Read For Your Life

Read for Your Life: 11 Ways to Transform Your Life with Books by Pat Williams with Peggy Matthews Rose is a passionate look at reading, why it’s important, and what to do about the lack of it in today’s America. If you don’t love reading, this book may change your mind. If you do love reading, this book will strike a chord with you.

The first couple of chapters drag a bit as it discusses the statistics of illiteracy. It tries very hard to make the case that there is too much illiteracy in America and that we should do something about it. The rest of the book is dedicated more to reading – improving your own, inspiring others to do so, what to read, how to read, and many other things. It really is a very well written book, other than the dragging problem. But, even the dragging wasn’t quite enough to turn me off to the book entirely. Trust me, if you start to read this book, continue. It is worth it.

October Appreciation Day

This month, I sent positive feedback to two fan-fiction writers that I enjoy. I sometimes go through droughts where I don't find the sort of fiction that I really enjoy reading, but those two provided it, and I wanted to let them know.

What Do You Think About?

You become what you think about. – Earl Nightingale

If believe that it’s hopeless, it is. If you believe it’s impossible, it is. For you. Perhaps not for me. Or for your sister. Or for your coworker, or perhaps former coworker who has started her own business even though you were sure it’d fail. After all, you had the idea a year before she did, and it didn’t work for you. If you insist on believing that things are impossible, that’s fine for you, but I don’t want you in my life. You’re negative and annoying and generally self-centered. At least all of the “impossible”-ists that I know are annoyingly self-centered.

Another side to this is that when you think about something often enough, you start to make it happen. You worry about divorce, and you start looking for signs where there weren’t any. You worry about losing your job, and you are suddenly too worried to have enough energy to do your job properly. On the other hand, you think that you’ll get a steady relationship with a decent person, and your confidence will shine through and you will stop focusing on the losers. You think you’ll be successful in your job, and you start acting like you are. And if you don’t become successful in that job, you realize you are at least very good at your job and deserve better, finding a job where you can be successful. Self-fulfilling prophecies do happen.

Another side to this is what you read, watch, and talk about. If you talk about doom and gloom constantly, watch nothing but the news on the “all death” station, and read people predicting that the country will fall any moment now, you’re not going to do really well. All your energy’s going to be tied up in the awfulness of the here and now, whether that’s real or not. The greatest activists don’t say, “This is wrong!” and then shut up. The greatest activists say, “This is wrong, and here’s how it could be better!” They focus on the “how it could be better” part, bringing that into being. They see reality, see the changes that can be made, see the future as it could be, and then bring it about.

Take a look at your thoughts, your reading material, your viewing choices, and see what is in your mind and see your Future. What you put into your head is in part what will come out and shape you and your Future. Make good choices.

Impossible For Now

I thought it was impossible too before I did it. - Lance Armstrong

I heard the story about the four minute mile a while ago. Sports enthusiasts, forgive me if I get this a little wrong. For a long time, it was believed that humans could not run a four minute mile. It was just physically impossible. We weren’t built for that kind of speed for that long of a distance. All the experts believed that. This went on for years. Then a guy did it. Within the next year, so did several others. What changed? It suddenly became possible in the person’s mind. That’s the only difference. It was a change of thought. Humans didn’t suddenly evolve into speedier beings. Physically, we were just the same as the previous year. Only our thinking changed. And because our thinking changed, our possibilities changed.

Your possibilities can change. Believe they can, and they will.

What We’re Capable Of

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems. - Mahatma Gandhi

This quote makes me feel a lot of things – sad, mad, guilty, kicked in the butt. Right now, at this very moment, I am most certainly not doing everything I can. Heck, I’m not even doing everything I want. Of the seven deadly sins, mine right now is sloth. What could I do if I did what I could? What heights could I achieve if I did what I wanted to succeed and create and affect the world, rather than playing games and watching old TV shows? The number of books I could read, the number of books I could write, how soon I could pay off my car loan, how fat I could make my bank account, how many works of art I could create that are swirling around in my brain but just haven’t quite yet made it onto paper. It’s stunning. It really is stunning. And I’m a little afraid of it all. I’m wrapped up all cozy and warm in my comfort zone. Heck, I have a little hidey hole under my stairs where I keep my computer and phone. What more do I need? It’s frightening to think of doing this for the next five years, and it’s frightening to think of where and what I could be if I shook off the chains of sloth and became truly me. What could I be?

Part of me says, “Oh, you won’t be doing this for five years. You’ll snap out of it and start being you again.” Then I think about where I was five years ago. My computer and TV weren’t under the stairs, but they were in a cave-like atmosphere that I rarely left without prompting. I’m really not that far from where I was five years ago when it comes to that. And it’s easy to say, “Things will be different in five years”, but unless I do something, they won’t be. It’s amazing how time will slip by when you don’t put any energy into making something different.

We’re all amazing people. We just need to get rid of a few chains to let our light shine forth.

Ability and Character

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. - John Wooden

We see it most with sports stars because they’re flashy, we watch them anyway, and the media love to revel in the destruction of our heroes. A sports figure will hit the top of her game, make huge money, and become well known. If she has character, she will continue to be pretty much the same person as she has always been. If she does not, she will start believing what the press and the sycophants say about her and believing she’s entitled to what’s she’s gotten even if her game slips. When those over-inflated egos take a tumble, the same media that manned the pumps earlier will now be there to revel in her defeat.

It’s the same in business. Ethical businesses stay in business longer than unethical businesses of the same ability level. It’s the same with relationships. An unethical person can get lots of dates, but an ethical person can get a longer-lasting relationship. And on and on. Ability will get you far, but character, ethics, doing the honorable thing, will aid you greatly, too.

Happy Anniversary

Today, The Future Being Born is 2 years old. Thank you for reading!

Tinted Glasses

I do not see the world the way it is; I see the world the way I am. – Talmud

Just about everyone knows one of these people. Some of us associate with way too many of these people. Some of us are these people and are going to be very ticked off about this post. Tough.

You may have heard of the phrase “looking at the world through rose-colored glasses”. It means seeing things in a positive light, to the point of overlooking the bad and seeing only the good. That’s not the only kind of tinted glasses out there, though.

Some people believe that they didn’t get a job because of their race, gender, haircut, weight, or whatever. Same reason why their girlfriend or boyfriend dumped them or why the cashier down the street didn’t give them a friendly hello today and a whole host of other slights and problems. They sincerely believe that everything bad happens because of this thing, and they resent anyone who tells them otherwise. Their “life glasses” are tinted by their belief that others see them in a particular way, so they see others’ actions in that light.

It is entirely possible that there was someone better for the job. Or that the entire interview process was a sham, and the company was going to hire X no matter who put in an application. It may have had nothing to do with “whatever”. But that’s what they’ll think, and no amount of reasoning will make them see otherwise. Even if you grab the president of the company, drag him down to your friend, and have the president explain exactly why your friend didn’t get the job, your friend still won’t believe him. It was due to “whatever” no matter who says what.

People break up for a whole variety of reasons. It doesn’t have to be about “whatever” (though it could be about your obsession with it). The cashier may be having a lousy day or doesn’t like you because you use too many pennies. Who knows? The point is, the world does not revolve around your “whatever”. But your life apparently does.

Until you can get rid of your glasses or at least clear them up a bit, you will continue to see life out of focus. You will continue to see what isn’t actually there, and because you are too busy seeing the non-existent, you’ll miss out on some really wonderful things.

Clear off your glasses and enjoy the wonders of your life.

Write for Life

Write for Life: Healing Body, Mind, and Spirit Through Journal Writing by Sheppard B. Kominars is an excellent book. Journal writing may seem like something teenagers do when they have a crush or adventurers do when they’re on safari, not something a sane and ordinary adult does. But it is. When life has handed you something big, some change, something that upsets your life, journal writing can be exactly what you need and can be the sanest choice you can make.

This book describes some of the benefits of journal writing, what you can expect and hope for from journal writing. It also talks about all the different topics you could discuss, gives you questions to answer and lists to make. It’s a great book for someone who is willing to give journal writing a chance, no matter the reason.

It’s given me enough ideas to get me going for now. I’ll pick the book up again in a year or two to see what suggestions I hadn’t taken and to refresh my commitment to journaling. I recommend this book.

Survivor or Victim?

As long as you see yourself as a victim, you’re lost in chaos. Once you see yourself as a survivor, you can begin to live again. – Sheppard B. Kominars

Victims react. Victims are done to. They are the object of the action. They are objects.

Survivors act. Survivors do. They cause the action. They are people.

Unfortunately, too many people believe “it’s not my fault”. It’s because society oppresses them due to their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, whatever. That’s why they did what they did or didn’t bother doing what they should have or are in this rotten mess or whatever the reason behind the whining. Or, it’s their father or mother or the guy who molested them when they were three or the woman who cheated on them or the school system that let them down or … or … or … It’s not their fault. They are not to blame. They are the victims.

Likewise, if they have no responsibility in their lives, they get no credit for any of the good, either. Likewise, since they are the victims and refuse to be anything else, they will remain victims and nothing else.

Be a survivor. Survive life, survive your family, survive your society, hell, survive yourself some days. But survive, live, act, do.

