best way you can create the Future you want. You need to go where your heart and soul pull you, not where someone else pushes you.
Give of yourself, but don’t give away yourself, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re probably in the latter. You are meant for great things, to create a wondrous Future. Don’t give that away, no matter how good the cause.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Spiritual Rejuvenation
Because there are so many different religions and spiritual practices, spiritual rejuvenation is a difficult thing to generalize. So below are some suggestions. Take what works for you, ignore the rest.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Volunteer – this works for nearly every spiritual belief system, including atheism and agnosticism. Volunteering helps you take your mind off your own troubles by showing you people who have it worse off than you. And, as a bonus, you get the good feelings of helping another person. Sometimes several people. Even if this doesn’t brighten up your soul or rack up some points to help you out at the Pearly Gates (depending on your beliefs), it can give you a sense of self satisfaction and perhaps moral superiority (if you want it). Not over the people you’re helping, of course, but over all those millions of other people who are in a position to help their fellow human, but don’t.
Take a walk outdoors in nature. Not just outside, but out in nature. A walk down main street in a busy city will not do nearly as much for you as walking through the woods or down a country lane or through a meadow or along the shore. You can wonder in the beauty of God’s creation, greet all of the spirits in every rock and tree, or just enjoy the cleaner air and the feeling of space away from the crowds in the urban or shopping areas.
Listen to spiritual or inspirational music. I am pagan, but I was raised Catholic, and I still find the sounds of a choir to be very uplifting, provided they’re in person. On the television or on the radio do not provide the same feeling of joy and spiritual gratitude that accompany a choir in person. Even though I no longer believe what they are singing in the details, we are both worshipping a higher power that created us all, and their joy and worship of that is sharing enough for me to enjoy.
Meditate (or something like it). I find it difficult to relax long enough to make meditation work for me, but I know that it works wonders for others. The basics of it is you quiet your mind and emotions down or at least separate yourself from them a little bit so that you can retouch the inner peace that never leaves you, but that you can’t always feel. Some people achieve this through taking a long hot bubble bath, and others find the same effect in gardening. Whatever it takes for you to still your mind so that your soul can take over for a little bit, that’s what you can do.
Give thanks. Recite your blessings to yourself. Write a long overdue complimentary letter. Tell someone why you appreciate them. However you want to do it, acknowledge the good in your life.
Creation is so much easier when we rejuvenate. Stephen Covey told a story about a person trying to saw down a tree with a dull saw. But he was too busy sawing down the tree to bother with sharpening the saw, even though it would have been easier on him to take that moment and sharpen. Rejuvenation isn’t not doing what’s needed. It’s making you capable of doing what’s needed. You don’t not eat because you don’t have time (not for long). You don’t not breathe or drink or bathe (not for long). You do things to replenish yourself because you have to. You just need to realize that rejuvenating yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is another “have to”. Give yourself permission to rest, and your creation of the Future afterwards will be that much more effective – and fun.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Emotional Rejuvenation
I’ve been avoiding this post for a while. It’s a tough one for me to do. When I was a kid, my emotions got froze. I was allowed to be happy, but that was pretty much it. Sad was not allowed in our house, and only one person was allowed to be angry. The other emotions weren’t dealt with much at all. It’s taken a lot of work on my part to unfreeze myself, to allow myself to feel emotions without fear of retribution of vulnerability. Not that I wouldn’t be vulnerable, but not to fear that, to allow others in. So, talking about rejuvenating our emotions hits a sore spot for me. I still have a long way to go before I feel freely and allow myself to get hurt, because only by being that open can I allow myself to be loved and truly happy.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
You may have had a similar experience. You may even be in a similar situation right now (if you are, please get out of it). This may be as hard a post for you to read as it is for me to write. Or perhaps you have burned out. You have given and given and given; you’ve laid your heart on the table; and you have little to nothing to show for it. So, what do you do? Lock yourself up tight so no one can hurt you? Open yourself up to everyone, allowing every jerk to stomp your heart? There has to be a happy median, and that I’m still finding, figuring out, but what I’ve learned so far may be of help to you.
Living without emotions is like living without flavor. You can exist, you can eat, but you will never savor. Life is much duller without emotions. Living with your heart completely open is like going from a darkened room into brilliant sunlight. The brilliance of the light will hurt your eyes, but the warmth of the sun’s rays will warm you. It’s much more exciting with emotions, but too much excitement is draining.
If you’re trying to learn to live with emotions, start with the safest place – by yourself. Try happiness or joy first. Rent a funny movie, or borrow a funny book. There are a lot of comic strips that publish collections of the strips. Give yourself a reason to smile when you’re by yourself. If you need to cry but cannot cry for yourself, try Chicken Soup for the Soul. There are also a lot of stirring novels out there. Try the classics first – To Kill a Mockingbird, Little Women, Black Beauty. Children’s books? Perhaps, but childhood may be the last time you truly felt, and you need to speak to that part of yourself again, draw it back out, give it a place it can trust to feel. By yourself is the first and the last place you’ll face the path towards feeling again. Again, if you are in a place where your emotions are not allowed – which means that you are not allowed – get out if you can, and if you can’t, work your hardest to make it possible. You’re worth it.
If you’re trying to learn to live with too many emotions or too strong of emotions, you have a different sort of task ahead of you. The short term solution is to learn how to toughen yourself and to say no to those that would hurt you or tax you. Make certain that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. When you are tired, your emotions are more easily tapped. The longer term solution is to look inside yourself and see why you using emotions as a shield. Some people believe that life must be constantly dramatic to have any worth and thus play up every insult, every compliment, every everything in their lives to the fullest emotional extent. Why are you afraid of life being dull? Why are afraid of having a little bit of breathing time? What does your mind say to you when you don’t have an emotion to worry about? Some people feel that they are unworthy of anything in and of themselves, that they must give of themselves in order for people to value them. Some give to charities. Some give to users – vampires who look for victims willing to bleed for them, whether that blood be money, attention, love, or anything else. You have to realize that you are worthy, and you have to allow yourself to be alone. Alone is not a bad place to be. You needn’t be afraid of it. And you are worthy, no matter who said what to you in the past or just this morning. Once you know why you are using your heightened emotions as a shield, you can start figuring out how to no longer need a shield or how to use something less damaging to yourself.
And when you need some emotional rejuvenation, figure out if you need to inject some into you or to bleed some out to achieve the balance that rejuvenation gives you. To pour off some excess, either rant and rave or write a nasty letter that you burn up rather than send, or let is slowly seep out of you as you do something else, something physical that gives you release or mental that distracts you. If you need an injection, movies, books, going to the park on a sunny day, seeing babies laugh (it’s tough to not smile at them), or playing with fuzzy stuffed animals are all highly recommended.
Good luck, and if you learn something that I haven’t gotten down, please share it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What do you do with a woman/man/child/person with cancer?
What do you do with a woman with cancer? I am a cancer survivor, and I am a woman. Those are not all that I am, though. I am many, many other things. I am a blogger, a novelist, a wife, a college graduate. I am also fortunate that most of the people I know don’t see me as a woman with cancer or a cancer survivor. They see me as me and that’s all, but not all women are as lucky. If you are one of those people who looks at a woman in your life and sees a cancer victim/survivor/patient first, then this is what you should do.
You love her. Someone once said – I don’t remember who, but obviously he was very wise – that love is a verb. That love is an action word and that you don’t just feel love but you act it out. And that is what you must do with this woman with cancer. You verb her.
You treat her in a loving way. You do loving things for her. You demonstrate your love for her through your words and actions. Another good verb – respect. Respect is also an attitude, but it is a verb first. You respect that woman. You treat her with respect; you hold a respectful attitude towards her. You verb her, and that verb is respect.
What other verbs do you do? You give. You laugh with her. You help her. You allow her to help you. You listen to her. You leave her alone when she wants to be alone. You be with her when she wants company. (You do not become a slave to her or her whims. You have a life, too, but when you are helping her, when you are giving to her, this is what you do.) You go shopping with her. You plan for the future together. If she is willing and you are willing, you have sex with her and all the wonderful verbs that go along with it. You anticipate, enjoy, swim, and most importantly live with her.
You do not put her in her grave before she is ready. You do not treat her like a delicate porcelain doll that must be put on a shelf and not touched. You do not treat her like she’s in the hospital with an IV and oxygen tube, not on her good days when she’s walking down the street with a bounce in her step and a twinkle in her eye. Save those “treat her like an invalid” days for when she really is one.
Instead, you verb her. You verb her and verb her and verb her some more. And the most important of those verbs is LIVE. You live with her, and you let her live, too. As a woman, not just as a host for cancer.
What do you do with a man with cancer? Same thing. What do you do with a child with cancer? Same thing (minus the sex). What do you do with a person with cancer? Same thing. Love, respect, live, verb.
You love her. Someone once said – I don’t remember who, but obviously he was very wise – that love is a verb. That love is an action word and that you don’t just feel love but you act it out. And that is what you must do with this woman with cancer. You verb her.
You treat her in a loving way. You do loving things for her. You demonstrate your love for her through your words and actions. Another good verb – respect. Respect is also an attitude, but it is a verb first. You respect that woman. You treat her with respect; you hold a respectful attitude towards her. You verb her, and that verb is respect.
What other verbs do you do? You give. You laugh with her. You help her. You allow her to help you. You listen to her. You leave her alone when she wants to be alone. You be with her when she wants company. (You do not become a slave to her or her whims. You have a life, too, but when you are helping her, when you are giving to her, this is what you do.) You go shopping with her. You plan for the future together. If she is willing and you are willing, you have sex with her and all the wonderful verbs that go along with it. You anticipate, enjoy, swim, and most importantly live with her.
You do not put her in her grave before she is ready. You do not treat her like a delicate porcelain doll that must be put on a shelf and not touched. You do not treat her like she’s in the hospital with an IV and oxygen tube, not on her good days when she’s walking down the street with a bounce in her step and a twinkle in her eye. Save those “treat her like an invalid” days for when she really is one.
Instead, you verb her. You verb her and verb her and verb her some more. And the most important of those verbs is LIVE. You live with her, and you let her live, too. As a woman, not just as a host for cancer.
What do you do with a man with cancer? Same thing. What do you do with a child with cancer? Same thing (minus the sex). What do you do with a person with cancer? Same thing. Love, respect, live, verb.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Living
“I believe in Dead and in Living. I don’t believe in Dying.” – Terri
I have paraphrased that quote. I’m not entirely certain if that is the exact wording, but it’s the jist of what she meant. Until you are dead, you are still alive. There is no in-between state “dying”. And if you are living as though you are “dying”, then you are doing a pretty poor job of living. For as long as you are still alive, there is still something for you to do or to be, because you don’t have to do all the time. Sometimes, you need to be without doing. Call it meditation, letting go, letting be, or simply enjoying the day on a lazy summer hammock, there is importance in being. So, even if you are confined to bed, can’t move your arms, get too tired to stand for more than a minute, you can still Live. You can still Be, which is an important part of Living.
When you are Dying, you are focusing not on your life but on your death. Well, there’s not a whole lot you can do about your death. You can do your best to prevent it in certain situations like fighting back against an attacker or driving carefully on a slick road or simply not drinking the poison beneath the kitchen sink. You can do your best to promote it in other situations like taking a gun and shooting your head or driving drunk during a blizzard or smoking when you’re on an oxygen tank. But in each of these situations, you have control only over part of your death, not all of it. There are no actions you can take or not take to guarantee that you will die or not die. If you fight back when someone is attacking you, you increase the odds that you will live, but never to 100%. If you shoot yourself in the head, you will increase the odds that you will die, but never to 100%. There are people who have been shot in the head and still lived. A good number ended up in a coma, but they lived. No matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally when and how you will Die. And no matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally how you will Live. But the choices you make will affect the odds.
Live and Die soon, but first Dying. When you are Dying, you are focusing on your impending Death more so than everyone else around you. They, too, will die, but that’s not the focus of their lives, hence they are not Dying. But you, you would rather pay attention to your Death than to your Life. Why? Why would you do this? Make the funeral arrangements, prepare a will, give away those things that you want others to have, and do whatever else that needs to be done, but then stop! Prepare, and then stop. You do not have to focus your entire Life, however much of it remains, on your Death. There is too much else to do. Too much Dying is whining and complaining. Yes, you hurt, but do you also love? Do you state, “I love you” as often as you state, “I hurt so much”? Or are your words focused on the pain you have? Do you focus on what you won’t get to do rather than reminisce about what you have done? Do you lament and cry about how you won’t see certain people any more rather than enjoy them while they are still there? If you don’t enjoy them when they visit you, then why complain about not being able to see them again? You’re like the miser who buried his gold in the garden and went out every night to look at it. Thieves took it, and he cried and lamented, but a wise man passing by said, “Take a rock and bury it there. It will do you as much good as the gold did.” What he meant was use what time, energy, and resources you have rather than hoarding them or squandering them. If you don’t use your time to Live, then what’s the point? Why are you Dying, when there is still Life to be had?
Death is a mystery because we don’t know what’s on the other side. There are those who have come back from being brain dead for a short period of time, and they have interesting stories, but were they truly at final Death? And what was beyond what they said, if anything? And what about the other people who were brain dead for a short period of time, also lived, and yet didn’t have a “near-death” experience? Or at least one they can remember? Perhaps the blankness that they have in their memories is what will happen to them when they die – oblivion. Not a cheery thought, eh? But there are very few people on this earth who are certain about what happens after they die. If you believe there will be a judgment, then conduct your life in such a way as it turns out how you want. Otherwise, there’s not a whole lot you can do about Death and what comes after it. Let’s move on to something that we can do and be something about.
Life and Living are about two things – doing and being. There’s a t-shirt saying about two philosophers and Frank Sinatra. One philosopher said, “To do is to be.” Another philosopher said, “To be is to do.” Frank Sinatra said, “Do be do be do.” In my opinion, Sinatra got it right, even if that isn’t what he meant. Sometimes we try to outrun the way things are, the way we feel, what we think by doing. We try to use physical action to overcome emotional or mental activity. We distract ourselves with doing. But the way things are, the way we feel, and the things we think don’t go away. To get them to go away, you must first face them and acknowledge them. You must think the thoughts and feel the emotions and face the reality of what is. You don’t have to obsess over them, but you don’t get to hide from them. It’s like a really dusty closet, and doing is the door. As long as you do, you keep the door closed, and you don’t have to face the closet. This does not get the closet cleaned, however, nor does it make the closet not exist. You have to open the door (by no longer doing) and clean out the closet (by feeling, thinking, facing). But, don’t obsess. Just give it a good dusting and sweep the floor. Don’t paint it and haul out the shelf paper and buy all new padded hangars or a new shelving unit. Clean out the closet and stop. Feel, think, face, and stop. Will you have to feel, think, face these same things again? Probably. I have regrets from eighth grade that still blindside me every once in a while (thus proving that it is a whole lot easier for me to write this than to follow my own advice, but believe me, I have been feeling/thinking/facing a whole lot more lately than in the previous portion of my life, and things are working a whole lot better now). Your closet will get dusty again (as will mine). At that point, feel, think, and face. Don’t distract. And then move on. Go back to what you were doing before or something else if you have a different preference. Be fully with what you feel, think, and are, and let it be.
Being, however, does not encompass the entirety of life. There are things that need to be done. Sometimes, there are parts of your reality that you want to or need to change. First, be enough to face the portion of reality that you don’t like. Then, do enough to alter the reality into what you want it to be. Sometimes, what you want isn’t what’s best for you, and once you’ve done your way into a new reality, you may have to face it that you’ll need to figure out something else to do. In that case, try being with your reality and your wants and needs for a little longer than you were the previous time and see what truly appeals to you. This works with mundane things, too. You can accept the reality that your spouse or children did not do the dishes, but until you do something about that reality, the dishes won’t get done. Be, so you can see what needs to be done, then do to create a reality you truly want. In this way, you can give birth to a Future that is of your conscious choice, that truly reflects you.
