Learn to Howl (2)

On the flip side of the last post, if you surround yourself with people whose attributes you like, they will rub off on you, too. Birds of a feather and all that. Negativity can rub off on you, and so can positivity, though a lot fewer people have heard about that.

Your friends and co-workers can be a positive influence on you, and you can choose to do this. You can choose your friends and co-workers in such a way that you become a better person by having them in your life. There are a lot of people out there who have good attitudes, great work ethics, and who enjoy living.

Negativity isn’t easier than positivity. It’s just more wide spread in our culture, easier to learn at birth since you see so much of it. But once you get the hang of positive thinking and attitudes, they become just as easy as all those negative ones you used to have.

Learn to Howl

He who goes with the wolf will learn to howl. - Anonymous

Have you ever heard the old adage ‘birds of a feather flock together’? That’s basically what this quote means. Who you spend time with influences you, whether you like it or not. To what degree they influence you is up to you, but it’s a question of what you want to do.

Do you want to spend your time fighting off the negative influences of the people around you? Their negativity, their greed, their prejudices, their violence, their whatever it is that they have that you don’t want? You have better uses for your energy – if you aren’t around them, that is.

If you remove yourself from these people, or if you remove these people from your life, then you don’t have to spend so much time and energy making sure you stay being yourself. You can spend it on other things, like becoming the best self you can be, or anything else you want to do.

Your life is too precious to bother with negative people. Unless you have perfected your “anti-negativity shield” or unless your purpose in life is to help these people or they have skills that you absolutely cannot get elsewhere, leave them be. Find someone else to share your life with. You deserve fantastic friends.

Thoughts

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right. - Henry Ford

It’s amazing how much your attitude can affect the outcome of something. You’ve seen those people with tons of confidence and a history of winning. Do you think that they got the confidence first or the winning? For a rare few, they won, were right, got ahead, or whatever first, and then gained the confidence afterwards. Most of the “winners”, though, were confident that they would be right, would win, would get ahead, and then went out and did it.

Your attitude is driven by your thoughts, and you can control them. Just as you can psych yourself out of something, you can psych yourself into something. You can be a winner, an achiever, a doer, someone others look at and say “Wow, how did that happen? How did you do that?” And when they do, just smile and say, “Attitude and confidence,” and go on to create and inspire some more.

Intelligence and Ability

Intelligence is quickness to apprehend as distinct from ability, which is capacity to act wisely on the thing apprehended. - Dialogues by Alfred North Whitehead

To act without knowing what’s going on doesn’t always help. To know what’s going on without acting usually doesn’t help. It’s best when the two go together. Intelligence can give you plenty of information. Ability can give you plenty of suggestions.

We’re all different. Not all of us have both intelligence and ability. Some of us have intelligence in abundance. Some of us have amazing abilities. Some of us have a little of each. Or any mix and match of amounts you can think of. That’s okay. We don’t all have to have plenty of both.

What’s great about the world is that you don’t have to be all things at all times. That’s what friends, colleagues, and co-workers are for. You share your intelligence and abilities with them, and they share theirs with you, and together you make wonderful and amazing things happen, things that none of you could have done on your own.

When you’re making your Future, you don’t have to do it on your own. You can get help from others, and in turn give help to others, and this way the Future will be brighter for everyone.

What You Can

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. - Theodore Roosevelt

This fluctuates, and that’s okay. Sometimes you can do more. Sometimes you can do less. Sometimes everything’s going your way, you have energy you don’t know what to do with, and very few commitments knocking at your door. Sometimes, everything sucks, you’re sick or you’re depressed or you have a thousand things to do on top of the stuff that gets shoved aside like eating and sitting. That’s okay.

Do what you can, and if that’s less than yesterday or a year ago, that’s okay. If it’s more, that’s okay, too. Don’t beat yourself up over the whims of life, the changes that seem to come out of nowhere about which you can do nothing. Do what you can, and take care of yourself while you’re doing it. And if taking care of yourself is all that you can do with what you have, where you are, then do that, because there are very few things more important than taking care of yourself. If you don’t, there won’t be a you later on to do even more things. Take care of yourself and do what you can.

Bird by Bird

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott. I was a little leery of reading this, despite the recommendation by SARK, due to the title, but it connects to a very telling story and makes complete sense once you read it. I very much enjoyed this book, and I recommend it to any writer and to some non-writers as well. It’s very different from other writing books. It deals much more with being a writer than with writing, and it is honest, brutally so in some places. I’ll probably end up reading it again at some point.

Greater Things

Men are often capable of greater things than they perform. They are sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full extent. - Horace Walpole

This is true, but it is both a great promise and a heavy responsibility. It’s like being given a new lease on life, a time when you can go out and do great things, live the life you’ve always wanted to, etc., etc. For some people, jumping into that greatness is a little difficult. For some it’s incredibly easy, and really all they had been looking for in their life was permission to go and have and be incredible.

For now, for you, just realize that more is possible. You can do more. You can be more. You can have greater influence in the world than you do now. But don’t underestimate who you are, what you do, and what influence you have, but that’s pretty amazing, even if you can’t see it.

You are great and amazing, right now, as is.

The Winds and the Waves

The wind and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. - Edward Gibbon

Do you know some people who are always lucky? They’re always at the right place at the right time. Things just naturally come easy to them. Opportunity is constantly knocking at their door. It isn’t luck.

It’s skill, it’s preparation, it’s keeping your eyes open, and it’s being willing to take a risk. You can improve your skills through practice and training. You can prepare to the best of your ability as it is right now rather than waiting until a “better” time. You can scan your life for opportunities and let others know that you’re looking for opportunities. You can take a less-than-sure thing and make it work, or at least give it a try and get some valuable hands on experience out of it.

You can be the ablest navigator. You can always make opportunities where others see none. Your life and your Future are possible, however you envision them.

Happiness Contribution

Anything you're good at contributes to happiness. - Bertrand Russell

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1864519,00.html?cnn=yes

Researchers have determined that happiness is contagious, to a degree. If you’ve been denying your own happiness because you believe it to be selfish, now you know that you’ve been denying those around you a measure of happiness as well, because their own happiness would increase with your own, like ripples in a pond.

Anything you’re good at contributes to happiness, which means that even if your talent is something you consider frivolous or silly or of no importance to anyone, it could create happiness in the world by making you happy. What if your only talent was whistling (doubtful that you have only one thing you’re good at, but go with me on this). What if you consider whistling to be a waste of time because it doesn’t do anything constructive. You know you’re wrong now. You can make yourself happier by whistling which can increase the happiness of others around you. You can make those you don’t even know happier by seeing you happy as you walk down the street. Perhaps someone will hear your tune, and it will remind them of a happy time. Even something as simple as whistling can contribute to happiness.

Use your talents. You were given them for a reason.

And if you are around people who do not want you to be happy, who are happier themselves when you are miserable, leave them. Get out and find people who aren’t sadists.

Choose your life, your friends, and your happiness.

Career Tests

Here's a quick book review to make up for the lack of post on Monday.

Career Tests: 25 Revealing Self-Tests to Help You Find and Succeed at the Perfect Career by Louis Janda. Skip everything and read the epilogue, and only the first page of that.

Common Sense Economics

Here's a quick book review to make up for the lack of one on Saturday.

Common Sense Economics: What Everyone Should Know About Wealth and Prosperity by James Gwartney, Richard L. Stroup, and Dwight R. Lee. If you’re a student of economics, read the book. If you think that personal finance self-help books are beneath you, read section 4 of this book. Everyone else can skip it.

Writing Some Blues

I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. - Duke Ellington

It doesn’t take more energy to read as it does to watch TV.
It doesn’t take more energy to inspire as it does to complain.
It doesn’t take more energy to eat an apple as it does to eat a candy bar.
It doesn’t take more energy to say something nice as it does to insult.

How much energy you have may be a product of your environment and your health, but what you do with it is up to you. Create, rather than destroy.

Secrets and Privacy

This is from an e-mail discussion I've had recently. I've edited it so that it makes sense even without the previous e-mails.

Some people are willing to share much more information about their lives than I am with mine, and with a wider variety of people. There are things in my past that I don't care to share. They're over and done with, why bring them up again? Some people will say that if I truly dealt with those issues that bringing them up again wouldn't cause me any discomfort. Those people have led very enlightened or very sheltered lives. It's a tricky discussion to have - what things do you think are secrets and what's general knowledge - because person A will think "well, duh" and not mention it, but person B will believe the opposite.

Then there is the issue of closets, whether they be about religion, sexual orientation, or what have you. While I may be free and open about my spiritual beliefs, I also know that I will get flak about them if I tell the wrong people or in the wrong way. If they ask, I'll tell them, but I'm not going to bring it up.

Which brings me to something said in the post before mine. That person said that if someone asks them something, they'll tell them. Well, I don't agree with that philosophy. I knew a guy who when invited over to your place would go into any room that didn't have a closed door. He figured if you didn't want him in your bedroom, you would have closed the door. Doesn't matter that you're having dinner and the bedroom's in a different part of the house. If it's an open door, he'd go in. Likewise, there are people who will bring up topics of conversations at inappropriate times, like people who will start a discussion about politics in front of a rabid Republican, sometimes just to get a rise out of the person. If I'm having a conversation with A and B, I might be more than happy to talk to A about it, but I don't want B to know because it'd affect our relationship. However, A will bring it up in front of B, and I won't answer at that time, perhaps never if I don't think that A will screw up my relationship with B just because A doesn't think it's a big deal. For those of you who say, "Then don't deal with B", that's kinda hard when B is a coworker or a family member you like except for this one prejudice.