Inspiration (2)

Lighting your own light, letting your own beacon shine, this will then inspire others who will inspire others who will inspire others. – Lazaris

I’ve been doing this for about two years now, and I’ve gotten about 5 comments. This has been very discouraging at times, but I still do it. Why? In part, because I don’t know what kind of effect I’m having on others. What I say may be exactly what someone else needs to hear at that time in their life, whether they ever tell me that or not. I cannot count the number of times that I have gained inspiration or energy from another’s words, yet I’ve never told them. That I’ve gained inspiration from others’ words should be apparent by how many posts have quotes. A good many of them are inspired by the quotes I use.

One of the quotes I’ve used was said by a guy to his daughter when she was 8. She’s an adult now, and she mentioned it on an e-mail list I’m on. This in turn became a post that I’ve given to you. Now, did that guy, years and years ago, think that his words would go on to inspire a blogger and perhaps that blogger’s readers? I doubt it, yet that’s what has happened.

You don’t know what kind of an inspiration you can be, because you never know when someone’s going to lift their head out of their own misery and see you. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to see another’s, but we do see now and again. Become a light, become an inspiration, even if you never know the effect you’ll have. Just by being a light, you will brighten your own life, and that is worth it by itself. But you just may have that light shine on for generations to come.

Inspiration

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action. – Frank Tibolt

One of the mottos of Codependents Anonymous is “fake it till you make it”. Basically, you pretend you’re strong enough to withstand the problems you’re facing until you really are strong enough. You pretend you have a good self esteem and treat yourself as such until you actually do have a good enough self esteem. There are two rules about it, though. You don’t do it with finances (you don’t spend as though you’re making a lot of money when you aren’t). You don’t do it with other people (you don’t fake that Joe is sober when he isn’t).

Another place that action almost has to come first is writing. We all know plenty of people who would love to write a novel or a poem or a screenplay or something. But they don’t. They have the beginnings of inspiration, but they don’t act on it. What they don’t get is that if you start acting first, then the rest of the inspiration will show up, too.

Another place that action comes before inspiration is in opportunities. Sometimes, you have to take an action as though you knew what you were doing before the right opportunity comes along. You aren’t going to find out about the perfect accounting job until after you take some accounting courses or start looking in the classified ads. You aren’t going to get a big break in acting until you start acting in some things. If you wait to be “discovered” first, you’ll have a very, very long wait.

Start your Future now. Don’t wait for your next birthday or New Year’s Eve or even this upcoming Monday. Start it now, and inspiration will follow.

Enjoying Life

A person will be called to account on Judgment Day for every permissible thing he might have enjoyed but did not. – Talmud

Self denial is a tricky thing. In some ways, it helps quite a bit. Denying yourself dessert can help you lose weight. Denying yourself an extra hour of sleep in favor of jogging can increase your health. Delaying gratification can work in the same way. I’ll sit down with my favorite TV show but only after I do the dishes. I’ll finish up the load of laundry now, that way I won’t have anything to do all afternoon and can do whatever I want.

The problem comes in when you start denying yourself just because you’re denying yourself. It becomes a habit, and I’ve spoken quite a bit about habits. This seems like one of those “good for you” habits that can get a bit out of control. Life was not meant to be suffered. If life was about suffering rather than enjoying, sex would not feel that good. Sugar would not taste so nice. Sunshine and a cool breeze beneath the autumnal splendor of maples and oaks would not be so perfect. But sex is that good, sugar does taste nice, and a beautiful day in the fall is still a beautiful day in the fall whether you’re denying yourself it or not.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. Do what needs to be done, but include on that to do list “enjoy today”. Your Future should be pleasant, wonderful, happy, joyful, exciting, and full of contentment. Practice now.

The Richest Man In Babylon

The Richest Man In Babylon by George S. Clason is a series of financial parables. They’re short stories, mostly set in ancient Babylon, that show how to become rich and to manage your personal finances. It’s a great book. I’ve read it twice. The stories are fun to read, and I love reading personal finance books. It has great advice, and it’s very, very short, so even people who don’t like to read can take a stab at it. And if the book is too long for you, then read just one of the stories rather than them all. I highly recommend this book.

Appreciation Day - September 2008

For this appreciation day, I want to thank Brenda Della Casa (or, if it’s a hoax, whomever made the comment) for the comment on my lack of review of her book. The “hidden fears” comment I made was about the next book mentioned and was not aimed at you. Since you took the time out to take a look at my blog, the least I can do is take a better look at your book. I already have the next couple of book reviews lined up, but I will get your book from the library and review it within the next couple of months. I thank you for the feedback.

A Heaven of Hell

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell or a Hell of Heaven. – John Milton

This goes right along with the paper cut people and the worthless muck. Paper cut people make a hell of heaven wherever they go. People stuck in muck cannot see the heaven around them, and thus believe themselves in hell. You don’t have to do this.

Some people rise above their circumstances. They were born in horrendous situations, had crippling events happen to them in their life, and yet they come out the other side and become Secretary of State, President, doctors, millionaires, and so on and so forth. They make a heaven of hell. You can, too.

“But how? How, how how?” It’s not always easy. Attitude, first and foremost, and sometimes this is the toughest thing. You have to believe that it is possible for your situation, right now, as it is, to be heaven, or at the very least to be the road to heaven. This can be incredibly tough, but if you pretend to believe it, you will believe it eventually.

Then, once you believe that you are at least on the road to heaven, you make your way easier, smoother, and prettier. You cut away the dead wood and the rotten debris. You know what these things are in your life, even if you don’t want to admit it.

Once you get rid of the wrong, you start moving the stones out of your way and planting the flowers to make your time pass with more beauty. These include taking care of things that need to be done, adding things of value to your life, and smiling more often.

As your path becomes clearer and more beautiful, you are on your way to heaven, because you choose to do so and because you are willing to do what it takes. You can make a heaven of hell, if you are willing.

Nothing Worth While

It is the feeling that nothing is worth while that makes men ill and unhappy. – Dr. Harold W Dodds

Despair, hopelessness, depression – all are forms of the belief that nothing is worth while. They all suck. Since they all suck, they are all trying to suck you into their murky, sticky depths. Don’t choose to go in there. You might not be able to help it in some cases, but there’s no reason to jump in with both feet.

When we’re in the depths of despair, hopelessness, depression – the muck, sometimes it just takes a single worth while thing to give you a life line out. If something – anything – is worth while, then life is worth while. It has to be, because without life, this something could not exist, or at the very least, your perception of it could not exist. If life is then worth while, then living is worth while, which makes a whole lot of other things worth while, too. Realize this and shape your present and Future to bring these worth while things into your life and the lives of others.

If you need a little help with your life line, here are some little things that a lot of people believe are worth while:
Puppies
Flowers
Religion
Children’s laughter
Children smiling
Sunshine
A cool breeze on a warm day
Fresh air
A great movie
A great book
Kitties
The beach at sunset
Anywhere at sunset
Sunrises
Cloud watching
Hugs
The smell of fresh cut grass
Fireworks
Make your own list when you’re not stuck in the muck, so that when you are caught, you can quickly pick up a life line again.

Suffering is Optional

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. – Kathleen Casey

If you’ve just had a major painful procedure (car accident, chainsaw accident, surgery), and you don’t have any pain medication or some way to blunt the pain, then you are in pain, and you are most assuredly entitled to suffer if that’s what you want (or if that’s the only thing you can do because of the amount of pain you’re in). I’m not talking about the extreme, here. I’m not talking about the “just got my leg cut off” person. I’m talking about the paper cut person.

We’ve all had bad days. Splashed by a car, umbrella breaks, spill coffee, tear in the sock/pantyhose, 37 phone messages all of which are marked urgent – you know what I mean. A bit of grumbling, grousing, suffering, is natural. For most of us, we grumble and gripe, and then we move on. Tomorrow is another day, and our grumbling is done.

For the paper cut person, the grumbling is never done.

A paper cut person is the person whose life is tragic – in their own eyes. Circumstances, nay even Life itself, are against them. They are victims, truly. They got a paper cut and it hurts. It’s proof. Someone brought in donuts to the office, and they didn’t get their favorite. It’s proof. The lead on their pencil broke, and they didn’t have a spare. It’s proof. And on and on. They lead such little, little lives that these little, little inconveniences are tragedies in their eyes. They are victims, and they are entitled to suffer. Suffering usually means griping and grousing to others to show how they are suffering and to elicit sympathy and attention. It’s pathetic and really very annoying.

Some paper cut people have bigger tragedies. They may have a chronic disease. They may be in the hospital for some extremely serious reason. They may be going through a divorce that is nasty and bitter. These are tragedies, yes. What’s a bigger tragedy is the way the paper cut person treats it. The paper cut person becomes their tragedy. They have no life, no personality, no anything outside of the tragedy or how it relates to the tragedy. They are no longer people, just victims. This is an option, and they have chosen it.

The paper cut people who are reading this (provided they didn’t just click to another blog after that last sentence) are now howling about how unfair I’m being to them. I don’t have this chronic disease. I’m not in the hospital. I’m not going through a nasty and bitter divorce. I’m not involved in tragedy A or B or C or whatever it is that the howler has, and of course their tragedy is so much worse than anything I’m going through right now. First off, prove it. Second off, so what?