I have paraphrased that quote. I’m not entirely certain if that is the exact wording, but it’s the jist of what she meant. Until you are dead, you are still alive. There is no in-between state “dying”. And if you are living as though you are “dying”, then you are doing a pretty poor job of living. For as long as you are still alive, there is still something for you to do or to be, because you don’t have to do all the time. Sometimes, you need to be without doing. Call it meditation, letting go, letting be, or simply enjoying the day on a lazy summer hammock, there is importance in being. So, even if you are confined to bed, can’t move your arms, get too tired to stand for more than a minute, you can still Live. You can still Be, which is an important part of Living.
When you are Dying, you are focusing not on your life but on your death. Well, there’s not a whole lot you can do about your death. You can do your best to prevent it in certain situations like fighting back against an attacker or driving carefully on a slick road or simply not drinking the poison beneath the kitchen sink. You can do your best to promote it in other situations like taking a gun and shooting your head or driving drunk during a blizzard or smoking when you’re on an oxygen tank. But in each of these situations, you have control only over part of your death, not all of it. There are no actions you can take or not take to guarantee that you will die or not die. If you fight back when someone is attacking you, you increase the odds that you will live, but never to 100%. If you shoot yourself in the head, you will increase the odds that you will die, but never to 100%. There are people who have been shot in the head and still lived. A good number ended up in a coma, but they lived. No matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally when and how you will Die. And no matter what you do, you cannot control completely and finally how you will Live. But the choices you make will affect the odds.
Live and Die soon, but first Dying. When you are Dying, you are focusing on your impending Death more so than everyone else around you. They, too, will die, but that’s not the focus of their lives, hence they are not Dying. But you, you would rather pay attention to your Death than to your Life. Why? Why would you do this? Make the funeral arrangements, prepare a will, give away those things that you want others to have, and do whatever else that needs to be done, but then stop! Prepare, and then stop. You do not have to focus your entire Life, however much of it remains, on your Death. There is too much else to do. Too much Dying is whining and complaining. Yes, you hurt, but do you also love? Do you state, “I love you” as often as you state, “I hurt so much”? Or are your words focused on the pain you have? Do you focus on what you won’t get to do rather than reminisce about what you have done? Do you lament and cry about how you won’t see certain people any more rather than enjoy them while they are still there? If you don’t enjoy them when they visit you, then why complain about not being able to see them again? You’re like the miser who buried his gold in the garden and went out every night to look at it. Thieves took it, and he cried and lamented, but a wise man passing by said, “Take a rock and bury it there. It will do you as much good as the gold did.” What he meant was use what time, energy, and resources you have rather than hoarding them or squandering them. If you don’t use your time to Live, then what’s the point? Why are you Dying, when there is still Life to be had?
Death is a mystery because we don’t know what’s on the other side. There are those who have come back from being brain dead for a short period of time, and they have interesting stories, but were they truly at final Death? And what was beyond what they said, if anything? And what about the other people who were brain dead for a short period of time, also lived, and yet didn’t have a “near-death” experience? Or at least one they can remember? Perhaps the blankness that they have in their memories is what will happen to them when they die – oblivion. Not a cheery thought, eh? But there are very few people on this earth who are certain about what happens after they die. If you believe there will be a judgment, then conduct your life in such a way as it turns out how you want. Otherwise, there’s not a whole lot you can do about Death and what comes after it. Let’s move on to something that we can do and be something about.
Life and Living are about two things – doing and being. There’s a t-shirt saying about two philosophers and Frank Sinatra. One philosopher said, “To do is to be.” Another philosopher said, “To be is to do.” Frank Sinatra said, “Do be do be do.” In my opinion, Sinatra got it right, even if that isn’t what he meant. Sometimes we try to outrun the way things are, the way we feel, what we think by doing. We try to use physical action to overcome emotional or mental activity. We distract ourselves with doing. But the way things are, the way we feel, and the things we think don’t go away. To get them to go away, you must first face them and acknowledge them. You must think the thoughts and feel the emotions and face the reality of what is. You don’t have to obsess over them, but you don’t get to hide from them. It’s like a really dusty closet, and doing is the door. As long as you do, you keep the door closed, and you don’t have to face the closet. This does not get the closet cleaned, however, nor does it make the closet not exist. You have to open the door (by no longer doing) and clean out the closet (by feeling, thinking, facing). But, don’t obsess. Just give it a good dusting and sweep the floor. Don’t paint it and haul out the shelf paper and buy all new padded hangars or a new shelving unit. Clean out the closet and stop. Feel, think, face, and stop. Will you have to feel, think, face these same things again? Probably. I have regrets from eighth grade that still blindside me every once in a while (thus proving that it is a whole lot easier for me to write this than to follow my own advice, but believe me, I have been feeling/thinking/facing a whole lot more lately than in the previous portion of my life, and things are working a whole lot better now). Your closet will get dusty again (as will mine). At that point, feel, think, and face. Don’t distract. And then move on. Go back to what you were doing before or something else if you have a different preference. Be fully with what you feel, think, and are, and let it be.
Being, however, does not encompass the entirety of life. There are things that need to be done. Sometimes, there are parts of your reality that you want to or need to change. First, be enough to face the portion of reality that you don’t like. Then, do enough to alter the reality into what you want it to be. Sometimes, what you want isn’t what’s best for you, and once you’ve done your way into a new reality, you may have to face it that you’ll need to figure out something else to do. In that case, try being with your reality and your wants and needs for a little longer than you were the previous time and see what truly appeals to you. This works with mundane things, too. You can accept the reality that your spouse or children did not do the dishes, but until you do something about that reality, the dishes won’t get done. Be, so you can see what needs to be done, then do to create a reality you truly want. In this way, you can give birth to a Future that is of your conscious choice, that truly reflects you.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Mental Rejuvenation
What do you do about mental exhaustion? How do you stop thinking? You’d think that watching some mindless TV would work, but people often end up even more tired after a few hours. Reading? Maybe, but reading the newspaper can increase mental activity, and reading fiction can sidetrack your mental abilities like TV does. It’s really a personal thing.
What you need to do is see what isn’t working for you. If you’re mentally exhausted, then what you’re currently doing is not working. There’s no point in saying “Look at what is working for you”, because if something was working for you, then you wouldn’t be mentally exhausted. So you have to take the back road to it.
What isn’t working? Do you currently spend your evenings watching TV, trying to unwind? Are you still mentally tired? Then watching TV all night doesn’t work for you, and you should do something else. But what?
Here are some things to try. Give each of them a decent try – a week at least. Remember, you have to overcome your previous exhaustion. It isn’t just going to go away as soon as you find something that works. It’ll take a little time. It’s like exercising. You don’t get six-pack abs or a finely sculpted calf after the first exercise session. It takes a little time. So, give each of those things a try. If they work for you, great. If not, try something else.
Watch TV. Be careful what you watch. News or dramas may depress you. Comedies could leave you feeling empty, like cotton candy for lunch. Sports could excite you after an already exciting day. If one doesn’t work, try something else.
Listen to music. Again, be careful what you choose. A lot of music is designed in order to evoke a mood or thought in you, and if you choose incorrectly, the wrong mood or thought could upset your attempts at relaxation.
Read. Again, take care what you read. Something too heavy could tax your mind. Something too light could not get your mind off its troubles.
Meditation.
Walking. Take your mind off everything with a walk, and not on a treadmill, but somewhere that the scenery changes, even if it is at a gym or the mall.
Puzzles or crafts or other hobbies that use your hands but not your mind, or at least not the part of your mind that you use for most of the day.
Creating, especially if your job is not at all creative.
If the main portion of your day is not creative, creativity may be what your mind needs at the end of your day. If the main portion of your day involves the creative portion of your mind, then relaxing that part may be exactly what you need.
You need to relax your mental muscles in order to get them up to full energy. For full energy, you need both times of stimulus and times of relaxation. Give them to yourself.
What you need to do is see what isn’t working for you. If you’re mentally exhausted, then what you’re currently doing is not working. There’s no point in saying “Look at what is working for you”, because if something was working for you, then you wouldn’t be mentally exhausted. So you have to take the back road to it.
What isn’t working? Do you currently spend your evenings watching TV, trying to unwind? Are you still mentally tired? Then watching TV all night doesn’t work for you, and you should do something else. But what?
Here are some things to try. Give each of them a decent try – a week at least. Remember, you have to overcome your previous exhaustion. It isn’t just going to go away as soon as you find something that works. It’ll take a little time. It’s like exercising. You don’t get six-pack abs or a finely sculpted calf after the first exercise session. It takes a little time. So, give each of those things a try. If they work for you, great. If not, try something else.
Watch TV. Be careful what you watch. News or dramas may depress you. Comedies could leave you feeling empty, like cotton candy for lunch. Sports could excite you after an already exciting day. If one doesn’t work, try something else.
Listen to music. Again, be careful what you choose. A lot of music is designed in order to evoke a mood or thought in you, and if you choose incorrectly, the wrong mood or thought could upset your attempts at relaxation.
Read. Again, take care what you read. Something too heavy could tax your mind. Something too light could not get your mind off its troubles.
Meditation.
Walking. Take your mind off everything with a walk, and not on a treadmill, but somewhere that the scenery changes, even if it is at a gym or the mall.
Puzzles or crafts or other hobbies that use your hands but not your mind, or at least not the part of your mind that you use for most of the day.
Creating, especially if your job is not at all creative.
If the main portion of your day is not creative, creativity may be what your mind needs at the end of your day. If the main portion of your day involves the creative portion of your mind, then relaxing that part may be exactly what you need.
You need to relax your mental muscles in order to get them up to full energy. For full energy, you need both times of stimulus and times of relaxation. Give them to yourself.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Physical Rejuvenation
Once you look at what is draining your energy, see how you can build your energy back up. It’s not unlike a boat with a hole in the bottom. Once you fix the hole (stop the energy drain), you can bail out the boat (get your energy levels up).
There are really 4 areas of life. The vast majority of life falls into these four categories. They are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Each of these can be an energy drain, and each of these can be an energy provider.
Physical
Do you get enough sleep? I don’t, but the reason I stay up the extra half hour is worth it to me emotionally and mentally. The reason I get up early is so that I can do what I want to do before my morning commute. I could possibly get another hour of sleep, if I didn’t exercise, eat breakfast, take care of my pets, or shower. Each of those things feeds me in some way, and I do not want to give them up for an extra bit of sleep – at least not most days. There are times that sleep becomes more important, at which point I choose what to eliminate or delay for that morning. Do you get enough sleep? Is what you’re staying up for worth the drain on your energy? Is what’s getting you up early worth the drain on your energy? If it’s a scheduled appointment or a regular meeting (even those with friends), can you reschedule it for a more convenient time? If you just can’t sleep at that time, can you shift the other end of your sleep to compensate? For example, if you just can’t get to bed before midnight, is there a way to adjust when you get up so that you get enough sleep?
There are other things that can affect your sleep. Even if you get eight hours worth of it, you may still not get quality sleep. Are there noises that bother you? Do you get up in the middle of the night? Does the morning sun keep waking you up earlier and earlier every spring? These things can be changed. Eliminate or deaden the noise or learn how to sleep wearing ear plugs. If you get up in the middle of the night, why? Is it to go to the bathroom? If so, stop drinking water or anything else at a set amount of time before you go to bed. If you need water to take pills or other medicine, of course do so, but cut down on the other times you drink. For me, that time is about an hour and a half. And of course, cut down on the caffeine in any form. It may be that you have a high tolerance for caffeine and thus it doesn’t affect you as much as most people, but even with a high tolerance, it can still affect your sleep without you realizing it. Also, you know or can observe after a time what kinds of foods affect your sleep. If you always have stomach problems that wake you up every time you eat a philly cheese steak, then don’t eat one for dinner. If you must have one, eat one for lunch so that it has time to digest more before you go to sleep. If the morning sun is waking you up, can you get curtains? Blinds? A folding screen to put in front of the window? A painting you can hang over the window? One person I know taped butcher paper over her windows to dull the light. You need your sleep. Take care of yourself.
What about what you eat? We’ve already talked about drinking and eating before bed, but what about overall? Alcohol is a depressant. It makes people seem funny because it depresses their inhibitions. Other people, it doesn’t bother with the inhibitions and goes straight to depressing them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes you forget about them for a while. The problems and the pain are still there when you sober up. Your energy would be better spent fixing those problems than delaying the pain. Find out what works for you, and alter what you do until it gives you the most energy. Eating nutritious food is important, too. We all know this. Sometimes, though, the nutrition-free snack just calls to us, especially when we’re depressed, bored, angry, etc. And like with alcohol, the problem is still there when we get off our sugar high or are done eating. They say that you should eat a certain amount of raw vegetables, with the skin on and uncut. Well, that’s very nice for them. I say, even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can do it better. If you don’t eat any fruit right now and you’re not about to start eating a whole apple at a sitting, then get some canned fruit in syrup. If that’s what it takes to get you to eat fruit at this time, then that’s what you should do. In time, change to light syrup, then perhaps to merely cut and skinned fruit, then onwards (maybe) in time to uncut fruit with the skin on. Or not. But if you eat fruit rather than something with no nutritional value – even fruit that has less nutrition than it’s raw counterpart – you’re eating something a little healthier. The same goes for other things. If you want to drink skim milk but are currently drinking whole, don’t jump immediately to skim. Change to 2%, then 1%, then go to skim, changing each time only after you’ve gotten used to the new milk. A friend of mine changed from regular soda to diet soda by going first to a glass of half of each to get himself used to the taste over time. You can do the same thing with whole-wheat bread, if you’re currently eating white. Change to wheat, first. Wheat bread isn’t much more nutritious than white, but it’s a change in taste. After you’ve gotten used to the taste, it’s not as large of a leap to whole-wheat, which is a lot more nutritious than white. You need to eat and drink things that give you energy – not temporary energy like sugar and caffeine, but real energy like complex carbohydrates and vitamins.
In addition to sleeping and eating, there are other things that can affect your physical energy level. Your body needs some exercise, though not too close to going to sleep. Even if you just get up and walk down the hall or stretch, if it’s more than before, then it’s a little bit better. You need to take care of yourself when you’re sick. If you can go to a doctor and need to, then do so. If you can’t go to a doctor, get a good book or a wise friend and find out what you can do to take care of yourself. Adjust your diet, get plenty of water, go easy on the physical activity if that’s what you need. Good hygiene will help with your physical health, as will keeping a clean environment.
Take care of yourself physically so that you can have enough energy to do what you need to birth the Future you want and deserve.
There are really 4 areas of life. The vast majority of life falls into these four categories. They are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Each of these can be an energy drain, and each of these can be an energy provider.
Physical
Do you get enough sleep? I don’t, but the reason I stay up the extra half hour is worth it to me emotionally and mentally. The reason I get up early is so that I can do what I want to do before my morning commute. I could possibly get another hour of sleep, if I didn’t exercise, eat breakfast, take care of my pets, or shower. Each of those things feeds me in some way, and I do not want to give them up for an extra bit of sleep – at least not most days. There are times that sleep becomes more important, at which point I choose what to eliminate or delay for that morning. Do you get enough sleep? Is what you’re staying up for worth the drain on your energy? Is what’s getting you up early worth the drain on your energy? If it’s a scheduled appointment or a regular meeting (even those with friends), can you reschedule it for a more convenient time? If you just can’t sleep at that time, can you shift the other end of your sleep to compensate? For example, if you just can’t get to bed before midnight, is there a way to adjust when you get up so that you get enough sleep?
There are other things that can affect your sleep. Even if you get eight hours worth of it, you may still not get quality sleep. Are there noises that bother you? Do you get up in the middle of the night? Does the morning sun keep waking you up earlier and earlier every spring? These things can be changed. Eliminate or deaden the noise or learn how to sleep wearing ear plugs. If you get up in the middle of the night, why? Is it to go to the bathroom? If so, stop drinking water or anything else at a set amount of time before you go to bed. If you need water to take pills or other medicine, of course do so, but cut down on the other times you drink. For me, that time is about an hour and a half. And of course, cut down on the caffeine in any form. It may be that you have a high tolerance for caffeine and thus it doesn’t affect you as much as most people, but even with a high tolerance, it can still affect your sleep without you realizing it. Also, you know or can observe after a time what kinds of foods affect your sleep. If you always have stomach problems that wake you up every time you eat a philly cheese steak, then don’t eat one for dinner. If you must have one, eat one for lunch so that it has time to digest more before you go to sleep. If the morning sun is waking you up, can you get curtains? Blinds? A folding screen to put in front of the window? A painting you can hang over the window? One person I know taped butcher paper over her windows to dull the light. You need your sleep. Take care of yourself.