My Life, My Definition

More than having sexual relations with both genders, bisexuality is a mind frame, a reference point from which to view the world. Being bisexual has more to do with potential than actuality. – Amanda Yoshizaki

The other day, someone told me that he believed that bisexuals needed to have relationships with both genders to actually be bisexual. Huh. I asked him if that meant that all virgins were asexual since they weren’t having sexual relationships with anyone, or if someone is between relationships with someone that they were asexual. He didn’t really have an answer for that but just fell back onto his same argument.

After arguing with him for a little bit, I dropped it and shrugged him off. He doesn’t get to define me. He can go ahead with his singular definition of bisexual and insist that I’m not who I say I am, but that’s his problem, his issue. Me, I’m bisexual by my definition, and in my life, that’s the one that counts.

Don’t let anyone discount you or belittle you because you don’t live up or down to their narrow view of the world. If you believe you are something by your definition of it, then you go be it and be the best you can be. And if someone disagrees, shrug them off the best they can. Let them have their narrow world view. You’ll take reality.

How You Play The Game

In the game of life, heredity deals the hand, and society makes the rules; but you can still play your own cards. – Peter’s Almanac

Never forget that. There are too many “victims” in this world, people who insist that the world is out to get them, or that the world is holding them down or back, or that the world owes them something because of all that they’ve had to go through.

The world doesn’t owe you anything. You are alive in this world full of opportunities. That’s all it owes you, and that’s all its going to give you.

The world is not out to get you. You’re just not that important to the entire world. I assure you that there are billions of people on this planet that have no idea who you even are.

The world is not holding you down or back, not nearly as much as your own attitude is.

If you’re not getting what you want, then change the way you play. You can’t change your cards. You might be able to change the rules. But the only way you can do that is to play the game.

Manifest Abilities

A man must not deny his manifest abilities, for that is to evade his obligations. - The Treasure of Franchard by Robert Louis Stevenson

I believe that we were given our gifts and talents for a reason – for them to be used. Whether they are for our own entertainment or the betterment of life, that depends a lot of the talent, the amount of talent, and the opportunities in your life to use that talent. But if you choose to say “screw the God/dess” and refuse to use what you were given, that’s your choice. I personally think your choice is wrong, but it’s your talent and your life, so you get to do with it what you want.

Now, some of you are going to go to extremes. “What if the only thing I’m really good at is killing people?” Or some such thing. Let’s take a look at it. If I can figure out a way to make killing people into a talent that betters humanity, then surely you can figure out something to do with your talent.

First, what part of killing people are you good at? Are you good at stalking them until they’re alone? Are you good at assessing people’s weaknesses? Are you good at breaking into a place so you can attack them in their own homes? Are you good at killing quickly and silently? In what way are you good at killing people? And how can you turn that into something else?

Stalking people is also useful for private detectives, law enforcement, bounty hunters, and news reporters. Assessing people’s weaknesses is also useful for career counseling, professional trainers, body guards, and boot camp. Breaking into places is good for thieves, people who assess burglary systems, tomb robbers, and guards since they’ll know how to prevent others from doing the same. Being quick and silent in your killing can mean you’d make a good surgeon because you know anatomy well, or a good butcher because you slice quickly without waste, or a great soldier either for the nation or as a mercenary.

If you doubt that what you are good at could possibly enrich your own life or someone else’s, add a comment. Tell me what it is, and I’ll see if I can give you some ideas. But, you were given the ability for a reason. You just need to figure out what it is.

One Week

I understand the average American watches four hours of television a day. That’s twenty-eight hours a week. I also understand the average American reads two hundred and fifty words per minute. Therefore, if the average American would turn off the television set and spend those twenty-eight hours a week reading, he could read all the poems of T. S. Eliot, all the poems of Maya Angelou, two plays by Thornton Wilder, including Our Town, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, and all one hundred fifty psalms in the Old Testament. That’s all in one week. – David McCullough

This just astonishes me. It also makes me wonder why I don’t get more books read. Then I remember how many computer games I play, how much television I watch, and how much stuff I read that isn’t in books.

You read a lot as well, I’m willing to bet. You’re reading this blog. You may read other blogs. You probably read the newspaper or the news on the web. You read e-mails and memos and instruction manuals at work. There are also comic strips, web strips, magazine articles, recipes, letters, post cards, insurance information, advertisements, ingredients lists, cereal boxes, etc. You do read. You are a reader.

But can you imagine how much more you or I could read if we would watch one fewer show a week? Just one? You know the one I mean. The one that you only watch because there’s nothing better on right now or because that’s what the gossipy woman at the water cooler insists on talking about every Wednesday morning and you want to be able to be in on the conversation or because it’s got that really good looking guy in it and you just want to turn the volume down and watch except he’s also got a really sexy voice so you don’t want to miss any of it. You know, that show, the one that if you had a gun to your head you’d give up first. One hour a week. That’d be an extra 15,000 words every week. Wow. I’ve already trimmed my TV watching, but my computer game playing could use a good pruning. I know where I’m getting my extra 15,000 words. How about you?

Bi Any Other Name

Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu is a great book. It was written in 1991, and I would love to see another of its kind written on its 20th anniversary. It’s almost a Chicken Soup for the Bisexual Soul. It’s full of stories by bisexuals about their lives and experiences. Each of them have different views on and different definitions of bisexuality. It’s quite a read. They cover all kinds of topics as well – coming out, politics, biphobia, oppression from monosexuals, celebration, feminism, racism, and much more. Most people will find something in there to relate to. I recommend it to any bisexual and anyone who loves a bisexual. It’s not a “read in one sitting” book, but it’s worth finishing.

A Delicate Balance

To be successful you have to be dumb enough to think you can change the world and smart enough to know how. - Clint Borgen.

“I don’t know. Let’s find out.” These words have begun some great adventures, in travel, in science, in cooking, in many, many areas of life.

“That can’t be done.” These words have aborted a good number of adventures in life, especially when they aren’t true.

“They say it can’t be done, but let’s do it anyway.” These are some of the best words you can have. Think about how many things have been accomplished that were “impossible”. Flight, for example. Heart transplants. Telephones. Too many others to list.

You can change the world in ways that the nay-sayers and the doubters can’t even imagine. You can change the world, your life, yourself, and bring light into some “dark ages” mentalities that insist “don’t confuse me with facts, I know what’s right”. And even if you can’t change the mind of someone who insists that what you’re doing right in front of them is impossible, at least you’re doing the impossible, and you’re making yourself, your life, your world better.

You can do the amazing, the wonderful, the impossible. Don’t let anyone else tell you different.

Fiction and Inspiration

Fiction, because it is not about somebody who actually lived in the real world, always has the possibility of being about ourselves. – Orson Scott Card

Some people find inspiration every where. Some people can see a part of themselves or something applicable to their lives in every story. Other people can see a thinly-veiled biography of themselves and just not get it.

Some of the snootier readers will only read non-fiction, and only the “proper” stuff at that. Well, if they’re so limited that they can’t find something enjoyable about a really good fiction story, that’s their problem. For the rest of us, let’s dive in.

I usually have more words to say what I want to say, a way to make it clearer to people who don’t want to believe the direct truth or who need to be persuaded that something has meaning to their own lives, but I don’t got it for this one other than the above, and the above is pretty awful. So, this once, here’s the short and dirty version, and then good night.

You can find inspiration and meaning anywhere you look or read, and that’s just fine.

Inaction

Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation … even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind. – Leonardo da Vinci

If you doubt the truth of this quote, think back to your school days. How quick was your mind the first week of school after summer vacation? What about first period on Monday morning? Were you as bright and swift on the uptake as you were later in the year or week? Probably not. Few people came to school raring to go first thing. And if they were ready, they probably kept it quiet because the others would retaliate.

How about you right now? Is your mind invigorated? Are you feeling creative or inspired? How’s your memory? Your vocabulary? Your quick wit, the one that your friends always enjoy so much on Friday nights? Even snappy comebacks use your brain power. Do you need time in the morning to get started, kick into gear, shake off the weekend? Imagine that same sensation, but a thousand times harder as the years start to pile up and up and up, years of using “just enough” of your brain. How hard will it be to use it when you need to or just when you want to?

Your brain needs exercise, just like your body. Read, rather than watch TV. Talk with people, rather than go out to the movies. Do a crossword puzzle, rather than read the comics. There are dozens of ways you can work your brain every single day. Your life will improve for it.

Lake of Molasses

I was e-mailing a friend earlier today, and I compared my life to a river of molasses with shore only barely within sight. I think it's really more like a lake than a river, but the rest of it is pretty accurate. Lake waters move, sometimes to shore and sometimes away, but usually must slower than a river and in a much more confined area. A river at least gets you somewhere.

So what do you do when you're stuck like that? Not even sure where shore is, or if there is a shore that's worth the struggle? You know (pretty much) that there's a life worth living out there, but you sure can't see it from here.