Even if I have such an easier life compared to you, there are others who are in the same circumstances who are still people, too. People have been going through divorces for hundreds of years, some even more nasty and bitter than yours. And yet, some of those people are still able to live a life, too. Some people have your chronic disease, but they are not just their disease. They have a life, too. Some people are in the hospital for serious reasons, yet they are still regarded by nurses and visitors as rays of sunshine and inspiration to other patients. They are still people, too. These people exist, even if you don’t know them, even if you can’t see them, and you can be one of these people if you choose to be.

You will be in pain. You will have cause to suffer. It is your choice how much you suffer and what you do about it.

Full Force

It’s better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. – Socrates in Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

Be yourself, and be amazing at it. Bring all of yourself, even the bits you don’t like, into the now and use them all to create your Future. Dare to make a mistake, for it is only through mistakes that we can learn. Learn from others’ mistakes, and then make some different ones. Once you learn from them, do the right things and then make more mistakes, for it is only by branching out from our comfort zones and our tiny little holes that we are able to be the amazing creatures we really are.

If you play it timid and safe, you will have a timid Future. Note I did not say a “safe Future”, for safety is not entirely up to you. Since you cannot guarantee your safety, then why guarantee being timid? Shake things up a bit and see what the fall out will be. So long as you are true to yourself and to your values, you can weather any storm. It is when you betray yourself that true failure, true pain, and true death comes along.
We were not born timid creatures. We became timid creatures. The full force spirit is still within you, ready to come out when you let it. It’s a scary, scary thought, and I still have mine on a leash more often than I think I should, but a bright and brilliant Future awaits, and your full force spirit is what can get you there.

Books I'm Not Reviewing

I want to review books that actually have some meaning to this blog. I want to review books that have to do with creating your Future, about making those changes in your life that you want to make, about living your dreams. But I don't want to read garbage. If the book is great or fun, it's easy to tear my eyes from the computer screen. If the book is merely good and practical, then it's a whole lot tougher. If I just plain don't like the book, then I'm not likely to finish it. I don't want to give you a review on a book I don't at least read most of, but I don't know if I'll finish it when I pick it up. My life and my time are too precious to bother reading bad books, just like yours is. So, here's a list of some of the books I'm not reviewing, because I'm not reading.

What Matters Most by Hyram W. Smith. I started reading it, but it was a lot like a previous book I reviewed, and I don't feel like reading the book again. There's nothing wrong with this book to my knowledge, and if you couldn't read his other book, give this one a try. It may be more your style.

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams. It's online at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/sur/ I skimmed it. It's a lot of basic advice I've gotten elsewhere, but this could be the right package for you.

How to Heal Depression by Peter McWilliams. It's online at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/dep/ I skimmed it. Turns out I'm not depressed according to their checklist, so I didn't bother with the rest. If you're depressed, give it a shot.

These next three I picked up at the library when I was in a bad mood and looking for a Cinderella remake with Jerry Lewis. The titles popped up, however, once I got them home, I just couldn't get myself to bother with them, even for a review. They were too depressing. But, perhaps they'll spark your interest like they did mine, and perhaps for you the interest will stay. Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can't Find (or Keep) a Prince by Brenda Della Casa, Slay Your Own Dragons: How Women Can Overcome Self-Sabotage in Love and Work by Nancy Good, The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence by Colette Dowling. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of being told I have hidden fears. The vast majority of the self-help genre is based upon the premise that you are a flawed and bad human being that must be saved from yourself and your hideous soul. Then there's the victim genre that says your soul is great, but you and your life suck, but that's okay, because it's all their fault. You know what? They can just stick it. You and I are amazing and wondrous human beings as we are right now, and if we want to change, we'll change. Not because we're flawed or because we're stuck waiting for prince who won't come or because others have held us down all our lives, but because we want to. We will change because we want to.

I'll keep doing book reviews, and now and again, I'll give you a list of books I just couldn't be bothered with. If you want to suggest some, I welcome that.

Your Corner

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope. – Thomas Merton

Like I talked about in the previous quote, you have a corner of the world that you can influence, affect, change, and make sparkle. You don’t need to know how your corner will affect the world or even the next corner over. You just need to do the best you can with your corner and make it as amazing as you are.

The Future is being created by a whole lot of people, and you can’t know what all is going to happen, no matter how big or powerful or influential or psychic you are. But you can build and influence and affect in the now. You can help shape the Future here and now and take all the possibilities and challenges that are here now and make them something unique and in service of your plans for the Future.

You don’t need to know everything in order to do what you can. Even a small step will help to open your eyes and to brighten your corner. And, most of all, to shape your Future.

Time to Fly

Why be content to crawl, when we were born with wings. It's time we learn to fly. - Daniel Whiteside

“I can’t.” “Not me.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’d just fail.” “Someone else is so much better at it than I am.” “Who am I, after all?”

That is such a load of hooey that it’s almost sickening to even try to address it. You are an amazing person. In the history of the world (no matter how old you think it is), there has never been anyone exactly like you. You are unique and wonderful. You have plenty in common with others, but you are still the one and only you. To not be you, to reduce your ability from doubt or despair, hurts not just you but the world. The world could be so much more than it is right now if only people would realize that they could make a difference.

“I couldn’t change the world!” Who’s asking you to? Just change your little corner, or your big corner if you’re ambitious. You change your corner, and I’ll change my corner, and he’ll change his, and she’ll changer hers, and so on and so on, and pretty soon a whole lot of the world has changed. You only need to do what you can where you are.

You are wonderful, and if anyone tells you otherwise, get them out of your corner. Let the pigs wallow in the mud. It’s time to fly.

Other People’s Opinion

People always want you to be who they think you are. – David Cross

It’s easier for a lot of people if you would just quietly and consistently fit into a nice neat category so they can label you and not have to think about you. But, if you go against their stereotypes, they don’t care for you too much.

These stereotypes can be racial, sexual, sexual orientation based, religious, nationality based, or even what side of the city you’re from. Let’s not forget height, weight, and occupation. Whoever insisted that all fat people must be jolly should be shot. By the way, not all cops are Irish, either, nor are all tall people basketball players.

A lot of people are lazy and would prefer to put you in a category than get to know you as a person. Do I care what the cashier thinks of me? Not really. I’m fine with the cashier putting me in the category “customer” and thinking nothing else of me. That’s as far as our relationship goes – “customer and cashier”. But, if I have a coworker who decides that I’m “female” hence I am x, y, and z, then I have a lot of issues and problems. Unless x, y, and z are “has ovaries”, “has an x chromosome”, and “should be referred to as ‘she’ when speaking of her in the third person”, I’m probably being stereotyped. I am a person, not a category. I fit into a lot of different categories and labels, but what my label means to me and what it means to you could be very different things.

That’s the problem. My perspective on the world and yours differs. Some people don’t get that. They think that the way they see the world is the way it is AND the way that others see the world, too. That just ain’t so. But, they don’t want to bother, which makes me not want to bother with them. Because in my life, I need people who see me as a person, who are willing to deal with me as a person, who will respect me as a person rather disrespect me as “one of them”, and I’m not going to settle for anything less than that.

You shouldn’t either.

Not Enough Time

Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of ours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Do you have enough time? Yes. To do everything? No. To do those things that mean the most to you? Yes. To do everything that means a lot to you? No.

If there is something that’s really important to you, but you’re doing nothing about it, then that means one of two things. It’s not as important to you as you think. Or, it’s not as important to you as something else. “That’s not fair,” I can hear you screaming (or perhaps it’s just me). “I want to do this and that and the other thing, but I deserve time to relax after my hard day…but I need to take care of this other obligation … but, but, but…” Whatever. And I say that to myself too – if only you knew how much time I waste watching TV and playing computer games.

Now, computer games and TV are not as important to me as writing. No, really. Despite the fact that I spend more time playing computer games and watching TV than I do writing, writing is more important. So, why the games and TV? Because mixed in with the games and TV are other things – fear of failure, fear of success, inertia, depression, victim-attitude, desire for instant gratification (I love rereading what I wrote, but it takes longer to write it than it does to watch a TV show). When you take all of these things and you combine them, you get a mass of ugly ooze that unfortunately adds up to something more important than writing.

How do you defeat the ugly ooze? One little bit at a time. Each five minutes you spend on the truly important thing is a little bit carved out of the ooze. Keep it up, and slowly you will starve the ooze until its power lessens and suddenly it becomes more important to you to X than it does to do something else.

It also helps if you add things to your very important X to make it stronger in the face of the ooze. Self respect. Self esteem. Making yourself a promise and being the type of person who keeps their word. Rewards (don’t underestimate rewards or consider them beneath you – if it takes an ice cream cone to get you to X for now, then do it). And, very important, habit. Eventually, that inertia will switch sides, betray the ooze and come over and help you build your castle. That which is at rest tends to stay at rest. That which is in motion tends to stay in motion. If you are moving towards building your anti-ooze castle around your very important X, then you will keep moving.

You have enough time, if you use it right. Build your Future. You’ll be glad you did.

Too Many Things To Fix

The world is simply too full of worthwhile projects, injustices in need of justice, and unfairness in general for each of us to conquer them all. – John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

So don’t conquer them all. Just because there’s a lot to be done doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything. So what if you can’t do everything? Do something, and the world and your life will be better for it. That guy over there, he can’t do everything either. But can do something, and you can do something, and together you can get a lot done. Is it everything? Maybe not, but that woman over there is doing something too, and with the three of you, a lot is getting done. And you attract the couple down the street, and the social group itching to go out and do something together and him and her and the other one and, and, and… You get the point?