What about what you eat? We’ve already talked about drinking and eating before bed, but what about overall? Alcohol is a depressant. It makes people seem funny because it depresses their inhibitions. Other people, it doesn’t bother with the inhibitions and goes straight to depressing them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes you forget about them for a while. The problems and the pain are still there when you sober up. Your energy would be better spent fixing those problems than delaying the pain. Find out what works for you, and alter what you do until it gives you the most energy. Eating nutritious food is important, too. We all know this. Sometimes, though, the nutrition-free snack just calls to us, especially when we’re depressed, bored, angry, etc. And like with alcohol, the problem is still there when we get off our sugar high or are done eating. They say that you should eat a certain amount of raw vegetables, with the skin on and uncut. Well, that’s very nice for them. I say, even if you can’t do it perfectly, you can do it better. If you don’t eat any fruit right now and you’re not about to start eating a whole apple at a sitting, then get some canned fruit in syrup. If that’s what it takes to get you to eat fruit at this time, then that’s what you should do. In time, change to light syrup, then perhaps to merely cut and skinned fruit, then onwards (maybe) in time to uncut fruit with the skin on. Or not. But if you eat fruit rather than something with no nutritional value – even fruit that has less nutrition than it’s raw counterpart – you’re eating something a little healthier. The same goes for other things. If you want to drink skim milk but are currently drinking whole, don’t jump immediately to skim. Change to 2%, then 1%, then go to skim, changing each time only after you’ve gotten used to the new milk. A friend of mine changed from regular soda to diet soda by going first to a glass of half of each to get himself used to the taste over time. You can do the same thing with whole-wheat bread, if you’re currently eating white. Change to wheat, first. Wheat bread isn’t much more nutritious than white, but it’s a change in taste. After you’ve gotten used to the taste, it’s not as large of a leap to whole-wheat, which is a lot more nutritious than white. You need to eat and drink things that give you energy – not temporary energy like sugar and caffeine, but real energy like complex carbohydrates and vitamins.
In addition to sleeping and eating, there are other things that can affect your physical energy level. Your body needs some exercise, though not too close to going to sleep. Even if you just get up and walk down the hall or stretch, if it’s more than before, then it’s a little bit better. You need to take care of yourself when you’re sick. If you can go to a doctor and need to, then do so. If you can’t go to a doctor, get a good book or a wise friend and find out what you can do to take care of yourself. Adjust your diet, get plenty of water, go easy on the physical activity if that’s what you need. Good hygiene will help with your physical health, as will keeping a clean environment.
Take care of yourself physically so that you can have enough energy to do what you need to birth the Future you want and deserve.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Tired
Sometimes life drags you down. Sometimes there’s just so much to do and not enough energy to do it. You may have plenty of time, but you just can’t get yourself to do the things that “need” to be done. You are just too tired. You can’t build a Future if you’re too tired, so let’s see what we can do about being tired.
First, take a look at these things that “need” to be done. Do they really? You do need to eat (which means getting the food and perhaps preparing it), preferably nutritious things so your body can get the energy. You do need to sleep, which will recharge your physical and mental batteries. What else do you really need to do? There are plenty of other things that have consequences not worth the trouble, but a good number of other things are merely inconvenient if you don’t do them.
So let’s take a look at the things with the consequences. If you don’t have a job (or some other means of getting money), then buying food and paying for shelter for your sleep will be difficult, and these are necessary things. Thus, telling off your boss isn’t going to be very helpful and could have bad consequences beyond losing your job. If you cannot stand your boss, though, perhaps you should find another job. Do you like your coworkers or your job? Do they make up for your boss? If not, look for another job. You may be of the opinion that you cannot find another job. We’ll go into that in another post. If your coworkers or your job itself do make up for your boss (or your boss and job makes up for your coworkers or your coworkers and boss make up for your job), then a new job isn’t what you need.
Dealing with your family is another area where the consequences of action could be worse than your current situation. But before you decide that you have to be nice or you have to keep in contact, ask yourself, “Why?” Do you feel you owe them something? Are you afraid of the yelling or the silent treatment you’ll get if you don’t give in to their wants? What will happen if you treat your family they way you want to treat them? What will happen if you take time out from contacting them? Again, another post.
There are other areas of your life where what you are currently doing, what you feel you “need” to do aren’t necessarily needs. Do you need to hand wash your dishes? What if you used paper plates for a little while instead? Or if you’re worried about landfills, plastic plates and silverware so that you can recycle. Do you need to vacuum every week? Or is every other week or every month good enough? Naturally, if you have a dust allergy or if you use your home as an office, you need to keep it cleaner than other people do, but are you one of those people? What about washing your car? How often do you do it and how often do you need to do it? If your car is part of your image and it’s necessary for your work (like if you are a salesperson) or your self esteem (like if you take great pride in your car) or if it’s a classic that needs great care to keep it in shape, then washing your car could be a “need”. Or if washing your car is your only excuse to get out of the house and away from your roommates for a little bit, perhaps that, too, is a “need”. Me, I used to do the laundry because the basement was quiet and away from the rest of my family. Now, my laundry is in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen, and it no longer serves the purpose it once did.
Sometimes, the upkeep on things is necessary, but the things themselves are not. Do you have a large house, so large that something needs cleaning constantly? Do you need that large of a house? A smaller house would be easier to take care of. You may need a larger house, true, but not everyone does. What about a collection? There are some people who have collections that they dust or file or clean or whatever in order to maintain their worth, but they no longer take joy in the collection. It’s just something that they have always had, and they don’t know how to give it up. The same is true for cars. How much time and effort do you spend on keeping your car running? What if you get a different car? This could take time, yes. This could take effort, yes. But, in the long run, getting a more efficient car that breaks down less often could save you a lot of energy. Do you have a pet? Do you want a pet? Pets can be great for your energy level, provided you can take care of them. I knew a couple that bred birds. They had a few dozen of them in their house. Great for them, but that wouldn’t work for me. That would be too much hassle. A dog would be too much hassle for me at this time, as well. I would not be able to take care of a dog as well as I would feel I would “need” to, so I do not have a dog at this time, though I love dogs. Before you buy a toy or piece of furniture, check to see if it says “some assembly required”. Will the thing be worth the effort of the assembly? Before you buy a piece of clothing, check to see what it takes to clean it. Is it dry-clean-only? Is it worth your time and energy to take something in to get it dry cleaned? Can you find another, equally good piece of clothing that doesn’t take dry cleaning? Or hand washing?
Are there other things that you can make easier for yourself? Do you have automatic deposit on your paycheck? If not, is it worth the time and effort to go to the bank to deposit your paycheck? It might be. My bank is in my grocery store, so I go by it every week any way. It could be you have a friend at your bank, and seeing her or him lifts your spirits, so it is worth it to you to have a reason to go to the bank. Do you have automatic bill payments? There are a lot of places that will gladly, and without a fee, automatically debit your bank account. I make use of this. It saves me any late fees, saves me stamps, and saves me the time it would take to fill out the payment and mail it, along with any anxiety I may have if the bill gets lost in the paperwork of my home.
Relationships and organizations are two more areas that you could make things easier on yourself and free up some energy to help build the future that you want and deserve. They’re important enough that I’ll address them in subsequent posts, as well.
Take a look at your life. What is really draining your energy? What do you want in life, and is your life’s energy focused on it? If not, perhaps a little bit of a change is in order. You deserve the best Future possible, and you deserve the energy necessary to make it happen.
First, take a look at these things that “need” to be done. Do they really? You do need to eat (which means getting the food and perhaps preparing it), preferably nutritious things so your body can get the energy. You do need to sleep, which will recharge your physical and mental batteries. What else do you really need to do? There are plenty of other things that have consequences not worth the trouble, but a good number of other things are merely inconvenient if you don’t do them.
So let’s take a look at the things with the consequences. If you don’t have a job (or some other means of getting money), then buying food and paying for shelter for your sleep will be difficult, and these are necessary things. Thus, telling off your boss isn’t going to be very helpful and could have bad consequences beyond losing your job. If you cannot stand your boss, though, perhaps you should find another job. Do you like your coworkers or your job? Do they make up for your boss? If not, look for another job. You may be of the opinion that you cannot find another job. We’ll go into that in another post. If your coworkers or your job itself do make up for your boss (or your boss and job makes up for your coworkers or your coworkers and boss make up for your job), then a new job isn’t what you need.
Dealing with your family is another area where the consequences of action could be worse than your current situation. But before you decide that you have to be nice or you have to keep in contact, ask yourself, “Why?” Do you feel you owe them something? Are you afraid of the yelling or the silent treatment you’ll get if you don’t give in to their wants? What will happen if you treat your family they way you want to treat them? What will happen if you take time out from contacting them? Again, another post.
There are other areas of your life where what you are currently doing, what you feel you “need” to do aren’t necessarily needs. Do you need to hand wash your dishes? What if you used paper plates for a little while instead? Or if you’re worried about landfills, plastic plates and silverware so that you can recycle. Do you need to vacuum every week? Or is every other week or every month good enough? Naturally, if you have a dust allergy or if you use your home as an office, you need to keep it cleaner than other people do, but are you one of those people? What about washing your car? How often do you do it and how often do you need to do it? If your car is part of your image and it’s necessary for your work (like if you are a salesperson) or your self esteem (like if you take great pride in your car) or if it’s a classic that needs great care to keep it in shape, then washing your car could be a “need”. Or if washing your car is your only excuse to get out of the house and away from your roommates for a little bit, perhaps that, too, is a “need”. Me, I used to do the laundry because the basement was quiet and away from the rest of my family. Now, my laundry is in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen, and it no longer serves the purpose it once did.
Sometimes, the upkeep on things is necessary, but the things themselves are not. Do you have a large house, so large that something needs cleaning constantly? Do you need that large of a house? A smaller house would be easier to take care of. You may need a larger house, true, but not everyone does. What about a collection? There are some people who have collections that they dust or file or clean or whatever in order to maintain their worth, but they no longer take joy in the collection. It’s just something that they have always had, and they don’t know how to give it up. The same is true for cars. How much time and effort do you spend on keeping your car running? What if you get a different car? This could take time, yes. This could take effort, yes. But, in the long run, getting a more efficient car that breaks down less often could save you a lot of energy. Do you have a pet? Do you want a pet? Pets can be great for your energy level, provided you can take care of them. I knew a couple that bred birds. They had a few dozen of them in their house. Great for them, but that wouldn’t work for me. That would be too much hassle. A dog would be too much hassle for me at this time, as well. I would not be able to take care of a dog as well as I would feel I would “need” to, so I do not have a dog at this time, though I love dogs. Before you buy a toy or piece of furniture, check to see if it says “some assembly required”. Will the thing be worth the effort of the assembly? Before you buy a piece of clothing, check to see what it takes to clean it. Is it dry-clean-only? Is it worth your time and energy to take something in to get it dry cleaned? Can you find another, equally good piece of clothing that doesn’t take dry cleaning? Or hand washing?
Are there other things that you can make easier for yourself? Do you have automatic deposit on your paycheck? If not, is it worth the time and effort to go to the bank to deposit your paycheck? It might be. My bank is in my grocery store, so I go by it every week any way. It could be you have a friend at your bank, and seeing her or him lifts your spirits, so it is worth it to you to have a reason to go to the bank. Do you have automatic bill payments? There are a lot of places that will gladly, and without a fee, automatically debit your bank account. I make use of this. It saves me any late fees, saves me stamps, and saves me the time it would take to fill out the payment and mail it, along with any anxiety I may have if the bill gets lost in the paperwork of my home.
Relationships and organizations are two more areas that you could make things easier on yourself and free up some energy to help build the future that you want and deserve. They’re important enough that I’ll address them in subsequent posts, as well.
Take a look at your life. What is really draining your energy? What do you want in life, and is your life’s energy focused on it? If not, perhaps a little bit of a change is in order. You deserve the best Future possible, and you deserve the energy necessary to make it happen.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Book Review: When Food Is Love
When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy by Geneen Roth is an excellent book. While some people may think it is a self help book, there are no exercises or suggestions in this book. It is about her journey with food and intimacy problems and the journeys of her friends. It is amazing. It isn’t just applicable to eating problems but to any addictions and intimacy problems. And it’s an easy read. Because it isn’t a self help book, it isn’t in the usual format. It’s a bunch of stories which tell about what did and didn't work for her or people she knew, about the reasons why behind addictions. Some of it may resonate with you. Probably not all, but what there is in the book that is for you could be of great help in realizing your fullest, best life, in creating the Present you need in order to birth The Future. I highly recommend it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Opportunities for Money
My friend has a 14-year-old daughter who is looking for a job, however most of the places around her will not hire a 14-year-old. But she keeps looking for a job, even though what she really wants is money. A job through an established business that is owned by someone else is not the only way to make money. If you’re in a similar situation – need money but can’t find a job that you can take – here are some suggestions.
(How does this apply? When you’re worried about money, you don’t have the energy to do what needs to be done to birth your Future. Also, some situations that need to be resolved are more easily taken care of with some money.)
1. Mow lawns
2. Pull weeds
3. Start a lawn care service. Employ not only yourself, but also others. Not only will you be able to handle a larger customer base, but you’ll also be gaining supervisor and managerial experience, which will look great on a resume and help you in future work.
4. Shovel snow
5. Wash cars. Include vacuuming and rug-spot removal to make you stand out from the others. Dust the dashboard and wash the insides of the windows, too.
6. Make jewelry to sell. If you know how to weave, use your talent. If you prefer beading, then do that. For cheap jewelry pieces, go to a thrift shop or second-hand store and pick up their old, discounted jewelry, especially the costume pieces or the children’s dress-up pieces. Those should be cheap. Cut up the jewelry to get the individual beads and metalwork to include in your creations.
7. Make jewelry kits. Same as number 6, only instead of creating the jewelry yourself, package up the pieces that make up a nice-looking necklace or bracelet, type up some instructions, and put them in a bag. Sell them to people for their kids.
8. Create webpages for people and their families. You can get how-to books from the library, and as long as your customer pays for the website, it won’t cost you anything. If you don’t have internet connection at home anyway (for a different reason than just this), check for places that you can get connected – the library, your school, your kids’ school, your workplace (if you have a job, if they allow personal use of the web, and only on your break). People use webpages for many things, even temporary items like posting information about family reunions or similar events. If you do the first few for free as practice, then you have websites that you can show future customers.
9. Knit scarves, mittens, sweaters, etc. Cheap yarn and knitting needles can be found at second-hand stores or rummage sales. Instructions can be found in books at the library. Even if you can only make rectangles (like myself), you can still make baby blankets, hot pads, scarves, and afghans. Crocheting works as well. Use the cheap yarn to make premade items for sale. When you have the money, you can get custom orders and buy specifically-requested yarn.
10. Babysit. This doesn’t have to be at night and only when the parent wants to go out for a while. Parents also need time to go shopping or just have a break. Take the kids out to the park in the middle of the day, or come over and watch the kids in the middle of the week when the parent has to work late or has to make dinner. Or be the afternoon-place for kids after school but before their parents get home when they’re too young to be left alone.
11. Paint. While painting the outside of houses can be difficult, painting a single room should be within the capabilities of most adults and teens. Again, this is a case where your customer makes all the purchases, so it won’t cost you any money. It’ll just cost you time and effort. As always, be sure to do a good job so that they’ll recommend you to their friends and give you their own business again. And if you have a talent for painting designs or pictures, if people want something special like flowers or clowns or something on their walls, all the better.
12. Help people move. If you’re not very strong, you probably won’t be able to help with the heavy stuff, but most people’s stuff is not heavy. Think about all the clothes, books, and dishes you have, none of which are heavy by themselves. You can help with the packing, the cleaning, the carrying, the transporting, and the unpacking. There are more people than you think that still have boxes packed up from three moves ago or a move three years ago. They just never got around to unpacking them. You can help them with unpacking right away.
13. Manage rummage sales. This works very well with number 12. People who are moving usually have stuff that they don’t want to move but don’t feel right about throwing out. However, most people don’t have the time or energy to conduct a rummage sale, and others just don’t want to. They pay for any advertising and the change in the cash box, and you conduct the rummage sale for them.