You hang on. You take care of yourself, keep yourself afloat, and keep your eyes out for landmarks to help you on the way. Landmarks include things that give you pleasure (head towards those), things that give you pain (head away from those), and solid rocks of assurance, perhaps in the form of your spirituality, a friend, a belief, a cause, or some other thing about which you have absolute surety. Using these rocks, you can find the right shore and get yourself out of the lake. But keep your head up, and keep away from the dangerous shores. Just because it's a shore doesn't mean it's safe or desirable.

Cinderella Was a Liar

Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can’t Find (or Keep) a Prince by Brenda Della Casa is not the greatest relationship advice book of all times, but it’s better than most and a whole heck of a lot funnier. The advice you can get from plenty of other places (other than the no sex on a first date rule which seems to be right or wrong depending on the book), but it presents it in a manner that’s amusing and straight forward. It’s easy to relate to the advice, because it’s presented in fairy tale language – not as a fairy tale or about fairy tale characters, but about princes and toads and maidens and slippers. I’m glad the author asked me to reconsider reading this. Even if you’ve found your happily ever after, check this out of the library for an amusing read. It’s more entertaining than a lot of things you could pick up.

Wiccan New Year

Last Friday was Halloween for many people, and New Year's Eve for many pagans. For me it was a time of renewal and rededication. My "new year" thus far has been very interesting and getting back on the right track after a long time spinning my wheels. I hope that the new season brings new an end to that which was wrong and new space in your life for the Deities to bring in some more wonderful.

Magnify Yourself

Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant, and interesting. – Aldus Huxley

Boredom is a common complaint in America. Much too common. Why else would we have so many gadgets, gizmos, game consoles, and other devices devised to entertain us while giving us no value? But you don’t have to be bored. Some people won’t read because they don’t read quickly. It bores them to get bogged down with the words. Reading is like any other skill – the more you do it, the better you get at it. You read a whole lot better than you did when you were in first grade, don’t you? Why? Practice. Practice reading like you practiced riding your bike or writing cursive or typing or so many, many other things, and you will get better at it. And while you’re at it, read interesting things so you don’t get bored with all this practice. Ask your librarian to make some suggestions. I assure you, there are plenty of free books you can try out that you will enjoy. I cannot suggest them to you, because what I like and what you like are probably different. But, if you tell your librarian you want some books that involve your favorite subject, she’ll probably be able to find some if not a lot of them. The vast majority of life situations, sports, relationships, and jobs have some kind of non-fictional book written about them, and most of them have novels written about them, too. Check out your library and have a blast. There aren’t many lives that can’t be enhanced by reading something new. Make your life full, significant, and interesting. Make your Future those things, too.

One Hour a Day

[Reading] one hour a day will translate into approximately one book a week. One book a week will translate into approximately fifty books over the next twelve months. If you read an hour a day, one book per week, you will be an expert in your field within three years. You will be a national authority in five years, and you will be an international authority in seven years. – Brian Tracy

I don’t read one hour a day every day. Most days, but not every day. The suggestion is for non-fiction books all in the same field. I read a lot of fiction, but as my book reviews show, I also read a good deal of non-fiction, too, just not all of it in the same field. It’s a nice thought to be an international authority in less than ten years (giving you a little time to slack off). That’s over 350 books. There are some fields of study that don’t even have 350 books written! Still, even if you read just a half hour a day (like on your two 15 minute breaks at work – one in the morning and one in the afternoon, or during your commute perhaps with a book on tape, or any other way you want), you’ll be a national authority in ten years. How much better would you job be if you were a national authority? Would you even have that job or would you manage to create your dream job instead? Heck, even in three to six years, you will be an expert. Expert. It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’d love to be an expert in certain things. What kinds of things would you like to be an expert in? Do you want to be an expert in your Future? An authority, perhaps? You can be, if you choose to be. You can create this in your Future.

What You Read

What you read, what you see, what you listen to truly influences your thoughts. – Pat Williams

You are what you eat. You are also what your mind “eats”. What you read, what you listen to, what sort of environment you put yourself into, it all influences your brain, your thoughts, your personality. If you read racist bullfeathers, you will get influenced by it. Maybe this will inspire you to fight racism, or maybe it will chip away at your mind, creating a slippery slope where this is okay because it isn’t “really” racist.

You don’t think that this is true? I’ve got a challenge for you. For one month, read the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, and Teresa of Avila, and just these people. Every day, read some of this. At the end of the month, write down how you feel, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. Then, for the next month, read the teachings of Hitler, Mussolini, and the Marquis de Sade, and just these people. Every day, read some of this. At the end of the month, write down how you feel, again emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. If you want to make it really interesting, without telling your roommate/coworker/significant other what you’re doing, ask them at the end of each month how they think your behavior has been over the past month compared to normally. See what they think.

If the two month end reports are exactly the same, that’s impressive and rare. More likely you’ll feel a whole lot worse after the second month but will have plenty of excuses for it, something, anything, that doesn’t have to do with what you read.

Whatever you may think, no matter what excuses you may have, the truth is that what you put into yourself influences yourself, and like a computer, it’s garbage in, garbage out. Treat yourself to the good stuff.

Burning Books

Where one begins by burning books, one will end up burning people. – Heinrich Heine

I do not approve of burning books. I do not approve of most kinds of censorship. I’m hard pressed to think of any kind of censorship that I would approve of, for adults that is. With kids, it’s a different story. But, this post is about adults.

Books contain ideas, radical ideas, different ideas, powerful ideas. Books provide points of view that differ and perhaps confuse people. Books can make people think. For these reasons, some people consider them dangerous and should be burned so they do not disrupt the harmony in society (what society they think they’re living in, I’m not sure; my society isn’t in harmony).

However, people contain ideas, radical ideas, different ideas, powerful ideas. People provide points of view that differ and confuse people. People can make people think. For these reasons, some people consider them dangerous and should be censored so that they do not disrupt the harmony in society. But in America, we have freedom of speech and I believe it can be said with a good deal of accuracy that America as a whole likes to shake things up a bit.

You cannot have both censorship and freedom, and you cannot have both freedom and complete harmony. Freedom is too important to ban or burn books, even at the expense of harmony in society, because generally that harmony is just a surface illusion at best while freedom, when done right, can exist throughout the whole.

The Millionaire Next Door

The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America’s Wealthy by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko. I read this book perhaps a decade ago. I read it again about five years ago. This past summer, I bought a copy, and it now resides on my bookshelf for me to pick up and leaf through whenever I want. I recommend this book. It has a lot of statistics, but it also has a lot of examples and stories. If you don’t like statistics or if you don’t like stories, you could still enjoy this book. Just skip over the parts you don’t like. I recommend this book. It’s an eye-opener about who really is a millionaire and what they really do. It also has a lot of excellent suggestions about how to become a millionaire yourself. Have I become a millionaire in the past 10 years since I read it? No, but I don’t always practice what I know is best for me. However, I’m closer to it than a lot of my friends, and I fully intend to get there, and this book will help.

Fresh Start

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down. – Mary Pickford

An appropriate quote for me considering the brief hiatus I’ve taken on Mondays. The previous week’s Monday was because I discovered rather late that I duplicated a quote and essentially a post, so I deleted the post and never got around to putting up another one. This past Monday is because I am in a bout of laziness and lethargy, not to mention a heaping dose of apathy, though that is waning. I simply didn’t get around to it. But, I start fresh again. I do not abandon my blog just because of a few missed posts. I continue.

You, too, can continue with your dreams and your goals, even after you have stumbled. There are some things that are simply unattainable for the price you’re willing to pay, but there are a lot more things that seem just out of reach but really just need to try one more time. I wish you luck in discovering which is which, and I hope you wish me luck in that as well.

Beauty of Dreams

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

If you cannot imagine the Future, if you have no goal or dream for your Future, then it really doesn’t matter a whole lot what you do, because your Future will merely happen to you. It will not belong to you.

If you can imagine, if you do have goals and dreams, and you can see the beauty and desirability of them, then you can work towards them, and your Future will belong to you through your efforts.

If you want to shape your Future, see it first. Imagine, dream, and create goals. It’s up to you.

Everything You Want

You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want. – John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

It seems to me that these guys are pessimists. Unfortunately, their book makes a lot of sense. I reviewed it in an earlier post. You can have everything you want, just not necessarily at the same time. Also, you can have everything that’s essential to you – that you not only want but need to have a fulfilled life, provided you are completely honest with yourself about what you truly need.

You don’t have to settle for “good enough”, but you do have to realize that “perfection” is in the eye of the beholder, and greedy beholders have very large eyes. Go for “great”. Go for “amazing”. Go for “astonishingly wonderful”. Get what you truly need and add what you want the most until you can fit nothing more into your wonderful life.

You can have a fantastic Future. You deserve get. Go out and grab it.

Castles on the Ground

Dream but also do; wish but build; imagine but ever face reality. – Dr. Joseph Fetterman

A lot of people build castles in the sky. They imagine how great it would be if X would happen or once they actually got off their butts and did Y. But, X never happens, and they never get off their butts.

