The End

This is my 300th post. I have written in this blog for the past three years, and now it is time for me to move on. Thank you to everyone who has read and especially to everyone who has commented. I hope you’ve enjoyed, and I hope that it’s given you something to think about. I know it’s done so for me. Thank you and good bye.

Things We Lose, The Wonderful

Not everything we lose is bad. Such a significant change like cancer can also help you lose a few other things. You could lose your pride and your insistence that you do things yourself. Your need for others could strengthen your relationships with them. You could lose your illusions, which can only help you build your Future. You could lose your pettiness and some stress. After all, what does it matter if the neighbor’s dog goes on your lawn? Compared to cancer, that’s nothing. You could lose your trepidation and fear. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to try something new but were afraid. Well, now you remember that you don’t have all the time in the world, and you get off your butt and do it. Also, since cancer shook you up, maybe you want to shake up yourself a bit, lose your complacency and your predictability. There is no need to go back to the exact same life you had before cancer unless that is what you wanted to do.

Cancer can provide you with an opportunity. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but if you have to have cancer anyway, why not make the best of it?

Things We Lose, The Miserable

When something huge rocks your world, things get shaken up. When that happens, you can lose your sense of normalcy, your sense of security, your privacy, your career, your innocence, your confidence, your trust in the future, your health insurance, your savings, and/or your identity. You can also lose time while you put the rest of your life on hold in order to deal with this change. With the exception of time and innocence, you can get this all back.

One of the women I know hates the phrase “the new normal”. She claims that nothing is normal for her. She has a lousy attitude often and apparently cannot accept things as they are right now. You don’t have to be like that. You know that life changes, and you can adjust.

Your sense of security is shaken, but you know yourself and your body better, so you can build your security back up. The same for your confidence and your identity. Your privacy was altered for a while, but you can get it back. You can get a new career which has great health insurance. You can build back up your savings.

You don’t have to start over, just start where you are. You can create your Future and make it brighter than ever before.

Things We Lose, Relationships

During a significant change, your relationships with others may alter. For some, family security is lost as people realize that things won’t be this way forever. Others decide that they aren’t going to take the way they’ve been treated any more. Life is too short, and they won’t be a doormat. This can upset a lot of relationships. For others, life is too short to hold grudges, and relationships that have been distant may become mended. Some people decide that they have enough drama in their lives with cancer or other big change; they don’t need other people’s drama as well. Since some people live perpetually in a state of drama or crisis, those people may decide they aren’t being appreciated enough and leave, or the survivor may decide to leave them. With gynecologic cancer, sex changes, whether it be because of hormonal changes in the sex drive, emotional changes in the feelings of attractiveness, physical changes that require some alterations to preparation or position, or any other reason. Sex may never be the same way again, but it can be just as good if not better. Some people cannot handle thinking about losing someone to cancer or they may believe it to be contagious or whatever, and you may lose friends or family members. I could go into the trite “then they aren’t worth it”, but whether they’re worth it or not, it still sucks.

Life means change. No change means stagnation, and while you can survive with stagnation, you cannot live with it. Cancer and other significant changes condense a whole lot of change into a very little amount of time. But you can survive it, and when you come out on the other side, you do live. You may not have the same life, the same family, the same relationships as before, but you do live, and that’s more important.

Things We Lose, Our Bodies

Our bodies are more than just the physical. It’s also about how we relate to our bodies. Our health is compromised, true, but we can also lose our sense of well-being, how we feel about being ill. Our diet may change or our appetite may leave completely. We used to feel that we could rely upon our body, but that’s gone or at least shaken up. Sometimes women lose their body temperature regulator. It will always be too hot or too cold. We lose sleep, whether because our bodies don’t want to sleep or because we’re too anxious and can’t quiet our brains long enough to fall asleep. Some treatments interfere with memory or concentration, but that will come back.

We get some of these back. Some we have to learn to live with. Some we have to learn to live without. Life has been good training for this. All our lives, we’ve gained and lost people, perspectives, and parts of ourselves. We don’t have the bodies we had when we were teens, much less the ones we had as kids. We are no longer students or virgins or whatever other labels we may have had once upon a time. You can get through this. You can get through anything. And wonderfully, amazingly, it is up to you who you are on the other side.

Things We Lose, the Physical

We can lose a lot of things because of cancer or how others react to our having cancer. Here are a few. You can lose body parts, including ones that used to feel fantastic during sex. These body parts could include your uterus, which means no more periods. Sometimes you lose skin or hair because of the treatment type. You could also lose muscle strength or vein strength. You may lose your figure because the surgery puts things a little out of whack, or you’re unable to exercise like you used to, or because of attachments you may have to wear. Your overall health could suffer.

What you have to remember, though, is that you are more than your body. You are a wonderful human being no matter what you look like. You knew that once, whether that was just before you found out you had cancer or when you were a tiny baby. But you knew it once, and you will again.

7 Other Things We Feel, the Flip Side

Traumas and changes in your life don’t just bring out the bad or the negative in you, your life, and those around you. There are some benefits, if you let yourself see them.

Reflective – This is a big change. Some people see it as a time to take a good look at their lives, themselves, their relationships both with other people and with their Higher Power. This can be the proverbial kick in the pants that you need to make a few alterations that you wouldn’t otherwise notice.

Anticipation – Like I said in a previous post, major change can give you an out, and some people are eager to get that started. Other women I’ve met have quite jobs, sold businesses, started new careers, taken trips, begun new passions, or other things. Their life has changed and they are eager for it.

Joy – What was wrong is being made right in your body, and you can do the same for your life.

Gratefulness – When you have this huge problem in your life, you start to feel grateful for all the things that are going right. Friendships that are supportive and loving, days you can breathe easily, a warm cup of tea, and so many other things take on new meaning when contrasted with cancer.

Hopeful – This treatment will get my health back on track. This doctor knows what she’s doing. A year from now, I will be on that vacation I’ve always planned but never took. You see a life beyond cancer, and you feel hopeful.

Sisterhood – Some things you simply have to share with someone who’s been there, and that means other women who’ve been through gynecologic cancer. I’ve found some fantastic, wonderful women that I wouldn’t have met if it hadn’t been for getting cancer.

Not everything that you feel during a crisis or a change is negative. Some of it can be wonderful. You can wrap up these wonderful emotions and bring them with you into your Future.

5 More Things We Feel

Impatience – For crying out loud, we just want to get this over with and get on with our lives. But, something this big doesn’t really leave, not all at once. It lingers for a while, and it’ll pop up at unexpected moments. But it does fade away, and life does become wonderful again.

Guilt – Did I cause this? Am I being a burden on other people? Could I have done something different? If you feel guilty, then remember you’re not alone, and remember, would you be willing to help your friends if they were in the same situation? As for the cause, well, that’s in the past. If you think you may have caused it, then change whatever it is you were doing. And all this applies to so many other things in your life as well.

Fatigue – Fighting cancer is tiring. It’s tiring physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Let yourself be tired and give yourself plenty of rest. You are not weak for needing to rest. You’re just human.

Weak – Like I said, you’re going through a major trauma. Needing to rely on others more is not weakness, just a necessary part of your recovery.

Disappointment – Oh, I could go on for pages about this. There are so many things to be disappointed in, but you have to remember that there are so many things to be grateful for, too.

After any upheaval in your life, these things will come up. You can deal with them. You are strong enough to deal with them. You’re even strong enough to deal with being weak, as ironic as it sounds. You can get through this and continue on into your Future.

5 Things We Feel

Failure – I was rather proud of the fact that I hadn’t had any major surgery. Out of my entire family, I was the only one who still had my tonsils and appendix. Well, that went out the window.

Anxiety – I didn’t know what would happen after the surgery. I hoped things would just go back to normal, but I knew it would take time, and I wasn’t sure how things would go. I felt especially anxious because some of my personal relationships weren’t working out, and I’m wasn’t sure that they’d survive my having cancer.

Loneliness – My husband and friends tried to understand, but I still felt lonely. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had had cancer. I knew that people I knew had had cancer. But, I was still stuck in my bedroom usually by myself, wondering how to get back to the “real world”. I enjoyed my healing nest, my cocoon, but it was a lonely place.

Sorrow and Sadness – There were tears on occasion, more of fear and loss than of sorrow. I was already doubting my worth as a woman and my attractiveness to have gynecologic cancer do too much more damage as it did with other women. I was already depressed and sad. These two emotions didn’t leap out as much as others did.

Confusion – Why was this happening to me? What’s going to happen in the future? Why are people acting the way they are? I’m the one with cancer, after all.

I felt all of these things and more, both during the time I was diagnosed and in treatment and in a lot of other times in my life. None of these will kill you, but they can make your life miserable for a while. It does get better. Just remember your Future and continue on your way.

Strong, Curiosity

Anything that tests you, any adversity you face whether you overcome it or not, can strengthen you. You can become stronger than ever, if you let yourself, and sometimes even if you don’t. You may become strong despite yourself.

I learned what I could about gynecologic cancer to a point. After a while, all the books just kept saying the same things, so I stopped. For others, it becomes a lifelong passion. One woman I know became an advocate who has done amazing things since her diagnosis. She has learned so much about ovarian cancer. It’s been said that people fear what they don’t understand. If there’s something you fear, learn more about it. It may help.