14. Bake. Just make certain that what you charge for your baked goods costs more than the ingredients. That includes the eggs, milk, oil, and the mix, not just the mix.
15. Sell used books. People who put on rummage sales frequently don’t want to keep the left overs. If you go on the last day, you can usually pick up the remaining books for very cheap and then sell them to your local second-hand book store. If there are any books that the store won’t give you any money for, keep them and give them to your local library. Get a receipt for a tax-deductible donation. Pay attention to what the store will buy and what it will not, so you’ll be able to pick up those books that will make you money and leave the ones that will cost you time and gas to carry around.
16. Manage people’s eBay accounts. eBay isn’t available to people of all ages, just most ages. Plenty of people would love to make money off eBay, but they don’t want to go through the hassle of actually doing it. If you do it, using their account if you’re too young for your own, then you can charge them a percentage fee. There are books at the library for this, too. If you are old enough, then you could start your own eBay business with whatever you have around the house, the things you can make, or the things you pick up at rummage sales that you believe are underpriced. Second-hand stores usually price their items at the same rate that eBay would sell them for, however if you have patience, you could pick up an item here and an item there that when put together make a collection. This rummage sale may have one beanie baby, and that second-hand store may have another, and each one by itself is no big deal, but the two together are just too cute to resist. Or anything you fine interesting enough to collect, because this stuff will be hanging around your house until you find that last piece, and you may as well collect stuff you like looking at.
17. Clean houses. There are services for this, sure, but few people want to go to a service, unless they have enough money to afford someone to clean for them on a regular basis. However, others who don’t have regular cleaning people still have parties, reunions, sick people, visiting relatives, and the occasional time when they’ve just been too busy to deal with housework, too. That’s when you come in. You do a clean up whatever they need most. Most people won’t use this more than once or twice a year, but most people could use this. Even if you know only twenty people who use this twice a year, you’ll be busier most weeks of the year. Clean up before a party is good, but so is clean up after a party. If it is a party that they’re cleaning for, check to see if they’ll need any help afterwards. This also goes along with number 12, helping people move. Most people want their security deposit back on their apartments and townhomes, so they want to leave the place clean when they leave.
18. Cut hair.
19. Run errands. Do the grocery shopping, pick up the dry cleaning, take the cat to the vet, and if you have a few customers, you could double up on the errands. You can pick up Mary’s dry cleaning at the same time you pick up Gil’s, and that’ll save you gas. If someone wants a pound of oranges and another person wants two pounds, you can pick up a four pound bag and split it up at home. If you do go shopping for more than one person at the same time, get a cooler for your trunk, and keep the frozen and refrigerated stuff in there while you’re dropping off other people’s groceries.
20. Start a reminder service. Some people constantly forget birthdays and anniversaries. If you give them a call a week in advance, though, they’ll have time to do something.
21. Walk dogs, or whatever other pet they have that needs walking. Add in brushing or washing, if you want.
In addition to all of these, check with your library for books on jobs for kids or homemakers.
(How does this apply? When you’re worried about money, you don’t have the energy to do what needs to be done to birth your Future. Also, some situations that need to be resolved are more easily taken care of with some money.)
1. Mow lawns
2. Pull weeds
3. Start a lawn care service. Employ not only yourself, but also others. Not only will you be able to handle a larger customer base, but you’ll also be gaining supervisor and managerial experience, which will look great on a resume and help you in future work.
4. Shovel snow
5. Wash cars. Include vacuuming and rug-spot removal to make you stand out from the others. Dust the dashboard and wash the insides of the windows, too.
6. Make jewelry to sell. If you know how to weave, use your talent. If you prefer beading, then do that. For cheap jewelry pieces, go to a thrift shop or second-hand store and pick up their old, discounted jewelry, especially the costume pieces or the children’s dress-up pieces. Those should be cheap. Cut up the jewelry to get the individual beads and metalwork to include in your creations.
7. Make jewelry kits. Same as number 6, only instead of creating the jewelry yourself, package up the pieces that make up a nice-looking necklace or bracelet, type up some instructions, and put them in a bag. Sell them to people for their kids.
8. Create webpages for people and their families. You can get how-to books from the library, and as long as your customer pays for the website, it won’t cost you anything. If you don’t have internet connection at home anyway (for a different reason than just this), check for places that you can get connected – the library, your school, your kids’ school, your workplace (if you have a job, if they allow personal use of the web, and only on your break). People use webpages for many things, even temporary items like posting information about family reunions or similar events. If you do the first few for free as practice, then you have websites that you can show future customers.
9. Knit scarves, mittens, sweaters, etc. Cheap yarn and knitting needles can be found at second-hand stores or rummage sales. Instructions can be found in books at the library. Even if you can only make rectangles (like myself), you can still make baby blankets, hot pads, scarves, and afghans. Crocheting works as well. Use the cheap yarn to make premade items for sale. When you have the money, you can get custom orders and buy specifically-requested yarn.
10. Babysit. This doesn’t have to be at night and only when the parent wants to go out for a while. Parents also need time to go shopping or just have a break. Take the kids out to the park in the middle of the day, or come over and watch the kids in the middle of the week when the parent has to work late or has to make dinner. Or be the afternoon-place for kids after school but before their parents get home when they’re too young to be left alone.
11. Paint. While painting the outside of houses can be difficult, painting a single room should be within the capabilities of most adults and teens. Again, this is a case where your customer makes all the purchases, so it won’t cost you any money. It’ll just cost you time and effort. As always, be sure to do a good job so that they’ll recommend you to their friends and give you their own business again. And if you have a talent for painting designs or pictures, if people want something special like flowers or clowns or something on their walls, all the better.
12. Help people move. If you’re not very strong, you probably won’t be able to help with the heavy stuff, but most people’s stuff is not heavy. Think about all the clothes, books, and dishes you have, none of which are heavy by themselves. You can help with the packing, the cleaning, the carrying, the transporting, and the unpacking. There are more people than you think that still have boxes packed up from three moves ago or a move three years ago. They just never got around to unpacking them. You can help them with unpacking right away.
13. Manage rummage sales. This works very well with number 12. People who are moving usually have stuff that they don’t want to move but don’t feel right about throwing out. However, most people don’t have the time or energy to conduct a rummage sale, and others just don’t want to. They pay for any advertising and the change in the cash box, and you conduct the rummage sale for them.
14. Bake. Just make certain that what you charge for your baked goods costs more than the ingredients. That includes the eggs, milk, oil, and the mix, not just the mix.
15. Sell used books. People who put on rummage sales frequently don’t want to keep the left overs. If you go on the last day, you can usually pick up the remaining books for very cheap and then sell them to your local second-hand book store. If there are any books that the store won’t give you any money for, keep them and give them to your local library. Get a receipt for a tax-deductible donation. Pay attention to what the store will buy and what it will not, so you’ll be able to pick up those books that will make you money and leave the ones that will cost you time and gas to carry around.
16. Manage people’s eBay accounts. eBay isn’t available to people of all ages, just most ages. Plenty of people would love to make money off eBay, but they don’t want to go through the hassle of actually doing it. If you do it, using their account if you’re too young for your own, then you can charge them a percentage fee. There are books at the library for this, too. If you are old enough, then you could start your own eBay business with whatever you have around the house, the things you can make, or the things you pick up at rummage sales that you believe are underpriced. Second-hand stores usually price their items at the same rate that eBay would sell them for, however if you have patience, you could pick up an item here and an item there that when put together make a collection. This rummage sale may have one beanie baby, and that second-hand store may have another, and each one by itself is no big deal, but the two together are just too cute to resist. Or anything you fine interesting enough to collect, because this stuff will be hanging around your house until you find that last piece, and you may as well collect stuff you like looking at.
17. Clean houses. There are services for this, sure, but few people want to go to a service, unless they have enough money to afford someone to clean for them on a regular basis. However, others who don’t have regular cleaning people still have parties, reunions, sick people, visiting relatives, and the occasional time when they’ve just been too busy to deal with housework, too. That’s when you come in. You do a clean up whatever they need most. Most people won’t use this more than once or twice a year, but most people could use this. Even if you know only twenty people who use this twice a year, you’ll be busier most weeks of the year. Clean up before a party is good, but so is clean up after a party. If it is a party that they’re cleaning for, check to see if they’ll need any help afterwards. This also goes along with number 12, helping people move. Most people want their security deposit back on their apartments and townhomes, so they want to leave the place clean when they leave.
18. Cut hair.
19. Run errands. Do the grocery shopping, pick up the dry cleaning, take the cat to the vet, and if you have a few customers, you could double up on the errands. You can pick up Mary’s dry cleaning at the same time you pick up Gil’s, and that’ll save you gas. If someone wants a pound of oranges and another person wants two pounds, you can pick up a four pound bag and split it up at home. If you do go shopping for more than one person at the same time, get a cooler for your trunk, and keep the frozen and refrigerated stuff in there while you’re dropping off other people’s groceries.
20. Start a reminder service. Some people constantly forget birthdays and anniversaries. If you give them a call a week in advance, though, they’ll have time to do something.
21. Walk dogs, or whatever other pet they have that needs walking. Add in brushing or washing, if you want.
In addition to all of these, check with your library for books on jobs for kids or homemakers.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Responsibility
“We are not to blame for what happened to us as children, but we are responsible for what we do with our pain as adults.” – Geneen Roth
Too many people believe that how they were brought up is the deciding factor of their lives. If they were beaten or abused, they will always behave as people who were beaten or abused, but that isn’t so. Or at least it doesn’t have to be so, not if you don’t want it to be. There are a lot of people out there who have been beaten or abused, but you don’t know it. They live productive, happy lives, things that some victims believe is impossible for them to obtain. I call them victims, not because they were abused or beaten, but because they still allow those abusers to run their life.
I was physically and emotionally abused, but I haven’t gone into drugs or hooked up with someone who beats me. Yet, there are people who say “my father beat me” as a justification for their doing drugs or beating on their own kids. As if they were not in charge of their own lives but still dancing to the tune of the abusers of their childhoods. How long do they get to claim this? How long do they get to get of scott-free in their own minds because of what was done to them ten, twenty, thirty years ago?
Am I blaming them? Yes. Being beaten sucks, whether it be with a belt, a hand, a stick, what have you. Being emotionally abused, used, blackmailed, etc., also sucks. But it doesn’t have to be a prison, unless that’s what you want to see. And I know that you’re screaming, “I don’t want it! How dare you suggest that I do!” I dare because there are ways out. The ways out are just scarier and harder than staying in your prison. I know that’s been true in my life.
And I can hear some of you saying, “It was easier for you. You weren’t sexually abused / raped / nearly killed / beaten as bad as I was / treated the way I was.” Pick one or make up one of your own. What does it matter? Maybe it was easier for me when I was a kid than when you were a kid. Maybe it was harder. This isn’t a competition, no matter what some of your friends think. This life is not a game of “one-down-manship”, where you don’t keep up with the Jones but rather insist that you’re the biggest victim. Sorry, but I just don’t care who out-victims who. I think it sucks that someone hurt you. I think that what happened to you was awful, but you do not get the right to do what you want because of what they did, and you do not get to blame them for your life right now. I care about you and your life, but what others have done to you when you were a child does not matter a much in your life as what you are doing right now. I would rather hear about how you are building your life than about how someone else tore it down.
Is the abuse still going on? Get out. Leave the situation. If you’re living with the abuser, leave. If they won’t let you leave, that’s kidnapping and call the police. If they say they’ll kill you if you try to leave, leave and disappear. It’s possible. Find someone who can help. It may take desperate measures, but if you don’t think you’re worth it, it’s not likely anyone else will either.
Do the memories still haunt you? Find a way to get them out without destroying yourself. Alcohol and drugs only stamp the memories and pain down. They don’t get rid of them. Ditto for eating, gambling, and shopping, when they’re used as therapy. They’re just distractions, not true help. Get the memories and the pain and the hurt and the words and music and sights out of your head. Write. Dance. Pull weeds and destroy them, putting your abuser’s face on them as you tear them to pieces. Volunteer. Go to therapy. Share your story with researchers, with other volunteers who are trying to help young people, who are in the situation you once faced. Draw. Somehow, get the memory, the feeling, the everything out of your head, out of your body, and make it real. Make it tangible. Create it in this world out side of your body so that you don’t have to carry this by yourself.
I care more about your future than about your past, and I care more about your present than I do about either of those. Start where you are and make tomorrow better than today, and make the rest of your life the best part of your life. It is up to you to do so, no matter what happened in the past, the present and the future are up to you.
Too many people believe that how they were brought up is the deciding factor of their lives. If they were beaten or abused, they will always behave as people who were beaten or abused, but that isn’t so. Or at least it doesn’t have to be so, not if you don’t want it to be. There are a lot of people out there who have been beaten or abused, but you don’t know it. They live productive, happy lives, things that some victims believe is impossible for them to obtain. I call them victims, not because they were abused or beaten, but because they still allow those abusers to run their life.
I was physically and emotionally abused, but I haven’t gone into drugs or hooked up with someone who beats me. Yet, there are people who say “my father beat me” as a justification for their doing drugs or beating on their own kids. As if they were not in charge of their own lives but still dancing to the tune of the abusers of their childhoods. How long do they get to claim this? How long do they get to get of scott-free in their own minds because of what was done to them ten, twenty, thirty years ago?
Am I blaming them? Yes. Being beaten sucks, whether it be with a belt, a hand, a stick, what have you. Being emotionally abused, used, blackmailed, etc., also sucks. But it doesn’t have to be a prison, unless that’s what you want to see. And I know that you’re screaming, “I don’t want it! How dare you suggest that I do!” I dare because there are ways out. The ways out are just scarier and harder than staying in your prison. I know that’s been true in my life.
And I can hear some of you saying, “It was easier for you. You weren’t sexually abused / raped / nearly killed / beaten as bad as I was / treated the way I was.” Pick one or make up one of your own. What does it matter? Maybe it was easier for me when I was a kid than when you were a kid. Maybe it was harder. This isn’t a competition, no matter what some of your friends think. This life is not a game of “one-down-manship”, where you don’t keep up with the Jones but rather insist that you’re the biggest victim. Sorry, but I just don’t care who out-victims who. I think it sucks that someone hurt you. I think that what happened to you was awful, but you do not get the right to do what you want because of what they did, and you do not get to blame them for your life right now. I care about you and your life, but what others have done to you when you were a child does not matter a much in your life as what you are doing right now. I would rather hear about how you are building your life than about how someone else tore it down.
Is the abuse still going on? Get out. Leave the situation. If you’re living with the abuser, leave. If they won’t let you leave, that’s kidnapping and call the police. If they say they’ll kill you if you try to leave, leave and disappear. It’s possible. Find someone who can help. It may take desperate measures, but if you don’t think you’re worth it, it’s not likely anyone else will either.
Do the memories still haunt you? Find a way to get them out without destroying yourself. Alcohol and drugs only stamp the memories and pain down. They don’t get rid of them. Ditto for eating, gambling, and shopping, when they’re used as therapy. They’re just distractions, not true help. Get the memories and the pain and the hurt and the words and music and sights out of your head. Write. Dance. Pull weeds and destroy them, putting your abuser’s face on them as you tear them to pieces. Volunteer. Go to therapy. Share your story with researchers, with other volunteers who are trying to help young people, who are in the situation you once faced. Draw. Somehow, get the memory, the feeling, the everything out of your head, out of your body, and make it real. Make it tangible. Create it in this world out side of your body so that you don’t have to carry this by yourself.
I care more about your future than about your past, and I care more about your present than I do about either of those. Start where you are and make tomorrow better than today, and make the rest of your life the best part of your life. It is up to you to do so, no matter what happened in the past, the present and the future are up to you.
Monday, July 30, 2007
When the Answer’s Always Yes
“Or take off the plugs so that it’s that much harder to get power back to it and gives you a little bit more time to think ‘Do I really want to spend the next part of my life on the computer rather than live my dream?’ Quite frankly, sometimes the answer is yes, and that’s okay. It’s when the answer is always yes that you’ve got a problem. That’s a topic for another time.”
The quote is from the previous post. The time is now for that topic. What if the answer is always, yes, I would rather do something else than live my dream? Then you need to do something.