Others build their castles on the ground, or build the ground up to their castles. You can have a castle in the sky, so long as you have very long and sturdy pillars beneath it. Or you know how to fly. You start with today and a dream, and then you work your butt off to get from here to there. Without a dream, time just passes. Without work, time just passes and dreams float away. Make time yours, make it work for you, not just pass. The way to do this is to work for yourself and your dream. Act. It’s the only way.

Read For Your Life

Read for Your Life: 11 Ways to Transform Your Life with Books by Pat Williams with Peggy Matthews Rose is a passionate look at reading, why it’s important, and what to do about the lack of it in today’s America. If you don’t love reading, this book may change your mind. If you do love reading, this book will strike a chord with you.

The first couple of chapters drag a bit as it discusses the statistics of illiteracy. It tries very hard to make the case that there is too much illiteracy in America and that we should do something about it. The rest of the book is dedicated more to reading – improving your own, inspiring others to do so, what to read, how to read, and many other things. It really is a very well written book, other than the dragging problem. But, even the dragging wasn’t quite enough to turn me off to the book entirely. Trust me, if you start to read this book, continue. It is worth it.

October Appreciation Day

This month, I sent positive feedback to two fan-fiction writers that I enjoy. I sometimes go through droughts where I don't find the sort of fiction that I really enjoy reading, but those two provided it, and I wanted to let them know.

What Do You Think About?

You become what you think about. – Earl Nightingale

If believe that it’s hopeless, it is. If you believe it’s impossible, it is. For you. Perhaps not for me. Or for your sister. Or for your coworker, or perhaps former coworker who has started her own business even though you were sure it’d fail. After all, you had the idea a year before she did, and it didn’t work for you. If you insist on believing that things are impossible, that’s fine for you, but I don’t want you in my life. You’re negative and annoying and generally self-centered. At least all of the “impossible”-ists that I know are annoyingly self-centered.

Another side to this is that when you think about something often enough, you start to make it happen. You worry about divorce, and you start looking for signs where there weren’t any. You worry about losing your job, and you are suddenly too worried to have enough energy to do your job properly. On the other hand, you think that you’ll get a steady relationship with a decent person, and your confidence will shine through and you will stop focusing on the losers. You think you’ll be successful in your job, and you start acting like you are. And if you don’t become successful in that job, you realize you are at least very good at your job and deserve better, finding a job where you can be successful. Self-fulfilling prophecies do happen.

Another side to this is what you read, watch, and talk about. If you talk about doom and gloom constantly, watch nothing but the news on the “all death” station, and read people predicting that the country will fall any moment now, you’re not going to do really well. All your energy’s going to be tied up in the awfulness of the here and now, whether that’s real or not. The greatest activists don’t say, “This is wrong!” and then shut up. The greatest activists say, “This is wrong, and here’s how it could be better!” They focus on the “how it could be better” part, bringing that into being. They see reality, see the changes that can be made, see the future as it could be, and then bring it about.

Take a look at your thoughts, your reading material, your viewing choices, and see what is in your mind and see your Future. What you put into your head is in part what will come out and shape you and your Future. Make good choices.

Impossible For Now

I thought it was impossible too before I did it. - Lance Armstrong

I heard the story about the four minute mile a while ago. Sports enthusiasts, forgive me if I get this a little wrong. For a long time, it was believed that humans could not run a four minute mile. It was just physically impossible. We weren’t built for that kind of speed for that long of a distance. All the experts believed that. This went on for years. Then a guy did it. Within the next year, so did several others. What changed? It suddenly became possible in the person’s mind. That’s the only difference. It was a change of thought. Humans didn’t suddenly evolve into speedier beings. Physically, we were just the same as the previous year. Only our thinking changed. And because our thinking changed, our possibilities changed.

Your possibilities can change. Believe they can, and they will.

What We’re Capable Of

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems. - Mahatma Gandhi

This quote makes me feel a lot of things – sad, mad, guilty, kicked in the butt. Right now, at this very moment, I am most certainly not doing everything I can. Heck, I’m not even doing everything I want. Of the seven deadly sins, mine right now is sloth. What could I do if I did what I could? What heights could I achieve if I did what I wanted to succeed and create and affect the world, rather than playing games and watching old TV shows? The number of books I could read, the number of books I could write, how soon I could pay off my car loan, how fat I could make my bank account, how many works of art I could create that are swirling around in my brain but just haven’t quite yet made it onto paper. It’s stunning. It really is stunning. And I’m a little afraid of it all. I’m wrapped up all cozy and warm in my comfort zone. Heck, I have a little hidey hole under my stairs where I keep my computer and phone. What more do I need? It’s frightening to think of doing this for the next five years, and it’s frightening to think of where and what I could be if I shook off the chains of sloth and became truly me. What could I be?

Part of me says, “Oh, you won’t be doing this for five years. You’ll snap out of it and start being you again.” Then I think about where I was five years ago. My computer and TV weren’t under the stairs, but they were in a cave-like atmosphere that I rarely left without prompting. I’m really not that far from where I was five years ago when it comes to that. And it’s easy to say, “Things will be different in five years”, but unless I do something, they won’t be. It’s amazing how time will slip by when you don’t put any energy into making something different.

We’re all amazing people. We just need to get rid of a few chains to let our light shine forth.

Ability and Character

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. - John Wooden

We see it most with sports stars because they’re flashy, we watch them anyway, and the media love to revel in the destruction of our heroes. A sports figure will hit the top of her game, make huge money, and become well known. If she has character, she will continue to be pretty much the same person as she has always been. If she does not, she will start believing what the press and the sycophants say about her and believing she’s entitled to what’s she’s gotten even if her game slips. When those over-inflated egos take a tumble, the same media that manned the pumps earlier will now be there to revel in her defeat.

It’s the same in business. Ethical businesses stay in business longer than unethical businesses of the same ability level. It’s the same with relationships. An unethical person can get lots of dates, but an ethical person can get a longer-lasting relationship. And on and on. Ability will get you far, but character, ethics, doing the honorable thing, will aid you greatly, too.

Happy Anniversary

Today, The Future Being Born is 2 years old. Thank you for reading!

Tinted Glasses

I do not see the world the way it is; I see the world the way I am. – Talmud

Just about everyone knows one of these people. Some of us associate with way too many of these people. Some of us are these people and are going to be very ticked off about this post. Tough.

You may have heard of the phrase “looking at the world through rose-colored glasses”. It means seeing things in a positive light, to the point of overlooking the bad and seeing only the good. That’s not the only kind of tinted glasses out there, though.

Some people believe that they didn’t get a job because of their race, gender, haircut, weight, or whatever. Same reason why their girlfriend or boyfriend dumped them or why the cashier down the street didn’t give them a friendly hello today and a whole host of other slights and problems. They sincerely believe that everything bad happens because of this thing, and they resent anyone who tells them otherwise. Their “life glasses” are tinted by their belief that others see them in a particular way, so they see others’ actions in that light.

It is entirely possible that there was someone better for the job. Or that the entire interview process was a sham, and the company was going to hire X no matter who put in an application. It may have had nothing to do with “whatever”. But that’s what they’ll think, and no amount of reasoning will make them see otherwise. Even if you grab the president of the company, drag him down to your friend, and have the president explain exactly why your friend didn’t get the job, your friend still won’t believe him. It was due to “whatever” no matter who says what.

People break up for a whole variety of reasons. It doesn’t have to be about “whatever” (though it could be about your obsession with it). The cashier may be having a lousy day or doesn’t like you because you use too many pennies. Who knows? The point is, the world does not revolve around your “whatever”. But your life apparently does.

Until you can get rid of your glasses or at least clear them up a bit, you will continue to see life out of focus. You will continue to see what isn’t actually there, and because you are too busy seeing the non-existent, you’ll miss out on some really wonderful things.

Clear off your glasses and enjoy the wonders of your life.

Write for Life

Write for Life: Healing Body, Mind, and Spirit Through Journal Writing by Sheppard B. Kominars is an excellent book. Journal writing may seem like something teenagers do when they have a crush or adventurers do when they’re on safari, not something a sane and ordinary adult does. But it is. When life has handed you something big, some change, something that upsets your life, journal writing can be exactly what you need and can be the sanest choice you can make.

This book describes some of the benefits of journal writing, what you can expect and hope for from journal writing. It also talks about all the different topics you could discuss, gives you questions to answer and lists to make. It’s a great book for someone who is willing to give journal writing a chance, no matter the reason.

It’s given me enough ideas to get me going for now. I’ll pick the book up again in a year or two to see what suggestions I hadn’t taken and to refresh my commitment to journaling. I recommend this book.

Survivor or Victim?

As long as you see yourself as a victim, you’re lost in chaos. Once you see yourself as a survivor, you can begin to live again. – Sheppard B. Kominars

Victims react. Victims are done to. They are the object of the action. They are objects.

Survivors act. Survivors do. They cause the action. They are people.

Unfortunately, too many people believe “it’s not my fault”. It’s because society oppresses them due to their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, whatever. That’s why they did what they did or didn’t bother doing what they should have or are in this rotten mess or whatever the reason behind the whining. Or, it’s their father or mother or the guy who molested them when they were three or the woman who cheated on them or the school system that let them down or … or … or … It’s not their fault. They are not to blame. They are the victims.