Resignation, Detached, Helplessness, Dependent

Oh, yeah. These are big. Resignation came after disbelief and betrayal for me. I’m not sure when I hit it, but I’m pretty sure I got at least some of it as I was being prepped for surgery. There was no reprieve. They were going to cut me open and remove pieces of my body. But, once I was resigned to that, I could change it in my head. They were curing me, healing me, helping my body to heal by taking away the parts that weren’t allowing my body to work right. But first, I had to accept, which is the sister emotion to resignation.

Some women felt very detached from their bodies. What was happening to them was happening “over there” while their souls and their “real selves” were “over here”. I had that a few times, though not as often.

Helplessness? Dependency? Yep. I wasn’t allowed to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, which meant I couldn’t help shovel snow, I couldn’t help unbury my car which received a ticket for being buried by the snow plow. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do that. I had to depend on others to do it for me, and that’s not something I’ve ever enjoyed doing. I fought it, and I paid for it.

As negative as these seem, they’re just emotions, and you’re allowed to feel them. Denying them will only make them stronger, as you push them beneath the surface. Feel and then move on. I won’t tell you to let go or anything like that (though that’s a good idea). Sometimes you can’t. But you do have to move on into the Future.

Elation

This one I’m putting by itself because it’s one of those things that people don’t expect, but I understand it, though I didn’t go through this quite as much as some of the women I know.

Cancer, like divorce, getting fired, or other major changes in your life, gives you an out to a certain degree. Society has all of these expectations of you and how you’re supposed to act and react, and it’s stifling. But, when you’re faced with a possible death sentence, you just don’t care any more. Or you care, but you realize that it doesn’t matter any more. You can be who you want to be, and society, your family, your so-called friends can all go to hell. You are free, finally and at last, to be and do anything. You no longer have to play by the restrictions that society insists upon. You still have to play by the rules – no murder, no thieving, etc. But, you can dump the guy that your mother loves. You can get rid of the high-paying but incredibly-stressful job. You can take the trip to New Zealand that you’ve always wanted to take rather than putting it off until next year. You might not have a next year. You get to live, and no one gets to give you grief over it. Or if they do, you get to blow them off.

Another source of elation for some people is that they finally know what’s wrong. I’ve heard tales from other women with gynecologic cancer that they were sick or tired or achy for months if not years, and the doctors didn’t think anything was wrong or if they did they thought it was X, but the treatment for X wasn’t working. Now, at long last, there is an answer. The answer sucks, but there is an answer.

You don’t have to wait until you’re dying to start living, and you don’t have to rely upon the experts’ opinions if you know in your heart and in your gut that they’re wrong. You can do that now. If you need permission to do so, you have mine. I give you permission to trust yourself and to live fully. Good luck.

Frustration, Shock, Anger

Frustration? Sure. I actually tore a muscle because I was so frustrated with my inability to get back to my usual routine that I overdid the exercising. Shock? Oh, yeah. Like I said in the previous post, I couldn’t believe that it had happened to me. I had had normal pap smears for years, and suddenly this. Anger? Yep, for so many reasons.

Other times I’ve felt frustration, shock and anger? When someone has broken up with me. I distinctly remember one time the summer after I graduated college. Very nice guy, let me rant and rave for hours after he dumped me. I’m still not sure why, but I think it was guilt. First time I got fired, that was a big one. I walked for an hour or so just trying to make sense of it. Pretty much any time that there was an abrupt change in my life that I didn’t make and that I didn’t like. But, like a lot of other things, I had to work through it and past it in order to get on with my life and create my Future instead of dwelling in the past. It can be done, and you can do it, too.

Disbelief, Betrayal

I couldn’t believe at first that I had cancer. I kept expecting it to be a wrong diagnosis. I thought that for about a month and a half. I worked at a place where doctors read pap smears all the time. A lot of time they would get a not-normal diagnosis and the advice would be to get retested in three to six months. That’s what I expected. But, that rug got pulled out from under me, and within 2 months, I was in surgery, my first major surgery of my life.

I felt betrayed, a little by my body, but more by the medical community and a bit by my family. I knew that my mother had gynecological problems when she was around 40, but she refused to talk about it with my sisters, and everything I heard was from my sisters until my diagnosis. Once I was diagnosed, I got my family history. My mother had gynecological problems. So did my aunt, my other aunt, my grandmother, and my other grandmother. All the women of my family for two generations and on both sides had gynecological problems, but I didn’t know this until after I got cancer. First thing I did after getting that information was tell my sisters so that they could tell their doctors. It’s now in my medical file. I wish it had been years ago. As I read up on my cancer, I learned that one of the possible contributing factors was long-term birth control pill use. Well, gee, I’d been using birth control pills for years, and no one mentioned that to me. No my primary care physician, not anyone I saw back in college, not the gynecologist I saw, not the gynecologist-oncologist I saw, none of the nurses. I had to learn that on my own. You think that maybe, just maybe, someone would have mentioned that after reviewing my multi-year history of birth control pill use. But, no. Had I known, I would have switched to a different method long before I got diagnosed.

But, no matter how much I didn’t want to believe, and no matter who I wanted to blame, I had to face the fact that I had cancer. And nothing that anyone else had done or that I thought would change that. I had to accept that before I could move forward. Where you are now, what reality is right now, is something you’ll have to face in order to create your Future.

Fear

Fear is probably the emotion that’s first mentioned when talking about cancer. Will I die? Will I be scarred? How long do I have to live? What will my life be like from here forward? The truth is, yes, you will die. Eventually. Whether that’s by cancer, old age, a bus, or saving orphans from a fire, eventually you will die. But we don’t think about it. Getting the news that we are mortal is a jolt. Sure we know it, but it’s one of those things we don’t really think about. How long do I have to live? No one knows, not even the doctors. With the type of cancer I had and how long it’s been since my surgery, I have a less than 5% chance of recurrence. I could live to be in my 80s. But, I do have a 5% chance. I also have a chance to be struck by lightning, of falling down the stairs and breaking my neck, or this or that or whatever. No one knows how long they have, and neither do you. What will my life be like? Well, that’s a tougher one. Will you be lucky like me and have your surgery be curative? Will you need radiation treatment or chemotherapy? Will you have to visit doctors every month for the rest of your life? Or will you decide “screw this”, cash in your 401k and your IRA and take a trip around the world? It’s all scary, but then all change is scary. You have more choices than you think.

Feelings Associated with Cancer

Recently I attended a retreat for cancer survivors and patients. One of the things we talked about was all of the different feelings associated with cancer. We didn’t talk just about the expected ones or the “acceptable” ones. We mentioned all of the ones we were feelings, even the ones that people who haven’t been through cancer would find unusual or scandalous. For the next several posts, I’m going to be going over these feelings and talking about my viewpoint on them, not just for cancer but for life in general.

We also talked about things we lost when we had cancer, perhaps because of cancer, perhaps because of our reactions to cancer. I’ll go over some of those as well, because it’s not just cancer that can cause us loss.

There will be no more book reviews in my blog. Thank you to everyone who has commented on them before.

In Pursuit

I am still in pursuit of my dream, but I'm getting pressured to do it on another's agenda and timeline. That's not right for me. Perhaps I do need to do more than what I am doing right now, but that's for me to decide, not for another. Don't let someone else dictate to you what's right for you. Learn to trust your gut and your mind, and if this is too big and you don't yet trust, work on that first, because trusting yourself is more important than almost anything you're doing.

Why We Want You To Be Rich

Why We Want You To Be Rich: Two Men, One Message by Donald J. Trumb, Robert T. Kiyosaki, Meredith McIver, and Sharon Lechter. According to this book, the middle class will soon be a thing of the past, at least in America. It offers ideas and inspiration of how to get out of the middle class and become rich. It’s a fantastic book, easy to read. Most non-fiction books I read, I might mark two or three pages with a quote or a reference I want to note down. I had 20-30 pages marked. The only other author that beats that is Sark, who is just too great for words. I highly recommend it.

Everyone is Free

One of my favorite songs is "Everyone Is Free". One of the lines in it is "Do one thing every day that scares you". So much of my new business (ad)venture is outside my comfort zone, that a lot of it scares me. So, I've been getting practice at that. I just finished a draft of a letter, and that scared me. It was just a draft. I didn't send it to any one. It didn't have to be perfect, since it was probably going to be revised. No one was going to read it, not in that form, anyway. But, it was a step on the path, a path that's leading me places I've never been but that I very much want to go to. Fear can prevent you from doing stupid things, but it can also prevent you from doing some pretty wonderful things, too. Find one wonderful, scary thing and think about it. Or if thinking about it isn't scary for you, pretend you're doing it. Or read a book about it. Or ask someone questions. Or something, something that brings that wonderful, scary thing closer into your life. It's an amazing feeling when you're done.

Lack of posting lately

Remember how I told you that the challenge was not to change anything major in my life unless the perfect thing fell into my lap? The perfect thing fell into my lap, and now I am putting my money where my mouth is. I am building my Future and have gotten caught up in the whirlwind of new beginnings. As things settle down, I will post again.

The Dance of Anger

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner is an easy to read book, rather insightful, and has decent advice. It doesn’t go too much into depth into any one kind of relationship, but it does offer strategies you can use in a broad number of them. Unless all your relationships are perfect, it’s worth a read.