First, check to see if this is really your dream. Do you really want this? Or is this something that:
your parents convinced you you should do?
something someone else has always wanted to do but couldn’t and is living their dream through you?
something that seems like the right thing to do?
something that seems small enough or possible enough for you to do?
Is it really your parents’ dream for you? Someone else’s dream? Not really a dream at all? It is easy to get confused by these things, at first, if you’ve been convinced by others or yourself that what is false is actually true.
You are taught to believe your parents, and for the most part you should when you are a kid. But, if they taught you that this was your dream when it really wasn’t, then don’t listen to them. It could be that they wanted to protect you from the “harsh realities” of that dream. Or that they never liked “those kind of people” and didn’t want their son/daughter to become one of “them”. If your parents have tried to tailor your dream, know that they barely scratched the surface. Within you still lies your true dream, the Future that you want made. Toss aside the fake dreams, give them back to your parents, and make room in your life for your dreams.
It could be that your parents or someone else always had a dream that they never could fulfill. Did your mom always want to be a dancer? Did your dad always want to be a pro athlete? Or the other way around? Did your grandmother always want to sail around the world and made you promise that you would do it and send her post cards from everywhere? Or a teacher saw great potential in you but declared that it could be fulfilled in only one way (the way that the teacher wants it fulfilled)? Again, give back their dreams. They are their dreams, and take hold of your own.
How can you tell if something is your dream or someone else’s that you picked up somewhere along the way? Think about it. Does it fill you with energy or dread? When you take your dream through the next several years, do your thoughts fill with color and sound, or are they a stale bit of gray and facts? When you think to yourself “I’m a painter”, “I’m a gymnast”, “I’m a motivational speaker”, “I’m an incredibly rich person”, whose voice says it? Yours? Someone else’s? Your dreams will energize you, make your thoughts fill with light, and resonate in your head in your own voice. Will they also make you run screaming because they have so much hard work attached to them? Sometimes, but the screams will be part of the rid rather than the entire dream itself.
Option 3 is the problem for many people. Life seems hard, and they don’t really have time to dream. They can’t possibly become an artist. They have rent to pay. So, they’ll pretend what they really dream is to become an accountant, because that’s what they’re good at. (Accounting, by the way, is a perfectly legitimate dream for some people. Just not for people who actually want to be something else.) And they’ll become good at being an accountant, or not, and the rent will get paid, and they’ll convince themselves that they’re doing the right thing, when really their dreams are suffocating inside and they just can’t understand why it feels so awful to be alive. Yes, you will probably have rent to pay. Yes, you will probably have to have a job that pays you money. But that doesn’t mean that paying the rent has to become your dream. Too often, “toys” come into play in that case. Who is more likely to have a 3 foot wide plasma screen TV – the painter who paints on the weekends and gives away their creations as gifts, or the painter who pays the bills by being an accountant and refuses to think about how much they enjoyed painting when they were younger? The person who has an unpublished novel sitting on their desk or one sitting one their soul? Dreams are the best toys of all, the best joy-givers, and The Future needs more joy. Dream your dreams and find a way to live them in order to make the Future brighter, to make your life brighter.
Option 4 is the problem for a whole bunch of other people, and is sometimes tied in with option 3. Option 4 is for people who settle, because they just can’t see themselves as making it big. They think that they aren’t large enough, that their souls aren’t large enough, to handle a big dream, so they make a small dream. That’s just bull. Our souls are infinite. Our talent is immense. Our creativity is phenomenal. And we can handle our dreams if we just trust ourselves to do it. Sometimes, you need to babystep your way into a big dream. You don’t just hop into a gallery showing when you haven’t painted your first picture or try out for the Olympics before you begin a training program. But make certain that you know it’s just a babystep and not the end.
Now, before I get more things thrown at the screen, I do understand that sometimes some dreams are unattainable to a degree. It is entirely possible that if you start out when you are 30 that you will not become an Olympic gold medalist. But, is the gold medal the only part of that dream that is important? Or is it national or world-wide recognition? Or is it having an incredible body? Or is it showing up your brother who got a silver medal at the Olympics? What is truly important? Can you get it some other way? Also know that some dreams may need to be set aside for a while in order to become attained. Perhaps there isn’t a method of presentation for your dream (like someone who thought of a great TV show before there was TV) or a proper medium (like someone who needed plastic before it was invented). What’s important is the heart of the dream, that it never dies.
Now, all that is just the first step – making certain that your dream is really your dream. If it is truly your dream and it is in the form that you have dreamt it, then what do you do if you never want to work on it?
Is the first step small enough? Is there any way you can make it smaller?
Is the next step exciting enough? Perhaps you have to do some of the bookkeeping or other uninteresting task, like cleaning the brushes or making space in the garage, and the dreariness of the next step is just overwhelming. Break down that step into small bits, remind yourself of what amazing dreaming you will be doing on the other side of that step, and reward yourself when you get the dreary bit done.
Will you be punished for taking the next step? Now, this may be a shock to some people, but there are not only dream-stealers out there, there are also dream-killers. There are people who will hurt others if they dare to dream. Will you be ridiculed? Bullied? Ignored? Or will the dream-killer be even worse? Will your products get destroyed? Or will you yourself get hurt? Please, get away from these people. Make that your first dream. You are too precious and too important to have your Future be limited by these people, and you never deserve to be beaten. Find Freedom, because it is in Freedom that the Future will be born. Without Freedom, the Future will be killed. If you are being punished, work with the people to make them stop if you can, leave if you cannot. If you cannot make them stop and have an extremely good reason for not leaving, then dream in private. Keep your dreams safe from them, but keep them alive. Do your work in private, or at a friend’s place. And if you are allowed no privacy? There is practically no good reason for you to stay, then. There are good reasons, yes (protection of others being the main and possibly only one), but hardly any.
Is this the right dream for right now? Me, I have several different dreams, and not all of them are feasible right now. So, I work on the ones that I can achieve or at least do something about at this point in my life, and I have put the other ones on hold for the moment. Is that true for you, as well? Is the dream you’re working on not the right one for right now? Can you find the one that is?
Are you afraid of what will happen when you achieve your dream? Will there be negative consequences. I have known plenty of people who would have bad things happen to them if their dreams were achieved. Family members would start expecting money. Family members would start shunning them for outdoing their own achievements. People would start digging into their past and find out things that are really none of their business. Spouses would leave them for no longer being “the person I married”. Or perhaps most common of all, once a dream has been achieved, it would have to be admitted that it will not bring the happiness that you seek. Sometimes, a dream is a distraction from what is truly wrong in your life, and as long as you have an unfinished dream, you don’t have to think about (much less do anything about) the true problems in your life. So, it’s better (you think) to keep the unfinished dream around as blinders or rose-colored glasses when you look at the rest of your life. Some tough questions come after this. You may want the Future to be better than the present, but are you willing to look at the problems that are in the present? I’m not saying you have to fix them, but are you willing to at least see them? If you truly cannot face those things in your life that you are hiding behind your dream, then find a second dream. Create your first dream, make it real, make it true, birth the Future that includes the wonderful things you will bring to it, and then immediately go on to the second dream so that you never have to see whatever it is that you’re afraid of. It’s the coward’s way out, but it is one of two. The first is the one you’re using right now. This way, at least your dreams come true and the Future becomes better. Not as good as if you worked on those problems you don’t want to face, but better than it is now. Don’t worry, there are an infinite number of dreams and distractions out there. Just keep bringing wonder to the Future, no matter what.
When you bring your dreams to life, when you share them with others, you make the world a better place, one with more creativity and life. You birth the Future that you want – one where your dreams are alive and well. You deserve amazing dreams, and you deserve an amazing life, and we all deserve and amazing Future, and we make it happen. Continue to dream, both in thought and in deed.
The quote is from the previous post. The time is now for that topic. What if the answer is always, yes, I would rather do something else than live my dream? Then you need to do something.
First, check to see if this is really your dream. Do you really want this? Or is this something that:
your parents convinced you you should do?
something someone else has always wanted to do but couldn’t and is living their dream through you?
something that seems like the right thing to do?
something that seems small enough or possible enough for you to do?
Is it really your parents’ dream for you? Someone else’s dream? Not really a dream at all? It is easy to get confused by these things, at first, if you’ve been convinced by others or yourself that what is false is actually true.
You are taught to believe your parents, and for the most part you should when you are a kid. But, if they taught you that this was your dream when it really wasn’t, then don’t listen to them. It could be that they wanted to protect you from the “harsh realities” of that dream. Or that they never liked “those kind of people” and didn’t want their son/daughter to become one of “them”. If your parents have tried to tailor your dream, know that they barely scratched the surface. Within you still lies your true dream, the Future that you want made. Toss aside the fake dreams, give them back to your parents, and make room in your life for your dreams.
It could be that your parents or someone else always had a dream that they never could fulfill. Did your mom always want to be a dancer? Did your dad always want to be a pro athlete? Or the other way around? Did your grandmother always want to sail around the world and made you promise that you would do it and send her post cards from everywhere? Or a teacher saw great potential in you but declared that it could be fulfilled in only one way (the way that the teacher wants it fulfilled)? Again, give back their dreams. They are their dreams, and take hold of your own.
How can you tell if something is your dream or someone else’s that you picked up somewhere along the way? Think about it. Does it fill you with energy or dread? When you take your dream through the next several years, do your thoughts fill with color and sound, or are they a stale bit of gray and facts? When you think to yourself “I’m a painter”, “I’m a gymnast”, “I’m a motivational speaker”, “I’m an incredibly rich person”, whose voice says it? Yours? Someone else’s? Your dreams will energize you, make your thoughts fill with light, and resonate in your head in your own voice. Will they also make you run screaming because they have so much hard work attached to them? Sometimes, but the screams will be part of the rid rather than the entire dream itself.
Option 3 is the problem for many people. Life seems hard, and they don’t really have time to dream. They can’t possibly become an artist. They have rent to pay. So, they’ll pretend what they really dream is to become an accountant, because that’s what they’re good at. (Accounting, by the way, is a perfectly legitimate dream for some people. Just not for people who actually want to be something else.) And they’ll become good at being an accountant, or not, and the rent will get paid, and they’ll convince themselves that they’re doing the right thing, when really their dreams are suffocating inside and they just can’t understand why it feels so awful to be alive. Yes, you will probably have rent to pay. Yes, you will probably have to have a job that pays you money. But that doesn’t mean that paying the rent has to become your dream. Too often, “toys” come into play in that case. Who is more likely to have a 3 foot wide plasma screen TV – the painter who paints on the weekends and gives away their creations as gifts, or the painter who pays the bills by being an accountant and refuses to think about how much they enjoyed painting when they were younger? The person who has an unpublished novel sitting on their desk or one sitting one their soul? Dreams are the best toys of all, the best joy-givers, and The Future needs more joy. Dream your dreams and find a way to live them in order to make the Future brighter, to make your life brighter.
Option 4 is the problem for a whole bunch of other people, and is sometimes tied in with option 3. Option 4 is for people who settle, because they just can’t see themselves as making it big. They think that they aren’t large enough, that their souls aren’t large enough, to handle a big dream, so they make a small dream. That’s just bull. Our souls are infinite. Our talent is immense. Our creativity is phenomenal. And we can handle our dreams if we just trust ourselves to do it. Sometimes, you need to babystep your way into a big dream. You don’t just hop into a gallery showing when you haven’t painted your first picture or try out for the Olympics before you begin a training program. But make certain that you know it’s just a babystep and not the end.
Now, before I get more things thrown at the screen, I do understand that sometimes some dreams are unattainable to a degree. It is entirely possible that if you start out when you are 30 that you will not become an Olympic gold medalist. But, is the gold medal the only part of that dream that is important? Or is it national or world-wide recognition? Or is it having an incredible body? Or is it showing up your brother who got a silver medal at the Olympics? What is truly important? Can you get it some other way? Also know that some dreams may need to be set aside for a while in order to become attained. Perhaps there isn’t a method of presentation for your dream (like someone who thought of a great TV show before there was TV) or a proper medium (like someone who needed plastic before it was invented). What’s important is the heart of the dream, that it never dies.
Now, all that is just the first step – making certain that your dream is really your dream. If it is truly your dream and it is in the form that you have dreamt it, then what do you do if you never want to work on it?
Is the first step small enough? Is there any way you can make it smaller?
Is the next step exciting enough? Perhaps you have to do some of the bookkeeping or other uninteresting task, like cleaning the brushes or making space in the garage, and the dreariness of the next step is just overwhelming. Break down that step into small bits, remind yourself of what amazing dreaming you will be doing on the other side of that step, and reward yourself when you get the dreary bit done.
Will you be punished for taking the next step? Now, this may be a shock to some people, but there are not only dream-stealers out there, there are also dream-killers. There are people who will hurt others if they dare to dream. Will you be ridiculed? Bullied? Ignored? Or will the dream-killer be even worse? Will your products get destroyed? Or will you yourself get hurt? Please, get away from these people. Make that your first dream. You are too precious and too important to have your Future be limited by these people, and you never deserve to be beaten. Find Freedom, because it is in Freedom that the Future will be born. Without Freedom, the Future will be killed. If you are being punished, work with the people to make them stop if you can, leave if you cannot. If you cannot make them stop and have an extremely good reason for not leaving, then dream in private. Keep your dreams safe from them, but keep them alive. Do your work in private, or at a friend’s place. And if you are allowed no privacy? There is practically no good reason for you to stay, then. There are good reasons, yes (protection of others being the main and possibly only one), but hardly any.
Is this the right dream for right now? Me, I have several different dreams, and not all of them are feasible right now. So, I work on the ones that I can achieve or at least do something about at this point in my life, and I have put the other ones on hold for the moment. Is that true for you, as well? Is the dream you’re working on not the right one for right now? Can you find the one that is?
Are you afraid of what will happen when you achieve your dream? Will there be negative consequences. I have known plenty of people who would have bad things happen to them if their dreams were achieved. Family members would start expecting money. Family members would start shunning them for outdoing their own achievements. People would start digging into their past and find out things that are really none of their business. Spouses would leave them for no longer being “the person I married”. Or perhaps most common of all, once a dream has been achieved, it would have to be admitted that it will not bring the happiness that you seek. Sometimes, a dream is a distraction from what is truly wrong in your life, and as long as you have an unfinished dream, you don’t have to think about (much less do anything about) the true problems in your life. So, it’s better (you think) to keep the unfinished dream around as blinders or rose-colored glasses when you look at the rest of your life. Some tough questions come after this. You may want the Future to be better than the present, but are you willing to look at the problems that are in the present? I’m not saying you have to fix them, but are you willing to at least see them? If you truly cannot face those things in your life that you are hiding behind your dream, then find a second dream. Create your first dream, make it real, make it true, birth the Future that includes the wonderful things you will bring to it, and then immediately go on to the second dream so that you never have to see whatever it is that you’re afraid of. It’s the coward’s way out, but it is one of two. The first is the one you’re using right now. This way, at least your dreams come true and the Future becomes better. Not as good as if you worked on those problems you don’t want to face, but better than it is now. Don’t worry, there are an infinite number of dreams and distractions out there. Just keep bringing wonder to the Future, no matter what.
When you bring your dreams to life, when you share them with others, you make the world a better place, one with more creativity and life. You birth the Future that you want – one where your dreams are alive and well. You deserve amazing dreams, and you deserve an amazing life, and we all deserve and amazing Future, and we make it happen. Continue to dream, both in thought and in deed.
Friday, July 27, 2007
What You Don’t Want To Do
It’s easy to get motivated to want to do something. It’s tougher to get motivated to want to do something enough that you actually do it. And it’s not necessarily that you don’t want to do it, it’s just that there’s something else you’d rather do more. Or, in many cases, the parts of you that don’t want to perform this action outnumber the parts of you that do. Sometimes it’s just plain inertia. You’re already doing nothing productive and would prefer to stay that way for right now. But you can get yourself out of it.