Likewise, if they have no responsibility in their lives, they get no credit for any of the good, either. Likewise, since they are the victims and refuse to be anything else, they will remain victims and nothing else.

Be a survivor. Survive life, survive your family, survive your society, hell, survive yourself some days. But survive, live, act, do.

Inspiration (2)

Lighting your own light, letting your own beacon shine, this will then inspire others who will inspire others who will inspire others. – Lazaris

I’ve been doing this for about two years now, and I’ve gotten about 5 comments. This has been very discouraging at times, but I still do it. Why? In part, because I don’t know what kind of effect I’m having on others. What I say may be exactly what someone else needs to hear at that time in their life, whether they ever tell me that or not. I cannot count the number of times that I have gained inspiration or energy from another’s words, yet I’ve never told them. That I’ve gained inspiration from others’ words should be apparent by how many posts have quotes. A good many of them are inspired by the quotes I use.

One of the quotes I’ve used was said by a guy to his daughter when she was 8. She’s an adult now, and she mentioned it on an e-mail list I’m on. This in turn became a post that I’ve given to you. Now, did that guy, years and years ago, think that his words would go on to inspire a blogger and perhaps that blogger’s readers? I doubt it, yet that’s what has happened.

You don’t know what kind of an inspiration you can be, because you never know when someone’s going to lift their head out of their own misery and see you. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to see another’s, but we do see now and again. Become a light, become an inspiration, even if you never know the effect you’ll have. Just by being a light, you will brighten your own life, and that is worth it by itself. But you just may have that light shine on for generations to come.

Inspiration

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. – Frank Tibolt

One of the mottos of Codependents Anonymous is “fake it till you make it”. Basically, you pretend you’re strong enough to withstand the problems you’re facing until you really are strong enough. You pretend you have a good self esteem and treat yourself as such until you actually do have a good enough self esteem. There are two rules about it, though. You don’t do it with finances (you don’t spend as though you’re making a lot of money when you aren’t). You don’t do it with other people (you don’t fake that Joe is sober when he isn’t).

Another place that action almost has to come first is writing. We all know plenty of people who would love to write a novel or a poem or a screenplay or something. But they don’t. They have the beginnings of inspiration, but they don’t act on it. What they don’t get is that if you start acting first, then the rest of the inspiration will show up, too.

Another place that action comes before inspiration is in opportunities. Sometimes, you have to take an action as though you knew what you were doing before the right opportunity comes along. You aren’t going to find out about the perfect accounting job until after you take some accounting courses or start looking in the classified ads. You aren’t going to get a big break in acting until you start acting in some things. If you wait to be “discovered” first, you’ll have a very, very long wait.

Start your Future now. Don’t wait for your next birthday or New Year’s Eve or even this upcoming Monday. Start it now, and inspiration will follow.

Enjoying Life

A person will be called to account on Judgment Day for every permissible thing he might have enjoyed but did not. – Talmud

Self denial is a tricky thing. In some ways, it helps quite a bit. Denying yourself dessert can help you lose weight. Denying yourself an extra hour of sleep in favor of jogging can increase your health. Delaying gratification can work in the same way. I’ll sit down with my favorite TV show but only after I do the dishes. I’ll finish up the load of laundry now, that way I won’t have anything to do all afternoon and can do whatever I want.

The problem comes in when you start denying yourself just because you’re denying yourself. It becomes a habit, and I’ve spoken quite a bit about habits. This seems like one of those “good for you” habits that can get a bit out of control. Life was not meant to be suffered. If life was about suffering rather than enjoying, sex would not feel that good. Sugar would not taste so nice. Sunshine and a cool breeze beneath the autumnal splendor of maples and oaks would not be so perfect. But sex is that good, sugar does taste nice, and a beautiful day in the fall is still a beautiful day in the fall whether you’re denying yourself it or not.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Do what needs to be done, but include on that to do list “enjoy today”. Your Future should be pleasant, wonderful, happy, joyful, exciting, and full of contentment. Practice now.

The Richest Man In Babylon

The Richest Man In Babylon by George S. Clason is a series of financial parables. They’re short stories, mostly set in ancient Babylon, that show how to become rich and to manage your personal finances. It’s a great book. I’ve read it twice. The stories are fun to read, and I love reading personal finance books. It has great advice, and it’s very, very short, so even people who don’t like to read can take a stab at it. And if the book is too long for you, then read just one of the stories rather than them all. I highly recommend this book.

Appreciation Day - September 2008

For this appreciation day, I want to thank Brenda Della Casa (or, if it’s a hoax, whomever made the comment) for the comment on my lack of review of her book. The “hidden fears” comment I made was about the next book mentioned and was not aimed at you. Since you took the time out to take a look at my blog, the least I can do is take a better look at your book. I already have the next couple of book reviews lined up, but I will get your book from the library and review it within the next couple of months. I thank you for the feedback.

A Heaven of Hell

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell or a Hell of Heaven. – John Milton

This goes right along with the paper cut people and the worthless muck. Paper cut people make a hell of heaven wherever they go. People stuck in muck cannot see the heaven around them, and thus believe themselves in hell. You don’t have to do this.

Some people rise above their circumstances. They were born in horrendous situations, had crippling events happen to them in their life, and yet they come out the other side and become Secretary of State, President, doctors, millionaires, and so on and so forth. They make a heaven of hell. You can, too.

“But how? How, how how?” It’s not always easy. Attitude, first and foremost, and sometimes this is the toughest thing. You have to believe that it is possible for your situation, right now, as it is, to be heaven, or at the very least to be the road to heaven. This can be incredibly tough, but if you pretend to believe it, you will believe it eventually.

Then, once you believe that you are at least on the road to heaven, you make your way easier, smoother, and prettier. You cut away the dead wood and the rotten debris. You know what these things are in your life, even if you don’t want to admit it.

Once you get rid of the wrong, you start moving the stones out of your way and planting the flowers to make your time pass with more beauty. These include taking care of things that need to be done, adding things of value to your life, and smiling more often.

As your path becomes clearer and more beautiful, you are on your way to heaven, because you choose to do so and because you are willing to do what it takes. You can make a heaven of hell, if you are willing.

Nothing Worth While

It is the feeling that nothing is worth while that makes men ill and unhappy. – Dr. Harold W Dodds

Despair, hopelessness, depression – all are forms of the belief that nothing is worth while. They all suck. Since they all suck, they are all trying to suck you into their murky, sticky depths. Don’t choose to go in there. You might not be able to help it in some cases, but there’s no reason to jump in with both feet.

When we’re in the depths of despair, hopelessness, depression – the muck, sometimes it just takes a single worth while thing to give you a life line out. If something – anything – is worth while, then life is worth while. It has to be, because without life, this something could not exist, or at the very least, your perception of it could not exist. If life is then worth while, then living is worth while, which makes a whole lot of other things worth while, too. Realize this and shape your present and Future to bring these worth while things into your life and the lives of others.

If you need a little help with your life line, here are some little things that a lot of people believe are worth while:
Puppies
Flowers
Religion
Children’s laughter
Children smiling
Sunshine
A cool breeze on a warm day
Fresh air
A great movie
A great book
Kitties
The beach at sunset
Anywhere at sunset
Sunrises
Cloud watching
Hugs
The smell of fresh cut grass
Fireworks
Make your own list when you’re not stuck in the muck, so that when you are caught, you can quickly pick up a life line again.

Suffering is Optional

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. – Kathleen Casey

If you’ve just had a major painful procedure (car accident, chainsaw accident, surgery), and you don’t have any pain medication or some way to blunt the pain, then you are in pain, and you are most assuredly entitled to suffer if that’s what you want (or if that’s the only thing you can do because of the amount of pain you’re in). I’m not talking about the extreme, here. I’m not talking about the “just got my leg cut off” person. I’m talking about the paper cut person.

We’ve all had bad days. Splashed by a car, umbrella breaks, spill coffee, tear in the sock/pantyhose, 37 phone messages all of which are marked urgent – you know what I mean. A bit of grumbling, grousing, suffering, is natural. For most of us, we grumble and gripe, and then we move on. Tomorrow is another day, and our grumbling is done.

For the paper cut person, the grumbling is never done.

A paper cut person is the person whose life is tragic – in their own eyes. Circumstances, nay even Life itself, are against them. They are victims, truly. They got a paper cut and it hurts. It’s proof. Someone brought in donuts to the office, and they didn’t get their favorite. It’s proof. The lead on their pencil broke, and they didn’t have a spare. It’s proof. And on and on. They lead such little, little lives that these little, little inconveniences are tragedies in their eyes. They are victims, and they are entitled to suffer. Suffering usually means griping and grousing to others to show how they are suffering and to elicit sympathy and attention. It’s pathetic and really very annoying.

Some paper cut people have bigger tragedies. They may have a chronic disease. They may be in the hospital for some extremely serious reason. They may be going through a divorce that is nasty and bitter. These are tragedies, yes. What’s a bigger tragedy is the way the paper cut person treats it. The paper cut person becomes their tragedy. They have no life, no personality, no anything outside of the tragedy or how it relates to the tragedy. They are no longer people, just victims. This is an option, and they have chosen it.