Ostrich

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - Aldous Huxley

The ostrich buries its head in the sand (metaphorically, not actually, but go with me on this). However, that doesn’t change anything. You can pretend that he doesn’t drink or she doesn’t lie or he doesn’t cheat or you’re not angry or everything’s fine, but it doesn’t make it so. There is a codependent-recovery saying, “Fake it till you make it”, but that’s regarding your own behavior and your own beliefs, not about someone else. And you never, ever, fake it about money.

The difference, and the problem, comes in with the prequel to the saying. You see, you have to fake it intentionally, and you can’t do that until you know it’s false. And you can’t do that until you’re honest with yourself and see the facts as they really are.

Build your Future on truths, not preferences.

Making Mistakes

Experience can be merely the repetition of same error often enough. - John G. Azzopardi

Sometimes you have to make your own mistakes. Sometimes you can learn from someone else’s, and you don’t have to make your own. Sometimes you have to make the same mistake repeatedly before you learn. Why? Because somewhere along the line, you learned something else, and before you can learn new, you have to unlearn old.

I was taught a lot of wrong things when I was a kid, including a lot of sexist and racist ideas that I’ve worked hard to eliminate from my thoughts. I’ve had a lot of unlearning to do, and I had to clear out the wrong in order to make room for the right.

Making the same mistake over and over can be a similar thing, if you learn from it. Somewhere you learned that this was the right thing, and it’ll take you a while to figure out, deep inside yourself, that no, it isn’t. But do try to learn. Too many people don’t bother to learn from their mistakes at all, much less unlearn something from their past.

With mistakes comes experience, and with experience comes knowledge and the ability to better shape your Future. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, so long as you learn.

More Birds of a Feather

Example is contagious behavior. - Charles Reade

Birds of a feather flock together. Monkey see, monkey do. Herd mentality. The thing is, example is contagious behavior. Who you hang around with, what you watch on TV, what you read are the examples that you put into your brain, and your brain will reply in kind. If you don’t like what you’re doing, find people who are doing what you like and start hanging around them. If you want to think a different way, find others who think a different way.

And if you think, “Oh, that won’t happen to me,” I assure that it might. There have been times that I’ve thought, “At least I’m not as bad as X.” Whatever habit or situation I’ve been in, as long as there was someone worse, I thought it was tolerable. Even when it wasn’t. Especially when it wasn’t, because sometimes that “I’m not as bad as that” was all that kept me from doing something to change my life.

You can life and build your Future without any like-minded people around, but it’s a whole lot easier with them than without them.

Examples

Advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves. - H. W. Shaw

This quote is right, for the most part, but there are exceptions to every rule. Some people will choose an example that they think fits, or they’ll see an example but refuse to believe it, discounting it as not really applying. While an example may prove itself, it does not necessarily change people’s minds. I could give you examples, but that’d be defeating the purpose.

Don’t take tips on success from unsuccessful people. Don’t take advice on how to be happy from people who are miserable. Be aware of where the advice comes from. Examples are very good at letting you know what kind of source it is.

The Obsession

The Obsession: Reflections on the Tyranny of Slenderness by Kim Chernin is a very interesting book, and I do recommend reading it. Written over 20 years ago, it still is very relevant to women today. It is about dieting, eating, anorexia, and the power of women. Why is anorexia found almost exclusively among women? Why was it being found in almost epidemic numbers at that particular time? Why are women the ones who diet, to whom the diet books, magazines, and groups are marketed? Kim Chernin answers these questions and many more on an interesting journey into the culture and eventually the soul of current life. I don’t agree with everything she said, but some of her observations are simply amazing and well worth it.

Birds of a Feather

People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after. - Oliver Goldsmith The Bee no. II 13 October 1759 On Our Theatres

If you want to become a more positive person, hang around positive people. If you want to have more honor and integrity, hang around people with honor and integrity. Take a look at your friends and your family. Who you are with the most will have a profound effect on you. If you want to improve yourself, figure out in what way, and then find an environment to do it in. Part of it will rub off on you, whether you want it to or not. Unfortunately, the same is true when you spend a lot of time with people who have characteristics you’d rather not share. It’s easier to be honest when you hang around honest people. It’s easier to build dreams when you hang around dream-builders. It’s easier to be alive when you hang around the living as opposed to the merely surviving. You can build your Future no matter where you are right now, but there are places that it will be easier. You can find them.

Forgotten Dreams

So yeah, dreams are important. And I think there are more dreamers today than ever before in the history of anything... but... they're so afraid, so many of them. Afraid to lose all their 'manageable misery.' It's all just so... so... pathetic. Pathetic... and selfish. Are you seriously telling me... that you would deny the world an exquisite painting just because the cardboard firm from down the street is hiring? That you'd stay out of politics because your mates would think you a twat? That the greatest secrets of quantum physics would go forever unearthed... because Dad thinks girls are fit only for babymaking? Does that really sound good enough for you? Really? Maddening! And don't you dare tell me I'm unrealistic. I know a body's chance of sinking their claws into a dream are fairly grim. But... not to try? To settle into the gray doldrums with nary a peep? - Aaron A., Serenity Rose

When we were kids, we dreamed. We wanted to be things, do things when we grew up, even if for some of us the only dream was to be alive and somewhere other than “home”. But, we dreamed. Some of those dreams no longer fit. Now that we’re adults, we have different opinions and desires than when we were kids. But, we dust off the dreams now and again to have our cotton candy. Some of those dreams we’ve accomplished, and we look around at our life and we see this and feel full and satisfied. But there are other dreams, dreams that could complete us, dreams that still have a corner of our hearts, though we scarcely acknowledge them to ourselves much less bring them out into the bright of day. These dreams may not fit our lives as they are now, but they could fit our lives as we wish that they were. Search yourself and see if there are any hidden dreams.

I have always wanted to be a writer. I wrote my first book in kindergarten. It was stapled together for the binding, and I drew the pictures. I wish I still had it. Throughout my life, I’ve gone from poems to short stories to journals to novels back to short stories and so on and so on, but it wasn’t until recently that I acknowledged that writing was a part of me rather than just an expression of creativity like role-playing or painting. Deep in my soul, my dream of writing has always been there, and I’ve dusted it off, and this blog is part of the result. I have not published anything except a blurb in the senior yearbook, but that’s not what’s important. I’m not writing to publish. I’m not writing for other people. I’m writing for me. Even this blog, as much as I love helping others, as much as I know that there are other people who need to hear what I have to say, I write it because I have to say it. Because I write. I will almost assuredly never turn this into a career. But I don’t have to. That’s not part of my dream. My dream is to write, and I do.

Do you have dreams you could take a look at, maybe add just a dab of into your life? Do you love to paint but have nowhere to do it? Why would you need somewhere big? A little paint, a small brush, a piece of 8.5”x11” paper – that’s enough. Do you dream of dancing? Then do it, in your living room, blinds shut or open, people there or not. Do you dream of living in Paris? Learn French. Why? Just because. Get books of paintings by French painters. Read books set in Paris. You can add a little bit of Paris to your life right now as you figure out how to bring your dream into reality.

There are dreams inside you that will never die. Breathe a little more life into them and see how much life they breathe into you.

What Should I Do With My Life?

What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson is a good book, and I recommend reading it. The author interviewed hundreds of people who either have found their “calling” or who were still searching for it and has put a lot of their stories in this book. Along with their stories, he includes the wisdom and guidance he’s gleaned from it all. It doesn’t answer the question for you, but it offers a lot of help in answering the question yourself.

Just Dreamers

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. - Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling)

Last post, I told you to dream first, and this quote reminds us of the “first” part of that. Dream, and then do. For dreams are worth very little if you don’t take steps to make them come true. They’re like mental cotton candy, entertaining and sweet, but they do nothing to satisfy your hunger. Realities are pot roast, hearty and filling, when done right. Use your dreams to create your reality, and you will have the best of both worlds.

Dreamers

Yes, I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world. - Oscar Wilde

Recently in American culture, being called a dreamer was an insult. The esteemed people were the ones with their feet on the ground. Well, the best ones, the movers and the shakers, the changers and the doers, are the people who dream big and then make their dreams come true. People who don’t dream don’t change the world, and most of them don’t get to create their Future. If you want to build your Future was you want it, you must first dream.

Bowlines

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Frequently misattributed to Mark Twain

Throwing off your bowlines can be a scary thing. The harbor is safe, but as one adage says, that’s not what a boat is for. Some people try to sail around, but keep one rope tied securely to the harbor. This is why you have maps. You will be able to find your way back to safety or find your way to a new safe harbor. Perhaps the person who you have waiting for you in the harbor won’t wait. Perhaps there will be repercussions for doing what you want to do instead of what others want you to do. But, would you rather live the half life they insist upon or a whole life without a safety net? And if you cannot decide upon that, then create your own safety net, the safe harbor that you carry around in your heart. Rely upon yourself for your pats on the back and your support until you can find other sailors with whom to go around the world.