One method is compromise. Promise yourself that you get to go back to the nothing productive as soon as you do this little, itty bit of the thing you want to do. You’ll have to make it small enough to convince your grumpy/unmotivated/scared parts. If you still don’t want to do it, make it smaller. Don’t suggest that you write a page of your novel. Write a sentence. Don’t call your mother. Write her a note. Or a postcard. Don’t phone for a job interview. Revamp your resume for 5 minutes. Or, if you’ve done that already, print out ten copies. Don’t paint one picture. Hold a paintbrush in your hand. All of these are small things, pieces of a bigger dream (getting on the best seller’s list, improving your relationship with your mother, getting a new job, having a gallery showing). But with big dreams (and you deserve big dreams), there can be big worries and fears. So, you sidestep these worries and fears (when you can’t plow right through them) by going small. Smaller than your worries and fears, which can seem huge, but which burn out when you don’t feed them big bits of dream.
Even if what isn’t getting done isn’t a part of a dream, you can still do these little bits to “trick” your grumpiness, fear, worry, sloth. Need to clean the house top to bottom? That’s a heck of a thing. Can you load the dishwasher instead? Even at a little bit, your kitchen will look and smell cleaner than it had before you did it. And perhaps those grumpy, etc., bits will be a little quieter as you look for something else small to do.
Another method is plowing right through your grumpy bits. Feel them, but do it any way by brute force. I will spend six hours at the computer writing this novel if it kills me! It works, sometimes, depending on your mood, your health, your willpower, and your grumpiness. Sometimes your grumpiness is more powerful than your willpower. This does not mean you’re weak! This means that you need to cut down the grumpy bits to a more manageable size. This method works very rarely for me. I use compromise a whole lot more often.
A third method is reward, another method I use more often than brute force. If I do three things on my to do list, I get a reward. If I exercise, I get a reward (not food). If I do X, then I get to play for 15 minutes or read a book I picked up from the library or whatever else I’m in the mood for. Pick something that does not sabotage you as a reward, and then “bribe” yourself into doing what needs to be done. If you have issues with weight or sugar, do not use food as a reward. If you do not have the money to spend, do not use a shopping spree as a reward. If you know that you always spend at least an hour on that website and you don’t have an hour right now, do not use that as a reward. Pick something that is healthy for you that you want – time reading or biking, a new hat (from the thrift store, if your wallet isn’t fat), a ripe plum, or the night off from worrying and berating yourself about this thing. Or whatever works for you. Figure out something that feels good and isn’t bad for you and wham! You have a reward.
One last method is more drastic than the others. Not much more drastic than sheer brute force, but close. You take away all of your distractions, until there is nothing left but the thing you’re avoiding but want to do and other things you’ve been avoiding. I have deleted a game from my computer because I played it too much. It freed up a good bit of time. I now play other computer games rather than do my work sometimes, but not as much as that game drew me in. I have also gotten my bathrooms cleaned and the floors swept on more than one occasion just because I wouldn’t allow myself to do anything fun and yet my grumpy bits still didn’t do that other thing, whatever it happened to be. I have been very amused at myself and the lengths I will go to in order to avoid the thing I’ve been avoiding. Typically it’s writing, but not always.
So how do you do this anti-distraction thing? This could be tough. First, what qualifies as a distraction for you? Do you talk a lot on the phone? Do you garden to the exclusion of everything else? Do you, too, play computer games? Or perhaps you, too, read a book until it’s finished no matter how long it takes? Is there a TV show that you just can’t miss? Are you a web surfer extraordinaire? Figure out what you do when you aren’t doing what you don’t want to do (or, rather, what you want to do, but your grumpy bits don’t). Then eliminate it, at least temporarily. Unplug your phone and turn on the answering machine. Check it once an hour in case of emergency. Lock your gardening gloves and other things into the shed or garage or trunk and give someone else the key. Turn off your computer and don’t turn it back on. Or take off the plugs so that it’s that much harder to get power back to it and gives you a little bit more time to think “Do I really want to spend the next part of my life on the computer rather than live my dream?” Quite frankly, sometimes the answer is yes, and that’s okay. It’s when the answer is always yes that you’ve got a problem. That’s a topic for another time.
Don’t get the book or loan it to a friend. Set up your VCR and put a giant piece of paper over your TV screen. And when all that doesn’t work, when you simply have to have a treat or have to clean the bathroom rather than look at your scrapbooking materials one more time, then do it. For the next fifteen minutes, do something else. Then try again. Are your grumpy bits more willing to do 5 minutes of dream now? Or 1 minute? If not, another 15 minutes somewhere else, something else, and try again. And you keep trying. If you use this as a good excuse to get other undesirable chores done, that’s wonderful. At least the cat box is clean and your lawn is mowed and the car is washed. And you’ve been thinking about your dream, because it’s the reason you’re cleaning the cat box, mowing the lawn, or washing the car. It’s tough to keep every bit of your mind off the thing you’re avoiding.
I can hear some of you yelling (mentally) at your computer screen and throwing popcorn at it or other such things. “One minute won’t make a bit of difference!” Wrong. One minute can make a huge difference, when there’s enough of them. One sit up does not a washboard stomach make, but one sit up done numerous times does. All your bits of dreams and dream-doing will add up into something amazing, something wonderful. A novel is written one sentence at a time, and if those five sentences in that paragraph were written in a flurry of motion one day or over five different weeks, they won’t know it when they read it. Did you exercise ten minutes today or twenty? Or three? Will it matter to anyone but you when you finish your marathon? If it takes you ten years to find a new job instead of ten months, does that mean you don’t get your dream job at all? Nope, it just means that you have that much more life experience to bring to your dream job. The important part is for you to do something that brings you closer to the accomplishment of your dream, to the birth of The Future that you want. Do one little bit. Large enough that you actually do something, small enough to bypass your grumpy bits.
Your dreams are amazing, and so are you. Live them, and create the Life you want.
One method is compromise. Promise yourself that you get to go back to the nothing productive as soon as you do this little, itty bit of the thing you want to do. You’ll have to make it small enough to convince your grumpy/unmotivated/scared parts. If you still don’t want to do it, make it smaller. Don’t suggest that you write a page of your novel. Write a sentence. Don’t call your mother. Write her a note. Or a postcard. Don’t phone for a job interview. Revamp your resume for 5 minutes. Or, if you’ve done that already, print out ten copies. Don’t paint one picture. Hold a paintbrush in your hand. All of these are small things, pieces of a bigger dream (getting on the best seller’s list, improving your relationship with your mother, getting a new job, having a gallery showing). But with big dreams (and you deserve big dreams), there can be big worries and fears. So, you sidestep these worries and fears (when you can’t plow right through them) by going small. Smaller than your worries and fears, which can seem huge, but which burn out when you don’t feed them big bits of dream.
Even if what isn’t getting done isn’t a part of a dream, you can still do these little bits to “trick” your grumpiness, fear, worry, sloth. Need to clean the house top to bottom? That’s a heck of a thing. Can you load the dishwasher instead? Even at a little bit, your kitchen will look and smell cleaner than it had before you did it. And perhaps those grumpy, etc., bits will be a little quieter as you look for something else small to do.
Another method is plowing right through your grumpy bits. Feel them, but do it any way by brute force. I will spend six hours at the computer writing this novel if it kills me! It works, sometimes, depending on your mood, your health, your willpower, and your grumpiness. Sometimes your grumpiness is more powerful than your willpower. This does not mean you’re weak! This means that you need to cut down the grumpy bits to a more manageable size. This method works very rarely for me. I use compromise a whole lot more often.
A third method is reward, another method I use more often than brute force. If I do three things on my to do list, I get a reward. If I exercise, I get a reward (not food). If I do X, then I get to play for 15 minutes or read a book I picked up from the library or whatever else I’m in the mood for. Pick something that does not sabotage you as a reward, and then “bribe” yourself into doing what needs to be done. If you have issues with weight or sugar, do not use food as a reward. If you do not have the money to spend, do not use a shopping spree as a reward. If you know that you always spend at least an hour on that website and you don’t have an hour right now, do not use that as a reward. Pick something that is healthy for you that you want – time reading or biking, a new hat (from the thrift store, if your wallet isn’t fat), a ripe plum, or the night off from worrying and berating yourself about this thing. Or whatever works for you. Figure out something that feels good and isn’t bad for you and wham! You have a reward.
One last method is more drastic than the others. Not much more drastic than sheer brute force, but close. You take away all of your distractions, until there is nothing left but the thing you’re avoiding but want to do and other things you’ve been avoiding. I have deleted a game from my computer because I played it too much. It freed up a good bit of time. I now play other computer games rather than do my work sometimes, but not as much as that game drew me in. I have also gotten my bathrooms cleaned and the floors swept on more than one occasion just because I wouldn’t allow myself to do anything fun and yet my grumpy bits still didn’t do that other thing, whatever it happened to be. I have been very amused at myself and the lengths I will go to in order to avoid the thing I’ve been avoiding. Typically it’s writing, but not always.
So how do you do this anti-distraction thing? This could be tough. First, what qualifies as a distraction for you? Do you talk a lot on the phone? Do you garden to the exclusion of everything else? Do you, too, play computer games? Or perhaps you, too, read a book until it’s finished no matter how long it takes? Is there a TV show that you just can’t miss? Are you a web surfer extraordinaire? Figure out what you do when you aren’t doing what you don’t want to do (or, rather, what you want to do, but your grumpy bits don’t). Then eliminate it, at least temporarily. Unplug your phone and turn on the answering machine. Check it once an hour in case of emergency. Lock your gardening gloves and other things into the shed or garage or trunk and give someone else the key. Turn off your computer and don’t turn it back on. Or take off the plugs so that it’s that much harder to get power back to it and gives you a little bit more time to think “Do I really want to spend the next part of my life on the computer rather than live my dream?” Quite frankly, sometimes the answer is yes, and that’s okay. It’s when the answer is always yes that you’ve got a problem. That’s a topic for another time.
Don’t get the book or loan it to a friend. Set up your VCR and put a giant piece of paper over your TV screen. And when all that doesn’t work, when you simply have to have a treat or have to clean the bathroom rather than look at your scrapbooking materials one more time, then do it. For the next fifteen minutes, do something else. Then try again. Are your grumpy bits more willing to do 5 minutes of dream now? Or 1 minute? If not, another 15 minutes somewhere else, something else, and try again. And you keep trying. If you use this as a good excuse to get other undesirable chores done, that’s wonderful. At least the cat box is clean and your lawn is mowed and the car is washed. And you’ve been thinking about your dream, because it’s the reason you’re cleaning the cat box, mowing the lawn, or washing the car. It’s tough to keep every bit of your mind off the thing you’re avoiding.
I can hear some of you yelling (mentally) at your computer screen and throwing popcorn at it or other such things. “One minute won’t make a bit of difference!” Wrong. One minute can make a huge difference, when there’s enough of them. One sit up does not a washboard stomach make, but one sit up done numerous times does. All your bits of dreams and dream-doing will add up into something amazing, something wonderful. A novel is written one sentence at a time, and if those five sentences in that paragraph were written in a flurry of motion one day or over five different weeks, they won’t know it when they read it. Did you exercise ten minutes today or twenty? Or three? Will it matter to anyone but you when you finish your marathon? If it takes you ten years to find a new job instead of ten months, does that mean you don’t get your dream job at all? Nope, it just means that you have that much more life experience to bring to your dream job. The important part is for you to do something that brings you closer to the accomplishment of your dream, to the birth of The Future that you want. Do one little bit. Large enough that you actually do something, small enough to bypass your grumpy bits.
Your dreams are amazing, and so are you. Live them, and create the Life you want.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Worry
Worry is useless. Next to useless, at least. Worrying about something that hasn’t happened and might not happen is simply creating heartache where none needs exist. Putting your energy into worrying is like tossing your money into a fire. It may make a pretty spark, but it doesn’t do a whole lot of good and it costs you quite a bit.
The only use that worry has is helping to pinpoint something that is bothering you. If you’re worried about how someone will behave at a party, then figure out why you’re worried about that. If you think that the person will behave poorly, why did you invite the person? Was it a sense of obligation? Did you feel you had to? Why didn’t you just not invite the person and see him/her some other time, some other place? If you’re worried about getting into a car accident, why? Focusing your energy on the possibility of a car accident takes it away from driving more safely. Don’t tell me that the worry helps to hone your observational skills, that you’re more cautious when you worry about getting into an accident. That’s being more cautious. You don’t have to worry in order to be more cautious. You can realize that an accident is a possibility and not worry. You don’t have to worry in order to make that realization.
There are two truly insidious things about worrying. The first is that it saps your energy from doing anything productive. If you’re worried about not having enough insurance in case of a fire, you won’t have enough energy to do something about it. Rather than worry, realize that it’s a possibility and then do something productive about it. Call your insurance agent. Re-read your insurance policy. Change insurance companies if you have to. Take out more insurance if you have to. Take steps to make your home or business more fire resistant. Get some fire extinguishers and train everyone how to use them. Get some smoke detectors and install them. There are so many things you can do about this issue, but when you worry about it, you feel like you’re doing something when really you’re just burning energy without any product. It’s like idling your car when you don’t have to – it burns the gas without getting you anywhere.
The second insidious thing about worry is that it’s contagious. And there are carriers of worry. I’ve had to eject a few negative people out of my life because their constant negativity and worrying sapped not only their energy but my own. Do you know one of these people? (and congratulations to you if you don’t!) You ask them how they’re doing, and they respond with a laundry list of grievances and worries that plague their life. How do you feel afterwards? Awful? Or at the very least less chipper or happy than you had been before you spoke with them? It takes a strong person to listen to someone complain and moan and not pick up some of the negativity, and not let it affect their mood. I’m getting stronger in that way, but I haven’t quite hit it yet.
When the world has less energy, there’s less energy to make the changes necessary. There are fewer people willing to do what needs to be done to give birth to The Future that can be. When someone tries to steal your energy with worry and negativity, don’t let them. Do what you can to prevent it. And most importantly, don’t let that someone be you. See what you’re worrying over, and see what you can do to make it better. And if you can’t do anything about it, then focus on something else. Let go of the things you can’t do anything about, as much as you can. Focus your energy on something that needs your time and attention. Make The Future better, and let worry become a thing of the past.
The only use that worry has is helping to pinpoint something that is bothering you. If you’re worried about how someone will behave at a party, then figure out why you’re worried about that. If you think that the person will behave poorly, why did you invite the person? Was it a sense of obligation? Did you feel you had to? Why didn’t you just not invite the person and see him/her some other time, some other place? If you’re worried about getting into a car accident, why? Focusing your energy on the possibility of a car accident takes it away from driving more safely. Don’t tell me that the worry helps to hone your observational skills, that you’re more cautious when you worry about getting into an accident. That’s being more cautious. You don’t have to worry in order to be more cautious. You can realize that an accident is a possibility and not worry. You don’t have to worry in order to make that realization.
There are two truly insidious things about worrying. The first is that it saps your energy from doing anything productive. If you’re worried about not having enough insurance in case of a fire, you won’t have enough energy to do something about it. Rather than worry, realize that it’s a possibility and then do something productive about it. Call your insurance agent. Re-read your insurance policy. Change insurance companies if you have to. Take out more insurance if you have to. Take steps to make your home or business more fire resistant. Get some fire extinguishers and train everyone how to use them. Get some smoke detectors and install them. There are so many things you can do about this issue, but when you worry about it, you feel like you’re doing something when really you’re just burning energy without any product. It’s like idling your car when you don’t have to – it burns the gas without getting you anywhere.
The second insidious thing about worry is that it’s contagious. And there are carriers of worry. I’ve had to eject a few negative people out of my life because their constant negativity and worrying sapped not only their energy but my own. Do you know one of these people? (and congratulations to you if you don’t!) You ask them how they’re doing, and they respond with a laundry list of grievances and worries that plague their life. How do you feel afterwards? Awful? Or at the very least less chipper or happy than you had been before you spoke with them? It takes a strong person to listen to someone complain and moan and not pick up some of the negativity, and not let it affect their mood. I’m getting stronger in that way, but I haven’t quite hit it yet.
When the world has less energy, there’s less energy to make the changes necessary. There are fewer people willing to do what needs to be done to give birth to The Future that can be. When someone tries to steal your energy with worry and negativity, don’t let them. Do what you can to prevent it. And most importantly, don’t let that someone be you. See what you’re worrying over, and see what you can do to make it better. And if you can’t do anything about it, then focus on something else. Let go of the things you can’t do anything about, as much as you can. Focus your energy on something that needs your time and attention. Make The Future better, and let worry become a thing of the past.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
An Essay from 1996
With the gift of life comes purpose. No one was born without a purpose, a reason for being here. Life is too complicated, too impossible in odds for it to be simple chance or luck that a sperm and egg unite and exist and grow for nine months to be born into this world. So much can go wrong. Something must be guiding the process – making sure what can go wrong does not. With all our technology and medical “miracles”, children die before being born to this earth – as it has always been, and as it always will be.