Pick one thing. It doesn’t have to be the most worthwhile thing or the best choice, but choosing is better than not choosing at all. Then, work on that one thing. If it’s the wrong thing, you can change your mind later. But do something, and that’ll be one less of the “everything” for someone else to do.

Complacency

We think that hope – in the form of complacency – is one of the greatest evils. Without hope, humanity would have gotten busy and cleaned up all the other evils long ago. Hope provides the environment in which the other evils can flourish. – John-Roger & Peter McWilliams

The hope that they talk about here is the hope that “it’ll all go away” or “someone else will take care of it”. People hope that things will get better even if they don’t do anything about them. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes crime statistics get better, even if you don’t create a neighborhood watch program. Sometimes people do get into better moods, even if you don’t be nice to them or see if you can help. Sometimes your noisy neighbors do get quieter (usually by moving away), even if you don’t go over and speak with them. Sometimes it happens.

But it doesn’t happen as often or as quickly as if you had gotten off your butt and done something about it. Hope is wonderful. Hope is great. Without hope of things being better, there’s no incentive for you to do anything. But, hope needs action or else it’s just an excuse.

Don’t let hope fall into the same category as “I’m too tired” or “I just didn’t have enough time”. Don’t use hope as an excuse to do nothing. The Future will be created, whether you act or not, with little regard to what you “hope”.

The Weekend Novelist

The Weekend Novelist by Robert J. Ray is a method of writing a novel in one year by working on the weekends. A lot of people want to write, believe they could write “the Great American Novel”, if only they had the time. You do have the time, according to this book. It takes you step by step through a creation process that will give you a completed novel in one year.

I will most likely pick up a copy of this book, because it has a lot of good ideas. The problem is, it’s so programmed, so sterile that it’s hard to think of writing as fun. Sure, it advises you to write with abandon nearly every weekend – for ten minutes at a time. It’s not as bad as an instruction manual for sex would be, but it’s dry and sees all novels as having the same recipe.

On the other hand, the three and a half novels I’ve written aren’t good enough yet to be published and could do with some improving that I couldn’t figure out on my own. This book will be an excellent guide for me to improve those novels I’ve written. I’ve had the fun of writing, and now I’ll use the cookie-cutter book to help me shape things up. Not a bad thing at all.

One word of caution – if you don’t like having novels spoiled for you, their ends revealed before you read them, then read “The Great Gatsby” and “The Accidental Tourist” before picking up this book.

If writing a novel is one of your dreams, you can make it come true. And when you’ve made one dream come true, the others don’t seem quite so impossible. With that in mind, your Future can become very bright indeed.

Overnight Success

"Overnight success" is just another way of saying "no one noticed until now". – S.L.

J.K Rowling wrote for 2 years before Harry Potter became a household name. A good number of other writers wrote using pen names as they wrote half-baked quickies in order to pay the bills. I don’t recall how long Alex Haley wrote until “Roots” became a success, but I believe it involved decades. Painters in the previous centuries would paint over their previous works that didn’t sell so they wouldn’t waste the canvasses – even the great ones. Many musicians practice for years and years before they get their big break that launches them into “instant” stardom.

But you don’t hear a lot about those parts of the stories, and it’s given to many people the gimmees. They want success now, just like they heard their favorite actor, singer, sports star had it. They didn’t hear or glossed over all the hard work that went with the raw talent in order to create the big break, the fabulous career, the fame. Someone once said that success is when opportunity meets preparation. Too many people believe that success is when opportunity meets raw talent. You can be as talented as Picasso, Bruce Springsteen, and Magic Johnson combined, but if you aren’t willing to do the work, if you aren’t willing to prepare what’s necessary, your opportunities won’t come along.

If you want something in your Future, prepare for it. You’ll get more opportunities that way.

The Inbetween Time

The inbetween time sucks. I know the platitudes and the advice. “Make the best of this.” “Find something you enjoy and do it.” Uh huh. It still sucks. What is that “inbetween time”? It’s that time while or after something has ended and before you’ve gotten used to it. You keep expecting life to get moving again, though in reality life keeps moving along no matter what. But you expect to feel alive again or something. You keep waiting for that signal, that “a-ha!” feeling to come and let you know that the waiting is done, that the new phase of your life has begun.

It doesn’t happen.

There are very few times that this happens. You move into a new house. You have a baby. You start a new job. But for every one of those, there are other “inbetween times”. You are house hunting – you don’t want to spruce up your current place any more than you need to but you still have to live there. You are pregnant – you no longer can do certain things but you don’t have the reason why quite yet. You start a new job – some people find a new job before they start a new one, but a lot of others are out of work and waiting, trying, to find a new job while they balance their checkbooks again.

And there are plenty of other examples. How many people do you know get dumped by a significant other and then mope for months afterwards? Are stuck in grief for a lost loved one to the point that they neglect those still alive? Just sent off their last kid to college and have no idea how to be alone in the house? Started a job in the new city and don’t have friends to hang out with yet?

My advice? Wallow. Get some ice cream or whatever, hop on the computer or the TV, and wallow for a little bit. Let yourself be in the middle of then and when, of what was and what will be. Yes, you will need to get off your duff and do things in order to bring about the Future that you want and desire, but if you’re inbetween and need a break from the waiting and the transition and the plans and the “what if”, wallow for a little bit. Get off your butt tomorrow for a while and then reward yourself some how that works for you.
Life continues always, and your Future is being shaped by everything you do. But give yourself a break now and again. You deserve it, especially when you’re inbetween.

Overweight or Tofu

60 pounds overweight or eating nothing but tofu again. Some people say that any diet works if you work it – if you don’t cheat, if you follow the guidelines exactly, etc. I disagree. I do not want to even try the “all air” diet or the “all grapefruit” diet. I doubt they’re healthy for me. Nor do I want to take up the McDonald’s challenge as depicted in a recent documentary, for reasons I’m not going to go into, just in case their lawyers read this. The real problem with diets is that they work only for as long as you are on them, and then they stop working when you stop doing.

There’s some middle ground between “I’ll eat everything in sight” and “I’ll eat only this very strict and regimented program”. Give yourself permission to eat whatever you want – but stop eating when you’re full. If you don’t know what full feels like, experiment. Why not? You’re going to eat anyway, and what’s a diet, really, except an experiment someone else suggested to you?

Yes, red meat is worse for you than tofu when it comes to fat content. Does that mean you should have tofu instead of red meat? Not if you don’t like tofu. Which I don’t. I don’t eat it. I also eat very little red meat. However, if I want to eat red meat, I do. If I want to eat ice cream, I do. But I also pay close attention to what I really want and what’s convenient. Sure, drive by fast food is convenient, but when I stop and really think about it, about how I feel afterwards, about what the food tastes like when compared to home made, it’s not always my first choice.

I also make healthy stuff as convenient as possible. It’s better for me to eat the skins on carrots. I know this. It’s cheaper for me to buy carrots by the bunch rather than buy the skinned baby carrots. But you know what? I don’t eat carrots by the bunch. I do eat baby carrots. They’re easy and convenient. Do I get as many vitamins and nutrients as I would if I ate “adult” carrots? Nope, but I get more than if I didn’t eat carrots at all.

I buy frozen foods that are healthier for me than other frozen foods. That way, when I don’t feel like cooking, I can just grab something from the freezer and make it quick. I have access to plenty of marinade recipes. I use bottled marinade. Why? Because I know me. I know I’m not going to make home made marinade. I don’t like cooking that much. But, I do enjoy making a quick stir fry, which is something I can do with a bottled marinade. Or mix it into burgers. Or mix it into some otherwise plain rice. I use white rice. Why? Because it’s easier than brown rice. I also like the taste better. Does that mean that I’m not eating healthy? No, because I do use this rice in making easier healthy dishes than I would if I tried to force myself into using brown rice. I wouldn’t use the brown rice, just like I don’t use that half a bag of beans sitting in my cabinet because I don’t like the taste. Would eating beans be healthier for me than eating turkey, yes. But eating turkey is better for me than eating red meat, and I will eat turkey. I don’t care for beans – at least not those.

You don’t have to eat everything that’s bad for you, but you don’t have to deny yourself everything you want. There is compromise everywhere, a middle ground that you can reach. Some people may taunt you when you order a diet coke with your fast food burger. Screw them. Little things add up. Make small adjustments, and if the jerks say “I don’t see a difference”, remind yourself you’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for you right now and you in the future, and that’s what matters. You.

Abusive Spouse or Lonely Spinster

“Nothing is worse than being alone” is the rallying cry of every spouse who stays with someone who belittles, hits, rapes, ignores, or otherwise abuses them. Really? Some people believe so for a variety of reasons, but one of the biggest is that the person just doesn’t like the company they keep when they’re alone.

Dump the loser. Dump him, dump her, dump them, just toss the trash out into the street. If you feel you cannot live without them, if they tell you you cannot live without them, if they threaten to kill you if you leave, dump them, dump them, dump them. But I believe I’ve already talked about that in a previous post.

This post is about the middle ground. “I don’t want to be one of those old ladies with 35 cats.” Then don’t be. I know two ladies in their seventies, neither of whom ever married. They live together not for financial reasons but because they enjoy the company. They don’t date (to my knowledge), but they do travel extensively. They’ve been to more continents since they turned 50 than I’ve been to in my entire life. If you want to know about what you can do when you’re old other than knit blankets and pet your cats, contact the AARP or the Red Hat Society. They’ll be happy to help you find something fun and social to do, so you won’t be lonely. And if you want to find a little romance, then you won’t need to be a spinster either.