Bitter Tears

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. - Harriet Beecher Stowe

I get why people don’t say or do things that, on their deathbed, they wish they had. I have a few of those floating around in my life myself. It’s because you don’t want to deal with the consequences. I wish I’d gone on that second honeymoon with my lovely wife. Ah, but then you would have had to pay all those bills and perhaps put your job at risk because you took time off. I wish I’d told that handsome fellow that I loved him. Ah, but then you would have risked rejection, perhaps brief, but perhaps humiliating and frequent, depending on who witnessed it. I wish I’d finished my schooling or had kids or things like that. But those things take time, and you make choices each day that determine how you spend your time.

A relationship can be the best thing that ever happened to you, or it could turn out disastrous and ruin a friendship. Starting your own business could be a grand adventure, or you could end up bankrupt, or both. You could have spent hundreds of hours writing your novel that no one would publish. There are a lot of “what if”’s in the world.

There’s a lot of living you could be doing right now, if you just gave it a chance. You will fail, repeatedly, and you will succeed, repeatedly, but you will be living. You will be shaping your Future as you wish it to be. Good luck to you. Tomorrow is a grand adventure.

Living versus Surviving

Every man dies. Not every man really lives. - William Wallace, in Braveheart

I have a friend who’s always full of life, who’s up for anything, and who frequently leaves me feeling energized and upbeat. I have another friend who is full of misery, who doesn’t want to do anything, and who frequently drains my energy whenever we’re together. I’m sure you guys have similar experiences. I’d much rather be with my upbeat friend.

Life is about more than just not dying. That’s mere survival. But a lot of people don’t get that. And then they do get it for a little bit and try to stuff a bunch of life into their weekends, hunting it down in art galleries, truck rallies, and romantic getaways that give you brief memories but typically do nothing to actually help your relationship. You can live all the time, and it’s not an exhausting thing like it may sound. Living life is not exhausting. Pretending to live life is.

You can live on your job. No matter how miserable your job is, you can be alive in your heart. You can feel your breath enter your body and leave it again having sustained you for another while longer. You can feel your pulse attesting to your living nature. You can feel the love of the Deities within you, for it is always within you, no matter what is happening outside of you.

You can live at night while you’re resting from your job. It’s a little harder with the TV, but some things are very funny, and laughter is living. So’s sitting back and resting your eyes, feeling your muscles unwind from their day. So are a lot of other things.

Life does not have to be intense to be enjoyed. It just seems that way because you aren’t living the rest of the week and need to pack it all in at once. But, you can live, and you can enjoy, all the time. May there be more than just surviving in your Future.

The Challenge and My Job

I’m dissatisfied with my job. It’s an okay job with really good benefits and a decent salary, but it’s boring. I am typing this at my job because I ran out of work over an hour ago, and that’s after I took a day off during the middle of fiscal year end. I’d be surprised if they fired me, because I’m not the last hired, but I wouldn’t be shocked. The most surprising part would be that they finally realized that I have this much free time. I’ve told them. I’m not keeping it a secret or anything, and I’ve asked, practically begged, for more work to do, but there isn’t any. So, I sit at my desk, waiting for someone to need something from me. It’s been wearing on my work ethics and my morale.

I’d like something that’s more challenging, something that uses my talents, something that makes me go to work with a smile on my face. And I’ve wanted this for some time. I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to figure out what I should do next, because I’ve been jumping to and from jobs like this for over a decade now. I have no expectation that the next job will be anything different unless I figure out what it is I want. So, no jumping until I figure it out.

But, I was still trying frantically to figure it out. I was reading job books like mad, looking online at job databases, taking quizzes and questionnaires, and none of it made any difference because I was too busy hopping to the next source of information to bother really taking a look at the options I had already uncovered.

Since I’m not going to make any decisions for 6 months about my job, unless the perfect job falls into my lap, then I don’t need to get books or search databases or take quizzes. I can sit back and breathe for a while. And I can research the options that I’ve already uncovered without the pressing “how soon can I do this”, but instead with the more relaxed “does this sound perfect for me?” Because if it’s not perfect, then I don’t have to worry about it. I can simply enjoy gaining more knowledge, and maybe figure it out anyway.

Living Wicca

Living Wicca: A Further Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham is worth reading if you’re Wiccan. If you’re not, skip it. I don’t agree with everything he says, but as he says, take what you want and leave the rest. He goes much further into depth on how to be a solitary practitioner of Wicca than he did in his previous book. He includes a section on how to define your own tradition, giving guidelines on what you should think about when creating a tradition that you may be able to teach others some day. It certainly gave me plenty to think about. How do I see the Deities? How are the Goddess and the God different? What do I believe their place is in human life? It also has an extensive bibliography in back with comments on what he recommends and what simply is out there.

The Challenge and Dating

Before the challenge, I had been looking for dates and for friends. Every dating-eligible person I met I assessed first as a potential date, and then I would look at them as a friend. This doesn’t get you a whole lot of friends.

It’s also exhausting, and it causes your outlook to skew a bit on life. Looks and actions are analyzed and frequently over analyzed in the context of “how did he mean that?” Things that are meant in a perfectly friendly manner are taken in the wrong way, in hopes that this person is “the one” or, for us polyamorous types, “another match”.

But it doesn’t work that way, and I have been amazed at how much I’d been doing that, looking, hunting, searching, instead of living and enjoying the friendships I have. I still do it now and again, but I’ve caught myself and taken a real look. It’s much more relaxing to simply enjoy someone’s company than analyzing them.

The Challenge and House Hunting

I’ve been looking for a house. I’ve always wanted a house of my own. Not a condo or a duplex, but a house with a small bit of land that is mine and no neighbors touching my walls. I started looking for houses shortly after I left my last living situation. I’m still looking, but with the challenge, there’s a twist. In America this year, you get a tax break if you buy a home before December 1, with certain restrictions. Add to that my desire for new, new, new, without appreciating the current, and I was looking with more vigor than I was sure I wanted to. But, with the challenge and its caveat, I’ve changed my attitude.

I’m still looking, but if it’s not right, that’s just fine. I don’t have to find something in time for the tax break. I don’t have to scrutinize and worry about every listing the realtor sends me. If I find the perfect house (the X in this case), great. I’ll try to buy it. But if I don’t, that’s fine, too. I’m getting a great education out of it. I’m learning a lot about what kind of house I’m looking for, what I’d be willing to accept in a home in terms of improvements I’d have to make in order to get it right for me, and what I really feel good about financially. Since the challenge, my attitude has shifted from hunting for a home to enjoying the learning experience. Fortunately for me, my realtor is fine with that, and she enjoys showing homes, even if I don’t buy just yet.

Buying the home became less important, so looking for a home became more enjoyable.

How about you? Is there anything in your life where the importance of the goal is making the journey painful or unpleasant? I like it best when both the goal and the journey can be enjoyed. In my Future, I’m going to have more journeys.

The 6 Month Challenge

It’s been less than 2 weeks since I decided to take up this challenge, and already my perspective is shifting. So many things that had been interesting before are not interesting now. Because I’m not spending a ton of energy on spinning my wheels or my head, I am fidgety a lot more often, having “nothing” to do. There is plenty I could do, without it making a change to my life. I’ve thought of several that are actually appealing. But the main focus of this challenge is to relax and give myself a chance to rest. That doesn’t mean I can’t multitask.

One thing I’m thinking about doing is clearing out some old projects. I have a blanket that I’ve been crocheting (allegedly) for several years now. Sure, I’ve got plenty of excuses, but it’s been sitting in various spots in my various homes, not getting done. Well, if I’m not going to introduce something new in my life, how about taking care of something old? I have about half a shelf of books that I mean to read but haven’t gotten to. I have a few novels I’ve written that could do with another re-drafting, rather than writing yet another new one. Cleaning up these bits of stuck energy will give me more time and space for other things once I am ready to introduce more new things in my life.

Another thing I’m going to do is not worry about my exercise routine. The week before I took up the challenge, I just started a new exercise routine. It isn’t optimal. It’s not ideal, and it’s much too young for me to notice whether or not it’s doing any good yet. But, I’m not going to worry about it, and I’m not going to berate myself about it. This is what it is for the next six months, and that’s that. I’m going to apply the same thinking to my home decorating, with (again) the decision I made shortly before taking the challenge. I had a major life change recently, and as a result, I’d like to make severe alterations to my décor, but I’m just going to chill, let myself work through the turbulent emotions, and see what I come out with on the other side.

Another thing I’m going to do is enjoy my job and its benefits and not worry about fulfilling my destiny just yet. At the same time, I’m going to take that list of 20+ career ideas that I’ve made and actually do some research on them. Before, I was so busy looking for the right thing and trying to find something that sounded good, that I was too busy to actually take a realistic look at these ideas and see whether the substance of the job was as pretty as the package.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still working on my Future. I’m not stopping anything I’ve got going that’s beneficial to me and my Future. I’m still writing. I’m still taking care of my health. I’m still improving my relationships with my friends and family. I’m still doing all kinds of things. But, I’m now working on those things I’m doing rather than juggling too many things at the same time.

Of course, this is two weeks in. In another month, I could be going stir crazy. But, if so, I’ll take care of that then.

If you decide to try this yourself, if you’ve just come out the other side of a whirlwind of change, I advise you to add in the caveat that my friend did. If the perfect X drops in your lap, go ahead and take it. Don’t go looking for it, but if it’s offered up to you on a silver platter, then grab it.

Good luck to you, and good luck to me.