The paper cut people who are reading this (provided they didn’t just click to another blog after that last sentence) are now howling about how unfair I’m being to them. I don’t have this chronic disease. I’m not in the hospital. I’m not going through a nasty and bitter divorce. I’m not involved in tragedy A or B or C or whatever it is that the howler has, and of course their tragedy is so much worse than anything I’m going through right now. First off, prove it. Second off, so what?

Even if I have such an easier life compared to you, there are others who are in the same circumstances who are still people, too. People have been going through divorces for hundreds of years, some even more nasty and bitter than yours. And yet, some of those people are still able to live a life, too. Some people have your chronic disease, but they are not just their disease. They have a life, too. Some people are in the hospital for serious reasons, yet they are still regarded by nurses and visitors as rays of sunshine and inspiration to other patients. They are still people, too. These people exist, even if you don’t know them, even if you can’t see them, and you can be one of these people if you choose to be.

You will be in pain. You will have cause to suffer. It is your choice how much you suffer and what you do about it.

Full Force

It’s better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. – Socrates in Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

Be yourself, and be amazing at it. Bring all of yourself, even the bits you don’t like, into the now and use them all to create your Future. Dare to make a mistake, for it is only through mistakes that we can learn. Learn from others’ mistakes, and then make some different ones. Once you learn from them, do the right things and then make more mistakes, for it is only by branching out from our comfort zones and our tiny little holes that we are able to be the amazing creatures we really are.

If you play it timid and safe, you will have a timid Future. Note I did not say a “safe Future”, for safety is not entirely up to you. Since you cannot guarantee your safety, then why guarantee being timid? Shake things up a bit and see what the fall out will be. So long as you are true to yourself and to your values, you can weather any storm. It is when you betray yourself that true failure, true pain, and true death comes along.
We were not born timid creatures. We became timid creatures. The full force spirit is still within you, ready to come out when you let it. It’s a scary, scary thought, and I still have mine on a leash more often than I think I should, but a bright and brilliant Future awaits, and your full force spirit is what can get you there.

Books I'm Not Reviewing

I want to review books that actually have some meaning to this blog. I want to review books that have to do with creating your Future, about making those changes in your life that you want to make, about living your dreams. But I don't want to read garbage. If the book is great or fun, it's easy to tear my eyes from the computer screen. If the book is merely good and practical, then it's a whole lot tougher. If I just plain don't like the book, then I'm not likely to finish it. I don't want to give you a review on a book I don't at least read most of, but I don't know if I'll finish it when I pick it up. My life and my time are too precious to bother reading bad books, just like yours is. So, here's a list of some of the books I'm not reviewing, because I'm not reading.

What Matters Most by Hyram W. Smith. I started reading it, but it was a lot like a previous book I reviewed, and I don't feel like reading the book again. There's nothing wrong with this book to my knowledge, and if you couldn't read his other book, give this one a try. It may be more your style.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams. It's online at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/ I skimmed it. It's a lot of basic advice I've gotten elsewhere, but this could be the right package for you.

How to Heal Depression by Peter McWilliams. It's online at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/dep/ I skimmed it. Turns out I'm not depressed according to their checklist, so I didn't bother with the rest. If you're depressed, give it a shot.

These next three I picked up at the library when I was in a bad mood and looking for a Cinderella remake with Jerry Lewis. The titles popped up, however, once I got them home, I just couldn't get myself to bother with them, even for a review. They were too depressing. But, perhaps they'll spark your interest like they did mine, and perhaps for you the interest will stay. Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can't Find (or Keep) a Prince by Brenda Della Casa, Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work by Nancy Good, The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence by Colette Dowling. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of being told I have hidden fears. The vast majority of the self-help genre is based upon the premise that you are a flawed and bad human being that must be saved from yourself and your hideous soul. Then there's the victim genre that says your soul is great, but you and your life suck, but that's okay, because it's all their fault. You know what? They can just stick it. You and I are amazing and wondrous human beings as we are right now, and if we want to change, we'll change. Not because we're flawed or because we're stuck waiting for prince who won't come or because others have held us down all our lives, but because we want to. We will change because we want to.

I'll keep doing book reviews, and now and again, I'll give you a list of books I just couldn't be bothered with. If you want to suggest some, I welcome that.

Your Corner

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope. – Thomas Merton

Like I talked about in the previous quote, you have a corner of the world that you can influence, affect, change, and make sparkle. You don’t need to know how your corner will affect the world or even the next corner over. You just need to do the best you can with your corner and make it as amazing as you are.

The Future is being created by a whole lot of people, and you can’t know what all is going to happen, no matter how big or powerful or influential or psychic you are. But you can build and influence and affect in the now. You can help shape the Future here and now and take all the possibilities and challenges that are here now and make them something unique and in service of your plans for the Future.

You don’t need to know everything in order to do what you can. Even a small step will help to open your eyes and to brighten your corner. And, most of all, to shape your Future.

Time to Fly

Why be content to crawl, when we were born with wings. It's time we learn to fly. - Daniel Whiteside

“I can’t.” “Not me.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’d just fail.” “Someone else is so much better at it than I am.” “Who am I, after all?”

That is such a load of hooey that it’s almost sickening to even try to address it. You are an amazing person. In the history of the world (no matter how old you think it is), there has never been anyone exactly like you. You are unique and wonderful. You have plenty in common with others, but you are still the one and only you. To not be you, to reduce your ability from doubt or despair, hurts not just you but the world. The world could be so much more than it is right now if only people would realize that they could make a difference.

“I couldn’t change the world!” Who’s asking you to? Just change your little corner, or your big corner if you’re ambitious. You change your corner, and I’ll change my corner, and he’ll change his, and she’ll changer hers, and so on and so on, and pretty soon a whole lot of the world has changed. You only need to do what you can where you are.

You are wonderful, and if anyone tells you otherwise, get them out of your corner. Let the pigs wallow in the mud. It’s time to fly.

Other People’s Opinion

People always want you to be who they think you are. – David Cross

It’s easier for a lot of people if you would just quietly and consistently fit into a nice neat category so they can label you and not have to think about you. But, if you go against their stereotypes, they don’t care for you too much.

These stereotypes can be racial, sexual, sexual orientation based, religious, nationality based, or even what side of the city you’re from. Let’s not forget height, weight, and occupation. Whoever insisted that all fat people must be jolly should be shot. By the way, not all cops are Irish, either, nor are all tall people basketball players.

A lot of people are lazy and would prefer to put you in a category than get to know you as a person. Do I care what the cashier thinks of me? Not really. I’m fine with the cashier putting me in the category “customer” and thinking nothing else of me. That’s as far as our relationship goes – “customer and cashier”. But, if I have a coworker who decides that I’m “female” hence I am x, y, and z, then I have a lot of issues and problems. Unless x, y, and z are “has ovaries”, “has an x chromosome”, and “should be referred to as ‘she’ when speaking of her in the third person”, I’m probably being stereotyped. I am a person, not a category. I fit into a lot of different categories and labels, but what my label means to me and what it means to you could be very different things.

That’s the problem. My perspective on the world and yours differs. Some people don’t get that. They think that the way they see the world is the way it is AND the way that others see the world, too. That just ain’t so. But, they don’t want to bother, which makes me not want to bother with them. Because in my life, I need people who see me as a person, who are willing to deal with me as a person, who will respect me as a person rather disrespect me as “one of them”, and I’m not going to settle for anything less than that.

You shouldn’t either.

Not Enough Time

Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of ours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Do you have enough time? Yes. To do everything? No. To do those things that mean the most to you? Yes. To do everything that means a lot to you? No.

If there is something that’s really important to you, but you’re doing nothing about it, then that means one of two things. It’s not as important to you as you think. Or, it’s not as important to you as something else. “That’s not fair,” I can hear you screaming (or perhaps it’s just me). “I want to do this and that and the other thing, but I deserve time to relax after my hard day…but I need to take care of this other obligation … but, but, but…” Whatever. And I say that to myself too – if only you knew how much time I waste watching TV and playing computer games.

Now, computer games and TV are not as important to me as writing. No, really. Despite the fact that I spend more time playing computer games and watching TV than I do writing, writing is more important. So, why the games and TV? Because mixed in with the games and TV are other things – fear of failure, fear of success, inertia, depression, victim-attitude, desire for instant gratification (I love rereading what I wrote, but it takes longer to write it than it does to watch a TV show). When you take all of these things and you combine them, you get a mass of ugly ooze that unfortunately adds up to something more important than writing.

How do you defeat the ugly ooze? One little bit at a time. Each five minutes you spend on the truly important thing is a little bit carved out of the ooze. Keep it up, and slowly you will starve the ooze until its power lessens and suddenly it becomes more important to you to X than it does to do something else.

It also helps if you add things to your very important X to make it stronger in the face of the ooze. Self respect. Self esteem. Making yourself a promise and being the type of person who keeps their word. Rewards (don’t underestimate rewards or consider them beneath you – if it takes an ice cream cone to get you to X for now, then do it). And, very important, habit. Eventually, that inertia will switch sides, betray the ooze and come over and help you build your castle. That which is at rest tends to stay at rest. That which is in motion tends to stay in motion. If you are moving towards building your anti-ooze castle around your very important X, then you will keep moving.

You have enough time, if you use it right. Build your Future. You’ll be glad you did.