There is a reason you are on this earth. There is a reason I am on this earth. Our reasons need not be the same. The origins of our reasons – what has guided our processes – need not be the same. In Christian terms, I may be “blest by God”. You may be “possessed by the Devil”. Or perhaps the other way around. Or there may be a host of other origins surrounding us, pressing their children, trying to have us do their will – with or without our realization.
Once upon a time I believed my role upon this earth was to be passive. I was to listen as my means of helping. Nothing more than a sounding board to others – inert, impassive, unimpressive. But slowly I swayed, my belief of my purpose alter. A counselor, a therapist – a listener with advice. This advice, I believed, was to be obtained from books and study. So silly. Life is not learned from books.
Life is not learned from books.
It is learned from living, from others, from dreams and spirituality. Years ago I would have laughed at or analyzed my spiritual trips. I soar above the land with Hawk. I hunt and sleep with Wolf. I bathe and sleep in a seclude glen, alone. I learn. I learn of myself and the world. I learn of what can be again and what I can do to cause it to be.
My role, my purpose, my reason and guidance are active. I will do and create. My reason and purpose are still being unfolded to my mind. I am still learning. But I will cause a change.
It’s already begun. I have changed myself. People are no longer to be feared or emulated. No! They are to be learned from and perhaps more. Unfortunately, some people are to be learned from by negativity. Do not do as they do, think as they think, use as they use, or fear as they fear.
But all this I haven’t found someone to share with. Too deep or too intimidating.
Some don’t know they have a purpose. It has been forgotten, and most don’t care to relearn. It is so sad. Perhaps that is why the Universe has allowed so many people to infest the earth, hurting it, causing pain before passing back into the etherworld. So few of us see the light – know there are things to be done. Know a purpose has brought us to this earth and it is time for a change. Perhaps the Universe is a gambler or a statistician – the more often you play, the more often you win. The more people you allow to be born, the more than will know, will remember, will live to their purpose, will help bring a change.
Some people aren’t that spiritual. They don’t like believing they are alive for some grand purpose. Too much weight, too much responsibility, too deep. The world of the five senses is enough for them. The rest of the Universe can be damned.
Others know of the rest of the Universe. Their minds can reach out or in to a realm beyond sight and touch, but still it is so odd to them, this concept of purpose and the need for change. To them, things are progressing well. There is a need for some changes, but it is not up to them to do them. I prefer to think these people are already fulfilling their purpose like some of those who are prisoners of their bodies and senses.
But still it would be nice if more knew. If more shared the passion. It can be lonely to have this overwhelming knowledge of possibilities and wonderments and no one to share it with. It strains against me, begging to be let forth through me into the world. But there is no one there to receive it. I can release it to the air or try to tell it to those who don’t share my passion, but it comes back to me, having no where else to go. And if I release it to someone, someone without the knowledge and fire, I become diminished in their eyes because they cannot understand.
I turned down a job I now wish I had taken – almost. It was ringing doorbells and talking to people. Not the most appealing of jobs, but my God the benefits! Speaking with fire, being around those who share a passion, expounding on the needs of the world and what we, personally, can do, and to be understood!
Even those whose passion is different from mine, their company would be extremely welcome, though it is never unwelcome. I am so lonely, and it has nothing to do with being with people.
People for thousands of years have been saying the world must change and a judgment day is not far away if we do not change. We are right. But others see the next hundred years as ending fine, so all things are fine. They do not understand that while a hundred years if long for a single human, it is nothing for humankind or for the Earth. The Earth is so old that five thousand years is not long for her, much less two. We have hurt and poisoned the Earth so much in the last two thousand years, I shudder to think what could happen in the next two millennia if humankind stays on this road. This is why I am here, to help the humankind change its ways and help the Earth heal.
Silly, shortsighted people see the task as daunting, too much for one person to do alone. They are half right. It is too much for one person to do alone. But it is not too much for many people to do. I am one of the many. I will not do it all. I will do my part and encourage others to do a little. Put a single can in the recycling bin instead of the garbage can. Walk once to the corner store on a nice day instead of taking the car. Turn off the living room light when leaving the house. These things can be done. People learn by imitation and habit. If every time I have friends over I have them put their soda cans in a recycling bin rather than the trash, they may do so in other places. If a friend’s child sees me turn off a light every time I cam the last person to leave a room, the child may do the same. If I tell a friend I am going to donate old clothing and toys and does she have anything she would like me to take, she may save her things to let me donate another time rather than throwing them away. And others, seeing my acquaintances act like this, may begin to imitate until it becomes a habit. And so the web continues, with me at the center of this particular section. I myself want to do big things, but I will influence the lives I touch in small ways. My life touches others, and theirs others yet. Long after I am gone from this Earth, my influence will still be here.
It took a lot of time for the Earth and humankind to progress to this point, and it will take a lot of time and work to undo it. Some people see the entire job and decide since they cannot do it all themselves in this lifetime, it cannot be done at all. Others see what an individual can do and decide it is so little compared to the whole job that it isn’t worth doing. They don’t understand the web, the interconnectedness among humans. Their doing a small part may influence others to do a small part who in turn influence others. Small parts added together make a big difference. Unfortunately, apathy, too, travels along the web.
Who do I connect with? people ask. I don’t have that kind of influence, they say. Your spouse, your significant other, your children are the easiest. If you care, you can suggest at work or your favorite hangout that they have recycling bins. Your friends, through your rules when they are at your house and your actions when you are at theirs. Other families on picnics who see you bring a separate bag for recyclables. Your favorite stores by requesting recyclable bags for your purchases. Your favorite grocery store by requesting they stock low-wattage bulbs and then buying them. National grocery brand companies are by buying only recyclable or reduced-waste containers. So much influence in a single person and so many blind to it. That is the greatest tragedy, the greatest waste.
So much to do, so much that can be done. The passion in me to help the Earth and humankind will never die. But now and again, it could use a kindred soul to help ease my loneliness.
There is a reason you are on this earth. There is a reason I am on this earth. Our reasons need not be the same. The origins of our reasons – what has guided our processes – need not be the same. In Christian terms, I may be “blest by God”. You may be “possessed by the Devil”. Or perhaps the other way around. Or there may be a host of other origins surrounding us, pressing their children, trying to have us do their will – with or without our realization.
Once upon a time I believed my role upon this earth was to be passive. I was to listen as my means of helping. Nothing more than a sounding board to others – inert, impassive, unimpressive. But slowly I swayed, my belief of my purpose alter. A counselor, a therapist – a listener with advice. This advice, I believed, was to be obtained from books and study. So silly. Life is not learned from books.
Life is not learned from books.
It is learned from living, from others, from dreams and spirituality. Years ago I would have laughed at or analyzed my spiritual trips. I soar above the land with Hawk. I hunt and sleep with Wolf. I bathe and sleep in a seclude glen, alone. I learn. I learn of myself and the world. I learn of what can be again and what I can do to cause it to be.
My role, my purpose, my reason and guidance are active. I will do and create. My reason and purpose are still being unfolded to my mind. I am still learning. But I will cause a change.
It’s already begun. I have changed myself. People are no longer to be feared or emulated. No! They are to be learned from and perhaps more. Unfortunately, some people are to be learned from by negativity. Do not do as they do, think as they think, use as they use, or fear as they fear.
But all this I haven’t found someone to share with. Too deep or too intimidating.
Some don’t know they have a purpose. It has been forgotten, and most don’t care to relearn. It is so sad. Perhaps that is why the Universe has allowed so many people to infest the earth, hurting it, causing pain before passing back into the etherworld. So few of us see the light – know there are things to be done. Know a purpose has brought us to this earth and it is time for a change. Perhaps the Universe is a gambler or a statistician – the more often you play, the more often you win. The more people you allow to be born, the more than will know, will remember, will live to their purpose, will help bring a change.
Some people aren’t that spiritual. They don’t like believing they are alive for some grand purpose. Too much weight, too much responsibility, too deep. The world of the five senses is enough for them. The rest of the Universe can be damned.
Others know of the rest of the Universe. Their minds can reach out or in to a realm beyond sight and touch, but still it is so odd to them, this concept of purpose and the need for change. To them, things are progressing well. There is a need for some changes, but it is not up to them to do them. I prefer to think these people are already fulfilling their purpose like some of those who are prisoners of their bodies and senses.
But still it would be nice if more knew. If more shared the passion. It can be lonely to have this overwhelming knowledge of possibilities and wonderments and no one to share it with. It strains against me, begging to be let forth through me into the world. But there is no one there to receive it. I can release it to the air or try to tell it to those who don’t share my passion, but it comes back to me, having no where else to go. And if I release it to someone, someone without the knowledge and fire, I become diminished in their eyes because they cannot understand.
I turned down a job I now wish I had taken – almost. It was ringing doorbells and talking to people. Not the most appealing of jobs, but my God the benefits! Speaking with fire, being around those who share a passion, expounding on the needs of the world and what we, personally, can do, and to be understood!
Even those whose passion is different from mine, their company would be extremely welcome, though it is never unwelcome. I am so lonely, and it has nothing to do with being with people.
People for thousands of years have been saying the world must change and a judgment day is not far away if we do not change. We are right. But others see the next hundred years as ending fine, so all things are fine. They do not understand that while a hundred years if long for a single human, it is nothing for humankind or for the Earth. The Earth is so old that five thousand years is not long for her, much less two. We have hurt and poisoned the Earth so much in the last two thousand years, I shudder to think what could happen in the next two millennia if humankind stays on this road. This is why I am here, to help the humankind change its ways and help the Earth heal.
Silly, shortsighted people see the task as daunting, too much for one person to do alone. They are half right. It is too much for one person to do alone. But it is not too much for many people to do. I am one of the many. I will not do it all. I will do my part and encourage others to do a little. Put a single can in the recycling bin instead of the garbage can. Walk once to the corner store on a nice day instead of taking the car. Turn off the living room light when leaving the house. These things can be done. People learn by imitation and habit. If every time I have friends over I have them put their soda cans in a recycling bin rather than the trash, they may do so in other places. If a friend’s child sees me turn off a light every time I cam the last person to leave a room, the child may do the same. If I tell a friend I am going to donate old clothing and toys and does she have anything she would like me to take, she may save her things to let me donate another time rather than throwing them away. And others, seeing my acquaintances act like this, may begin to imitate until it becomes a habit. And so the web continues, with me at the center of this particular section. I myself want to do big things, but I will influence the lives I touch in small ways. My life touches others, and theirs others yet. Long after I am gone from this Earth, my influence will still be here.
It took a lot of time for the Earth and humankind to progress to this point, and it will take a lot of time and work to undo it. Some people see the entire job and decide since they cannot do it all themselves in this lifetime, it cannot be done at all. Others see what an individual can do and decide it is so little compared to the whole job that it isn’t worth doing. They don’t understand the web, the interconnectedness among humans. Their doing a small part may influence others to do a small part who in turn influence others. Small parts added together make a big difference. Unfortunately, apathy, too, travels along the web.
Who do I connect with? people ask. I don’t have that kind of influence, they say. Your spouse, your significant other, your children are the easiest. If you care, you can suggest at work or your favorite hangout that they have recycling bins. Your friends, through your rules when they are at your house and your actions when you are at theirs. Other families on picnics who see you bring a separate bag for recyclables. Your favorite stores by requesting recyclable bags for your purchases. Your favorite grocery store by requesting they stock low-wattage bulbs and then buying them. National grocery brand companies are by buying only recyclable or reduced-waste containers. So much influence in a single person and so many blind to it. That is the greatest tragedy, the greatest waste.
So much to do, so much that can be done. The passion in me to help the Earth and humankind will never die. But now and again, it could use a kindred soul to help ease my loneliness.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Attitudes
There are a lot of things in life you can’t control. Your actions and your attitudes are two things you can. Actions, it would seem, are a lot easier to control than attitudes, but it doesn’t have to be so. You can change your attitude about things, even other people’s actions or attitudes, but first you must be aware of them. How do you truly feel about some things?
Say you have a physical difference – your height, your skin, your weight, your shape, or any of a number of things. If someone teases or criticizes you about it, if you’re like most people, you’ll probably get angry or defensive. But I’ve found that those who are most angry or defensive agree with the criticism. They may not even know it. If you ask them, “Why do you let it get to you?”, they may respond, “(S)He shouldn’t make fun of people like that” or “It’s just plain mean”. Yet others who have the same physical difference react differently, shrug it off, make a joke, calmly tell the person to stop. Why the difference? It’s about attitude. Perhaps you agree. Perhaps you don’t even know it. Perhaps you’ve heard the comment so often that it’s gotten into your skull. That’s why some people can still “hear” their mother or father criticizing them long after they’ve passed away. But do you agree? Do you think you’re too short, fat, tall, dark, freckled, plain, and so on? You could be reacting not only to others’ criticism but your own. Once you figure out who and what you’re responding to, you can choose your actions more clearly.
And if you do feel critical of yourself? If you discover to your dismay that you do think of yourself the same thing everyone else has been saying? Then you can change it. You can’t change what you don’t know exists. But how? I’ll get to that in a minute.
What if you don’t agree? What if your anger and defensiveness stem from something else entirely? Are you angry over the criticism? Then either try to change the person’s actions (criticizing you), the object of the criticism (but how do you change your height), or your attitude. You can ask someone to stop, but you cannot control if he/she does. You cannot control your height, freckles, or shape, though you can in some cases influence it through your actions, which you can control. Or change your attitude.
If it’s the person (rather than the criticism) that is upsetting you, try to change their actions, change your own (avoid them, tune them out), or change your attitude.
Or maybe it’s a bad day or you’re tired or you’re angry over something else. But back to attitudes.
How do you change your attitude? First, you change your thoughts. Entirely possible. Even if you’ve been called stupid your entire life, so much so that you can hear it still in your head, you can still change your thoughts. Put bluntly, you brainwash yourself. The phrase “stupid”, “fat”, “plain”, whatever, is in your head because you’ve heard it before and it stuck. Or “it’s okay to lash out at people who criticize”, “any comments must be critical or threatening”, “that was meant mean-spirited and demeaning” even if it was meant helpfully. These things may not be things you heard specifically but saw in action.
So you put a different though, a different memory into your head, and you do that repeatedly. And you make yourself pause so that your (re)action is the one you want rather than the older one.
Your attitudes are, after all, made up of your thoughts and your actions. The attitude you see – that you think you portray – is more about your thoughts. The attitude others see is more about your actions (including your facial expressions, which are most often dictated by your thoughts). Will you ever get rid of that thought? Maybe not. But you can drown it out, weaken it so that it’s nothing but an occasional twinge of an old injury rather than an obstacle you need to overcome.
Repeat the thought to yourself whenever you have nothing else to use your mind. Folding laundry, driving when nothing’s on the radio, when you can’t fall asleep. Repeat the actions when and where you can. Don’t lash out, don’t tense up, don’t cry over someone else’s problem. Stop your tongue. Bite back a comment before it’s out of your mouth or as soon as you can. Take a deep breath and will your shoulders to relax and lower. Remind yourself of the beauty and light in this life rather than the other person’s hatred and ugliness.
This will take practice. Your brain/heart/soul have had years to teach you this old way. Many repetitions have gone into it. You will need to repeat the new way – the way you are choosing – many times to strengthen it and defeat the old way. It’s like a muscle. If you want your arm to get stronger, you must repeat arm exercises. If you want your new attitude to get stronger, you must repeat your “attitude exercises” – repeat the new thought, practice the new action, pay attention to how you think and feel so that you can take advantage of every opportunity to practice. You can change your attitudes, your thoughts, and your actions. The first attitude to create is that you can change.
So what’s this all about? More changing of me? What the hey?
When you free yourself from attitudes you don’t like, you have more time and energy to do what you need to do. When you are rid of other-imposed views and beliefs, you have the freedom to change your life into anything you want, to change yourself into anything you want, including a crusader for the Future Being Born.