Challenge

I've been challenged to make no important changes in my life for 6 months. It's an interesting thought. More on that in coming posts.

The Tao of Pooh

The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff is well worth the read. If you’re a fan of Taoism or of Winnie the Pooh, or preferably both, then you should read this book. The author believes that Winnie the Pooh is the greatest Western Taoist and sets about proving it with examples from the book and from Taoist writings. For people who don’t know much about Taoism, it’s a good primer, told in a way that most people who grew up in America would be able to relate to.

Making a Change

Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. - Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 (1953)

There are a lot of answers to the question “What is the meaning of life?” This quote believes that the meaning of life is to make a change in the world. If so, too many people lead meaningless lives. Have you made a change in the world? A lasting change? Is that change something you can be proud of? Something you would be willing to admit to, brag about even? Your life has made a difference, no matter how small, in the world. You convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. You consume and excrete. You have or may have had a job that didn’t go to someone else, lived in an apartment that someone else didn’t live in at the same time. Somehow, you made a small change in this world, but is it enough for you? And is it in the way that you’d want to be remembered? Do you want to knock on the gates of heaven (or wherever you believe you’ll go after death) and say, the converter of oxygen is here for admittance. What do you want to be able to say?

When you figure that out, you’ve made a tremendous step into figuring out your Future.

A Dollar Down

The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. - Mad Magazine

How easy are those weekly payments? How easy are they when you have a dozen of them at the same time? Don’t laugh, that’s not as far fetched as you think. Really think about what’s in your life that you’re paying off. But, most things are monthly rather than weekly now. Let’s take a look.

Do you own your home? Do you have a mortgage? That’s one. And don’t forget mortgage insurance, if you have it. Property tax doesn’t count for this, because that won’t go away, like utilities. We’re thinking about the stuff you’re paying off.

How many credit cards to you own? One? Three? Five? More? All of those need monthly payments, unless you have a zero balance on them. Odds are likely, though, at least for Americans, that if you have a credit card, you probably have a balance on them.

Then there’s cars. How many do you have? Is it paid off? Are they paid off? Do you have a motorcycle? A boat? Count each of those, as well.

Then there’s the television. Did you buy that on a payment plan? Or is that one of the things on the credit card? How about your appliances – your washer and dryer, your refrigerator?

A lot of people have plenty of things that they’re paying off at the same time because each individual thing is easy, so adding just a “little more” debt and paying out just a “little more” money each month is easy. But it adds up. It all adds up.

And it’s not just money. And it’s not all bad. One more soda a day adds up to a lot of calories. One more sit up a day adds up to better stomach muscles. One more drink adds up to a higher tolerance which leads to a slippery slope that’s hard to control. One more night spent in adds up to that much more money saved.

Little things add up. You don’t have to make drastic changes in your life in order to get your life to change. You are in control of your life, or at the very least a part of it. Use that control to make your life what you want rather than what is easy.

Character and Decisions

Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision after the emotion of making that decision has passed. - Hyrum W. Smith

How many of you have made a New Year’s Resolution? How many of you have kept all of them? They “get” hard. Not really, though. The decision is just as hard on February 18 as it was on January 2, but a lot of people have stopped doing (or not doing) X by that time, because it “got hard”. What really happened is that your persistence ran out.

Unless you were in an accident or had surgery or some other major health alteration, it’s just as easy to do 20 sit ups on January 2 as it is on February 18. It feels harder, though. People like to make decisions, but following through on them is another thing altogether. That’s where character and persistence come in.

There are a lot of things that make up your character. One of the big ones is keeping your word. If you are known, rightfully so, as a person who does not keep his or her word, then your character is shot, along with your reputation. And do not even try to get away with “no one will know”. You’ll know, and your opinion of yourself and your character is important. If you lie to yourself repeatedly, then you will not see yourself as trustworthy, and others will pick up on that, whether they know about your broken promises or not.

However, don’t forget that word “worthy” in the quote. If you decide that you’re going to exercise for an hour every morning before work, and something happens that you can no longer keep that decision, let yourself off the hook. If your job changes, or your car breaks down and you have to commute a different way, or your health alters, or you start working later for an important project and can’t get to sleep on time for now, these are good and legitimate reasons for not being able to exercise an entire hour every morning. If you just don’t feel like it, or if your favorite TV show is now on later so you “have” to stay up later, or if it’s too rainy or foggy or cold or nice out for you to exercise, these aren’t good excuses. But, if you are not going to keep your decision any way, then decide to do that. Don’t just let your promise to yourself or to another linger and lapse. Grab your character, dust it off, and state that you are not going to keep that decision any longer.

Promises are harder to keep than they are to make. Decisions are harder to abide by than they are to make. First, only make those that you can and that you intend to keep. Then, keep them or stop them, if you can’t. As your character improves, your self esteem will improve, and you will feel more powerful. And that will improve your Future.

Simplify Your Work Life

Simplify Your Work Life: Ways to Change the Way You Work So You Have More Time to Live by Elaine St. James is well worth reading. It’s short but highly effective. The author puts in a lot of information in a very small book. It’s also easy to read – no long words, no page-long paragraphs, no convoluted sentence structures. It’s straightforward and has great advice.

Complaining

Every one must see daily instances of people who complain from a mere habit of complaining. - Richard Graves, Olla Podrida 6 October 1787

I hate whiners. I dislike negative people in general, but whiners and complainers, they’re some of the worst. Even when their life is relatively decent, they will have something to complain about, because complaining and dissatisfaction are at the center of their lives. They are dissatisfied with themselves and thus cannot be satisfied with anything else. They are annoying to listen to, because they typically cannot let you talk about anything, much less about anything positive.

Listen to yourself, and see how much you complain. I just complained for an entire paragraph right above this. But, I’ll let that go. If it comes up in conversation another time, I may mention it again. In fact, I probably will. But I’m not going to create an entire conversation complaining about complainers. Instead, let’s talk about what you (and I) can do to reduce the amount of complaining in the world.

How much do you complain? A lot of your complaints may be legitimate. If so, then express them where they need to be expressed and move on. Tell your neighbor the stereo is too loud, tell your boss that the hours are unreasonable, and tell your roommate that the kitchen is no place for dirty socks. And then let it drop. Do not go out with your friends and tell all of them about your neighbor, your boss, and your roommate. What are they going to do other than give you sympathy and attention? You can get attention in other ways, more positive ways.

Some of your complaints may be useless. Any complaint about the weather is useless. No one can do anything about it. Observation about the weather, sure. Want to start up some conversation with a random stranger at the bus stop or in the elevator? Talk about the weather. But, complaining about the weather to your friends and family? Don’t you have anything else to talk about? And if not, then why do you bother with them? Find a movie to watch or a game to play or something else that will occupy your time so you don’t have to speak.

And with some people, complaining is what you do, because that’s what the two of you do when you’re together. Do you really need a friend like that? You can get other friends. What if the two of you got together and didn’t complain? What if you talked about the good things that happened to you that week? What if you just expressed some thanks for being alive? Could you do that? Could your friend?

Complaining can be a habit, which means it can be broken. You don’t need negativity in your life. Your life and your Future are better off without it.

Difficulties

I am having continued difficulties posting since upgrading Internet Explorer. Several book reviews were already scheduled, so they will post as normal, but regular posts will be sporadic until I get this figured out.

Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christiane Northrup is an excellent book. I highly recommend it to any women, but especially to women who believe in alternative therapies and healing. She mentions a healing intuitive a few times. If that’s not your thing, then skip those parts and read the rest. She is a doctor, and the biological information alone is worth checking out. However, the advice on diet, health, and other parts of a woman’s life is very much worth the read.

Pessimism

If we can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we do not know enough to be pessimistic. - Hazel Henderson

According to this quote, pessimism is rather egotistical. You believe that there will be a particular outcome, something in the future is set in stone. But you can’t know that. You may be right. There may be things that happen just as you thought they would, but you aren’t right 100% of the time. “The country is going to hell in a handbasket.” Really? Are you sure? We have survived a great deal throughout our history, and we can survive this. “Morality is going downhill.” Perhaps, perhaps not. There are still many people helping others. Mainstream media certain has more swearing and nudity than it used to, but does that mean that we as a society are less moral than we were 50 years ago? And whose morals are we talking about? Yours? Why do you get to judge the entire country?

Pessimism means that you believe you know, that you out of everybody on this planet have knowledge of the future. Not just that, not only do you have knowledge, but you have the right to judge that future as bad. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t. You have your rights to have opinions on things, but you don’t get to judge the future or me or anyone else. You simply don’t know. So why not hope for the best? It costs the same amount of energy, and it certainly makes life more fun.

Be the Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi

This quote has been on numerous posters and bumper stickers, so it’s probably familiar to people who read this blog. It’s still valid, no matter how many times or in how many places you’ve seen it. People who complain about things but do nothing to make changes are negative for no reason, and they should have no place in your life. You deserve better than negativity. People who make changes in the world are worth knowing. Some people go overboard and recruit everyone they can get their hands on for their cause. There are many worthwhile causes. Don’t let them drag into something that doesn’t meet your personal goals or would take more time than you can afford.