Some people feel more complete when they’re in a relationship than they do on their own. Which is sad. I’ve been there, and I know that in my case at least (and for too many of my friends), it’s because of a dislike of one’s self, a lack of self confidence, a need for someone else to take care of you, even if that someone else depends on you more than you do on them. But you don’t have to stay with an abusive loser just to have a relationship.

The problem is, too many people who grew up in abusive homes became adrenaline junkies. They just don’t know how live without that constant crisis mode. Nice, stable people who don’t do drugs or drink or hit or whatever just aren’t “exciting” enough, because they don’t give that surge of adrenaline whenever they walk through the door – because you already know whether or not you’ll finish the night in the emergency room.

Contrary to what a lot of bar patrons say, especially around midnight, one in the morning, there are decent guys out there. There are decent women out there. And these decent people are single and looking for a relationship. They might not be at the bar at one in the morning, but they are somewhere.

You don’t need to stay with a loser to have a relationship. You don’t need a relationship to have fun. There are other options.

Break from Obligations

Normally it's Fridays that I skip, but this week it was everything else, including the book review for tomorrow, because I'm still reading it.

So why do I do this? Why do I bother? With so few comments, really this is very little more than a public journal, as far as I know, except that a few people have said they have read one or two of the posts. Is that enough?

Right at the moment, not really. I have so much other stuff going on that I rather need a break from obligations. But, that's getting better.

Normally, though, yes. Because even if no one else reads this, a good number of the posts are things I needed to read. If it helps no one else, it helps me. So, it is worth it, when things are good, great, or even average. Right now, not so much.

Thank you for bearing with me during the "not so much". Regular posting is coming. Irregular posting will continue in the mean time.

Horrific Life or Drug-Induced Haze

This one’s tougher for me to talk about. While I’ve deal with sex, weight, and abuse, I’ve never really gotten into drugs – not even alcohol or nicotine. It’s easy for me to slip into a platitude about how great life is and how drugs never make anything better, but that’s all bull. Life sometimes sucks, and drugs don’t make anything better but they let you forget for a little while.

The main problem with drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine, is that they distract you from the problems in your life. They don’t “take care of” the problems. The problems are still there. You’ve just side stepped them for now. But they’re still waiting and lurking, stalking you. And they seem insurmountable, because the pain that comes with them cripples you. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Truly big problems are tough to handle, so break it down. Break it down from “my life sucks” into “I hate my parents/spouse/etc., my job sucks, I am tired all the time, etc.” Life sucking is too large. Get specific, and then fix what you can. Tired all the time? Go to bed a little earlier. Can’t because you have too much to do? Do what you need to earlier, get some help (which is more important – a few bucks or the extra sleep you get because someone else is taking care of the lawn), refuse to do some things (use paper plates and plastic forks for a while instead of doing the dishes), and get some of those irritations out the door. Or maybe your neighbors are too noisy. Get some ear plugs. Can’t sleep with ear plugs? Learn how. You aren’t getting any sleep now any way, you may as well use that time learning how to sleep with ear plugs.

There are solutions to the smaller problems, and once you get the smaller ones out of the way, you can see the bigger ones – if you’re not high, drunk, or buzzing. The bigger ones can be taken care of, too, once you get your energy back away from all the little ants that were biting you (the irritating smaller troubles). Sometimes you don’t want to see the solution, so you blind yourself intentionally. Sometimes the solution seems to be worse than the problem. If you need drugs to be able to live with your current situation, there has to be something better out there for you.

We live in a time with a lot of resources, particularly in the “larger” nations. Since you have access to the internet (since you’re reading this), find some free advice, a group that’s going through the same things you are, reduced fee or even free professional help.

Get rid of the reason why your life is horrific, and you won’t need the drugs. Good luck.

Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent (2)

(delayed posting for Monday)
Some people abstain from not just sex, but also all sexual contact. They may do this for religious reasons. I have no issue with that. Others do so because it seems to them that the only other choice would be to become a slut. This I have an issue with.

If you do nothing, you may as well join a convent. If you enjoy some sexual contact but you don’t “go all the way”, then you’re a tease. If you do “go all the way”, then you’re a slut. Some adults actually believe this and live their lives by this. For gods’ sakes, get out of high school already.

This is a tough one for some people, because the place they live or the places they socialize, that’s the “rule”. That’s how people expect others to behave. If that’s where you socialize, find someplace else, someplace that will respect your choices, that will actually give you the option of giving someone a kiss if you feel like it without the need to drop your pants. If that’s where you live, you may want to consider living somewhere else. If not, then you’re going to have to figure something out. I suggest masturbation or a very discrete friend who also doesn’t care for the “rules” laid down by your society.

For others, this isn’t what their social circle dictates; it’s just the way they live. Some feel like their passion is a burning inferno that if they ever let loose, they will become hedonistic rampages of sexual destruction, or at least have a whole lot more sex than they could respect themselves for. I can understand this, because I know there are people who feel the same way about pain, sadness, and anger. They feel like they have to keep a tight, tight lid on their emotions or else it will overwhelm them and everyone around them. You need a healthy outlet for those emotions, because locked away, they breed and fester. Give them a safe and healthy outlet so that if you come across a situation where that lid gets blown, you won’t be overwhelmed by a hurricane of emotion. I suggest you start by yourself – talking to yourself, reading, writing, punching pillows, or whatever physical outlet is appropriate. Give yourself some time alone, without interruptions, and if you cannot manage that, then there is more wrong with your life than this turmoil inside you.

There are a lot of shades of gray in this continuum where slut and convent are the extremes. You don’t have to life an extreme unless you want to. Just make sure it’s something you choose, not something you just accept as “the way things are”.

Refuse to Choose (2)

Okay, I have finished reading “Refuse to Choose! A revolutionary program for doing everything that you love” by Barbara Sher. This is a great, great book, and I am so glad I read it. I recognized myself in many of the chapters and came away with wonderful ideas about how to arrange my life so I am happier and can do all the things I want to do without the guilt for no longer doing things that I no longer love.

This book is for Scanners. A Scanner is someone who is “smart, curious, devouring every new project or experience – and unable to decide, once and for all, on a single direction for their lives”. You probably know one – someone who just can’t settle down into one job or keeps going back to school for a new degree or loves ballet and astrophysics and ancient Hungarian folk lore and a thousand other things. You may even be one of them. Whoever the Scanner is in your life, recommend this book to them. It can make a world of difference.

As for me, I’m heading over to the discussion boards that Barbara Sher has put up for Scanners and see what’s there.

Extremes – Bar Slut or Convent

In my previous post “You Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Want”, I talked about four different extremes that people frequently believe are the only choices in these subjects. I’d like to go into those today and over the next three posts.

Bar slut or convent. You don’t have to have sex with every available man, and you don’t have to abstain from sex. You can be picky about who you have sex with and still get to have sex.

Some people believe that if they don’t take this guy home, then no one else will come along that night. Or at least no one better. That just might be true. But you don’t have to go home with someone tonight. Life can get very lonely late at night when you’re all alone. Having someone there to help distract you from … well, everything quite frankly, can be very comforting. But it’s not the only way to distract yourself. If you need a warm body in your bed, get a dog. If you need orgasms, get a vibrator. If you need someone to talk to, get a roommate or a great internet connection. If you need something to fill up your time until you’re so tired, you’ll fall asleep when your head hits the pillow, clean, sew, knit, bake, watch old movies, watch new movies, watch reruns of TV shows on TV or on the internet, find an online game that people half-way around the world are playing when you ought to be sleeping and kick their pansy butts at it. It doesn’t have to be sex.

Some people believe that they won’t be able to find their soul mate unless they have sex with people, because no one’s going to find them interesting without sex. You are an incredible person. You don’t need some hound in heat slavering at your crotch in order to find someone to spend your life with. If they aren’t willing to wait until they’ve known a full and entire 24 hours before getting into your pants, they probably aren’t worth your time. Better you figure that out now rather than 4 years from now when you’ll get stuck with the kids because your partner’s too busy boinking someone else to bother taking custody. Go ahead and have sex, wonderful sex, mind (and other body part) blowing sex. Just don’t expect more than that from someone about whom you know next to nothing. So, how do you find your soulmate if not through sex? Want ads, internet dating services, friends of friends, blind dates, social circles, volunteer groups, special interest groups (clubs, organizations, etc.). And since you’re getting your sex on the side, you don’t have to worry about seeming desperate.

We’ll look at the flip side next.

What You Want

Sometimes life is funny in a sarcastic, prankster sort of way. It'll give you what you said you wanted but it turns out you didn't, or what you think you want, but it turns out you don't. And sometimes, it gives you want you want, but you just can't seem to get off your duff to take it from the serving platter.

So, what do you do? Do you be kind to yourself and rest, letting the opportunity wait and perhaps slip by? Do you push yourself and take the opportunity but burn out sooner than anyone would want you to? It's a tough decision. I'll let you know when I figure it out for myself. Good luck in figuring it out for you.