Too Many Things To Fix

The world is simply too full of worthwhile projects, injustices in need of justice, and unfairness in general for each of us to conquer them all. – John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

So don’t conquer them all. Just because there’s a lot to be done doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything. So what if you can’t do everything? Do something, and the world and your life will be better for it. That guy over there, he can’t do everything either. But can do something, and you can do something, and together you can get a lot done. Is it everything? Maybe not, but that woman over there is doing something too, and with the three of you, a lot is getting done. And you attract the couple down the street, and the social group itching to go out and do something together and him and her and the other one and, and, and… You get the point?

Pick one thing. It doesn’t have to be the most worthwhile thing or the best choice, but choosing is better than not choosing at all. Then, work on that one thing. If it’s the wrong thing, you can change your mind later. But do something, and that’ll be one less of the “everything” for someone else to do.

Complacency

We think that hope – in the form of complacency – is one of the greatest evils. Without hope, humanity would have gotten busy and cleaned up all the other evils long ago. Hope provides the environment in which the other evils can flourish. – John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

The hope that they talk about here is the hope that “it’ll all go away” or “someone else will take care of it”. People hope that things will get better even if they don’t do anything about them. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes crime statistics get better, even if you don’t create a neighborhood watch program. Sometimes people do get into better moods, even if you don’t be nice to them or see if you can help. Sometimes your noisy neighbors do get quieter (usually by moving away), even if you don’t go over and speak with them. Sometimes it happens.

But it doesn’t happen as often or as quickly as if you had gotten off your butt and done something about it. Hope is wonderful. Hope is great. Without hope of things being better, there’s no incentive for you to do anything. But, hope needs action or else it’s just an excuse.

Don’t let hope fall into the same category as “I’m too tired” or “I just didn’t have enough time”. Don’t use hope as an excuse to do nothing. The Future will be created, whether you act or not, with little regard to what you “hope”.

The Weekend Novelist

The Weekend Novelist by Robert J. Ray is a method of writing a novel in one year by working on the weekends. A lot of people want to write, believe they could write “the Great American Novel”, if only they had the time. You do have the time, according to this book. It takes you step by step through a creation process that will give you a completed novel in one year.

I will most likely pick up a copy of this book, because it has a lot of good ideas. The problem is, it’s so programmed, so sterile that it’s hard to think of writing as fun. Sure, it advises you to write with abandon nearly every weekend – for ten minutes at a time. It’s not as bad as an instruction manual for sex would be, but it’s dry and sees all novels as having the same recipe.

On the other hand, the three and a half novels I’ve written aren’t good enough yet to be published and could do with some improving that I couldn’t figure out on my own. This book will be an excellent guide for me to improve those novels I’ve written. I’ve had the fun of writing, and now I’ll use the cookie-cutter book to help me shape things up. Not a bad thing at all.

One word of caution – if you don’t like having novels spoiled for you, their ends revealed before you read them, then read “The Great Gatsby” and “The Accidental Tourist” before picking up this book.

If writing a novel is one of your dreams, you can make it come true. And when you’ve made one dream come true, the others don’t seem quite so impossible. With that in mind, your Future can become very bright indeed.

Overnight Success

"Overnight success" is just another way of saying "no one noticed until now". – S.L.

J.K Rowling wrote for 2 years before Harry Potter became a household name. A good number of other writers wrote using pen names as they wrote half-baked quickies in order to pay the bills. I don’t recall how long Alex Haley wrote until “Roots” became a success, but I believe it involved decades. Painters in the previous centuries would paint over their previous works that didn’t sell so they wouldn’t waste the canvasses – even the great ones. Many musicians practice for years and years before they get their big break that launches them into “instant” stardom.

But you don’t hear a lot about those parts of the stories, and it’s given to many people the gimmees. They want success now, just like they heard their favorite actor, singer, sports star had it. They didn’t hear or glossed over all the hard work that went with the raw talent in order to create the big break, the fabulous career, the fame. Someone once said that success is when opportunity meets preparation. Too many people believe that success is when opportunity meets raw talent. You can be as talented as Picasso, Bruce Springsteen, and Magic Johnson combined, but if you aren’t willing to do the work, if you aren’t willing to prepare what’s necessary, your opportunities won’t come along.

If you want something in your Future, prepare for it. You’ll get more opportunities that way.

The Inbetween Time

The inbetween time sucks. I know the platitudes and the advice. “Make the best of this.” “Find something you enjoy and do it.” Uh huh. It still sucks. What is that “inbetween time”? It’s that time while or after something has ended and before you’ve gotten used to it. You keep expecting life to get moving again, though in reality life keeps moving along no matter what. But you expect to feel alive again or something. You keep waiting for that signal, that “a-ha!” feeling to come and let you know that the waiting is done, that the new phase of your life has begun.

It doesn’t happen.

There are very few times that this happens. You move into a new house. You have a baby. You start a new job. But for every one of those, there are other “inbetween times”. You are house hunting – you don’t want to spruce up your current place any more than you need to but you still have to live there. You are pregnant – you no longer can do certain things but you don’t have the reason why quite yet. You start a new job – some people find a new job before they start a new one, but a lot of others are out of work and waiting, trying, to find a new job while they balance their checkbooks again.

And there are plenty of other examples. How many people do you know get dumped by a significant other and then mope for months afterwards? Are stuck in grief for a lost loved one to the point that they neglect those still alive? Just sent off their last kid to college and have no idea how to be alone in the house? Started a job in the new city and don’t have friends to hang out with yet?

My advice? Wallow. Get some ice cream or whatever, hop on the computer or the TV, and wallow for a little bit. Let yourself be in the middle of then and when, of what was and what will be. Yes, you will need to get off your duff and do things in order to bring about the Future that you want and desire, but if you’re inbetween and need a break from the waiting and the transition and the plans and the “what if”, wallow for a little bit. Get off your butt tomorrow for a while and then reward yourself some how that works for you.
Life continues always, and your Future is being shaped by everything you do. But give yourself a break now and again. You deserve it, especially when you’re inbetween.

Overweight or Tofu

60 pounds overweight or eating nothing but tofu again. Some people say that any diet works if you work it – if you don’t cheat, if you follow the guidelines exactly, etc. I disagree. I do not want to even try the “all air” diet or the “all grapefruit” diet. I doubt they’re healthy for me. Nor do I want to take up the McDonald’s challenge as depicted in a recent documentary, for reasons I’m not going to go into, just in case their lawyers read this. The real problem with diets is that they work only for as long as you are on them, and then they stop working when you stop doing.

There’s some middle ground between “I’ll eat everything in sight” and “I’ll eat only this very strict and regimented program”. Give yourself permission to eat whatever you want – but stop eating when you’re full. If you don’t know what full feels like, experiment. Why not? You’re going to eat anyway, and what’s a diet, really, except an experiment someone else suggested to you?

Yes, red meat is worse for you than tofu when it comes to fat content. Does that mean you should have tofu instead of red meat? Not if you don’t like tofu. Which I don’t. I don’t eat it. I also eat very little red meat. However, if I want to eat red meat, I do. If I want to eat ice cream, I do. But I also pay close attention to what I really want and what’s convenient. Sure, drive by fast food is convenient, but when I stop and really think about it, about how I feel afterwards, about what the food tastes like when compared to home made, it’s not always my first choice.

I also make healthy stuff as convenient as possible. It’s better for me to eat the skins on carrots. I know this. It’s cheaper for me to buy carrots by the bunch rather than buy the skinned baby carrots. But you know what? I don’t eat carrots by the bunch. I do eat baby carrots. They’re easy and convenient. Do I get as many vitamins and nutrients as I would if I ate “adult” carrots? Nope, but I get more than if I didn’t eat carrots at all.

I buy frozen foods that are healthier for me than other frozen foods. That way, when I don’t feel like cooking, I can just grab something from the freezer and make it quick. I have access to plenty of marinade recipes. I use bottled marinade. Why? Because I know me. I know I’m not going to make home made marinade. I don’t like cooking that much. But, I do enjoy making a quick stir fry, which is something I can do with a bottled marinade. Or mix it into burgers. Or mix it into some otherwise plain rice. I use white rice. Why? Because it’s easier than brown rice. I also like the taste better. Does that mean that I’m not eating healthy? No, because I do use this rice in making easier healthy dishes than I would if I tried to force myself into using brown rice. I wouldn’t use the brown rice, just like I don’t use that half a bag of beans sitting in my cabinet because I don’t like the taste. Would eating beans be healthier for me than eating turkey, yes. But eating turkey is better for me than eating red meat, and I will eat turkey. I don’t care for beans – at least not those.

You don’t have to eat everything that’s bad for you, but you don’t have to deny yourself everything you want. There is compromise everywhere, a middle ground that you can reach. Some people may taunt you when you order a diet coke with your fast food burger. Screw them. Little things add up. Make small adjustments, and if the jerks say “I don’t see a difference”, remind yourself you’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for you right now and you in the future, and that’s what matters. You.

Abusive Spouse or Lonely Spinster

“Nothing is worse than being alone” is the rallying cry of every spouse who stays with someone who belittles, hits, rapes, ignores, or otherwise abuses them. Really? Some people believe so for a variety of reasons, but one of the biggest is that the person just doesn’t like the company they keep when they’re alone.