What if you don’t have time for anything? What if you’re booked solid for your entire life? First, declutter your life. Check out flylady or numerous other places and sources for decluttering advice. Second, check out your priorities. If you are placing a high priority on something about which you’re doing nothing, you’re either lying to yourself about its importance, or you’re not living your life in congruence to your beliefs. Neither of those things will help you get what you truly want out of life.

You don’t have to make huge changes in order to begin or to make a change. You want the world to be a cleaner place? Recycle a little more. Pick up a little trash you see in the park. Clean up your own messes. If everyone did that, the world would be so much cleaner. You want to see more money donated to worthy causes? Donate a dollar a week – figure out what you can do without, something little. Talk about worthy causes with friends and coworkers, see what they think about different charities; bring it to their attention. See if your employer has a matching program; if you make a donation, will they make one of the same amount. You want to see more love in the world? Be more loving. Give more hugs. Give more praise, but only if its sincere. Smile more often, and complain and criticize less.

You can make small changes that add up to big changes, when you keep doing them. You can be that change you want to see in the world.

The Bisexual Spouse

I was going to read this and do a book review on it, but I had to put it down after starting the third chapter. I was going to throw it down after the introduction, but I decided to give it a fair shot and read five chapters. No. I have better things to do with my life than to read this piece of garbage. I don't know where I got the recommendation from, but I wish I hadn't picked this up.

Short version of why I think this book sucks - the "bisexuals" in the interviews aren't bisexual. They are homosexuals who had heterosexual marriages for a while. That's the author's definition of bisexual - gays who thought they were straight but then came out as gay.

This upsets me, ticks me off, to use more "polite" language. I'd rather not swear in my blog, but this really gets to me.

I am bisexual. I am not gay. I am not straight. To declare that all bisexuals are really one or the other who dabbled or were mistaken is insulting to an extreme. I am attracted to women. I am attracted to men. I am also attracted to different physical aspects in men versus women. I like my women to be curvy and soft. I like my men to be fit and solid. A woman can be soft and solid, curvy and fit. So can a man. But, I am not attracted to androgynous people, or rather not just, because the physical has never been my main attraction to people. I am in no way monosexual. I am bisexual, and to be told that I don't exist or that I don't know myself as well as this author does is condescending and extremely upsetting.

There are times when a person is too close to something to see it clearly. We've all had friends (or been that friend) who ends up in the same situation over and over again, though we think it's a completely different thing each time. Our friends see it, but we don't. This is not one of those things. I've done a lot of thinking about this. I've done over two decades of thinking about this. I've gone through all kinds of labels and "what if"'s and things like that. I know what I am, and I know who I am. This author can go stuff himself.

Another thing that ticks me off about this is that other people will read this and think that the author is correct, that that is the real definition of bisexual. I have an ex-boyfriend who thought that way. There is enough derision and societal pressure about being bisexual without this spreading it around.

So, whoever recommended this book, please stop. And for anyone who was thinking about reading this book, don't. Not if you're looking for something about bisexuals. If you want to read about homosexuals who married people of the opposite gender, this is for you. But it sure isn't what it claims to be.

What You Want

"I want what I can't have." Are you sure?

You've run into this situation. I know I have. Multiple times. There's a great guy (or gal or job or whatever). He's great - smart, funny, energetic, or whatever it is that makes you tingle. But he's unavailable. He's married or dating or your best friend's ex or has an incredibly annoying habit that you can't live with or lives in another state or whatever it is. Because of X, you cannot have him. So, you can't have what you want, right? Wrong.

You want someone who's smart, someone who's funny, someone who's energetic. You can have it. You don't need him. You can get what you want in a different package. He is not the only smart, funny, energetic person out there.

Likewise, there's more than one great job, more than one place to live, more than one solution to your problem. But when you're focused on X, you don't see the rest of the alphabet. So take a closer look at X. What is it about X that you really want? How else can you get it? Hershey kisses aren't the only way to get chocolate. A Snickers bar works too.

You can have what you want provided you're more concerned with the substance than the packaging.

Change

Things change. People change. You change. And what worked for you five years ago may not work for you now. It's not a matter of being dissatisfied or about being never satisfied, despite what some people may say. It's about being a dynamic, growing, changing being. You, your body, your beliefs, your life - they are all always changing. Some things will never change, but there will always be something.

So what do you do? Do you ignore change? Do you actively fight against it? Do you insist that things are or remain exactly the same as five years ago? That won't help you. People are born. People die. People get new jobs. People retire. Laws change. Wars start. Wars end. Things change, and you cannot change that.

You adapt. You adjust what needs to be. You see the new situation and life, and you turn it to your advantage as best you can. You can always change your thoughts and your attitudes. No matter what change life/fate/the outside world forces upon you, you still have a choice.

Choose your Future, over and over again.

What If?

What if life was infinitely precious? What if the choices you make today affect not only your own future but those of others? What if you were more important than you could possibly know? What if fewer people are looking at you, judging you, than you think? What if someone found something to admire in you, every day, even on your worst day? What if? Then what?

Change Can Be Scary

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. - Anatole France

We are constantly changing people, mostly. There are some people who have stubbornly insisted on remaining the same day after day, year after year. But most of us grow and change. We aren’t the same people we were a decade ago, and acknowledging that can be a scary thing. One of the worst accusations a friend can make is “You’re changed”. You may try to deny it, but it’s probably true, even without you thinking about it.

It’s the unconscious changes that are the scariest, in my opinion, once you realize them, that is. So long they remain unknown, then how can you be scared? But once you’ve woken up to the fact that your life and your actions are now what you would have expected from who you were “back then”, the change is scary. “How did this happen?” “When did this happen?” “Why did this happen?” Why? Because you weren’t changing intentionally, so you changed as life wanted to shape you.

You’re going to change. It’s inevitable. You can spend a ton of time and energy in never changing, and that’s you’re choice, but things will just change around you instead. The question is, are you going to direct your change, manage it, make certain that you come out on the other side where you want to be? Or are you just going to let the winds of fate take you?

The second choice isn’t so bad, so long as you have enough inner strength to withstand the bad times, but most people who resign themselves to fate do so because they lack the inner strength to bother taking control of their own lives. Either option can be taken to extremes, of course. But are you now where you want to be? And if not, what are you going to do about it?

What’s scarier to you – the effort of making a change where you don’t know the outcome, or the thought of you being exactly like you are 5 or 10 years from now? Change can be scary, but being out of control of yourself can be scarier still.

The Point

I would rather work with five people who really believe in what they are doing rather than five hundred who can't see the point. - Patrick Dixon in Building a Better Business

Ability, efficiency, and passion. Those three things can make something work. It’s tough to get by with only two of them, but of the three, passion may be the most important. When you’re missing passion, no amount of ability or efficiency will get you it. If you’ve got passion, though, you’ll get the ability and efficiency, if you have to, because it’s important to you to do so. This is true in many, many places. Who’s going to practice football plays for hours on end? The one with the ability or the one with the passion? Who’s going to spend their nights learning and relearning business strategies? The one who’s efficient or the one who’s passionate? Ability can be learned. Innate talent cannot, but ability can be. Efficiency can be learned, usually at a high cost if you’re not careful, but it can be learned. Passion cannot be learned.

If you can’t see the point in what you’re doing, do something else. In my opinion, a Future without passion about something, isn’t worth living.

Starting Place

To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are. - Eric Hoffer

When someone asks you for directions, what’s the first thing you need to know? Where they are. Unless you know where they are, how can you tell them how to get someplace else? You can do vague things like “take this highway south”, but if you don’t know if they’re anywhere near the highway, that doesn’t help. If they’re in Alaska, and you’re in New York, you’re going to tell them different things than if they were in Florida. You need a starting point.

And when you create your Future, you need a starting point, too. If you want to build your Future on today, which is the only way you can build something lasting, you have to know what kind of foundation you’ve got. The way to do that is to know about your life and about yourself. Do you really want X, or is that something you’re going for to please someone else? How important is money to you, really? Any answer is acceptable, so long as it’s the truth. If money is very important to you, then don’t take a job that pays you very little. If money is not important to you, then don’t take the good-paying job that sucks your soul out of your body 60 hours a week. How healthy are you? Can you handle a high stress job? Do you need to move somewhere for your health, or will you in a few years? If you’re going to need to move, starting a business in your current location isn’t such a good idea. Then there’s the people aspect. If you can’t stand Dave, don’t go into business with him, no matter what kind of excellent ideas he has. And definitely don’t date him, even if he “looks good on paper”. Do you dream of going to Tibet for a year? What are you doing about it now? What can you do about it now? How are you arranging your life so that you can accomplish it? You can’t rearrange your life until you know all the pieces, or at the very least some of the pieces, and yet people do it constantly. They want something different, but they don’t realize what they’ve already got.

Before you go changing, find out what is true about you and your Life right now. It’s the best way to create your Future.

Birds of a Feather

Odd, I know, a Wiccan quoting the bible, but I’m not as rabidly anti-Christian as some of my other pagan friends are. Besides, there’s some good advice in there. It’s really the poor way a lot of people interpret things that make live such an “adventure”.

Who you spend your time with says not only a lot about who you are, but also a lot about who you will be. The people we’re around have a lot more influence on us than most people want to believe. Even if you don’t start taking on some of their traits, fighting against following the herd can be exhausting. Also, if you hang around fools, you don’t learn nearly as much as you can from wise people or even mediocre people. Except perhaps negative examples, but you can get enough of those from the media.