Distraction

When life isn’t working for you, you need to figure out what you want. The problem is distraction. Whatever isn’t working for you must have some kind of allure, or else you wouldn’t be doing it. Some of these things can be very seductive, and you think “Oh, this isn’t that bad.” But it is, because it isn’t what you want. But because of the wonderful distraction, you don’t even notice.

We all need distractions now and again, but it’s a problem when it becomes a way of life. Just one more TV show, just one night out with the guys, just one more novel…typical distractions. One more fight, one more cigarette, one more meaningless one night stand…some less typical but still pretty common distractions.

When you’re so wrapped up in something other than your life, you can’t figure out what you want to do with your life. This goes directly against the “back off and gain some perspective” advice, but in that case, you’re too immersed in your life, not fleeing from it. And that’s what a distraction does – makes you run away from your life.

Maybe your life is too horrible to face, and maybe making a change is too horrible to face, too. But why worry about that when you’ve got 183 channels to watch, a twelve-pack in the fridge, and/or at least several hundred women in the city you haven’t laid yet?

Because if you don’t worry about it, if you don’t do *something*, then five or ten years from now, your life will still be too horrible to face, and you still won’t want to make a change. Because if you don’t do something, either it won’t change at all, or something will change it for you – probably for the worse. But how could it get worse, you ask? Let’s see, you’re able to read this blog, which means you can see – you could be blinded. And you have access to a computer – that could be taken away. Or maybe someone is reading this to you – so you have a friend. Or if they aren’t a friend, at least you can hear. Both your friend and your hearing could leave. Plus, you comprehend these words, so you aren’t in a coma or in so much pain you wouldn’t be able to make out the words people were telling you anyway. Trust me, your life could get worse. But who cares, as long as there’s beer and sex?

I care, and if you stopped distracting yourself for a little while, you might find out you care, too. Care about your present and your Future, because if you won’t, then most others won’t either.

Appreciation Day

Today, I appreciate you, my readers. Keeping this up is difficult, and knowing that anyone else is reading it helps. Thank you for all your comments.

Refuse To Choose

This book review is delayed because I haven't finished reading it. I have been so busy working through the exercises that I haven't gotten all the way through it yet. The first half is excellent. I recommend it to anyone who's a "scanner". If you don't know what you want to do with your life because you want to do everything (or at least a whole lot of them), this is a good book for you. Or at least half of one. I'll comment on the rest later.

Silk on a Goat

Put silk on a goat, and it is still a goat. – Irish saying

We've been talking about habits. Some people will say, "Sure, I smoke, but at least I don't drink." Or, "Sure I drink, but not during the week." "Sure I cheat, but I don't flaunt it." Or some other thing.

It's a bad habit. It's something you know you shouldn't be doing, or else you wouldn't be making excuses for it. You don't have to make excuses for doing the right thing. Your bad habit may not be the worst thing that you could be doing, but it certainly ain't the best thing.

A goat in silk is still a goat. A bad habit that isn't the worst thing, is still a bad habit. How many goats do you have in your future? Your choice.

You Can’t Get Enough of What You Don’t Want

Ever have a craving for something to eat, but you just can’t put your finger on it? This is close, and that’s almost like it, but it’s still not right? What do you do? Most people will eat a little of this and a little of that for as long as it takes for them to find what they want, or eat a whole lot if they never do.

It’s the same way for other things – sex, relationships, drugs. Just like bad habits can give you something you need, you can search for this vague something in all the wrong places and never get it, just get distracted.

One of the definitions of insanity (okay, not an official definition) is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and in the morning go home never to hear from him again. Okay, that guy wasn’t Prince Charming, but Prince Charming must be out there somewhere, right? So, next weekend, you go to a bar, meet a guy, have a few drinks, head back to his place, have sex all night, and then get surprised when in the morning you go home to never hear from him again. And people will do this not just a few times and then wise up. They’ll repeat this for years.

Drugs work the same way. “Getting drunk yesterday didn’t help my problems, but maybe it’ll work today.” “It’s not that getting high didn’t do me any good. I just wasn’t high for long enough.” Yes, there’s a physical component to the addiction, but that’s getting to be really well known, and there are places you can go for help. But people won’t get help until it’s horribly too late or just plain horrible because they think that they just didn’t quite get it right. No, what you didn’t get right is thinking that doing the same thing would get different results.

So what do you do? Something different. But how? You’re too good looking and too young to be hanging around the church picnics to find a “decent guy” which is just *way* too boring for you. Also, your life is just too hard to face without a little pick me up, a drink, a cigarette, a snort. You can’t go cold turkey.

That’s the trouble with a lot of people who are stuck searching for a beach when they’re in the mountains. They just can’t get it through their minds that there’s something else. It’s one extreme or another. Bar slut or convent. Horrific life or drug-induced haze. Abusive husband or lonely spinster. 60 pounds overweight or eating nothing but tofu again. It’s one or the other. There’s no middle ground. Nothing else exists.

Those extremes don’t work, is the problem. And you keep looking for what you want in places that just don’t have it. If you have a craving for potato chips, all the ice cream in the world isn’t going to help you. If you want a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, all the one-night stands in the world aren’t going to help you. If you want a life that’s worth living, drugs are not going to help you.

If life isn’t working for you, figure out what you want and go for that in some new and different way, because what you’re doing right now isn’t working.

Bad Habits You Keep

You may just not want to give up all of your bad habits. One of the reasons that we keep bad habits around is because they comfort us. Not all of them do, of course, but some of them had a very good reason for being started. A cigarette so you have a good excuse to get out of the madhouse. A bowl of ice cream on those lonely nights. A racist joke that gets you attention and sometimes laughs. Most bad habits were started for a reason, whether you knew it or not, and to deprive you of them would be cruel…to a degree.
What’s the true cruelty is depriving you of what the bad habit gives you – a reprieve from the family, a reprieve from thinking about your loneliness, attention that you just can’t seem to get somehow else. If only there was some way you could get the benefit without the cost – damage to your health or reputation. There may be. In most people’s lives there is. Not for everyone, but for most. In those cases, what do you do?
First and foremost, you try everything you can in order to get the benefit without the cost. You find a different reason to step out of the house (lawn work, taking out the garbage, walking the dog), or a different way to ease the loneliness (volunteering, reading, church group, on-line chat rooms (this is assuming that if you could just join some interesting social group, you would have already)), or a different way to get attention (excellence of work, jokes that aren’t offensive, tidbits of news or bizarre facts). And if you can’t for whatever reason (trust me, we can play “what if” forever), then you reduce the bad habit as much as you can.
Find the longest lasting cigarette you can and smoke only one of them when you go out. Eat fat free ice cream or only half a bowl instead of a full bowl (or leave off the sprinkles). Tell only one racist joke as you talk and only if you have nothing else to say rather than letting it be everything you say. Get what you need, but do the least amount of damage to yourself as you can, and always keep searching for something else that can give you what you need in a healthier fashion than what you’ve currently got.

Bad Habits and Cold Turkey

Some people swear by going cold turkey. They believe that the best and perhaps only way to kick a bad habit is to stop it dead in its tracks and just never do it again. That’s great for them, but it doesn’t work for most people, at least not right away. If you’re one of the people who can just stop smoking with no side effects and no substitutions, that’s great. For the rest of us, here’s another idea.
Last post suggested that you substitute a good habit in place of your bad habit in order to get rid of it, not leave a void. The next suggestion is to reduce the void so that when you do quit “cold turkey”, you don’t have quite as much of a void to avoid as before.
To continue our example of the two donuts, to gradually kick the habit, you can go down to one donut or a donut and a half. Bakeries probably won’t sell you half a donut, but you can buy it and not eat half or save half for dessert after lunch. In an office setting, as long as you cut the donut with a knife and touch only the half you’re taking, you should be fine (unless it’s a filled donut, that gets messy).
Once you are okay with a donut and a half, you can drop yourself down to one donut. If the leap from one donut to no donuts is too large, then you can switch to a muffin or a bagel instead. Or you can buy a bag of mini donuts and eat just one of those and give the rest away before they get too stale. You’ll also get a reputation as generous in the bargain.
The trick is to get your habit so small that it’ll be easy to go from it to nothing. That’s where the cold turkey part comes in. If you don’t want to substitute, make your habit small enough you can quit it cold turkey.

Bad Habits and Addictions

Habits you can’t control are addictions. Smoking is a great example. If you always light up after a meal (or sex), and you get anxious if you can’t, that’s an addiction. Even if you’ve had a cigarette just before you ate and still have plenty of nicotine in your system, if you need another cigarette after the meal simply because it is after the meal, then you have an addiction. And addictions, my friend, will control your Future whether you want them to or not.
Because addictions insist on being a part of your Future, no matter what else is there. They will crowd out other things and take their “rightful” place in your Future unless you kick them out of your life. If you want to create your Future, then do so. Be forewarned that your addictions are creating parts of it, too.
How do you get rid of a bad habit or an addiction? The same way you got into it – you create a habit. If your addiction is partially physical, such as with the nicotine in tobacco, or with alcohol, or with other drugs, then you may need to get some physical help. Get that help while at the same time you create your habit of not doing whatever it is you’re kicking out of your life.
If your habit is to eat two donuts every morning, give yourself something else to do. Do not try to just stop and not fill the void. A void is a powerful thing, and it will call to you, beckoning to you to refill it with your old habit because that’s what you’ve done in the past. You have to fill that void with something else, create a new habit. For some, you could jog instead. The endorphins released by jogging may give you a sufficient boost you don’t need the sugar from the donuts. Or you could eat something else, something satisfying in a different way. I do not suggest carrot or celery sticks unless you really, really love them. Try fruit or yogurt or toast with jelly, something that will give your sweet tooth a bit of a taste yet still be better for you than the donuts.
It could be that you get the donuts for some other reason than a sugar high or a sweet tooth. Maybe you eat two donuts every morning because you stop off at the bakery or diner each morning, and that’s what you order. Change your order. Find something else that they sell that you like. Or, if you really want to get nuts, don’t go there. That could be really tough, because you may have friends there that you chat with, or the smells are so good as you walk past it. It’ll get easier, though, every time you do this new thing, the new habit instead of the old. Each time you make the change, you reinforce the habit, just like you did every time you ate the donuts. And you know how strong habits can be. Make them work for you instead of against you.