Dump the loser. Dump him, dump her, dump them, just toss the trash out into the street. If you feel you cannot live without them, if they tell you you cannot live without them, if they threaten to kill you if you leave, dump them, dump them, dump them. But I believe I’ve already talked about that in a previous post.

This post is about the middle ground. “I don’t want to be one of those old ladies with 35 cats.” Then don’t be. I know two ladies in their seventies, neither of whom ever married. They live together not for financial reasons but because they enjoy the company. They don’t date (to my knowledge), but they do travel extensively. They’ve been to more continents since they turned 50 than I’ve been to in my entire life. If you want to know about what you can do when you’re old other than knit blankets and pet your cats, contact the AARP or the Red Hat Society. They’ll be happy to help you find something fun and social to do, so you won’t be lonely. And if you want to find a little romance, then you won’t need to be a spinster either.

Some people feel more complete when they’re in a relationship than they do on their own. Which is sad. I’ve been there, and I know that in my case at least (and for too many of my friends), it’s because of a dislike of one’s self, a lack of self confidence, a need for someone else to take care of you, even if that someone else depends on you more than you do on them. But you don’t have to stay with an abusive loser just to have a relationship.

The problem is, too many people who grew up in abusive homes became adrenaline junkies. They just don’t know how live without that constant crisis mode. Nice, stable people who don’t do drugs or drink or hit or whatever just aren’t “exciting” enough, because they don’t give that surge of adrenaline whenever they walk through the door – because you already know whether or not you’ll finish the night in the emergency room.

Contrary to what a lot of bar patrons say, especially around midnight, one in the morning, there are decent guys out there. There are decent women out there. And these decent people are single and looking for a relationship. They might not be at the bar at one in the morning, but they are somewhere.

You don’t need to stay with a loser to have a relationship. You don’t need a relationship to have fun. There are other options.

Break from Obligations

Normally it's Fridays that I skip, but this week it was everything else, including the book review for tomorrow, because I'm still reading it.

So why do I do this? Why do I bother? With so few comments, really this is very little more than a public journal, as far as I know, except that a few people have said they have read one or two of the posts. Is that enough?

Right at the moment, not really. I have so much other stuff going on that I rather need a break from obligations. But, that's getting better.

Normally, though, yes. Because even if no one else reads this, a good number of the posts are things I needed to read. If it helps no one else, it helps me. So, it is worth it, when things are good, great, or even average. Right now, not so much.

Thank you for bearing with me during the "not so much". Regular posting is coming. Irregular posting will continue in the mean time.

Horrific Life or Drug-Induced Haze

This one’s tougher for me to talk about. While I’ve deal with sex, weight, and abuse, I’ve never really gotten into drugs – not even alcohol or nicotine. It’s easy for me to slip into a platitude about how great life is and how drugs never make anything better, but that’s all bull. Life sometimes sucks, and drugs don’t make anything better but they let you forget for a little while.

The main problem with drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, is that they distract you from the problems in your life. They don’t “take care of” the problems. The problems are still there. You’ve just side stepped them for now. But they’re still waiting and lurking, stalking you. And they seem insurmountable, because the pain that comes with them cripples you. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Truly big problems are tough to handle, so break it down. Break it down from “my life sucks” into “I hate my parents/spouse/etc., my job sucks, I am tired all the time, etc.” Life sucking is too large. Get specific, and then fix what you can. Tired all the time? Go to bed a little earlier. Can’t because you have too much to do? Do what you need to earlier, get some help (which is more important – a few bucks or the extra sleep you get because someone else is taking care of the lawn), refuse to do some things (use paper plates and plastic forks for a while instead of doing the dishes), and get some of those irritations out the door. Or maybe your neighbors are too noisy. Get some ear plugs. Can’t sleep with ear plugs? Learn how. You aren’t getting any sleep now any way, you may as well use that time learning how to sleep with ear plugs.

There are solutions to the smaller problems, and once you get the smaller ones out of the way, you can see the bigger ones – if you’re not high, drunk, or buzzing. The bigger ones can be taken care of, too, once you get your energy back away from all the little ants that were biting you (the irritating smaller troubles). Sometimes you don’t want to see the solution, so you blind yourself intentionally. Sometimes the solution seems to be worse than the problem. If you need drugs to be able to live with your current situation, there has to be something better out there for you.

We live in a time with a lot of resources, particularly in the “larger” nations. Since you have access to the internet (since you’re reading this), find some free advice, a group that’s going through the same things you are, reduced fee or even free professional help.

Get rid of the reason why your life is horrific, and you won’t need the drugs. Good luck.

Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent (2)

(delayed posting for Monday)
Some people abstain from not just sex, but also all sexual contact. They may do this for religious reasons. I have no issue with that. Others do so because it seems to them that the only other choice would be to become a slut. This I have an issue with.

If you do nothing, you may as well join a convent. If you enjoy some sexual contact but you don’t “go all the way”, then you’re a tease. If you do “go all the way”, then you’re a slut. Some adults actually believe this and live their lives by this. For gods’ sakes, get out of high school already.

This is a tough one for some people, because the place they live or the places they socialize, that’s the “rule”. That’s how people expect others to behave. If that’s where you socialize, find someplace else, someplace that will respect your choices, that will actually give you the option of giving someone a kiss if you feel like it without the need to drop your pants. If that’s where you live, you may want to consider living somewhere else. If not, then you’re going to have to figure something out. I suggest masturbation or a very discrete friend who also doesn’t care for the “rules” laid down by your society.

For others, this isn’t what their social circle dictates; it’s just the way they live. Some feel like their passion is a burning inferno that if they ever let loose, they will become hedonistic rampages of sexual destruction, or at least have a whole lot more sex than they could respect themselves for. I can understand this, because I know there are people who feel the same way about pain, sadness, and anger. They feel like they have to keep a tight, tight lid on their emotions or else it will overwhelm them and everyone around them. You need a healthy outlet for those emotions, because locked away, they breed and fester. Give them a safe and healthy outlet so that if you come across a situation where that lid gets blown, you won’t be overwhelmed by a hurricane of emotion. I suggest you start by yourself – talking to yourself, reading, writing, punching pillows, or whatever physical outlet is appropriate. Give yourself some time alone, without interruptions, and if you cannot manage that, then there is more wrong with your life than this turmoil inside you.

There are a lot of shades of gray in this continuum where slut and convent are the extremes. You don’t have to life an extreme unless you want to. Just make sure it’s something you choose, not something you just accept as “the way things are”.

Refuse to Choose (2)

Okay, I have finished reading “Refuse to Choose! A revolutionary program for doing everything that you love” by Barbara Sher. This is a great, great book, and I am so glad I read it. I recognized myself in many of the chapters and came away with wonderful ideas about how to arrange my life so I am happier and can do all the things I want to do without the guilt for no longer doing things that I no longer love.

This book is for Scanners. A Scanner is someone who is “smart, curious, devouring every new project or experience – and unable to decide, once and for all, on a single direction for their lives”. You probably know one – someone who just can’t settle down into one job or keeps going back to school for a new degree or loves ballet and astrophysics and ancient Hungarian folk lore and a thousand other things. You may even be one of them. Whoever the Scanner is in your life, recommend this book to them. It can make a world of difference.

As for me, I’m heading over to the discussion boards that Barbara Sher has put up for Scanners and see what’s there.

Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent

In my previous post “You Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Want”, I talked about four different extremes that people frequently believe are the only choices in these subjects. I’d like to go into those today and over the next three posts.

Bar slut or convent. You don’t have to have sex with every available man, and you don’t have to abstain from sex. You can be picky about who you have sex with and still get to have sex.

Some people believe that if they don’t take this guy home, then no one else will come along that night. Or at least no one better. That just might be true. But you don’t have to go home with someone tonight. Life can get very lonely late at night when you’re all alone. Having someone there to help distract you from … well, everything quite frankly, can be very comforting. But it’s not the only way to distract yourself. If you need a warm body in your bed, get a dog. If you need orgasms, get a vibrator. If you need someone to talk to, get a roommate or a great internet connection. If you need something to fill up your time until you’re so tired, you’ll fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, clean, sew, knit, bake, watch old movies, watch new movies, watch reruns of TV shows on TV or on the internet, find an online game that people half-way around the world are playing when you ought to be sleeping and kick their pansy butts at it. It doesn’t have to be sex.

Some people believe that they won’t be able to find their soul mate unless they have sex with people, because no one’s going to find them interesting without sex. You are an incredible person. You don’t need some hound in heat slavering at your crotch in order to find someone to spend your life with. If they aren’t willing to wait until they’ve known a full and entire 24 hours before getting into your pants, they probably aren’t worth your time. Better you figure that out now rather than 4 years from now when you’ll get stuck with the kids because your partner’s too busy boinking someone else to bother taking custody. Go ahead and have sex, wonderful sex, mind (and other body part) blowing sex. Just don’t expect more than that from someone about whom you know next to nothing. So, how do you find your soulmate if not through sex? Want ads, internet dating services, friends of friends, blind dates, social circles, volunteer groups, special interest groups (clubs, organizations, etc.). And since you’re getting your sex on the side, you don’t have to worry about seeming desperate.

We’ll look at the flip side next.