If you are exhausted from work, it’s hard to be up for working at home. If you’re too busy fighting the injustices and tyrannies in your own mind, you won’t have the time to fight the injustices and tyrannies “out there”.
Say you have a physical difference – your height, your skin, your weight, your shape, or any of a number of things. If someone teases or criticizes you about it, if you’re like most people, you’ll probably get angry or defensive. But I’ve found that those who are most angry or defensive agree with the criticism. They may not even know it. If you ask them, “Why do you let it get to you?”, they may respond, “(S)He shouldn’t make fun of people like that” or “It’s just plain mean”. Yet others who have the same physical difference react differently, shrug it off, make a joke, calmly tell the person to stop. Why the difference? It’s about attitude. Perhaps you agree. Perhaps you don’t even know it. Perhaps you’ve heard the comment so often that it’s gotten into your skull. That’s why some people can still “hear” their mother or father criticizing them long after they’ve passed away. But do you agree? Do you think you’re too short, fat, tall, dark, freckled, plain, and so on? You could be reacting not only to others’ criticism but your own. Once you figure out who and what you’re responding to, you can choose your actions more clearly.
And if you do feel critical of yourself? If you discover to your dismay that you do think of yourself the same thing everyone else has been saying? Then you can change it. You can’t change what you don’t know exists. But how? I’ll get to that in a minute.
What if you don’t agree? What if your anger and defensiveness stem from something else entirely? Are you angry over the criticism? Then either try to change the person’s actions (criticizing you), the object of the criticism (but how do you change your height), or your attitude. You can ask someone to stop, but you cannot control if he/she does. You cannot control your height, freckles, or shape, though you can in some cases influence it through your actions, which you can control. Or change your attitude.
If it’s the person (rather than the criticism) that is upsetting you, try to change their actions, change your own (avoid them, tune them out), or change your attitude.
Or maybe it’s a bad day or you’re tired or you’re angry over something else. But back to attitudes.
How do you change your attitude? First, you change your thoughts. Entirely possible. Even if you’ve been called stupid your entire life, so much so that you can hear it still in your head, you can still change your thoughts. Put bluntly, you brainwash yourself. The phrase “stupid”, “fat”, “plain”, whatever, is in your head because you’ve heard it before and it stuck. Or “it’s okay to lash out at people who criticize”, “any comments must be critical or threatening”, “that was meant mean-spirited and demeaning” even if it was meant helpfully. These things may not be things you heard specifically but saw in action.
So you put a different though, a different memory into your head, and you do that repeatedly. And you make yourself pause so that your (re)action is the one you want rather than the older one.
Your attitudes are, after all, made up of your thoughts and your actions. The attitude you see – that you think you portray – is more about your thoughts. The attitude others see is more about your actions (including your facial expressions, which are most often dictated by your thoughts). Will you ever get rid of that thought? Maybe not. But you can drown it out, weaken it so that it’s nothing but an occasional twinge of an old injury rather than an obstacle you need to overcome.
Repeat the thought to yourself whenever you have nothing else to use your mind. Folding laundry, driving when nothing’s on the radio, when you can’t fall asleep. Repeat the actions when and where you can. Don’t lash out, don’t tense up, don’t cry over someone else’s problem. Stop your tongue. Bite back a comment before it’s out of your mouth or as soon as you can. Take a deep breath and will your shoulders to relax and lower. Remind yourself of the beauty and light in this life rather than the other person’s hatred and ugliness.
This will take practice. Your brain/heart/soul have had years to teach you this old way. Many repetitions have gone into it. You will need to repeat the new way – the way you are choosing – many times to strengthen it and defeat the old way. It’s like a muscle. If you want your arm to get stronger, you must repeat arm exercises. If you want your new attitude to get stronger, you must repeat your “attitude exercises” – repeat the new thought, practice the new action, pay attention to how you think and feel so that you can take advantage of every opportunity to practice. You can change your attitudes, your thoughts, and your actions. The first attitude to create is that you can change.
So what’s this all about? More changing of me? What the hey?
When you free yourself from attitudes you don’t like, you have more time and energy to do what you need to do. When you are rid of other-imposed views and beliefs, you have the freedom to change your life into anything you want, to change yourself into anything you want, including a crusader for the Future Being Born.
If you are exhausted from work, it’s hard to be up for working at home. If you’re too busy fighting the injustices and tyrannies in your own mind, you won’t have the time to fight the injustices and tyrannies “out there”.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Book Review – Conscious Living
Conscious Living: Finding Joy in the Real World by Gay Hendricks is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it to everyone who wants to make a change in their life. Unlike a lot of the non-fiction books I read, this one was easy and a joy to read. And it made so much sense. Everything held an “of course” in it, a way of looking at things that I hadn’t before but realize that was an excellent way of perceiving it. It’s a blueprint of sorts to how to improve your life and free the energy inside you to bring you and your life to your fullest potential.
Book Review – The Healing Power of Humor
The Healing Power of Humor: Techniques for Getting through Loss, Setbacks, Upsets, Disappointments, Difficulties, Trials, Tribulations, and All That Not-So-Funny Stuff by Allen Klein not only has the longest title of any book I’ve read (to the best of my recollection), but it also has some great advice on how to use humor to feel better, despite your circumstances. It is true that sometimes the only thing you can control is your own attitude, and seeing things with a humorous glint in your eye can help. Even if you don’t believe that there could possibly be anything funny about death, cancer, hospitals, or lost luggage, read the book for the stories. They’re great.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
How to become a doctor (2)
But what if you’ve got problems, obstacles that you don’t see any way around? What if you’re a teen parent with a one year old child to take care of, or perhaps one on the way? What if you’re dyslexic or handicapped with only one arm or some other thing that will make coursework difficult if not impossible or will make those who hire doctors not hire you?
Let’s take a look at the teen parent problem first. You have a one year old child and you haven’t yet graduated. How are you going to go to college and then medical school while your kid is growing up? How are you going to pay for it all? Who’s going to watch your child while you’re in class, while you’re doing homework, while you’re taking exams?
Short answer – you don’t. You don’t give up your dream, but you don’t make it nearly impossible for yourself to do. It is entirely possible and sometimes highly practical to put your dream on hold for a while to do something else that will not wait – like raise your child. Now, you could move in with people who will help raise your child, take care of your kid while you’re in school. You could find scholarships galore to pay for it. But if that’s just too much for you (and for some people, just being a new parent is almost too much by itself), then raise your kid and do a bunch of “before” work for your dream.
You don’t give up, you don’t put your dream on a shelf and forget it completely, and you don’t make the child feel guilty for the delay you’re choosing. Because that’s all it is – a delay. And there is a lot of things you can do in the meantime to prepare yourself for when you can start your dream back up.
What can you do?
Whenever you take your child into the doctor, ask questions. A lot of questions. If your doctor doesn’t have the time, ask for a nurse to come back in. Or make an appointment for just the nurse in order to ask questions.
If you have the time, volunteer at the hospital, a clinic, a free clinic. See if they have any jobs. Any jobs. You will be in an atmosphere of health and medicine, and you can learn things about medicine that you wouldn’t normally. You will be a more valuable volunteer and a higher paid employee (in many places) if you know a second language and are able to act as an interpreter for patients that don’t speak English.
Read journals and magazines that talk about medical breakthroughs and practices. See if your library carries any. Try Discover, Scientific American, or Prevention. Or search their database for anything with “medicine” or “medical” or “health” in the title. If they don’t have these things, request that they get them. In the meantime, check out the medical articles in Reader’s Digest, AARP, and other popular magazines. While they don’t have their entire issue devoted to health, they’ll most likely have articles that talk about health issues. Check the web for free magazine offers and subscriptions. If your library can’t get one, perhaps you can. You can always donate the magazines to your library afterwards, if you don’t want a lot of magazines cluttering your home.
If your child’s school offers free first aid courses, take them. If your child’s school (more likely high school) offers any programs on health and prevention, go to them. If your child is taking a biology or health or physical education course that involves any text books that your child brings home, check and see if they have any chapters of interest to you.
If you have the time and can afford it, take a night class (or day class if you have a night job) or an on-line class that will get you started with college credits. Why not get a jump start on your degree?
Save for college tuition – for yourself, for your child(ren). Never underestimate the power of compound interest, the ability to turn a dollar into much more when allowed to gather up interest over several years (like the 17 or so until your child no longer needs your complete attention?).
You can do it. Maybe it’ll take you until you hit 50 to become a doctor, but you can become a doctor. Don’t let someone criticize you or make fun of you because of how old you’ll be when you become a doctor. Become one anyway. Don’t let other people steal your dreams.
Are you dyslexic? Dyslexics can learn how to read and read well. Maybe it’ll take you a little extra time to get through the text books, but does that mean you’ll be any less of a doctor? Take half a course load each semester, work on your reading. It’ll take you longer, but what’s the price of a given up dream? A piece of your soul. Isn’t a piece of your soul worth taking a little longer to become your dream?
Are you handicapped, one arm or one leg or something like that? Are there doctors out there who also have one arm or one leg? Find them. Find out how they did it. Helen Keller was a college graduate, and she didn’t have sight or hearing. It can be done. And if it hasn’t before, if there truly are no one-armed or one-legged doctors in the world? Become the first. Be the first one and become an inspiration to the rest of the world. And don’t let your dreams be limited. Perhaps you won’t become a surgeon, but is that the only type of doctor that will satisfy you? Is your dream to become a doctor or to become a surgeon or to become world known or to help people heal or what? What is your dream? Live it out. You can do that.
I highly suggest to everyone who has a dream but thinks that they can’t do it, get a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and it’s sequels – not the specialty ones (women’s, couples’, survivors’, etc.), but the main ones (2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.). You will find in the majority of them a “story” called “Consider This”. It contains a bunch of stories about people who completed their dreams at a late age or despite other obstacles or despite being turned down by publishers or cut from the athletic team or flunking out of school. They did it, and you can do it. Create the Future with your dream not only intact but realized. You can do this.
Let’s take a look at the teen parent problem first. You have a one year old child and you haven’t yet graduated. How are you going to go to college and then medical school while your kid is growing up? How are you going to pay for it all? Who’s going to watch your child while you’re in class, while you’re doing homework, while you’re taking exams?
Short answer – you don’t. You don’t give up your dream, but you don’t make it nearly impossible for yourself to do. It is entirely possible and sometimes highly practical to put your dream on hold for a while to do something else that will not wait – like raise your child. Now, you could move in with people who will help raise your child, take care of your kid while you’re in school. You could find scholarships galore to pay for it. But if that’s just too much for you (and for some people, just being a new parent is almost too much by itself), then raise your kid and do a bunch of “before” work for your dream.
You don’t give up, you don’t put your dream on a shelf and forget it completely, and you don’t make the child feel guilty for the delay you’re choosing. Because that’s all it is – a delay. And there is a lot of things you can do in the meantime to prepare yourself for when you can start your dream back up.
What can you do?
Whenever you take your child into the doctor, ask questions. A lot of questions. If your doctor doesn’t have the time, ask for a nurse to come back in. Or make an appointment for just the nurse in order to ask questions.
If you have the time, volunteer at the hospital, a clinic, a free clinic. See if they have any jobs. Any jobs. You will be in an atmosphere of health and medicine, and you can learn things about medicine that you wouldn’t normally. You will be a more valuable volunteer and a higher paid employee (in many places) if you know a second language and are able to act as an interpreter for patients that don’t speak English.
Read journals and magazines that talk about medical breakthroughs and practices. See if your library carries any. Try Discover, Scientific American, or Prevention. Or search their database for anything with “medicine” or “medical” or “health” in the title. If they don’t have these things, request that they get them. In the meantime, check out the medical articles in Reader’s Digest, AARP, and other popular magazines. While they don’t have their entire issue devoted to health, they’ll most likely have articles that talk about health issues. Check the web for free magazine offers and subscriptions. If your library can’t get one, perhaps you can. You can always donate the magazines to your library afterwards, if you don’t want a lot of magazines cluttering your home.
If your child’s school offers free first aid courses, take them. If your child’s school (more likely high school) offers any programs on health and prevention, go to them. If your child is taking a biology or health or physical education course that involves any text books that your child brings home, check and see if they have any chapters of interest to you.
If you have the time and can afford it, take a night class (or day class if you have a night job) or an on-line class that will get you started with college credits. Why not get a jump start on your degree?
Save for college tuition – for yourself, for your child(ren). Never underestimate the power of compound interest, the ability to turn a dollar into much more when allowed to gather up interest over several years (like the 17 or so until your child no longer needs your complete attention?).
You can do it. Maybe it’ll take you until you hit 50 to become a doctor, but you can become a doctor. Don’t let someone criticize you or make fun of you because of how old you’ll be when you become a doctor. Become one anyway. Don’t let other people steal your dreams.
Are you dyslexic? Dyslexics can learn how to read and read well. Maybe it’ll take you a little extra time to get through the text books, but does that mean you’ll be any less of a doctor? Take half a course load each semester, work on your reading. It’ll take you longer, but what’s the price of a given up dream? A piece of your soul. Isn’t a piece of your soul worth taking a little longer to become your dream?
Are you handicapped, one arm or one leg or something like that? Are there doctors out there who also have one arm or one leg? Find them. Find out how they did it. Helen Keller was a college graduate, and she didn’t have sight or hearing. It can be done. And if it hasn’t before, if there truly are no one-armed or one-legged doctors in the world? Become the first. Be the first one and become an inspiration to the rest of the world. And don’t let your dreams be limited. Perhaps you won’t become a surgeon, but is that the only type of doctor that will satisfy you? Is your dream to become a doctor or to become a surgeon or to become world known or to help people heal or what? What is your dream? Live it out. You can do that.
I highly suggest to everyone who has a dream but thinks that they can’t do it, get a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul and it’s sequels – not the specialty ones (women’s, couples’, survivors’, etc.), but the main ones (2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.). You will find in the majority of them a “story” called “Consider This”. It contains a bunch of stories about people who completed their dreams at a late age or despite other obstacles or despite being turned down by publishers or cut from the athletic team or flunking out of school. They did it, and you can do it. Create the Future with your dream not only intact but realized. You can do this.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
How to Become a Doctor
The usual ways:
Go to medical school, do well, and pass the examinations. Pay for it with savings and gifts.
Do incredibly well in high school, get an enormous number of scholarships, go to medical school, do well, and pass the examinations.
Do pretty well in high school, get loans and scholarships enough to pay for medical school, go to medical school, do well, and pass the examinations.
Other ways:
Sign up for the military, use the GI bill to pay for medical school.
Do poorly in high school or college, take night courses to improve your grades afterwards.
Volunteer at your local free clinic to do whatever needs to be done, use your time to learn everything you can and to do an excellent job, get letters of reference from your employers to get into medical school.
Volunteer at your local veterinarian’s office to get medical training of any sort, use your time to learn everything you can and to do an excellent job, get letters of reference from your employers to get into medical school.
Become a paramedic to get the experience and references.
Become a nurse to get the experience and references.
(I am not knocking paramedics or nurses. They work hard and do valuable things. They do not have it “easier” than doctors. However, they have slightly different requirements for their jobs and schooling, and some people may meet those requirements but not the ones for a doctor.)
Go to a second-rate or third-rate college that will accept your grades as they are, either domestic or foreign.
Find a foreign medical school that will lower their standards to meet a foreign student quota. Also applicable for minority students in
Find a place where you don’t need a license to practice medicine. Be a doctor.
Find a place where you can work through a mentoring program to learn how to become a doctor. Find a mentor.
Find a corporation that is need of medical students or in-house doctors. Work out a corporate sponsorship where they pay for your schooling and you work for them for a certain number of years to pay them back. Good companies to try would be ones that have remote sites and have difficulty keeping workers of any kind for a length of time or one with particularly dangerous work not nearby a hospital or clinic.
Find a town in a similar situation.
Find a few towns near each other in a similar situation. Have each of them pay a portion of your schooling and rotate among the towns in accordance with the portion of your schooling they paid. In either of the town situations, it would be a good-faith gesture to move to that town during breaks and volunteer as much as you’re allowed without a license.
Find a few towns that are not near each other and travel a whole lot more than the above suggestion.
You don't have to do things the usual way in order to get what you want. Be creative, and you may get everything you desire.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)