Sink Reflections

Sink Reflections by Marla Cilley contains pretty much what's on the site flylady.net but in a format that's easier to read for people who don't like the internet. I recommend a read through. She advocates a "use what you want, leave the rest" philosophy to the book and to her website/group. There's a lot of useful information in that book, and you probably will find something of use to you, even if you don't use everything.

Habits, Part 1

Habits are tools and sometimes straightjackets. There are good habits, bad habits, inoffensive habits, obnoxious habits. Everyone has habits. A life without habits would be too difficult in the current world / society. I’m talking about more than just the skills you learn like walking and driving. These things take a lot of practice in order to do them on autopilot, just like habits, but skills are tools you can pick up and put down as you need them. Habits are more than that.
Habits start out either intentionally or unintentionally. By that, I mean that either you intend for them to be a habit or you don’t. And the lines of good versus bad habits aren’t the same as intentional versus unintentional, though intentional and good overlap by a great deal, as do bad and unintentional. Hmm, maybe I can clarify that a bit.
Most intentional habits are good habits to have – studying every Wednesday at 8, jogging in the mornings, bringing a bag lunch to work rather than ordering pizza. Most good habits were started because people wanted to start them. “I really should exercise more.” “I should eat better and lose some of this weight the doctor’s been on me about.” “I really want to do well in this class. I’d bet study.”
Likewise, most unintentional habits are bad, and many bad habits aren’t started intentionally. You just don’t realize they’re a habit until you try to stop. Smoking, eating while watching TV, gossiping are all examples.
But, you also have the unintentional good habits - brushing your teeth, wearing your seatbelt, things you learned as a kid without really thinking about them.
Unfortunately, some people also have intentional bad habits. Fortunately, I don’t know a whole lot of “bad” people, so examples aren’t popping into my head. But, I have great respect for the vastness of human creativity. I’m sure there are some people out there who have intentionally started a habit that hurts themselves or others.
But what does that have to do with creating your Future? Everything! In coming posts, I’ll explain.

Commitment

There are a lot of people and businesses that clamor for your commitment - cell phone plans, employers, parents who think it's about time you chose a spouse and settled down, just to name a few. In my opinion, though, there's only one commitment you need to make in this life, and life is pretty useless without it. You need to commit to you.

If you're the martyr type, fine, put other people first on your list, so long as you are on that list. If you lie to everyone else, that's your choice, but don't lie to yourself. Don't give up on yourself. Don't try to be good to yourself and then declare it too hard and stop. Commit to being kind and loving to yourself, to making your life better. Commit to yourself, because until you do that, you don't have anything to commit to anyone else.

Appreciation Day - June

For this month's appreciation day, I told the women's cancer support group how much they mean to me. It's wonderful to be able to go somewhere where people really "get it". My family has supported me and loved me very much, but for some things, you really need someone who's walked in your shoes.

I Could Do Anything

I Could do Anything...if I Only Knew What It Was: How to discover what you really want and how to get it by Barbara Sher. This is a worthwhile book to read, and it will be very helpful to any of you who don't know what you want in your Future. It's more difficult to create a Future if you don't know what you want it to look like. This is the second time I've read it, and it's still of interest to me. The later chapters are each devoted to a different kind of "stuck", but it's worthwhile to read the entire book. Even if you're mainly a chapter 10, there could be bits of you in chapters 5 or 13 or any of the others. Or you may find someone you know and it could help you with dealing with them (and if you don't know a "rager", congratulations, that must be nice). One of the things I like about this book over the last one I reviewed is that this one contains exercises that help you discover what you really want as well as exercises to help you get over the block. The Tomorrow Trap only told you how to figure out what's blocking you. I Could Do Anything also tells you what to do about it. The only frustrating part about it is that the Success Teams discussed sound great, but there are none in my area, and I'm still a little too shy to create one of my own.

All in all, a good book.

A Million Things

There are a million things in this universe you can have, and there are a million things you can’t have. It’s no fun facing that, but that’s the way things are – Captain Kirk, “Star Trek”

The glass is both half full and half empty. There are a million good things about this world and a million bad. Where's your head at, though? Seeing just the good but not the bad is looking through rose colored glasses. Seeing just the bad and not the good is pessimism at its worst. You need to see them both but focus on the positive. Why? Because seeing them both and focusing on the negative is a sucky way to live. Now, you're entitled to live your life any way you want, and if you want to throw your energy away into the unending abyss that is the negative portion of the world, that's your business. But if you want to build your Future, you just might want to keep a little bit of that energy for yourself.

Another "count your blessings" lesson? No. That's a great way to get yourself enough energy to begin getting out of the abyss, but it only takes you to the surface. If you want to soar, you've got to do a little bit more.

First, acknowledge that there are good things in the world and bad things. That's a tough lesson for some people. I have attracted some incredibly negative people into my life. I'm not sure how or why. Maybe everyone has them. But, these people believe that life sucks, their life in particular sucks, their past sucks, their present sucks, and everything in their future sucks, too. And don't even bother to try to talk them out of it. They'll just look at you sadly and shake their heads. "Another dupe," they think. They generally don't have good lives, mainly because they refuse to try to have a good life, even when it's within reach. To them, everything's a million to one shot - one million bad things to every one good.

Second, do what you can about the bad things and then let it go. You can't stop your neighbor from gossiping. You can't shorten your commute without changing your job or your home. There's a lot of things you just can't do anything about. And there's a lot of other things you can do some things about, but not enough to change them from bad to good, just from incredibly bad to merely bad.

Third, do what you want and what you can with the good things. Make them your focus. Over the weekend, you need to do the laundry, but that doesn't mean your whole weekend is shot. Yes, the guy in the cubicle next to yours is loud when he's making personal calls, but the rest of your job is great. Don't let laundry ruin your weekend, don't let your coworker ruin your job.

Keep your focus on the million things you can have in your Future, not on the million you can't. You can make a really sweet life with a million things.

Options

Thinking things over yourself is a good idea. Relying on your own judgement and your own opinions about your life is important. But, you have to check out what other people think, even if you don't agree, even if you don't follow what they say. Because other people don't think the way you do and don't see a situation the same way you do, which gives you more options than you ever knew you had.

When you have a problem, you can get locked into a set of solutions. Do I go to college or get a job first? Do I quit my job or continue to suffer? Do I go on an extreme diet or get surgery? And you can think that this is good, that you're mulling over your options, that you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself. But, ask another's opinion, too. They may surprise you.

Go to college or get a job? Why not part time at both? How about the military? How about joining the Peace Corps? Perhaps you could backpack across Canada for a year while figuring out what you really want.

Quit your job or continue to suffer? Why is your job causing you so much grief? Why is it that important? Get something else important in your life so that your job becomes more tolerable. Or set a quitting date in the future. It's a lot easier to bear a burden when you know it's going to end at a definite time. Or transfer to somewhere else in your company. Or get yourself fired and collect unemployment (not a great option, but it is most likely an option you haven't thought of).

Extreme diet or surgery? How about you take the money you were going to spend on the surgery and hire a personal trainer instead. Or take the money and buy yourself a fantastic wardrobe that looks great on you at your current size. Or accept that you're not going to get to your target weight in the next year, give yourself an extra year's grace period, and go on a more moderate diet. Or if someone's giving you that ultimatum (someone other than your doctor, that is), dump the bum. Go find yourself someone who appreciates you or go it alone for a while.

There are more options than you might think out there. Your Future has infinite possibilities. Don't limit yourself.

Self Respect

Life is easier if you respect yourself. Creating your Future is easier if you don't have those nagging voices in your head. How do you respect yourself? Two simple (but not easy) steps:

1. See what people do that causes you to respect them.
2. Do those things yourself.

Doing anything other than this is living a double standard. If you respect people who keep their word, then keep your word. If you respect people who are kind to others, be kind to others.

The same goes for the opposites. If you don't respect people who do certain things, then don't do them. Some obvious ones: gossip, lie, beat others or animals.

It's easier to get respect from others if you respect yourself first. A lot easier. And if you have others' respect (as opposed to their fear or their love), then creating your Future is that much easier, too.

Forget the Past?

Ever have someone say to you, "Don't think about that. It's all in the past. It doesn't matter any more."? The past becomes and stays the past when you're done with it and not before. If you're still angry over something from 5 years ago, then that part is not the past. Your anger is in the present, and thus the event is in some way in the present, too. That's a good thing when you're keeping someone "alive" through memories, but it's a bad thing when you have problems from childhood that you don't even realize you have.