You don’t have to hang around smart people in order to be smart, but it can help. You don’t have to hang around wise people in order to be wise, but it can help. Wise people can act foolish at times or at least play the fool when they want, but it’s harder to for a fool to pretend to be wise. Wise people and smart people do not have to be stuffy, and if you’re hanging around stuffy people, perhaps you should find some other wise and smart people to be around.

A lot of life is trial and error. A lot of life is learned by example. Your friends will provide you with examples and with opportunities for trial and error. Choose your friends so what you get is what you want out of life and your Future.

What Are You Made Of?

When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of. - H. Jackson Brown Jr

There is a thick veneer or layer of polite/acceptable society that covers the majority of Americans’ personalities. Do you really tell your boss what you think? Do you go up to the woman with three pounds of make up and let her know that it doesn’t make her look alluring, just cheap? Do you fart loudly in a restaurant just because you can? For a lot of you, the answer is no for all of those. But how many of you would like to?

When you’re drunk, tired, angry, or frustrated, the layer of “nice nice” gets thinner to non existent. I don’t drink, but I do stay up way too late, and when I do I get very, very honest. Plenty of my friends get the same way when they are drunk or angry or frustrated. That’s one of the reasons why it’s not “nice” to be drunk, angry, or frustrated.

Sometimes, though, it’s the only way to figure out what you’re really thinking. Societal brainwashing can run deep, and sometimes even you don’t know what you’re really thinking because it’s just rude to think that way, so you refuse to acknowledge it. But, you have to do this with some care.

Don’t get drunk and drive, obviously. Don’t get drunk and start calling your exes, either. That’s just begging for trouble. Don’t take your anger out on your boss or your pets or whatever. Yell, scream, etc., but remember that once you calm down, you’re going to have to deal with the consequences of what you said and did.

I am a big fan of journaling, but doing that when drunk or angry doesn’t work very well, so try a recorder, whether you use a tape recorder or your computer or whatever, you’ll be more able to talk than write when you’re upset or drunk enough to cut through the veneer. It’s enlightening, and I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to see a little bit deeper into their own souls.

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession by Jane R Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter is a good book. These women have worked for years with women who were obsessed with food, their weight, their size, and have figured out a way to help women get past that. Their system is straight forward, though of course not easy. If it was easy, you wouldn’t need a book to do it. The women they quote in their book believe it to be well worth their while. That’s one of the things I like best about the book is the large number of personal examples that they cite. Too many books about women and food and weight are psychoanalytical, dry, and sometimes pompous. This one talks about women on their own level and lets the women’s words speak for themselves.

What You’re Owed

The American dream is, in part, responsible for a great deal of crime and violence because people feel that the country owes them not only a living but a good living. - psychoanalyst David Abrahansen, San Francisco Examiner and Chronicle, November 18, 1975

What are you owed, really, by America? Not a thing, other than what’s dictated by law. You are owed the right to remain silent if you’re arrested. You’re owed freedom of religion. You’re owed the ability to cross a street in a cross walk with the light without getting run over. Other than that, what are you owed?

Are you owed a living? No. Are you owed happiness? Sorry, again no. You’re offered life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but not happiness itself. And you have life, since you’re reading this, unless you’re dead and reading this, in which case contact me, I’d like to talk to you. And if you don’t have liberty, then either the system screwed up or you did. But you’re not owed a living. You’re not owed a great job. You’re not owed the right to do whatever you want at the expense of other people.

And the sooner you realize this, the happier you’ll be. Or, if you refuse to realize it, then work on making the changes necessary so that you are owed it, because it isn’t true now.

Inertia (epilogue)

For me, those are the four main weapons that inertia has in my life – emotional investment, pride, difficulty, and self perception. Inertia may have other weapons in your life, other things that it holds over you as it shapes your life and your Future. You are stronger than inertia and all of its weapons. You don’t have to tackle the biggest beast on the first go. If you want, you can make little changes, combat inertia on the small scale, before going on to the more important issues. What is important, though, is that the choices you make are because you want to make those choices, not because they’re easy, and inertia can make some otherwise-ugly choices look pretty appealing. You deserve the very best you can give yourself, and the very best Future.

Inertia (self-perception)

I don’t like to consider myself an angry person. Anger was an emotion that only my father was allowed to feel, back in my childhood home. I didn’t like what anger did to him, and I did my best throughout my life not to be angry. And if I was angry, I didn’t show it, sometimes not even to myself. But I do get angry, both legitimately and illegitimately. But what does that mean? Who gets to decide legitimate anger? My definition of legitimate anger has expanded quite a bit throughout time. I’ll save that for another post. But still, I don’t like to think of myself as an angry person.

I used to think of myself as someone who could handle anything, someone very much “go with the flow”. What that translated into was “doormat”. I’m working on that one, but I still like to feel that I am an open-minded person with few prejudices. Uh huh. I have prejudices. I don’t like being reminded of them, though.

Journaling is something that’s been suggested to me by professionals, either through mindfulness classes or support groups or books, but it’s not something I keep going for any length of time. I pick it up now and again, but I drop it readily now. Back when I was still fooling myself about how I felt and what I thought, I wrote in my journal on a much more regular basis. But now that I know myself better, now that I’m no longer lying to myself about what does or doesn’t hurt, about whether or not I feel anger, about whether or not something upsets me, I don’t journal very much any more. If I’m going to lie, I may as well write fiction. If I’m going to talk about someone else, I may as well blog. To journal honestly, I’m going to have to take a look at myself, and my self perception might not match with reality.

That’s another of inertia’s weapons – self perception, closely tied into pride. There are dark spots in everyone’s souls that they just don’t want to peer into very closely. For me, journaling shines a light into those spots. For others, it may be something else. Someone might not exercise because doing so would remind him that he isn’t young any more, that he doesn’t have a 20-year-old’s body any longer. Someone might not try out a sculpting or acting class, because she’s brilliant in her own head and doesn’t want the possibility of seeing something else when doing these things in real life. For others, starting something isn’t the problem. Ending something is. If she stops all her volunteer work, she’ll have to stay home more often with her husband, and she doesn’t want to see that that’s not something she wants to do. Inertia works both ways – it’s the continuation of your level of motion, whether that be not at all or way too much.

Inertia (pride and difficulty)

I like to write. I’ve written quite a bit. No, I’ve never been published, but that’s not the point of my writing. I write things I enjoy reading and things I enjoy writing. Some people don’t see the point of that. Why write if you’re not going to get published? Not every hobby has to make money. Some hobbies are their own rewards.

So, why don’t I write more often? It’s not as easy as a computer game. While exercising has an emotional investment, writing involves two other of inertia’s weapons – pride and difficulty. I write in phases. It used to be poems, then it was short stories, now it’s novellas. I’m going to use novellas (mini-novels) as the example, but it works with any kind of writing.

Writing a good novella is not easy. Writing any novella is, but my pride would prefer that I write a good one. It’s simple to do – you put words onto paper. But, doing it well is not that easy. And I want to do it well. One of the reasons I write is so I can go back and reread it later, and who wants to read something that’s written poorly? Especially if it’s something I’ve written myself. I take pride in my ability to write. I’ve been doing it for decades. It’s something I think I’ve gotten pretty good at. I have a large vocabulary. I have a decent knowledge of grammar. (Yes, I know that two sentences ago I ended a sentence with a preposition.) I can construct an okay plot and somewhat realistic characters. But it’s taken a lot of time and practice to get to this point, and my pride insists that I keep getting better. Getting better is difficult. Writing at this level of proficiency would not be hard. Rewriting the sort of things that I’ve already written would not be hard. But, there are new stories to tell, new plots to make, new characters to describe, and new pieces of fiction to complete. And my pride wants me to do it all well, but it’s not an easy thing to do.

Computer games or movies, on the other hand, are easy things to do, and I have little to no investment of my pride in them. That’s why they win too often. I’ve had more experience combating emotional investment and inertia than I have pride. This is a lesson I’m learning again right now.

Inertia (emotional investment)

It takes time and energy to start a new computer game. New rules to learn, time taken to play it, at least a little bit of concentration (at least for the games I enjoy). Some computer games eat up hours a day. So why don’t I take some time out to exercise or write or post on time or whatever?

It’s because of the emotional investment and the immediate gratification in return. I have no emotional investment in a new computer game or a murder mystery or a movie (usually). All I have to give it is time and attention. That’s not that difficult. On top of which, it immediately rewards me with fun and distraction, often laughter. It’s cotton candy, not nutritious, but sweet to eat. Exercise doesn’t give me an immediate rush. It’s work. And my mind is still free to think while I do it. And what does it think about? Well, I’m exercising, which means I’m trying to reshape my body and work off calories, which means my body isn’t right the way it is, which means my body is wrong, which reminds me of all the people who have told me I’m ugly or unattractive or plain just too fat, and why do I want to do something that’s constantly reminding me I’m fat, even if it is something that will cause me to become less fat, more shapely, and healthier? I’ve been on an exercise regimen that I’ve been following very faithfully for the past few years, despite those thoughts (except for the past horrific month). I keep my mind occupied with other things, trying to be “mindful” of my exercising some days, day dreaming about my favorite TV shows others. I still beat myself up on occasion about exercising – I should do it more often, I should use heavier weights, I should, I should, I should, I should, but really, those are mostly voices from my past, from others, and are judging and/or condemning, and I’ve been working for over a decade to disentangle myself from those kinds of voices, and I’m doing pretty well at it. So I do exercise, because the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term negatives, and because I’ve been doing it long enough that I see some results.