Do you dislike bald men? Or maybe you don't think it has anything to do with them being bald, it just so happens in your life that a lot of bald people are jerks. Uh huh. Or maybe a bald person was very cruel to you long ago and you're still holding on to resentment about it, but you don't know it, so you're taking it out on people who remind you of that jerk. Which can be completely unfair to some bald men. Some of them can be very nice, but with you, they've already got a strike against them.

Or maybe you hate washing dishes, and whenever your roommate/kids/spouse leaves the dishes for you to do, you get in a really bad mood. To you, the really bad mood is because they're being insensitive jerks who don't understand that you have a life too and why do you have to do the dishes all the time? Perhaps. Do you get that way when they don't vacuum? Or don't shovel the driveway? Or don't take out the garbage? Perhaps you have insensitive jerks in your house, or maybe you have a problem with the dishes.

Sometimes "fixing" this is easy. You realize what's going on, see what triggers it from way back when, and the next time you're about to insult the bald guy or go off about the dishes, stop, think, and figure out how much of it is the situation and how much of it is the past. Sometimes, it takes more than just that, but it's a good start. If you're going to lose it and end up yelling at someone, better that you yell at them for the real reason and not kid yourself about why you're going ballistic.

You want to build the present on the past and the Future on the present, and that's tough to do when the past keeps getting in the way. Lay it to rest in whatever way you need, and fill your life with now.

Finishing What You Start

I've often had a problem finishing what I start. It all sounds so good at the beginning. I have plans, I'm excited about the project, and then somewhere close to the end, things go downhill. My enthusiasm wanes, problems come up, and I just don't want to do it. Looking back over the past, I know that I've had this problem often, and I see that I'm doing it with this blog. 3 posts a week plus an extra every other weekend, but this month has been very difficult for me to do. Last Thursday, I put up Wednesday's post, admitting I made a mistake rather than just glossing over it. Last Friday, I didn't post, nor did I put up a substitute post any time later. Monday, again, I didn't post, but I am putting up a post on Tuesday to make up for it. I am getting better at keeping my commitments.

I don't feel that I have to finish everything I start, though. I've had that problem, too, and they're related. An obligation to continue doing something I don't enjoy bugs me, and when I don't have an "out", I get rebellious and refuse to do it (in a passive aggressive, rather wussy sort of way). I've gotten better about that, too. If I think a book sucks, I stop reading it rather than forcing myself to go to the end just because I started it. If I think a movie sucks, I stop watching it. I have better things to do with my time than read or watch lousy entertainment. I'm also starting to develop enough respect for myself than to force myself into doing what I don't want to and don't need to for my goals. There are commitments I have right now that I really don't feel like keeping, but as part of my goals and plans for my life, I need to keep them, and thus I will. It will take a bunch of pokes and prods to do it, but I'm up for it.

Do you have a problem either with finishing what you start or not respecting yourself to say "enough"? There are a lot of unfinished craft projects lurking in the closets of America because people began them, don't want to finish them, but don't want to not finish them either. Limbo is a lousy place for a goal, and it ties up your energy and time. "If I'm not doing it, how does it tie up my time?" Do you think about it? How much guilt do you have over it? How much time did you spend hiding it in the back of your closet so you wouldn't see it and feel guilty? How often have you thought about cleaning your closet out but decided not to, perhaps because then you'd have to see it again? Stuff likes not just dust but also thoughts, especially unfinished stuff. Finish it or get rid of it, but take care of your commitments.

The Tomorrow Trap

The Tomorrow Trap: Unlocking the Secrets of the Procrastination-Protection Syndrome by Karen E. Peterson allegedly is about procrastination and how to beat it. It has a way of dealing with procrastination that I haven't read before, and I've read a good many self-help books. The theory behind this book is that we all have deep-ingrained shame from our childhoods that is causing us to procrastinate. Whether that shame cuases fear of failure, fear of success, belief we aren't good enough for anything good, perfectionism, or any other of a host of reasons, the true cause of procrastination is shame, and once you realize what is causing your shame, you can stop procrastinating.

This book is really about unearthing the shame from your childhood, and no matter how good a childhood you had, this book assures you that you've got shame. What you do once you unearth this shame is not in the scope of the book, although they do advocate going to therapy. You are apparently supposed to unearth your shame and then get some real help from somewhere outside the book.

This book covers a lot of interesting ground in a different way, and for that reason it was an interesting read. If you like self help books, psychology, or philosophy, this would be an interesting book for you. I want to point out a couple of things right away so that if they're going to turn you off, you can prepare yourself ahead of time.

First, the author believes that even infants feel shame, that we're practically born with it. I don't buy it. I can believe a lot of things about infants, but not shame.

Second, the author believes that at that point (1995), we were entering into a golden age of parenting when parents finally know how important it is to foster their kids' self esteem and how to do that all because of self help books like this one. Uh huh. I've seen what parents get when they work harder on the kids' self esteem than on teaching the kid how to be a member of society. It's not a pretty sight.

Other than those two points, this book was pretty neat, but I'm not going to bother with the exercises. If you're interested in them, 1) write with your non dominant hand when you're thinking about your childhood, and 2) go into therapy and ask them about photo history and art therapy. Voila, you're done.

Belated Day

Today I am one day late in putting up a new post. I am also one day late in wishing my sister-in-law a happy birthday. However, despite the embarrassment that I feel about being late in these things, I am putting up a new post, and I have sent her an e-mail. This is true progress over how I used to be. I used to screw up somehow and then retreat within myself, unable to even apologize, much less act in some way to make amends.

I think I'll keep the trend going today. There are a lot of things I've been putting off, but I refuse to overwhelm myself. (When I have a lot to do, I say screw it all and hop online to watch some really bad TV.) Today, I'm going to choose two things I've been putting off and doing them.

One of them is rewriting a plan for my week. I used ot be rather meticulous about getting the house cleaned up at least every other week if not every week, but that's gone quite downhill lately. I'm "going back to basics" in Flylady lingo and giving a couple things of hers a try again. They work, when I do them. The main thing I'm going to be giving a try again is "15 minutes a day, 1 hour a week". 6 days a week, clean for 15 mintes. 1 day a week, clean for 1 hour. As long as you pick up after yourself each day and run the dishwasher when needed, that's all it takes, so long as you do it. So I'm going to give it another try.

The other is to rewrite my values as in the style of the 10 Natural Laws (see a previous book review). I haven't looked them over since I first did them years ago. I am definitely not the same person I was then, though the similarities are there. The first three values are the same - myself, the Deities, and my husband. It's what comes after that that needs a little refreshing.

Whatever you're putting off, I hope you find what you need to get off your duff and do it. If you owe an apology or a letter or a phone call or something larger and scarier like quitting your job or moving, I hope you find it within yourself to do what needs to be done and clear a little space in your life for a better Future.

When Life Changes

It can be difficult when life changes. Sometimes it's very easy, especially when you don't bother changing along with it. That's what happened to me recently. I have a job that used to be very much a "hurry up and wait" job. I'd get through all of my work and send it on it's way and then I would wait for more work to come in. It gave me plenty of time to write, read, and work on my blog. Then one person began preparing to leave and another person's job description altered, and their duties became mine. Now, instead of getting all my work done in less than a morning, I leave at night with work yet undone. There was suddenly a lot less time to read, write, or blog. Yet, I didn't alter what I did in the evenings and weekends, and a lot less important stuff continued to get done like it always did, but other things fell by the wayside. I'm re-rearranging my life to have the good and important as well as the fun.

When life changes, you have to change with it, if you want to continue shaping your Future. Life is more than willing to be the designer, creator, and judge of your Future, if you let it. To create your Future, you're going to have to adapt to your present, because only if you acknowledge what's real in your life can you make conscious changes instead of allowing life to change you.

Regular posting will begin again next Monday.

A Year To Live

A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last by Stephen Levine is an interesting book that I just couldn’t finish. It’s not difficult to read, and I even skipped over all the meditations (and there are a lot of meditations), but despite what I thought when I got it from the library (and what I had hoped it would be when I heard about it), I don’t need yet another book giving me the same advice.

Just so you don’t need to read this book (or several others), here’s the basics:
1. Breathe and be aware of your breath.
2. Meditate daily, starting out with a little bit and increasing to an hour or more a day.
3. Look over your past. Forgive yourself, forgive others, leave nothing out.

That’s as far as I got, which is over two thirds of the way through the book.

I’m the type of person who sometimes needs to hear the same thing over and over again from a variety of sources before it sticks. I’m not sure if there’s a specific source that I need or if I just need to be won over like a river cutting through the bedrock. If you’re that type of person too, this is a good book for you. If you’re already meditating and reviewing your past, then this is not a good book for you. If you think meditation and forgiving others is a bunch of malarky, then this is not a good book for you. I think that this may be a good book for me to read again in a couple of years, if I haven’t started meditating by then.

More Equality

I want people to start out as equals, to be given equal opportunities at the start. Later in life? If I have more training than you and am better suited for this job, then I should get it. But, it should have to do only with what the job needs, not with my gender, height, sexual orientation, religious preference, political views, or marital status.

I want people to be able to get a loan based on their ability to repay, get a job on their ability to do it, vote when they’re an adult, marry who they want (providing it’s mutual), and be treated by the law the same as someone else in their position. That’s what I mean by equality.