Now, I’ve done this in the past. There have been other exercise regimens that I’ve picked up and laid down, usually after a long period of time. So I have personal knowledge that if I keep going with my exercise routine, I would see results. But I had to try and “fail” time and again in order to get that knowledge, in order to have enough of a reason to fight the inertia that would keep me sleeping a little later rather than working out.

Right now, I’m going on about 4 weeks since I last exercised consistently. Tube feeding my cat was much more important than exercising. Taking care of my mourning and (as it turned out) dying second cat was much more important than exercising. Taking time for my own mourning for my two cats was more important, and right now, exercising while I have a bad cold would just exhaust me too much to go to work, which is more important than exercising. But I see the signs that if I don’t start back up again, inertia may decide that I won’t start up again, so it will be soon. While I’m sick, I’ll do just a little, but enough to keep me in the habit of doing something. And then I’ll add it back in slowly but surely. I was able to pick it back up after a long time off after my surgery two years ago. I can pick it back up after a mere month.

Inertia (prelude)

Perhaps I’ve written about this before, perhaps not. But, even if I have, it’s come up again my in own life, one of those lessons you have to learn and learn and learn until you learn it all. I’m not going to say “until you get it right”, because there really is no such thing. I did get it right. I got it right the first time I learned it, right enough to be able to get past the lesson and onto something else. I got it right the second time I learned it. And the third, and the fourth, and the fifth, throughout my life. It’s like math. You learn counting. Then addition. Then subtraction. Then multiplication. And so on and so on. Some people learn calculus. Some don’t. Some people learn quantum physics. Some don’t. I learned my lesson about inertia, and the later I had a new lesson about inertia to learn. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get it right. I do lapse. I do slide backwards, and on occasion I may need a refresher course, but I’m never in the same place as I was back when I got my first lesson. You never really start over. I know I’ve said that before, so I won’t go into that again.

Inertia, the tendency to stay in motion if you are in motion, or to stay still if you are still. It’s also the biggest reason why people stay on their duffs on the couch instead of doing something new that’s good for them. I could fill up a blog, much less a blog post, about all the things I know would be good for me to do but I just ain’t doing them. I’m there right now. I’ve been there for quite a while, but the recent deaths and now this cold I’ve got have put it into perspective for me. Illness has a tendency to do that for me, because I don’t feel like doing any of my normal distractions – going out with friends, computer games, reading. Because I’m not as distracted, my mind actually has time to bring forth those thoughts that have been sitting patiently in the back of my head, and a lot of them are about what I could do that would make my life a greater pleasure to live. It’s time again to take a few out from the “back room” of my mind, dust them off, and add them to my life. Each time I do, they stick for a while. Some stay for a very long time. It makes my life better when I do, but inertia causes me to stay put. Why? Well, let me think…
(to be continued)

Crisis and the Meaning of Life

I said in “Define Living” that a crisis is a lousy time to start thinking about the meaning of life. It’s a great time to think about the meaning of life, but a lousy time to start thinking about it.

A crisis is almost defined by having a good reason to panic. If there is not a good reason to panic, then it isn’t much of a crisis. Not to say that you would panic. After all, that wouldn’t do you any good. But since there is a reason to panic, you will probably be mentally distracted. Not to mention that you still have to deal with whatever caused the crisis in the first place. In short, you have a lot going on and a lot to think about.

It’s better to have some money saved up prior to needing to replace your car. It’s better to have a first aid kit on hand prior to slicing open your finger with a kitchen knife. It’s better to have a spare tire in your trunk prior to getting a flat. And it’s better to think about the meaning of life prior to having your world shaken. Having a definition of living can be a rock for you in times of trouble, even if that definition changes. It’s something you can hang on to for a while, like some people’s faith or friendships or family. It can help you weather the storm. Have just a start so that your mind has a touchstone when it starts wondering “Why me? Why is this happening?” It can help.

Mid Life Crisis

In “Action Verb”, I talked about people hitting a mid life crisis and continuing to be brain dead. Too many people hit a certain age and realize that they aren’t “living” by their definition. The unfortunate thing is that they don’t really have a definition of “living”. They just don’t feel alive. However, they don’t know what their definition of “living” is, and they don’t want to bother with all that introspective crap when they’re in the middle of a crisis. Instead, they go the two major sources of “living” definitions that there are for people like that – the media and their youth.

The media is constantly bombarding us with images and messages saying that if we did this, bought that, used this, we’d have amazing and fun filled lives. If only we had a red convertible, we’d get the gorgeous blond, too. If only we used this deodorant, we’d have people flocking to us in the bars. If only we got a hair cut and manicure and new wardrobe, we’d be married in no time. And we want the excitement of new things and of dreams fulfilled, even if they’re only fantasies and not really plans for our Future. So, we fall into the trap. But it doesn’t work, because it’s still someone else’s definition of living. But, like a drug, people don’t realize that it’s not working. They think they just don’t have enough of it. So they take trips or get a second car or find a hot young lover that is willing to help us throw away our money. The media has a definition of living that works for only some people. If you buy into their definition without seeing if it works for you, you’ll be no better off than you were two years ago.

People also think back to the last time they felt alive, and for many that was in their late teens and early twenties. So, they try to “recapture their youth” without thinking about whether or not that is still appropriate for them at their present place in life. Getting drunk every night or staying out until 6 am may have been a lot of fun for you then, but things are different for you now. You don’t live with six other people in a run down place with the nice drug dealer next door. You don’t have the job in the copier store or the fast food joint where you go into work at 2 in the afternoon. You also don’t have the same metabolism as you used to or as low of a balance on your credit card. Or any other of a dozen differences between your life at 20 and your life at 40. Living is different for a person throughout your life, and while it is a pain in the butt to have to redefine it now and again, repairing the damage done from your midlife crisis will be a bigger pain in the butt if you don’t.

Don’t ruin your Future by insisting on dragging your past with you.

Define Living

How do you define living? Have you ever defined living? A lot of the most radical people have defined it. Some of the most radical people haven’t and are merely reacting. Reacting is an action verb, like living, but it isn’t quite living. So what is living?

You put some people in a 40-hour-a-week desk job, and they will thrive. Some will trudge along sullenly. Some will outright rebel. For some people, that is part of the definition of living. For some it is part of the definition of death. My definition of living includes walks outdoors and reading. And friends. Most definitely friends. Yours may not. But if my definition and your definition are different, then how do you know if you’re living? That’s kinda my point. Or rather, that’s almost exactly my point.

You have to figure out what living means to you, preferably before a crisis, because a crisis is a really lousy time to start thinking about the meaning of life. People can get a little crazy around a crisis, and we shouldn’t all get crazy at the same time. What is necessary for your life? Is it comfort? Creativity? Novelty? Friends? Solitude? Security? Risk? Family? What makes you feel alive inside? What makes your eyes dance and your breathing easy and free? Figure out what makes you alive rather than merely surviving, and bring more of it into your Future. Create a Living Future, for you deserve that.

Another Death

Two weeks after I put down my female cat, I had to put down my male cat. He also had a mass in his abdomen, but one of a different type. Putting him down was both easier and harder than putting down her. It was easier because I had already made the choice once wit a previous pet and because I had heard him screaming in pain, while with her, she was the first pet for whom I’d ever had to make that decision and she sulked a lot and didn’t display her pain as vividly. It was harder because I loved him more. She was my pet, and I loved her, but he was my baby boy and always will be. They’re better off now, and I’m not, but that’s sometimes what you have to do. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself, and sometimes you have to take care of others. As much as I wanted to keep them around, doing so would be cruel.

Loving

So, how do you love someone? In that famous poem that a whole lot of high school students know the first and second lines to, and a sprinkling of others know the rest, the poet talked about the expanse of her emotions, but not about what she does that is the verb “love”. Love is a verb as well as an emotion, and it’s the verb I’m talking about today.

I loved my husband when I stayed up late to take him to work, even though I ended up dog tired at my own job the next day. I love my parents when I write them every month, even if I don’t have anything to say, other than “love you”. I love my friends when I invite them over to my place to hang out and play games and talk. I love my cats when I take care of them, feeding them, giving them medicine, doing my damnedest to make her well again, and letting her go when I needed to. I love myself when I set up exercise routines and clean the house so that it’s healthy for me, and when I am very gentle with myself during the rough times and let those things slide for a little while.

I have been loved by my friends who drove me to the vet and stayed with me when my cat died. I have been loved by my brother and sister-in-law when they invited me over for my first Christmas alone. I have been loved by my parents when they told me sincerely that I could always live with them for a while or a long time if that’s what I needed. I have been loved by pets throughout my life, by lovers and a husband, and by many friends both here and gone by their actions and their words and their presence.

Love yourself with your emotions, your thoughts, and most importantly your actions. Practice on others if you have to first. Practice on yourself if you have to first. But create more loving actions in your life, and your Future will be more loving in both feelings and deeds.